Are Lap Dances Cheating- HELP!!!

[Kengne]

Wow...I'm sorry you're going through this hun.

 

I have two questions: do you REALLY want to know what happened? I mean to NOT know is bad, but to know and wish you had NOT KNOWN is even ten times worse!

 

2nd -> if you want to know, and your dh is willing to take you -> why not go? I mean no one is saying what he did is right - afterall, it's your personal line and you feel he's crossed it. But if he's willing to try to show you his side of the story, I do think it's a little unfair that you aren't at least open to the idea of going to see exactly what it's all about. It may just shift your opinion on the whole incident.

 

But on the flip side.. going to the strip club won't really explain how or why the $300 was spent on a lap dance that allegedly goes for $ 20! HOWEVER, if you went by yourself... maybe you could speak with some patrons or strippers there, AT THAT SPECIFIC CLUB, who might be able tell you what $ 300 can actually buy you there. You might be able to independently confirm his story that $300 is for VIP access. Again... THATS JUST MY OPINION. If you really wanted to know, then you'd do the necessary investigation as opposed to going solely off what your dh has been telling you.

 

But if knowing isn't really that important (because in your eyese he has betrayed you, period, whatever his explanation) --> then you need to stop focusing on the little details (i.e. what happened? what did he do for $ 300? how many girls?) and look at the bigger picture i.e. can your marriage be saved?

 

If you don't want to work on your marriage, knowing ALL the details will only make it more painful when you walk away (at the same time, giving you even more incentive to walk away). But if you DO want to work things out with your dh, and you STILL feel that you HAVE to know all the details... then at least hear him out! Go with him to the strip club. I don't understand why you're deadset against going. Perhaps you can explain? Again, it's your choice.

 

If any case... good luck!!

 

K.

[jmargel]

Singa,

 

I just read your first post but I'll share my experiences with you. Most clubs are not very erotic. When you see a ton of men there at least for me it's hard to get into the mood. I went to this one club and the one dancer asked me to wait for her after the show, however I didn't. I was single then but I didn't want to get involved in that.

 

Forward a couple of years and I'm at my bachelor's party. My brothers took me to a strip club. My wife didn't mind, she just didn't want to know what went on. I haven't told her but I'll let you know what happened. After watching some girls strip, my brother (unknown to me) bought me a VIP dance. Now a regular lap dance will only last about 15-20 seconds and you CAN'T touch the girls. You can see the expression on their faces that they aren't enjoying it and all the guy does is sit there. Women normally won't touch a guy even when giving a lap dance. She'll sit on his lap but that's about it.

 

For the VIP dance this chick took me into a room which was probably about twice the size of a dressing room, had a small couch on it and a small jukebox on the wall. She played some music and asked me to lay on the couch. She didn't get completely naked but was topless and was showing me her cooch. Honestly it was more awkward than a turnon. Thinking back on it, it was more comical than anything. Anyway, the only thing she did was lay on top of me and nuzzle my neck. She then told me she got lipstick on my shirt, I think she did that on purpose since she knew I was at my bachelor's party.

 

Anyway, after it ended I just asked her how long she's been doing this. "10 years, I've been doing this and you know what? I really hate men. I don't trust them". So as you can see most chicks at these places don't really care for guys too much. However you put a female on stage with them and the go wild.

 

As for it being cheating? I don't believe it is, I wouldn't want my wife to goto one however. It's more of he not doing it because it makes you uncomfortable. There needs to be certain boundaries that are set, in which I believe you need to talk to him about. If he's unwilling to do that then you need to decide if he's the right person for you.

 

BTW JSR, I just read about him spending $300. Was this on just one lap dance? Most regular lap dances, you give $1-5 dollars for. A VIP dance goes for $15-20. If I was going to spend $300 on a chick it's going to be more than to just dance with her, if you know what I mean. Something is up there.

