Why do we suffer so much after an affair?

[Choose Life]

First A with a MM, and months after he ended it has been hell. I have had relationships before (single guys), sure it hurts, breakups do, but I let go and got over it. So why did this one A, mess me up so much? Was it the fact I blame myself for being stupid, for allowing one guy to use me, even though he claimed to love me?

 

I have read that women really do go through it, maybe because they are left alone and the guy goes back to the family unit, like nothing happened? What do you think? It's his birthday today, and I thought about him, even thought about getting him a card. After all that happened and I want to get the guy a birthday card, I won't, be even so the thought of it

[nonamefornow]

Choose Life

 

I've been wondering the exact same thing, though I think I know where I've gone wrong! We ended in June yet stayed in daily contact.....and that continued right through until Saturday just past with the exception of 6 days in August.

 

We work together so I have to see him sometimes, however, day 2 of NC and I feel like we've just broken up. Can't wait to get home from work tonight to just cry if I want to! I just feel the last 7/8 mths have been a total waste of my time, yet I still have very strong feelings towards him.

 

Of course he's still at home.....and I am alone (as usual!) - maybe that is the difficult thing - going from 2% of his time to none!!!

[Barrsitter]

This is an excellent question.

 

I wonder if it's b/c As make us try harder and want the MM more (since he's not available). So we invest a lot more love, effort, convincing, supporting, counselling, sex, justification, theorizing, mind-games, comparing, etc., etc. than we would for a single man.

 

With trying to get a MM, we drain ourselves of self-love and energy by trying to move mountains and grasping at something that is now ours to have. More effort, more struggle, more self-delusion, more romanticising what we don't have...more let down when we don't get it.

 

I am now out of my A and will never do that to myself again.

 

I am now concentrating on self-love and inviting into my life only friends and a man who will love me as I am, be totally available and wanting to be with me and who will celebrate my life. No more one-way energy drain-out for me, thanks.

 

Be well. Namaste.

[skywriter]

This is an excellent question.

 

I wonder if it's b/c As make us try harder and want the MM more (since he's not available). So we invest a lot more love, effort, convincing, supporting, counselling, sex, justification, theorizing, mind-games, comparing, etc., etc. than we would for a single man.

 

With trying to get a MM, we drain ourselves of self-love and energy by trying to move mountains and grasping at something that is now ours to have. More effort, more struggle, more self-delusion, more romanticising what we don't have...more let down when we don't get it.

 

I am now out of my A and will never do that to myself again.

 

I am now concentrating on self-love and inviting into my life only friends and a man who will love me as I am, be totally available and wanting to be with me and who will celebrate my life. No more one-way energy drain-out for me, thanks.

 

Be well. Namaste.

 

 

I love this post, and it describes, so well ,how I felt at times in my A. I'm out of my A now and also agree with concentrating on myself.

[TigerCub]

Hey Choose Life,

 

Things hurt a lot after the A pretty much for all the reasons you listed.

 

When you and a "single" guy break up, it just didn't work out, you don't know that he's leaving you to be with someone else.

But with a MM, you know pretty much that he is choosing someone else over you - that would hurt a LOT.

 

Also, it is for all the things you get mad at yourself over (after its done) for:

- letting him "use" you

- for believing lies

- for settling for way less that you normally would have

- for still loving them

- for giving your all and not getting even 1/2 of that in return.

 

All those realizations hurt.

But use that hurt/anger to push past it all.

 

Its been about a year since things ended with xMM, and life is so much better, I'm happier, I'm in love, I'm in control, I feel cherished and loved and valued and ending things with xMM was the best thing I've ever done.

 

It will get better, push past it, use your anger to stay strong and NOT call him or text him or send him any b-day cards or wishes

 

Hang in there CL

[SunsetRed]

A break up with an MM does hurt more. My break up has caused so much pain, I felt it physically through my body. This break up hurt more than the loss of my first love/bf and worse than my divorce.

 

I think that many MM's present themselves as husband material, rather than boyfriend material. Duh, probably because they really are someone's husband. But seriously, they carry themselves in a more mature manner and behave more as provider, protector commitment material than the average single guy you meet. When we meet a single guy, whether we mean to or not, we are sizing him up to see what type of partner he'd make. MM's present themselves as husband material and they make us feel like they would be ours if it weren't for a simple little legality.

