How to cope with knowing that you truly lost your dream girl?

[nohope]

I've been lurking and reading a lot of posts here lately, and I thought it was time I shared some of my own pain on this forum.

 

I've done as much as I can to be logical about this situation, and put emotions aside to analyze it, even with the help of friends and what not. And the conclusions I have come to are quite bleak and depressing.

 

I'm 23. I never had much luck dating women, or let alone having any girl interested in me. I'm quite short (5' 5") and not very good looking. chalk it up to insecurities I suppose. I had an ugly high school relationship (on off type of thing for a couple of years with a very psycho girl). Then a couple of brief relationships with quite average girls who dumped me pretty quickly (after a couple months) saying they didn't find me very attractive, and to begin with I had to work super hard to get them to go out with me. I've never had girls be really that interested in me, I've always had to work to even get girls to give a second glance at me. You can say it's the insecurity or lack of confidence or whatever, but this was all while I was quite socially successful, "life of the party" if you will, having tons of good friends (both male and female).

 

Anyways, I met a girl that I was very attracted to in my class 20 months ago. This girl was absolutely gorgeous. I worked up the courage to ask her out, and after slight hesitation she decided to give things a shot. We both fell head over heels for each other. Crazy love. We did everything together, were super compatible, went on tons of vacations and trips together. I won't go into too much detail about our relationship, but things were just amazing. I fell in love with this girl pretty soon as I learned she really had a beautiful, beautiful soul. The kindest most caring person I'd ever met, who did so much for me and looked after me. And it wasn't just my infatuation that made me see her this way; all my friends and family that got to know her went on and on about how incredible a person she was ,and how kind/compassionate she was on the inside once they all got to know her.

 

Fast forward some time, and let's just say I blew it: I started suffering in school and unable to handle the stress and often emotionally broke down. Being the kind girl that she was, she helped me get through and would stay after school long hours to help me finish my work and get caught up (and would essentially tutor me). This went on for a while and throughout it she said it was causing her to lose some attraction to me (obviously the neediness and lack of alpha strenght on my part). Instead of trying to help alleviate it (which she was giving me the opportunity to do), I was concerned with my insecurity in other areas: I was constantly worrying about spending time with other friends to make sure I was not out of their circle, and in the process wasn't doing much to look after my own girlfriend (just assuming things would be dandy). Didn't plan many dates, etc. Anyways, she broke up with me 2 months ago, saying that she had lost feelings for me, and that she had tried to get them back over the last 4 months or so (because she really did like me...most people would have just given up once feelings faded) but it was just unbearable at that point.

 

So she broke up with me. And she wants to be single for now I know that. However, she's had numerous guys already ask her out. As for me, I've just been heartbroken. I broke all the rules for the dumpee (NC, space) and tried to win her back to no avail. Since giving up and deciding to move on, I have tried attempting to at least talk to girls and flirt with them (not even looking to date necessarily or anything) but girls that are leagues below her, don't even give me a second glance. It's such a huge blow to my self esteem, to go from having a girl of her amazing personality, stunning looks, overall package (she had a 3.97 GPA, was involved in cheerleading and other sports, won research awards at conferences) who was just so in love with me, to this.

 

She never treated me bad, was always so kind to me, and did so so much for me. I know people say to stop putting your ex on the pedestal and not idealize them because they're not as great as you remember them being, but I truly believe after logical evaluation that mine was like that (I'm trying to look at this objectively without resorting to one-itis). And everyone else that knew her pretty much validates this. I took her for granted, and know girls like her don't come around very often. I got too comfortable in her affection for me, and stopped really putting in any sort of effort on my end to keep the relationship healthy and in effect let the love die. And now here I am, back to the same old guy who struggles to even get a below average girl to give him a chance.

 

How on earth do I move on from this? It's one thing when people say you'll meet plenty more girls. Well I don't think I'd ever be able to not compare other girls to how amazing she was. On top of that, meeting girls for me has always been such a struggle. It took 3 years from my last relationship prior to this one to get a girl interested in me, and she really did end up being the lottery number so to speak. Being a 5' 5" guy, its fair to say the dating pool is already extremely limited (regardless of how much confidence I exude). Whereas her, she could honestly have any pick of guys she wants. When you combine the 2 facts (how incredible she was, plus how difficult it is for me to meet girls in the first place), I feel like there is really no hope left.