 

Originally posted by singa

Okay, I know people have asked this before, but I just don't get how strip clubs are okay (well lap dances) and not considered cheating. I mean take away the location and the money and what do you have a half naked woman rubbing her body all over a man who is suppose to be in a committed relationship.

 

Before I ramble on too much, my basic situation is this- I have a great boyfriend and we've been together for 1 1/2 years and outside of getting lap dances at strip clubs I know he never has cheated on me nor would he, but he occassionally goes to strip clubs with the boys (ie- trips away, bachelor parties, guys from work...) So no he isn't a frequent visitor and yes I give him credit for that. I do realize he can't be the wuss who can't go so I don't have a problem with him going, but I do have a problem with lap dances.

 

I have friends who tell me it's no big deal, but I don't get it, like I said it's a naked woman rubbing herself on my boyfriend- somehow I don't think men would appreciate it if their wife or girlfriend went out and did exactly what they did.

 

Can someone please make me feel okay with lap dances or tell me I'm not crazy?

[New_Wife]

Well M'dear, you don't really have a lot of good choices right now. You are hurt. You feel betrayed. And you know he lied to you about something - you're just not sure exactly what.

 

Honestly, at this point, it's not about his actions at all anymore. You can focus on those - but that's not where the problem is.

 

The big issue now is trust. Can you trust him again? Did you before? Would it help you trust him if he was willing to come clean with an accounting of the cash and actions? Is the issue the strip club, or the lies, or both?

 

You will never really know exactly what happened. Never. So what you should decide is if you'll trust what he tells you. If not, then it becomes a slippery slope - what else can you not trust him about? A person could go nutty with these concerns.

 

However, if you've been married a long time, invested a lot of your selves and hearts, it may be worth doing to try to work through. People on here have worked through some pretty nasty affairs and come out on top for it - so this could be managed too - if that is what you want.

 

I think what I'm trying to say is - forget about the physical issue of the strip club for a minute (it's hard, I know) and try to figure out what your idea outcome would be. Work backwards from that and see how you might get there.

 

Whatever you do, I wish you all the best and hope you let me know. Post as much as you need to - if you need to.

[NatoPMT]

In my opinion, yes. I see it like this:

 

An emotional affair is cheating - nothing has to happen physically, but the intent, feeling, desire is there

 

I see lapdances as a physical equivalent of an emotional affair - nothing actually happens, but the intent, feeling & desire to see this woman do her thing is there.

[jrsr]

Originally posted by Kengne

Wow...I'm sorry you're going through this hun.

 

I have two questions: do you REALLY want to know what happened? I mean to NOT know is bad, but to know and wish you had NOT KNOWN is even ten times worse!

 

2nd -> if you want to know, and your dh is willing to take you -> why not go? I mean no one is saying what he did is right - afterall, it's your personal line and you feel he's crossed it. But if he's willing to try to show you his side of the story, I do think it's a little unfair that you aren't at least open to the idea of going to see exactly what it's all about. It may just shift your opinion on the whole incident.

 

But on the flip side.. going to the strip club won't really explain how or why the $300 was spent on a lap dance that allegedly goes for $ 20! HOWEVER, if you went by yourself... maybe you could speak with some patrons or strippers there, AT THAT SPECIFIC CLUB, who might be able tell you what $ 300 can actually buy you there. You might be able to independently confirm his story that $300 is for VIP access. Again... THATS JUST MY OPINION. If you really wanted to know, then you'd do the necessary investigation as opposed to going solely off what your dh has been telling you.

 

But if knowing isn't really that important (because in your eyese he has betrayed you, period, whatever his explanation) --> then you need to stop focusing on the little details (i.e. what happened? what did he do for $ 300? how many girls?) and look at the bigger picture i.e. can your marriage be saved?

 

If you don't want to work on your marriage, knowing ALL the details will only make it more painful when you walk away (at the same time, giving you even more incentive to walk away). But if you DO want to work things out with your dh, and you STILL feel that you HAVE to know all the details... then at least hear him out! Go with him to the strip club. I don't understand why you're deadset against going. Perhaps you can explain? Again, it's your choice.

