Cheating for a year and it's KILLING me

[dsd85]

I need help figuring this out. I HATE what I have become and I feel like I don't have anyone to tun to. I have been cheating on two guys for about a year now and it controls my life! I'm not the same person, I'm not happy, I'm thinking all the time! I don't want to go out with my friends, I don't enjoy the same thing I use to because I feel like I'm not myself and I'm slowly starting to hate myself.

 

I need to stop, but I honestly do not know what to do, since one of them is someone I've been with on and off for 5 years and I love him, but there are some factors that make me think twice to give him my all again, and the second guy is someone really special, but I can't figure out if he's the one.

 

I know the best option is to break up with both of them, but I can't bring myself to do it.

 

I just wish one day the answer will come to me, but it never does, and this has gone on for far too long! Any advice??

 

P.S- if anyone is dangerously close to cheating, don't do it! it will only change you into a person you do not want to become!

[Sazerac]

So from what I understand, you are "cheating" on each guy with the other, while maintaining that you are in an exclusive relationship with each one? Or are you just dating two guys without them knowing the other one exists, but have never committed to exclusivity?

 

Clearly, they need to know that you are also dating someone else. That's only fair. I wouldn't call it "cheating" though unless you committed to each one exclusively.

 

Nevertheless, you need to come clean with both of them. Let them know your situation and then let them come to a decision as to what they want to do. I wish you strength -- you are going to need it.

[norajane]

I need to stop, but I honestly do not know what to do, since one of them is someone I've been with on and off for 5 years and I love him, but there are some factors that make me think twice to give him my all again, and the second guy is someone really special, but I can't figure out if he's the one.

 

You can't figure out if he's the one because you're involved with two men. You aren't ready to find "the one" if your way of finding the one is to divide your attention between two.

[Mallow]

How would you feel if both of these men were seeing other women?

 

They're being faithful to you while you two time them. They deserve better then this.

 

You know what you need to do. Your options are to come clean, or leave the relationship(s). If you stay, it will eat you alive. The truth may eventually rise.

 

Both of your relationships are lies. There is no real foundation, they've been doomed from the start. They are not healthy.

[Bryanp]

I suggest that you try a new concept called honesty. Tell them both the truth and see which one still wants to be with you. What you are doing is cruel and selfish. How would you feel if they were cheating on you and playing you for a fool which is exactly what you are doing to them? You have a broken moral compass. You hate yourself because you know what you are doing is wrong.

 

If you truly love both men (which I highly doubt) then you will indeed tell them the truth and stop manipulating them. If you continue this charade then it is clear that you do not love either of them and you are in this for your own selfish reasons.

 

Congratulation that you are in two relationships based on lies and deceit. Only the truth will set your free. It is not just all about you.

[dsd85]

thanks for the blunt honesty, i really do need it because my friends don't give it to me. i'm not going to try to justify my actions, because there is no excuse for this. i've been cheated on before and it almost killed me, literally.

 

just some back ground info, the guy i've been with for 5 years, cheated on me three and a half years ago, and we've broken up twice...i think that's why i felt i had a justification, but whenever i think of how he might feel if he found out, i feel horrible because i know he would never expect that from me.

 

i do love him, i just wish he would be more attentive like the other guy is to me. but even then, i know they say once cheating is involved the relationship is doomed (now it's on both our parts) but i have forgiven him and was able to move on from that in the past.

 

the other guy, he's very sweet to me and i enjoy his company a lot, he's more attentive with me and says he wants to marry me (i know this just makes it so much worse!) and it makes me think, if i was with my first boyfriend for already 5 years and he hasn't proposed what makes me think he will EVER propose (even though we have talked about it before, it's not a reality i see right now given what his priorities are) although i know he's not financially ready to marry me or build a family, it's something i want and i haven't let myself think about too much with this guy because i know his situation. but with the other guy, i can see it, i just don't know if it's something i would want with him, but it is what i would want with the guy i've been with for 5 years, but i know i won't get that right now, maybe even ever.

