WTF...3 years after breakup now a email?

[Dmoney28]

I go to check my email this morning, and i see a facebook friend reuest from my ex GF. She dumped me 3 years ago, and it has been 2 years Strick NC. Her last words to me after i ran into her and her new man at a resturaunt was.."you wasted 4 years of my life, what we had was nothing...DONT EVER CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN..EVER". well i did exactly that. after the 8 months of alcholism, 1.5 years of seeing a psychologist and unemployment. I got a job as a military contractor, i lived in hawaii, guam, japan and all over the US. i dated a former miss micronesia( yeah, she was hot) when i was in guam, partied in hawaii, entered a amatuer male fitness contest in san diego ( placed 4th) and pretty much got my life back together. I dont understand her need to contact me. I gave her every material possesion of value we had together, apologised for my actions leading up to the breakup. Honestly it was hard getting over that relationship...obviously since im posting here. Part of me is pissed..pissed that she didnt respect my feelings regarding this issue.

 

Half of me felt numb when i saw her facebook request..the other half is pissed..pissed that i bent over backwards to make "Amends". Pissed that i looked like a crazy person for a year chasing her...pissed that thought about her and only her for a year..pissed that i couldnt date anyone for over a year because i still loved her. Pissed that she made contact knowing what i went through...in a small way, i felt like seeing that request set me back...so many nites i wished i heard from her...now its like ..meh. I dont want to know about her and her man...i dont want to know about any possible children..i dont care. i simply did nothing regarding the request...and i dont think i ever will. Now im thinking about her again..dammit. Its because of that whole oredeal that i have commitment issues. i broke up with 3 women this year because i was getting freaked out when it was getting serious. Im scared they will break up with me, and i will go through that whole ordeal with another person. I dont think i can make out alive again...im embarassed to say, im scared emotionally from all that craziness.

 

Anyone else have a similar situation? am i wrong for feeling the way i do? 2 years NC and it feels blemished..like a * next to a sports record...

Why cant people just let old wounds heal?

[Kamila]

Maybe she thinks you are over her, since 3 years passed. Did you tell her how the break-up affected you ? My ex and I also split, but I never actually told him how I felt about about him. Sure he knows that I love him and all, but I never confronted him with my feelings for him. When he asked me how I was doing, instead of texting 'I feel like crap' I texted him that I'm doing nice out of politeness. Just to not appear weak you know. For someone that is insecure like my ex, it's very important to connect them the dots. And sadly, I didn't do that. I didn't beg him to commit to me, he was too afraid, and that made me take some steps backwards. And now, even after 1 year and couple of months of post break-up I feel this heartache, it won't go away. It's something primal, instinctive, it's almost suffocating. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I would say, don't accept her FB request. Let her be. Don't ignite this flame. Let it be dormant forever.

[Dmoney28]

Thank you for your comment Kamila. i explained in my last email to her, how much i cared for her. I told her i will respect her wishes, and i wouldnt have the same kind of love for another women as i did for her. We were close...i never had a friend and a intense lover all bundled up in a package like her. Im oldly numb towards her now...like she is a stranger, yet familar. Im not sure if i will ever stop having some feelings for her. Its just diffrent now..like the pain had subsided. I have no problem dating, or going out with women. but in the deepest part of my mind i still yearn for her.

 

The hardest part of the healing process was accpetance. once i came to terms with her never comming back, i kind of numb myself. over the last year was when i told myself " well , im tired of being single. im ready for a serious relationship". I actually started hanging out with a young lady who was part of my circle of friends. we really kinda bonded on a catalina camping trip this summer. She broke up with her man like 7 months ago, and we talked about our situations. She's cool people..good head on her shoulders, and pretty.

 

just seeing my ex's name in my email box just put me in a wierd space. now im thinking about her again. When people break up, and keep light contact..its like a drug addict, taking small hits..craving that hit ( contact with other person) i have been "clean" 2 years and happier...but now i feel like i somehow took another hit..Like a took a small step back, that i will have to regain. i didnt even want the hit. I feel sad inside now...old memories flooding back..sucks, lol

[smudge21]

Don't react at all. Don't even block her from sending requests (as that will say as much as replying). Instead, the silence will do more good for you and make it clear to her that you simply aren't interested and no longer care.