 

If any case... good luck!!

 

K.

 

 

 

ya know, i really want to know what happened, otherwise i make it up! If i cant put the puzzle together, i tend to fill in the blanks. I need to know because if i let it go and shrug it off as nothing and harmless, as he says it is, then i get burned down the road, I wont be able to live with myself. If i am being played, I want out. Currently i have asked him to stay away as i can't control my rage and we have 2 kids who don't need to hear it. He is calling daily, emailing daily, leaving notes in my car pleading with me it was harmless and all that. he insists that my info online is bogus and not believable. i got a review from the club he went to! guess thats not true too.

yes, i realize i have been betrayed , regardless of the facts. but i still am driven to get the facts.

I don't think i am dead set about going to the club, right now given what he has blown financially we can't afford it. I almost want to go with him, because i think he is bluffing by inviting me. he knows i won't bite.

I do want to work on my marriage but i don't want to be made a fool. all signs point to fool.

[jrsr]

Originally posted by New_Wife

Well M'dear, you don't really have a lot of good choices right now. You are hurt. You feel betrayed. And you know he lied to you about something - you're just not sure exactly what.

 

Honestly, at this point, it's not about his actions at all anymore. You can focus on those - but that's not where the problem is.

 

The big issue now is trust. Can you trust him again? Did you before? Would it help you trust him if he was willing to come clean with an accounting of the cash and actions? Is the issue the strip club, or the lies, or both?

 

You will never really know exactly what happened. Never. So what you should decide is if you'll trust what he tells you. If not, then it becomes a slippery slope - what else can you not trust him about? A person could go nutty with these concerns.

 

However, if you've been married a long time, invested a lot of your selves and hearts, it may be worth doing to try to work through. People on here have worked through some pretty nasty affairs and come out on top for it - so this could be managed too - if that is what you want.

 

I think what I'm trying to say is - forget about the physical issue of the strip club for a minute (it's hard, I know) and try to figure out what your idea outcome would be. Work backwards from that and see how you might get there.

 

Whatever you do, I wish you all the best and hope you let me know. Post as much as you need to - if you need to.

 

 

It is so hard to forget the physical issue, so hard. it just rushes my head all the time! The $$ is another issue, we had just re-financed! it was vacation money. trust is the bigger issue.I appreciate your perspective. the slippery slope and working thorough this. Its all such a process. i have yet to cry, i am angry. I can't seem to figure out what i want the outcome to be.

[Toni_no12002]

i think in some way they are cheating!you want to see someone else naked!the end of it.why get into a relationship in the first place if your going to do that.if my boyfriend went to one id be mad its like he was single if they go to them what would be next!

[lvgrly]

I guess I just dont get the point of going to a strip club, sitting there with a bunch of horny guys looking at the same girl.

 

Going somewhere that you cant touch the women, paying money to get teased and get you all worked up..for what? Going home broke with a hard cock.

 

Yeah sounds really fun.

 

I wouldnt say that lap dances are cheating, but at the same time, you are paying a woman to turn you on. Shouldnt your girlfriend be the one who has that personal of an encounter with you?

 

How is that fair to her that you are out getting rubbed all over by a woman who has done the same dance to 15 other sweaty and horny guys and thats all you get out of it?

 

I think it is degrading to both women and men...

 

I dont think its cheating, but I do think its wrong.

[liswil]

 

Anyway, after it ended I just asked her how long she's been doing this. "10 years, I've been doing this and you know what? I really hate men. I don't trust them". So as you can see most chicks at these places don't really care for guys too much. However you put a female on stage with them and the go wild.

 

Yes these women usually hate men. This does not mean they're lesbians, however. They go "wild" on stage with another woman because they know guys will pay more to see that.

[liswil]

Singa,

 

His getting a lapdance shows a lack of respect towards you. One time might be forgiveable. Do you see this lack of respect in other areas as well?

 

Once a lack of respect sets in, things will snowball downward.