Edited October 17, 2011 by dsd85

[Space Ritual]

 

i do love him, i just wish he would be more attentive like the other guy is to me. but even then, i know they say once cheating is involved the relationship is doomed (now it's on both our parts) but i have forgiven him and was able to move on from that in the past.

 

the other guy, he's very sweet to me and i enjoy his company a lot, he's more attentive with me and says he wants to marry me (i know this just makes it so much worse!) and it makes me think, if i was with my first boyfriend for already 5 years and he hasn't proposed what makes me think he will EVER propose (even though we have talked about it before, it's not a reality i see right now given what his priorities are) although i know he's not financially ready to marry me or build a family, it's something i want and i haven't let myself think about too much with this guy because i know his situation. but with the other guy, i can see it, i just don't know if it's something i would want with him, but it is what i would want with the guy i've been with for 5 years, but i know i won't get that right now, maybe even ever.

 

 

I thought the paragraph was you saying you were not going to try to justify your behavior....yet you spend all these keystrokes DOING JUST THAT....

 

get your head out of your arse. be honest and let each gut make his own decision whether he wants to stay in the relationship and share you...you lost that right a long time ago.

[dsd85]

OK, maybe I was trying to justify, but it's not what I want to do, what I want to do is figure out who I should stay or who I should leave, or if I should leave both.

 

I'm only trying to do the right thing finally but I CANNOT figure this out, I've put myself in such a mess.

 

Maybe, just maybe, someone can give me advice on who without being judegemental, I know what I'm doing is horrible, but I'm determined to end it.

 

Here is some background, GUY #1:

-been with him for 5 years

-he is 28 (i'm 25) but still lives at home with his mom and has a hard time keeping jobs (still i have stuck by him and not really cared about those things until now because i'm getting older and want a family)

-he has a tendency to be moody and when he gets angry he says really mean things and doesn't have a good ability to handle his emotions well or express them

- he does not get mad often but does get moody sometimes

-when he is not moody he is very lovable and we have a very good connection (this is why i have stuck around, because i know relationships aren't perfect and i have learned to love his flaws as well)

-i lost my virginity to him when i was 19 (i've only had sex with two men including the second guy i'm seeing right now)

-we have been through a lot together and he is my best friend

-one of the things i don't like is that he is addicted to weed (i wouldn't mind if he wasn't addicted and smoked it sometimes, even if he smoked several times i week, but the constant every day, more than once a day weed smoking is something i don't know if i could put up with my whole life

-he doesn't really know how to say sorry or talk about problems in the relationship, he avoids those types of conversations

-he cheated on me when we were together for a year and a half

- when he cheated on me we broke up, then I got pregnant and ended up having an abortion because he wouldn’t leave the other girl, and since then I had very guilty feelings about doing that and can only see myself having a baby with him L THIS ONE IS THE TOUGH ONE AND ONE OF THE REASONS I CAN’T SEEM TO LET HIM GO (BECAUSE I HAVE FEELINGS OF GUILT FROM THE ABORTION)

-sometimes he does not take my feelings into account

- I know he loves me with all his heart, but I have let certain things slide which has made him treat me in ways I don’t really like, such as not taking my feelings into account sometimes

 

 

Background info on GUY #2:

-He was my grade 8 boyfriend

-We went out again when we were 18, but he broke up with me after just two weeks

-He was away in the army for 5 years

-We connected again a little over a year ago and during that time GUY#1 and I were just starting to get back together from our second break up that lasted 6 months

-After connecting again, he immediately started having feelings for me and expressed his desire to start a relationship with me

-I told him I wasn't ready because I needed time to get to know him again and make sure this time it would work, I also told him I had just gotten out of a relationship and needed time (he didn't know I was getting back with my "ex")

-I kept it as a dating situation with him for about 3 months before I made it "official"

-During this time, GUY#1 and I were hardly seeing each other and things were just not good UNTIL he got into a physical fight with one of the guys he was hanging out with that were bad influence on him and he starting changing, by then it was too late because I had somehow entered a relationship with GUY#2 (SORRY IF I'M TALKING ABOUT BOTH GUYS, LET'S GET BACK TO GUY#2)....