 

She made it clear the last time she spoke to you and you've done so well since then (the odd set back no doubt). If the split had been okayish, then maybe accepting a friend request would be okay, but from what you've said, she didn't care one bit about you back then, so why should you care now.

 

I know exactly what you mean about this being like a drug, wanting that little hit every now and then. But you've been healing well after going through so much, don't let this set you back.

 

Delete the request and carry on. Good luck.

[TrueColors]

Now im thinking about her again..dammit. Its because of that whole oredeal that i have commitment issues. i broke up with 3 women this year because i was getting freaked out when it was getting serious. Im scared they will break up with me, and i will go through that whole ordeal with another person. I dont think i can make out alive again...im embarassed to say, im scared emotionally from all that craziness.

 

Anyone else have a similar situation? am i wrong for feeling the way i do? 2 years NC and it feels blemished..like a * next to a sports record...

Why cant people just let old wounds heal?

 

Yes, I can empathise. It does scare me also to start again. I think that's why I haven't really tried in over a year. I haven't even been on a date.

 

However, I also see it as a sign that there is plenty more work to be done on myself. For instance, I know my ex isn't the cause of my ongoing heartache. It would be easy to make him the scapegoat for my feelings, but I refuse to do it. I have to tell myself that it goes much farther back and much deeper than that.

 

Maybe she thinks you are over her, since 3 years passed. Did you tell her how the break-up affected you ? My ex and I also split, but I never actually told him how I felt about about him. Sure he knows that I love him and all, but I never confronted him with my feelings for him. When he asked me how I was doing, instead of texting 'I feel like crap' I texted him that I'm doing nice out of politeness. Just to not appear weak you know. For someone that is insecure like my ex, it's very important to connect them the dots. And sadly, I didn't do that. I didn't beg him to commit to me, he was too afraid, and that made me take some steps backwards. And now, even after 1 year and couple of months of post break-up I feel this heartache, it won't go away. It's something primal, instinctive, it's almost suffocating. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I would say, don't accept her FB request. Let her be. Don't ignite this flame. Let it be dormant forever.

 

I agree with Kamilla: Yes, she probably thinks that enough time has passed where she wants you to re-enter her life.

 

The fact that you are "pissed" over it shows that you haven't fully come to terms

with your feelings, especially when it comes to forgiveness.

 

As for the bolded bit, as mentioned above, probably one reason to explain why it feels raw like this is because the experience may have triggered a feeling experienced earlier on in life, in a totally different situation with someone else.

 

I also tend to think that anger is a cover-up for hurt. The sooner one can accept this, the easier it would be to deal with the actual cause.

 

But in the meantime, I echo what the others have said: maintain NC.

Edited October 16, 2011 by TrueColors

[wilsonx]

Her last words to me after i ran into her and her new man at a resturaunt was.."you wasted 4 years of my life, what we had was nothing...DONT EVER CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN..EVER".

 

Remember these words. She was a selfish bitch, she probably gave you a good gaslighting when she broke up with you hence your mental state. Those will mess you up trust me.

 

Don't react at all. Don't even block her from sending requests (as that will say as much as replying). Instead, the silence will do more good for you and make it clear to her that you simply aren't interested and no longer care.

 

She made it clear the last time she spoke to you and you've done so well since then (the odd set back no doubt). If the split had been okayish, then maybe accepting a friend request would be okay, but from what you've said, she didn't care one bit about you back then, so why should you care now.

 

I know exactly what you mean about this being like a drug, wanting that little hit every now and then. But you've been healing well after going through so much, don't let this set you back.

 

Delete the request and carry on. Good luck.