[PositiveNegative]

Oh man, I feel for you. I really do. I see a lot of similarities in your story to mine. I SUCK at meeting girls. My girlfriends pretty much just fell into my lap and I've never really had to fight for a girl.

 

I had a situation last year where some drama occurred between my best friend and I. Long story short, he isn't my best friend anymore. I was crushed because I've always had trust issues and this guy really enforced them. So what did I do? I whined and moped around my girlfriend, and you are right, that does make them lose attraction in some ways. We also stopped doing "fun" things and essentially stayed in most weekends. At the same time though if a girl truly loved you and wanted to be with you for the long haul then a brief lapse into sadness would not mean squat in the long run.

 

I think you are putting yourself way down. I did too at first and guess what? I'm 5'4". Boo hoo. I don't care about that AT ALL and you shouldn't either. That's a limitation!? Honestly? You aren't so shallow that you would let a gorgeous 5'7" girl pass you by would you?

 

So the girl you dated was gorgeous, mine was too. Everyone of my friends loved her and compared her positively to other people's girlfriends. The girl you dated have had multiple people ask her out, mine is already dating a new guy! I'm only 2 months post BU as well. Yeah, at the beginning I just couldn't stand the thought of someone else. It was terrifying! That feeling still creeps up every once in awhile and you know what I always do when that happens? I imagine her on that pedastal and I imagine my self on the bottom of it, I'm looking up and I have this giant axe so I start swinging at the damn thing. That's what you need to do man, cut her down because perfect is non-existent in this world. "Perfect" is in the mind. 2 weeks after my break up I saw the first girl that I truly found attractive in 2 damn years, I mean one that I would've gladly asked out. 2 weeks after I see another. Where were these girls before?! Last week I caught a girl clearly starting at me. These are huge steps and make me feel so good about everything.

 

She was incredible, yes. But you got her. Tell yourself that. She CHOSE you, even if she did leave you, she did chose you initially. 20 months is no joke either, if she was with you for that long then you were doing something right! And if she is leaving for essentially no reason then it's her loss! You are a great guy. Tell yourself that and believe, she wouldn't have been with you otherwise.

 

If you got one good girl you will find another. Guaranteed. How do you move on from this? Corny as it is, time is key. We're together in this man, you'll be okay and I know it. You sound like you got a good head on and you have excellent sentence structure and grammar so I know you aren't going crazy about this!

 

We all make our own hope. It can be inspired by things in life but in the end we are the makers of it. Start making yours. Do it for yourself and no one else.

[GymRat]

Hey man, don't be so down on yourself! I can relate to your story very well, I honestly would look back at my ex and think about how perfect she was, because she wasn't just good looking, but she was one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. Until she broke up with me, and I found out that she cheated on me before she broke up. Then I realized, you know what, she's not as perfect as I thought.

 

But that's another story. What you should realize is that you attracted this girl, and made a fairly long relationship out of it! And I know the first thing that crosses your mind is "I'll never attract someone like her again!". But here's the thing: You will! There are a ton of girls out there, and while you might think your ex is so unique, there are lots of girls just like her.

 

But even so, don't just sit there and compare every girl to your ex, and feel that if they're not as good looking, you're failing. If your past relationship was great, don't feel sad about. You learned a lot about what you like in a girl, and though you've described her as someone that's flawless, there were obviously flaws. And now you know what you don't like in a girl. So use these experiences to your benefit, and keep your chin up. Don't feel sorry for yourself, because that's silly and it doesn't accomplish anything. Make a conscious effort to improve yourself, both physically and emotionally. Go to the gym, work on those biceps. Read some articles about improving your confidence, and actually follow some of the advice. I've been where you are before, and believe me, you start to feel better with time! And in the meantime, be the best you can be and just enjoy life. Things will fall into place my man.

 

All the best.

[nohope]

thank you guys. I'll try to keep my head up.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look, first of all good post, be proud of yourself for expressing this and letting it out.

 

Every guy has been through this or will go through this at one time or another. It took me until 31 years old, but It finally got me and It kicked my ass pretty good.

 

Unlike you, I'm not short..I'm 6'1, good looking enough, and have a fairly ideal body/frame spending years as an athlete (football) and I never had any problems getting a date or a gf. But if you think that changes things like pain or suffering, getting hurt? it doesn't, everyone no matter how good looking, tall or what have you will go through experiences because love touches everyone and it hurts just as much.