-GUY #2 has a good job after he left the army and moved back home where he makes good money and has expressed he would like to one day live together

-He is very attentive and caring towards me

-I can talk to him about a problem I'm having and he can sit there for hours talking to me and trying to make me feel better

-I CAN TRUST HIM 101%

-Even though there are all these great things, I don't feel the same connection I do with GUY#1 (maybe this is because I haven't given him my all)

-We don't share the same ideas that are extremely important to me (such as adopting an animals) which is very very important to me and something i want to do when i have the room

-He is not very tolerant of people

 

 

There is a lot more I could write but it would be too much, I really just want to make the right decision! I miss having a faithful REAL relationship, I never in a million years thought I would be in this situation. Please, any non judgmental advice would be MUCH APPRECIATED!

[PegNosePete]

I'm only trying to do the right thing

No you're not. You're trying to worm your way out of the situation that you've created.

 

The right thing is to be HONEST and tell them what you've been doing all this time. Do you really think you can simply cut one of these guys off, and continue a relationship with the other as if you never did anything wrong? Seriously??? I mean WTF. He deserves to know. If you love him or care about him or even give 2 short craps about him, then you have to tell him the truth.

[Chi townD]

To be honest, I think you need to tell them both the truth. Break it off with both of them and be single. You clearly have a lot of issues to work through to identify why you did what you did.

 

You need time off to work on you.

[Sanman]

So, quickly browsing through this thread the issues are:

 

A. You love your BF of 5 years, but he is a loser.

 

B. You really like that Guy B is a responsible, good guy with honorable intentions. However, you don't love him.

 

C. You are too afraid to break up with both of them and be alone.

 

Have I missed anything?

[Sevenscars]

There is nothing you can do to escape from this. You have few options, which you already know.

 

1. Break it off with one guy, date the other WITHOUT informing them.

2. Break it off with one guy, date the other AND inform them.

3. Break it off with both guys

4. Break it off with neither of them.

 

#1 will kill you on the inside worse than you feel now, because you'd be continuing the lie that is your "relationship."

#2 may end with you being single.

#3 ends with you being single.

#4 will do what #1 will do times ten. You will kill your soul.

 

Thus, these are all terrible options for YOU. Can't blame fate, you were the one who chose this path for yourself. Which means, there's only one thing left to do...

 

Be HONEST. BE HONEST. Then let the men decide whether they want to continue dating you. Seriously, with all the time and effort they have put into their relationship with you, at the very least they deserve to know what you've been doing. And you know what? If you are honest about it, maybe one of them will still want to be with you -- then you know you have someone who really loves you.

 

But honestly, for your sake, prepare to be dumped. Twice. The way you've been going about things, you don't deserve either of these men. Maybe in time, when you learn how to be single and how not to screw around with people's hearts (thus screwing with your own), you can try again with one of these men or someone else.

 

This is a lesson you need to learn. You can not escape this. You must be honest, doing otherwise will kill you, and kill them too.

 

TELL THE TRUTH! I Can't say it enough! If this is the only chance you ever have to tell the truth in your life let this be it!

 

For your sake just as much as theirs. What you are doing to YOURSELF is horrid. You must be in a lot of pain to be able to do this, I feel sorry for you (in a non-condescending way, whatever my tone) and hope things get better.

[Kinder-Horror]

You made a big mistake. It happens. But now what you are attempting to delay is the consequences of your mistake, because you know that comes with it. I am going to preach for you to tell the truth to at least one of them (because I don't think you will be able to even attempt to repair the damage your have done to your self confidence until you do), but by your post, I am not sure you are currently emotionally strong enough at this juncture to do so. It's a difficult and scary thing to do!

 

You are NEVER going to get past this, and feel better about yourself again, if you do not endure the consequences of your actions - and that could mean you ending up with neither of these guys.

 

You said the second guys is really great, but your are not sure if he is the one. Does that mean you cannot date only him? Because by you dating the first guy, and both guys at the same time, something tells me neither of them may be the one, as you are looking for something else from somewhere else in both relationships.