 

This is the best advice, she wants a reaction out of you! Why would you waste the good life that you built for yourself for someone that treated you like this and blamed you for wasting 4 years of her life. She was a selfish little girl and I would not even give her the time of day if she came back into my life 2 years NC. This is her guilt kicking in.

[Sugarkane]

I can absolutely relate. Dating a year everything seemed great. Then I get dumped by text out if the blue. Nothing but insults, the WHOLE breakup is my fault. And hilariously I'm the one that can't communicate! Then tells me that I'm the nutjob. Then turns everyone against me. For some reason everyone takes his side. I guess they like being friends with an *******? I end up being ostracized. I want someone that actually deserves me, but I don't want to get screwed over again either. These people don't remotely understand, I wouldn't piss on my ex if he was on fire.

[EgoJoe]

Don't be so negative. Leave it for a few days and collect your thoughts.

 

People employ egotistical defense mechanisms to spare themselves pain so it may be a good idea to remember that and to realize just how much pain she may have been hiding from.

 

She obviously values you as a person. Here you got over her after 1 year of hard work and pain and moved on with your life for the remaining time. Three years after it ended you're on her mind. Guess who isn't over you?

Edited October 17, 2011 by EgoJoe

[BlindRage]

Best advice... ignore her. It's of no use to you to even have her in your life. Sure she's a "drug", and I think we all understand and relate to you when you say that you want another hit of the drug. But you've been doing well without it. Why kick a dead horse?

[Sugarkane]

After the way she ended things why would you want to be "friends". You should ignore her, like she ignored you. I know I'd be really tempted to give the ex a piece of my mind. who do these people think they are?

[Dmoney28]

Thank you guys for sharing your opinons and feelings regarding this topic. You all make good and valid points. NC is defintly my stance. I will not tear open a old wound any further. It took me so long to find myself. I felt like i lost myself 1. in the relationship 2.during the break up.

 

In a sick way, im glad i spent all that time alone ( although spending it alone with a bottle wasnt the smartest idea). I feel people who decided to be single and alone while working through thier emotions are in a better place in the long run....i chose to be single and alone for 2 years. It hurt, it sucked...it was such a lonely and isolated feeling. i feel like comming out of that isolation and pain i am doing better. Im by no means 100% ok...but i do think im better for dealing with it that way.i feel like i found me again. what makes me me happy.

 

I feel like i can actually handle a serious relationship soon. that anchor of doubt and guilt dragging behind me..dosent feel so heavy now. Its thier...far away, but not around my neck like it once was before.

 

To the Egojoe who said wait, and see how i feel in a couple days...i will take your advice. but i dont see my mind changing much.I defintly put up a defensive barrier...my ego had to protect itself. Im sure people reading these posts in this forum can agree...it f'ing hurts. The rejections, the loss of self confidence, the constant thoughts of the other person. The "what if i change" or "what if they change" mind f, that drives people to do insane things...that drives people to drink...that drives peolple to distance themselves from potential partners in everyday settings. That breakup was THE WORST thing i have ever emotionally experienced in my life, besides the death of my grandfather. I wouldnt wish those nights of sobbing in the dark, on the floor grasping a bottle of Jack on anyone..even her. As far as her possibly missing me, or still wanting me in her life..that pipe dream died a slow, lingering death many moons ago. She has ..and i quote her " found the man of my dreams, who makes me happy". I dont see how i fit into that senario.

 

If she wanted to say "hi, just wanted to let you know i forgive you"..or "Hi, just wanted to see how you are, because a small part of me still cares"..fine, cool..you know my e-mail address. This just seems like a " hey , just wanted to know if i still have a effect on you" contact.

 

i wish the best for her...honestly i do..part of me still cares for her. But that concept is fine in my imagination...not blasted on a facebook page, with pics of holidays, vacations and baby pics...no thanks. One trip to suck town was good enough for me.

[Sugarkane]

I'm really skeptical when exes do these things now. I've had another ex do this to me. Begged and nagged me things would be different, missed me etc etc. We were supposed to meet up and what did he do? Stand me up! Coz he was "busy". Well so am I! Then he had the nerve to call me a nutjob! I can't believe the nerve if these people, it's ridiculous.

