Needs Input

[lifeiscomplicated3]

I'm 19 and I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and 3 months. We are going to the same college and assume we will get married someday. He's a really great boyfriend, he's always there for me, he takes care of me, he puts our relationship first.

 

But last year I cheated on him.

 

We started dating when we were 15, we were both young and had no idea how to be in an adult relationship. We went too fast and too serious too quickly. I gave up things that I believed in, my values in order to make him happy. For the first year and half of our relationship he wasn't a good boyfriend. We had good times, but I was spiraling downward. My whole life became about him, and he would use it against me when we had arguments. I became very depressed and started cutting. I loved him more than anything but I kept letting every problem we had destroy my confidence and my well-being. At one point he broke up with me because he wasn't sure if I was good enough for him. He chose me and I took him back but it only furthered my depression and I soon became suicidal, irrational, and risque.

 

My ex-boyfriend became my new outlet. I developed these fantasies about my ex pulling me out of my dark hole. He talked to me, cared about me, and we always had fun. So I turned to him to make me forget about everything else and this led to sex. It went on for about 2 months until my mom found out and sent me to therapy and put me on intense restrictions.

 

It's been over a year since that time and I am no longer depressed, my life is looking good. My boyfriend has changed and he really is everything I could ask for. We still have arguments and we disagree but we deal with it and move on. We're both in a better place. The problem is that I still can't seem to get cheating off my mind. I feel like I'm still holding a grudge against my boyfriend and blaming him for all those bad times. I know that I shouldn't, that everything is over and done with, we've both changed, and so I shouldn't still feeling like I need some sort of escape.

 

Why is this still going on and how do I make it stop? I want to be able to have a life with my boyfriend, and eventually a marriage and kids, without worrying about where my thoughts are leading me.

[january2011]

Because you have spoken to a therapist in the past, I strongly suggest that you revisit that. As you know, they will be able to give you some strategies to deal with your thoughts.