 

The very fact that you aren't sure you can stay solely with guy number two because you are unsure if he is the one, tells me that you are keeping two guys around as an insurance policy of some kind. If something goes wrong with one, you have the other. If you aren't getting something with one, you have the others. If you end it with one, you have the other. It is this sort of thinking that got you into this mess, it is not going to get you out of it.

 

If you truly cannot bring yourself to break up with BOTH of them, as you said, then I have a feeling you wont be able to bring yourself to coming clean to both of them either. If you have to break up with ONE, I would go with the one you have been in an on again off again relationship with. You must know he isn't the one by now, so you may as well keep the one that MAY be the one.

 

My honest opinion is:

1) neither guy is the one for you

2) You wont find the one while you are with either of these guys

3) You are scared to be alone and this is what is driving the mess

4) You aren't going to feel like yourself even if you break up with one of them.

5) You wont feel yourself again until you are either a) out of both relationships, or b) have come clean to the one you choose to be with, and allow him to opportunity to forgive you or move on.

 

I know none of this sounded that good. I am not trying to attack you, I have just been in your position so I am trying to be as straightforward as I can.

Edited October 17, 2011 by Kinder-Horror

[dsd85]

kinder-horror, sevenscars, thank you.

 

i really hope i can stop this VERY soon, or have he courage to break up with them. It's not that I'm afraid of being alone, because I like being single just as much as I like being in a relationship, I was single for 6 months a year and a half ago when me and GUY#1 broke up and I was fine.

 

This is about me trying to figure out why I'm doing this? And GUY#2 IS great, and has good intentions, I guess I should have worded my sentence differently...it's not that I don't know if he's the one, it's more like I don't know if I will ever forget about GUY#1 and I know that if I let hi go now, that GUY#@ is in the picture, it will be over for good, because GUY#2 would make me very happy...ALSO, in some weird way, I feel like it's better to stay and figure this out, rather than go be with GUY#2 and live happily ever after knowing what I did, and leaving GUY#1 behind, it sucks! And I care about him too much.

 

GUY#2- If I enede up not getting back together with GUY#1 during the same time we started to reconnect? Well then there is no doubt GUY#2 would've made me very very happy, and I would have let the relationship progress faster than what I'm letting it progress now.

Edited October 17, 2011 by dsd85

[PegNosePete]

Stop talking crap on internet forums and make a decision. Sevenscars laid out the 4 options for you. So which will it be? By doing nothing, you are choosing option 4.

[Professor X]

kinder-horror, sevenscars, thank you.

 

i really hope i can stop this VERY soon, or have he courage to break up with them. It's not that I'm afraid of being alone, because I like being single just as much as I like being in a relationship, I was single for 6 months a year and a half ago when me and GUY#1 broke up and I was fine.

 

This is about me trying to figure out why I'm doing this? And GUY#2 IS great, and has good intentions, I guess I should have worded my sentence differently...it's not that I don't know if he's the one, it's more like I don't know if I will ever forget about GUY#1 and I know that if I let hi go now, that GUY#@ is in the picture, it will be over for good, because GUY#2 would make me very happy...ALSO, in some weird way, I feel like it's better to stay and figure this out, rather than go be with GUY#2 and live happily ever after knowing what I did, and leaving GUY#1 behind, it sucks! And I care about him too much.

 

GUY#2- If I enede up not getting back together with GUY#1 during the same time we started to reconnect? Well then there is no doubt GUY#2 would've made me very very happy, and I would have let the relationship progress faster than what I'm letting it progress now.

 

Stop idolizing guy #2, you have been laying to him every single day since you started to date (if I got it right), and as we know (you don't) RS are based on trust and honesty, neither of which you really got with guy #2, you have lied to his face every time you saw him by pretending you are his, which means he never actually put his trust in you, but rather in the mask of lies you created.

Imagine this: his past year or so (or however long you've been dating) has been a complete lie. Thanks to you.

 

P.S. Funny how you can say you can trust guy #2 101%... if he only knew the truth.

[oldguy]

I just wish one day the answer will come to me, but it never does, and this has gone on for far too long! Any advice??