[Sugarkane]

Just watch out is all I'm saying.

[betterdeal]

Imagine if you could think,

 

"Hey, an email from XXXX. We had some good times. Great tits. Shall I have pancakes for breakfast or a bacon sandwich? I definitely want something warm - looks freezing out there - maybe I'll stop at McDonalds on the way to work. Car keys, car keys ... ah, there they are..."

[nature]

Dmoney, I'm so sorry for your pain. I had the worst break up of my life 3 years ago as well, and he phoned me out of the blue a week ago but didn't leave a message. I left it alone, because if he really wanted to talk to me, he would try again. And try harder. I believe this to be the case with your ex too. Trying once to reach you by adding you to facebook is not enough to put down your walls. Wait and see how the next few weeks play out. See if she contacts you again.

 

There is a very good chance she is no longer with the new boyfriend. He sounds like he was a rebound relationship to me. Someone to jump head on into to try to forget you so that she didn't have to hurt anymore. I can almost bet they are either broken up or things aren't as "perfect" anymore. He seemed perfect at the time, because he was probably the opposite of you. Rebounds usually are. They look for someone very different. I am guessing that even tho she's dated him for a few years, in the back of her mind she has subconsciously missed you, but tried to block it out by dating someone new.

 

You never said why she broke up with you. But it sounds to me like she was very hurt by you and angry at you. Did she have what you believe were valid reasons to break up with you and to be angry at you? I am wondering if she too, has been hurting this whole time, but chose to deal with it in a different way. You ran to the bottle, she ran to someone else. EVeryone copes in different ways. Sometimes it's good to put our defensive's down and go back and look at the relationship and see what our part was in the breakdown. I'm sure she didn't just up and leave you for no reason, if she was so hurt and angry after. Perhaps try to see things from her perspective. I try to do this, so that I don't put all of the blame on the other person for hurting me. Altho it is much easier to blame the other person.

[IfiKnewThen]

first i want to say you got some great advise in this post. i bookmarked it , it was so good....i only want to add...

 

when someone breaks it off with you that you love, so much is shattered. you feel so helpless and out of control. that helpless, feeling gives you anxiety. the main part though is the grieving. its devastating.

 

 

her contact now probably makes you feel like....who does she think she is? why is she still in control of this? why does she get to decide when to talk to me when i have hoped and dreamed of her contact for so long and got nil. -0-. you finally felt control and now this little contact, because she got to decide on when and if to do it, makes it look or feel like shes still in control. its an illusion. shes not. but might feel insulting to you because its like she is and has been so clueless, about you and now she just drops in.

anyone would feel like you do. youre normal. trust me.

 

 

through the years, the thought crosses our very minds....dont they even care anymore if we are dead or alive? anything??? thats a painful feeling. so now to just casually friend request you...makes you feel like they never got a clue. not even how to ACT now or treat this.

 

and so, i think anger also comes from how intrusive it seems for them to just do ALL on their terms. like you said. no warm note or words. just an invite. nothing personal for all the suffering and trying to piece yourself back together. not even an "excuse me....i just wanted to say". nothing.

 

you dont have to respond. just try to think of it as.....she tried to contact you. more things coming full circle in YOUR healing. she had to make a move. to calm yourself, tell yourself, its not the move you wanted but you got one!!!

 

you never needed to hear from her to validate you. but i do believe it would have helped your healing and give you better closure. they say good endings make better new beginnings. there can be better endings than others ...for sure. so now just make yourself think of it positively for YOU

and you dont have to answer her. tell yourself she probably isnt capable of understanding and thats why its best you really did part.

 

and its like you described so well, you don't want to hear about her life. i know thoughts are back.....but you're not really set back. you were temporarily jarred and forced to remember more. like a computer...our brain gets a message and does a search in the files of our mind, that matches, the familiar message. so you experience old feelings...and thoughts. and are faced to review them again and it feels like reliving. but remember who you are today, because you are a different man. a better man sounds like.