 

I traveled around the world for my "dream girl", trying to win her back after years of separation. Looking back on how great she was and everything she meant to me and how I should have treated her better and be the man I could have been. But now it's like that ship has just sailed. She never sees me for who I am today because of what I did in the past, she wants to give me a second chance but she can't, she can't bring herself to trust me and open up. And that absolutely destroys me. So I'm just left there with my emotions.

 

Every other person in between I was with while we were not together was like almost nothing, as I was holding onto her emotionally...I made sure no one could live up to greatness, or could love me the same, I just refused to accept it, I believed in something and was determined to make myself suffer and endure for it. All the women in between were just bodies, I'm getting love and affection from people and I couldn't even feel it...i felt like a drug addict sprawled out on a couch and I could feel someone touching me but I was numb, I felt out of body.

 

Nobody could replace her, there was no other, this allowed me to be selfish and take advantage of women for my own needs. I didn't worry about losing them because they never meant to me what she meant. This allowed me to hurt people and desensitize myself to others. For a moment I looked at myself and felt like a lot of those jaded women that you see out there...men think they have it made, just like some men If they knew my "luck" would also think I was happy and had it made too because we didn't have to be alone, but you know...a part of me was always alone.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that don't focus on the amount of women you can get, or how you might not be the ideal guy on paper...it only takes one woman, that's all you need...one woman, and you already accomplished that. You pulled it off and caught an amazing girl, and because of lack of experience, you let her go in the relationship...and I with a great deal more experience let mine go as well...but we're both just as foolish, and we both needed to grow.

 

Learn from your experience, gain your confidence back, believe in who you are and what you are capable of by proving it to yourself...and don't do what I did and disconnect from everyone there after holding on to this.

 

Right now I can't even go out with my head on straight either since it was recent, the one girl I lay on the train tracks for and I get ran over(yet I've broken so many hearts maybe I deserved it I guess i could tell myself - but you know what, no one else matters)...but you can't just recover from that easily, it takes time, the kind of a thing hurts no matter who you are or what kind of dating life you have had.

Edited December 13, 2011 by Ninjainpajamas

[smudge21]

You're not alone in your pain and you'll see that by trawling through here on a daily basis. Despite everyone telling you that time heals and that you will find someone else, until the day you are healed you won't understand any of that. It will happen, but when it happens is anyones guess. Just try to focus on staying busy as it's the quiet times when our minds and hearts wander. Good luck and stay strong.

[Rorschach64]

"At the same time though if a girl truly loved you and wanted to be with you for the long haul then a brief lapse into sadness would not mean squat in the long run."

 

This and more of this! Just because you are having a low point in your life a person that has true love for you wouldn't up and abandon you. If you doubt this, then I ask you, would you have left this girl if she had been in the same situation as you were? I would be willing to go ahead and say your answer would be no.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this because the girl was immature. Also, I know how you feel, man. When my ex-fiancee dumped me for no sound reason, I was devestated and felt like my whole world came crashing down, ending in a furious hellfire. Now 6 months later of NC, I am better, I still miss her and love her but I am not thinking about it anymore.

[Riseabove]

So you had one gorgeous girlfriend. What makes you think it wont happen again? Do you think it was just a fluke? Dont be so hard on yourself! It is hard to find someone you want to be with. Thats no different for beautiful people. So what if it takes 3 years. Personally I need a couple of years between my relationships to be able to start from scratch. In the meantime I live my life:)

 

If your appearance is as bad as you say it is (most likely it is not) then your personality must be damn good! And personality is the most important thing. Women dont emphazise beauty as much as men do. Average Joes in the looks department get the best women:) Maybe you wont have as many one-night stands as the George Clooney's of the world, but getting a smart and beautiful girlfriend, that is right for you, is totally within reach as long as you are genuinly interested in her, confident and not being a jerk.

 

When I got my first "serious" girlfriend at age 15 I was shocked that someone as smart and beautiful could be interested in me. I thought a lot like you. i thought I would never be able to have a girlfriend like this again. Looking back now at age 36 I've only had smart, funny and beautiful girlfriends:)

 

Give yourself some time to get over your loss and use the time to get in shape. Do some good old barbell strength training and your brain and body is going to be very thankful for it. If you have never done it before you'll be amazed by the confidence it can give you. Girls like confidence:) Everyone does:) And a nice girl will eventually come knocking on your door:)