 

It sounds very much like the answer has come to you, you just don't like the answer. walk away until you get your act together, 'suck it up buttercup'.

(that just seemed so appropriate in this case)

[Bryanp]

You need to be honest with guy number 2 now. He wants to marry you. What you are doing to him is absolutely vile. Tell him the truth and allow him to decide what he wishes to do. It is not just all about you. Allow this man the opportunity to decide or look for someone else who will truly love and respect him since you clearly cannot.

[Javelin]

I havent posted in like 2 years, but I you have an unanswered question lingering.

 

This is about me trying to figure out why I'm doing this?

 

You're trying to figure out why you're cheating on both of these guys?

 

1) You are afraid of what people might think of you for cheating.

2) You're afraid of losing both of these guys in your life.

3) You don't want to 'hurt' anyone.

4) You don't have the courage to take fault in your actions.

5) You hate confrontation.

6) You're playing 'get-back' at #1

 

I'm not going to explain my 6-points above, you should know why at this point.

 

Ultimately, both of these guys provide you with what is close to your perfect person, and apart, neither of them are 'the one' for you.

 

What you need to do is break up with them both, take some single time for yourself, and then devote yourself to finding 'the one.' Cause right now, even if you do find him, you are not ready.

Edited October 18, 2011 by Javelin

[RiverRunning]

YOu don't know if you'll ever get over Guy A because you haven't given yourself the chance to. Come clean, break it off and go no contact. Let yourself get over your feelings for him. You say you got over him cheating but I don't think you have. Revenge affairs (for women) are actually very common - it's an attempt to feel attractive again and to gain self-esteem. So, you're not alone there.

 

I think that is what this boils down to. I didn't get the impression OP was trying to 'justify' her behavior - I kind of hate how everyone throws that around when someone is explaining more of the background of the situation. Yes, what she's doing is still wrong. But by not getting to the source of WHY she cheated, she will likely just repeat the pattern again. Had she not thrown in the bit about the past cheating, I would assume she's probably just very young, wants variety, etc. But this seems almost certainly a self-esteem issue.

 

OP probably doesn't see herself as worthwhile or valuable and places a great deal of her self-worth on whether or not men find her attractive or will date her. It's also why the prospect of being alone seems to be so frightening to her. There are several books on self-esteem out there, OP - buy some. Try to compliment yourself.

 

I think it's good advice the others gave to come clean and break up with both to take time for yourself. Yes, you have cheated. But at least after this is over with you can tell yourself, "I made a mistake I will never repeat again. And more than that, I made a mistake and did my best to rectify it."

 

But I think you can only do that by getting to the source of your confusion. Guy A treated you horribly but you didn't want to risk being alone. The thought that two men liked you probably gave you a major self-esteem boost.

[ShannonMI]

I need help figuring this out. I HATE what I have become and I feel like I don't have anyone to tun to. I have been cheating on two guys for about a year now and it controls my life! I'm not the same person, I'm not happy, I'm thinking all the time! I don't want to go out with my friends, I don't enjoy the same thing I use to because I feel like I'm not myself and I'm slowly starting to hate myself.

 

I need to stop, but I honestly do not know what to do, since one of them is someone I've been with on and off for 5 years and I love him, but there are some factors that make me think twice to give him my all again, and the second guy is someone really special, but I can't figure out if he's the one.

 

I know the best option is to break up with both of them, but I can't bring myself to do it.

 

I just wish one day the answer will come to me, but it never does, and this has gone on for far too long! Any advice??

 

P.S- if anyone is dangerously close to cheating, don't do it! it will only change you into a person you do not want to become!

 

Wait I'm confused. You are cheating WITH two guys on a boyfriend or husband? Or you are just f*cking two different guys at the same time? If it's the latter, are you "exclusive" with either guy? Meaning do you tell both of them that they are the only one?

[blueskyday]

Everyone has already given you great advice and have perfectly analyzed your motivation and choices.

 

I have been where you are. Your #1 guy was exactly the same situation as my #1 guy. My #2 was a kind, sweet guy, too. Long story short, I broke up with both of them, and didn't tell either of them. I didn't have the guts, but I also knew the relationships were doomed because I ruined them at the foundational level. The only way I could have chosen one and broken up with the other was to tell the chosen one the truth. No more lies, not even one of illusion, the illusion of fidelity.