 

 

you know the little dog icon on the "search" mode of your pc. when a search is done he wags his tail and says "done" and "back". tell yourself when you think of her again in the day that....the search is "done". and you can go "back" to being who you are today. she is just a file in your mind but she doesnt have to be the whole operating system.

 

its 2:20 am here, i am sleepy, but i hope that makes sense.

[Dmoney28]

Its nice to get feedback from people having real life expierences instead of a psychologist only. Narure...she had every right to end it and be upset. I was a A-hole. I tried to make "amends", but sometimes when something breaks, it cant be fixed. Getting through Denial was hard, seeing your ex, at a table with her new BF and his Mother, kind of puts things in perspective. You are faced with the undeniable truth, that they are with someone else..they dont want you, and you should go off and fix your self. This was a ugly breakup..wasnt the ok'sh kind. Followed by me desperaty trying to get her back...followed by Light contact...emails saying." i had a dream about you...just wanted see how you were" kind of stuff. this went on for a year, Until the inccedent at the resturaunt. She found her new man..and was done with any Light contact after..done. She used me to wean off the emotions, til she got to her new partner. I had no choice but to fix what was left.

 

Thats what i did..and am stil doing..Fixing myself. I showed the utmost respect after that inccedent. I sought both proffesional help and spirtual help. I dont view myself as the same person. Traveling, meeting new people and trying new things can help mature and grow. In the relashionships since then, i tried to conduct myself as a gentlmen and follow the golden rule. Because i believe you reap what you sow ( oh how true that is). How ever she delt with it..honestly that was out of my radar. Nothing i could have done would have helped..only harmed her healing process. Whether or not she's still with him..i dont know..its none of my buisness in my opinon. If they arnt the happy couple anymore...i have no idea. But i dont feel she has the right to use me as a guage to tell if she still loves him..or to see how strong her relationship is. She knew how much i loved her, how much i wanted her back, how much i wanted her approval and forgivness. I dont need her to decsend from the clouds upon the backs of doves, while winged infants sing..and grace me with acknowledment, or Forgivness..not now anymore.

 

I wont go into detail about the period of time during my healing, lets just say im proud that i didnt blow my brains out, or end up in psych ward, like some do. I Fought for my sanity..i fought for my well being. Pretending like i was ok, during interviews, social outings and family functions..all the mean time dying inside, wrestling with my guilt....Alone

 

 

Which brings me to Ifiknewthen's point. If I respected her wishes to be left alone..if i respected her enough to admt fault for the break up, If i respect myself to address my problems...Why does she feel the need to dig up old skeletons, beat a dead horse and whatever cliche you want to throw out there. The type of relationship we had...you cant just be friends after that..too many emotions, during and after..to be like.."hey buddy, want to hang out with me and my partner..we could have a couples nite out...HUH?..Hell no.

 

Ifiknewthen you made many good points. I feel like she is trying to take some kind of control the situation/emotions. Control that i worked so hard to get back. It feels arogrant in many ways. You healed sweetheart..fine. why do you need to see how im doing? If life is happy for you...why cant you just be happy with your life and live it. why do you need to contact someone 3 years later and intrude into thiers? espeacially when harsh words were the last things being said. God.now im all aggitated and annoyed.

[broken-and-lost]

your story m8 really hits a raw nerve with me what you went through could almost be my own story i'm a year out of my relationship same sort of thing i felt really guilty for suffering with depression and ruining my relationship. then doing everything i could to fix it only for her to walk away anyway, thought many times about ending it been trying to fight to just keep going.

 

I like you would, not be happy if in 3 years from now i get an e-mail to be friends it would be terrible.

 

i respect your courage in staying strong through such a dark time in your life and having the self respect to not accept anything less then you deserve now. I hope i can come out the other side in a similar position some day.

[wilsonx]

One thing I have learned is that a relationship ending is never only one persons fault. Its always 2 people. When she blew up on you and blamed everything on you, thats childish behavior saying you wasted 4 years of my life. She could have walked away anytime before that, she chose to stay.