 

Years later, I still regret my awful behavior, but I understand it better. I was acting out of a lot of grief and post traumatic stress disorder (diagnosed, but still no excuse.) Truth be told, I never ever got over the cheating, abuse, and termination of the pregnancy. I was completely acting out instead of doing what I needed to. I should have left #1. Maybe you should have left your #1. Does that seem true to you now?

 

My #2 wasn't quite right for me either. He filled in the gaps left by #1, which means I was using him as a back up, and as a coping mechanism to handle the dysfunctional relationship with #1. Completely unfair of me.

 

After years of therapy, I see that I was very messed up. Like you, I thought I had to chose between the two men, and I was miserable trying to figure out a solution with the same mindset that let me create the problem.

 

I tell you all this so you know I understand your misery. Your conscience simply won't allow you to do this anymore. That's a good thing. You must stop. You know that. There is no easy way. It's been said the easiest way around a difficult situation is straight through it.

 

Sit quietly for two hours without distraction. The answer will come to you, probably way ahead of two hours. Then gather the courage and act upon what you are told to do....but the only option not available is to lie by omission if you stay with one of them. You must tell him the truth so you are different from what you were before. If you are now honest, then you must be honest and take whatever consequences arise. The reason you lied before was to control the outcome. No more trying to control what's outside your sphere of control.

 

Personally, I would break up with both of them and start fresh. It was what worked for me, along with a complete dedication to a life of truth.

 

Think of why you lied in the first place. You weren't getting your needs met. You thought, "He did it to me. I can do it to him." I did that, too, and I was horrified that I could have become like that, but I know it came from a deep place of hurt and I gave myself that excuse. Never again will I give myself an excuse to do the wrong thing. If I had to lose a relationship because I did the wrong thing, then that was my punishment.

 

From now on, commit to always communicating your needs and getting them met in an honest and virtuous way.

 

Tell everybody the truth about everything, especially yourself. Hugs.

Edited October 18, 2011 by blueskyday

[orion1010]

So which option will you choose? What do you think is right?

[whichwayisup]

I need help figuring this out. I HATE what I have become and I feel like I don't have anyone to tun to. I have been cheating on two guys for about a year now and it controls my life! I'm not the same person, I'm not happy, I'm thinking all the time! I don't want to go out with my friends, I don't enjoy the same thing I use to because I feel like I'm not myself and I'm slowly starting to hate myself.

 

I need to stop, but I honestly do not know what to do, since one of them is someone I've been with on and off for 5 years and I love him, but there are some factors that make me think twice to give him my all again, and the second guy is someone really special, but I can't figure out if he's the one.

 

I know the best option is to break up with both of them, but I can't bring myself to do it.

 

I just wish one day the answer will come to me, but it never does, and this has gone on for far too long! Any advice??

 

P.S- if anyone is dangerously close to cheating, don't do it! it will only change you into a person you do not want to become!

 

Harsh advice coming and this isn't personal, it's a reality check that you need.

 

Stop having your cake and eating it too. Break up with BOTH men and be alone to fix yourself so you won't ever cheat on any future partners. If you want to change and if you're that unhappy then do something about it. Don't let fear of the unknown make you do nothing and continue doing what you're doing.

 

Sooner or later one or both are going to find out and then you will have MORE drama and their pain, anger and resentment to deal with.

 

The choice really is simple. Just stop cheating.

[HappyFlower]

i really hope i can stop this VERY soon, or have he courage to break up with them.

 

You hope? Thats basically like you want someone else to do it for you. Do what needs to be done, stop sitting around hoping for something to magically happen for you to get you out of the hole you've dug for yourself.

 

Clearly you don't have the courage to break up with them, or you would have done so before cheating started. Courage is a positive quality, and this is not about courage. This is about weakness and cowardice.

 

Tell them both, and accept their responses as fair and justified, do not fight them or try to explain your actions. And then go away and work on yourself