 

If you were the only one working to fix the problems in the relationship, its not a relationship and thats something you should learn from and take with you. If you see this pattern in future relationships, communicate that you feel you are the only one fixing problems and if that solves nothing, then leave, line up the next set of girls and pick one.

[IfiKnewThen]

i get this. i really do. to the point of almost having tears in my eyes reading your point. your experience resonates with me....still to this day. i too was wrong. i took way too many things for granted. times i was not kinder. i am so ashamed of how i acted during the relationship, it pains me to the core, till this day to look back. so much remorse. but, when it ended i took a long hard look at myself and wanted nothing more than to make amends and maybe even be forgiven. i dont even mean make amends as far as a relationship....but in terms of being friend to them somehow if i could. just to make some small fraction right by them.

 

i tried to change myself for the better in present day because i had such a poor image of myself during that relationship and what i did. but in truth, prior to the relationship i never was a bad human being. i stepped way outside of myself at one point in my life and in the time i was with them. i again just took them far too much for granted all around. i cant even explain the mess i was in. i got support from them, during the relationship but i didnt show them the appreciation they deserved for giving me love and support.

 

anyway enough about that. my point is, i repented as much as i could from my soul and wanted nothing but peace with them. i return back to my former self , before meeting them, that old compassionate person i always was inside. i keep as spiritual as possible too. and pray a lot. in the end, all i hoped for was better ending between us. thats all i wanted. for them , for me for us. but i felt absolutely hated. and i didnt even blame them for hating me. but daily daggers to the heart...were a lot too much to endure, even if i deserved it. and yet....i felt it also, went on so long. no mercy. from them.

no mercy. even feeling non existent felt merciless. but who am i to judge? absolutely, positively no one. i mean that too.

 

so i am guessing, that it feels all too cavalier of your ex to just merely facebook you. like the pain and agony and no mercy didn't even ever exist for you. thats what cavalier contact must feel like. but hey it is something. and you still are who you are now. she cant change that. you ARE a better person.

 

 

sometimes i feel i wish they knew me today. i am a changed person. i was clingy where i am more independent now. i did not exercise any control with my temper or outbursts when i was upset. now i talk positive to myself and see other points of view and am no longer, just reacting. i am calmer, by far. more disciplined. i step back and think and have compassion and composure. i always had empathy and compassion but i took it for granted with them somehow . still so ashamed.

 

but i am BACK to my compassionate self and more so than ever. i was always the kind of person who stuck up for the under dog. i always had mercy. i dont know why i didnt treat him this way when i was with him, and i am NOT making excuses but i was under a deep deep amount of stress at the time. i think when we know someone loves us (and we are stupid like i was at the time), we think we can get away with more from someone who loves us. like you can tell a parent something and they will still love you supposedly unconditionally. so you risk more. and can be more of your obnoxious self...thinking they will love me anyway. lol. what was i thinking? yikes. plus he professed so much love to me, i think i thought i was safe or immune from harm from him. i thought he could take what i dished out. God was i off course .... what was i thinking i was so stressed and took that love for granted. anyway, when you have these awakenings, you can look at yourself and say...i was clearly wrong. i tried to let them know so badly. but was cut off every step of the way . and although i didnt blame them.....after a while i couldnt relate to them anymore. i felt like i was getting better and they were stuck in hatred or just simply didnt care if i was dead or alive. i didnt expect to be taken back. i just wanted peace in the lord at that point, with them, if that were possible.

 

so i improved my life to both better myself and survive. its baby steps. but i did it and i am still trying. i am still going through a gamit of emotions. i am in a different kind of circumstance. but my point with you is...it seems she is so far removed from knowing your progress as it relates to being a better person and your new inner strength. and was far removed from the impact and pain and effect she had on you to not forgive or help provide better closure.

 

there's an old saying "if i knew better, i would have done better". maybe try to if you can have mercy on her and just chalk it up to her ignorance. she doesnt seem to know better to do better. peace and be well.

 

and i agree with the other posted. she valued you enough to try to friend you. she is just so clueless and cant see the bigger picture. still.

[IfiKnewThen]

just a ps.

 

 

a week ago, i got this email that said someone was trying to friend me on FB. yet when i was on the FB site, there was no such friend request at all in the request section. the email looked ominous so i didnt even open it. (i worry about virus's and when things look weird) it was the subject or heading of the email that said so and so wanted to be friends with me. so i didnt see the inner content. it had numbers and alphabet in the subject also. weird. anyway, it didnt look like an official FB advisory email.

 

 

you mention an email. did you actually get a friend request on FB? just wondering if it was officially from FB even though it had someones legitimate name attached to it?

 

of course i am thinking it was her...but just in case

[Dmoney28]

Thank you for your empathy Ifiknewthen. Reading your post, it sounded all to familiar. Like you i wasnt the best person. Looking back, she was a enabler. A point she mentioned herself, as well as my psychologist. I would constantly test my limits with her...she how much i could get away with. I felt like she loved me..and she would always turn a blind eye. She, like any rational person, got tired of it. and left. There was no one else for me to point the finger at..but one, me.

 

I have zero anger now for her leaving. I understand NOW why she had to leave. it took courage for her to say enough is enough. In the begining, i was selfish..i wanted her back. But if she did take me back, i wouldnt have changed. i would have gone back to being that angry A-hole. Like you, i changed. True change isnt easy. Change is painful and difficult. It has to be that way. if not.. it wouldnt last long. The hardest part was letting go of the guilt. to realise, that yes, i was the bad guy...but im not him anymore. In my most current relationship, i was honest with the girl i was dating. If something bothered me, i told her. If i was having a issue with her, i was honest. I didnt feel like i had to hide anything. Unfortunalty i only learned to do so after the pain of the previous relationship.

 

As far as her helping me find closure, or her helping me to finally put this behind me...its too late. I had to do these alone for so long..i almost have a resentment if she tried NOW to help me find closure. At the time i felt like she was my soulmate. A person who knew things about me, no one in the world knew. We kind of "grew up" together in a speacial time in a persons life..we had alot of firsts...first place together, or me driving her back and forth to class when we both were in college, or the time both our families would gather together for family functions, or first time we let our guard down 100% to give our all to each other. Both our granparents died around the same time...both of our familes had the same exact religeous faith. It would be hard to look at her as just a facebook friend.

 

I remeber her dropping a letter off at my place..this was in feb of 2009, 5 months before 0 NC, an her new relationship. she said, " i feel bad, about you feeling the way you do, the way you deal with your anger and sadness...you never gave your all with me, and i know you have issues you arnt dealing with...i would have never left if you tried harder, but i need to be happy and find someone who loves me 100%".

 

Its almost funny..well it is funny, lol..i addressed those issues..delt with my anger..calmed my heart and learned to be honest. And she isnt in my life anymore. I read books like "The 5 Love Languages" and the "Art of Apology" I knew i was F'd up inside. But the more i read and the more i went to my psychologist, the more i knew i had to change for ME..not her. She was gone, i was left with these broken feelings and tattered ego. So that email struck a chord. Im embarassed to say i feel a little angry. Like "who the hell are you to contact me..i gave you everything back..I fixed me, not you...I was the one suffering in scilence, not you...I was was the one religously reading Post in Loveshack to find a comforting word, not you. But even as i type this...im noticing something, there were alot of I's in those statements...I's being the foundation of selfishness. She had no idea what i was going through. And because of that, i dont know how to feel about her friend request.

 

As far as the email. this wasnt the first one i recieved. in late 2009, i got a email from her..but it was cc'd to like 5 other people, from some yahoo group, so i paid no attention to it. This facebook request was a email from her to me. comming from her personal email address, and her name in the subject box.

 

We lived in the same town ( no idea where she lives now) so a couple of times in 2010 i ran into her at store, and immediatly left. One day comming back from work, i noticed a car like hers behind me, in the distance..it got closer, and closer ( i was in the slow lane). when i saw her in my mirror, i just took the next exit, even though it wasnt mine. I couldnt see her..it would trigger to many old feelings.

 

it would be nice for her to see how well im doing now...but then what? what comes after the "oh its nice to see you are doing better now"? I feel bad saying this...but when i think of her...the first thoughts arnt of the road trip we took to san fransico, or the time we spent all night into the early morning grouting tile in her first condo, or the times we would go to a live jazz bar. The first thing i think of is sick feeling day after day, week after week when she left. the crying at drop of a dime when i heard a certain song. The constant heart ache of not having her in my life. I may not be 100% healed yet...but i dont want to go back to 20% either.

[Coupedriver]

I wrote a few posts ago about how can 1 person have such a PROFOUND effect on us that look what it does to us...!! And this is 3 years AFTER the fact..!!!!!!! This REALLY bothers me and I am only 3 months out of LC but went total NC 2 weeks ago..or so I thought.Their BACK there....somewhere buried and we hope forever,but again...look what happened.I am SO scared of that..I went where no one ever wants to go after a break-up..I have been to the edge and jumped.I am SO afraid of going there again and I know by whose hands it will be...HERS.The rumors keep hitting me about what she thought was the "HAPPIEST" she has ever been in her entire life and now her HAPPY world is starting to come apart.

I tell people "I dont want to hear about it."But now collection departments are calling looking for her.I am scared that one day when I am WHOLE again,have my life back..SHE will enter it...and destroy it.Look at the effect that person can have on us AFTER all of that time..!!

 

 

[

I would constantly test my limits with her...she how much i could get away with. I felt like she loved me..and she would always turn a blind eye. She, like any rational person, got tired of it. and left. There was no one else for me to point the finger at..but one, me.

OMG..its me....!!! But I gave WAY more then testing her....This is way too much right now...I need to go for a walk...Dmoney28..I need to talk to you....I tried PM but wont go through.

[IfiKnewThen]

she still effects him, i think because they were left with unfinished business or feelings. at least he was. she had time to become unattracted to him and prep herself and mull it over. they do this in advance. he was put into shock like us coupe. the dumper has that advantage. theirs was a decision to break up. ours was not. we loved them deeply, but apparently they weren't feeling it from us for whatever reasons.

 

 

so yes it takes more time. but this ISNT going to be forever. time and so work and some exposure to some happiness will add up and when he meets the right person again, it will catapult him into not feeling that same kind of love , longing or even regret as much anymore.

 

 

please i beg you for your ownself...dont look at it fatally. we have to retrain the brain and thoughts which will retrain the heart too. i completely believe this is possible and trust me i am in a tricky situation in life and with a disability to boot. but trust in a higher power and in you and work on it everyday. make peace with your past and yourself and yes even them.

 

 

its possible. hang in there and keep strong. God bless both of you. and yes your post brings tears to my eyes dmoney28 b/c i feel the love you had for her and the times you cherished. but you are angry for good reasons too. they are valid. also. just like the love. someone we have to acknowledge that and let it help in the healing process too.

 

it does not help to believe this is a life sentence coupe even though it feels like one. i get that. lets retrain out mind hearts and souls. and we really have to get them off the pedestals. believe me if you knew what he did for me....you would say he belonged on a pedestal...and yet....i know......somehow...that still isnt enough. his pedestal doesnt hold me up. me and God have to lift me. and i know thats a powerful force too.

Edited October 18, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[EgoJoe]

Give it more time and more perspective. Consider what Betterdeal said because he's alluding to attaining indifference. You are obviously still not there so you need to move away from this to gain clarity.

 

It will also assist in revealing her motives in a number of ways. Try not to embrace the bitterness and villify, villainize etc. your Ex. it's OBVIOUS from what you wrote that you see this as a 50/50 situation where there is pain, blame and shame involved. Be a man and rise above that: gain perspective and you will be ok no matter what happens or does not happen.

Edited October 18, 2011 by EgoJoe