 

That little legality is no longer so little when push comes to shove and they have to choose between the wife and the OW. The OW should never fight a wife. You'll never win and will lose your dignity in the process. She has all the pull and even if you we think she doesnt love him and all she wants is the money, she still has every legal right to him and she and he both know it. Even if she had no longer wanted him at one point, usually when she sees him with his new gf, she'll want him back and will play the "wife card" which is always a winning card.

 

Back to why does it hurt so much..the man you love, the man you almost felt like was your husband, goes back to being a REAL husband to a REAL wife that she shared vows, a home and a history with and we, the Ow are abruptly left with nothing.

 

Its easy to imagine a single ex going back to a life of beer and easy ho's but a xMM goes back to living with and caring for a wife and a wife is what we hoped to be.

 

That's my summary of why it hurts so much. Lesson learned. I will never allow myself to go through this much pain again. If I had to go through this much pain again, I'd be living in a psych ward.

 

I've said this before and I'll say it again..the only thing a break up with an MM is good for is losing weight. These break ups are worth at least 20 lbs.

[Yianks]

First A with a MM, and months after he ended it has been hell. I have had relationships before (single guys), sure it hurts, breakups do, but I let go and got over it. So why did this one A, mess me up so much? Was it the fact I blame myself for being stupid, for allowing one guy to use me, even though he claimed to love me?

 

I have read that women really do go through it, maybe because they are left alone and the guy goes back to the family unit, like nothing happened? What do you think? It's his birthday today, and I thought about him, even thought about getting him a card. After all that happened and I want to get the guy a birthday card, I won't, be even so the thought of it

 

Being myself an exOM I can definetly tell you that As leave tremendous pain regardless if its a MM or a MW involved. By definition, the single person gets most of the hurt after they end.

 

I guess this is the price we have to pay for being involved with someone who is taken. Will I ever do again? Definetly not, there are plenty of single women out there.

[SBC]

Being myself an exOM I can definetly tell you that As leave tremendous pain regardless if its a MM or a MW involved. By definition, the single person gets most of the hurt after they end.

 

.

 

This is YOUR definition because it is how it feels for you. But I don't think it is necessarily true. Anyone who thinks that after an affair that the MP just slides back into their married life painlessly and seamlessly is fooling themselves.

 

In fact, I would bet it is WORSE for the MP, simply because they got a taste of freedom and then had to head back to "jail" Whereas the SP (once the get their head out of their a@@) is free to move onto bigger and better things.

 

I amazes me that so many single OW/OM cannot see how they are in the better position than the MP. *shakes head*

[Barrsitter]

The posts on this thread are fantastic and extremely helpful!

 

One of the primary reasons we suffer so much when something we want goes away, is that we want it too much. We hold people and things in our hands so tightly, that we cling and claw and suffer when they leave. And they always leave.

 

Happiness comes and goes. Sadness comes and goes. Relationships come and go. Life comes and goes.

 

Go to youtube.com and type in "Christine Breese 20 Letting Go". Watch this very wise young woman talk about letting go of relationships. Also, on another thread, someone posted a link to "Madeo" an old woman character of Tyler Perry's House of Payne. Madeo talks to a young woman who wants a husband. She says at one point "if a man wants to leave you, let him leave. Don't hang on".

 

It is very hard to love someone and let them walk out of your life. I know. I'm getting over my MM as we speak. I've been unmarried for 19 years so I really wanted my MM especially since we were high school sweethearts, but alas, at the moment it appears I will not have MM.

 

Lesson learned: stay out of some other woman's kitchen. Even if the MM comes looking for it. We have to be like a General of an army and have a plan and stick to it, no matter what. That how you win wars. Strategy and resolve in the face of trial and weakness.

 

Be strong. Be self-loving. Be healed.

 

Namaste

[Barrsitter]

SBC,

 

You make a good point about MM or MW not having things at home all sweetness and light after the A. The vindictive/childish part of me certainly hopes that my MM will suffer for the rest of his life for not having the balls to walk out on what he portrayed as a dead marriage.

 

But you are right. The SP does have control and more options than MM or MW. Just keep in mind that it's a process and that when a heart doesn't get what it was set on, it's a process of letting go and healing.

 

Namaste.

[SBC]

SBC,

 

Just keep in mind that it's a process and that when a heart doesn't get what it was set on, it's a process of letting go and healing.

 

Namaste.

 

I get that, and really I am convincing myself as much as I am trying to convince anyone else.

[TigerCub]

This is YOUR definition because it is how it feels for you. But I don't think it is necessarily true. Anyone who thinks that after an affair that the MP just slides back into their married life painlessly and seamlessly is fooling themselves.

 

In fact, I would bet it is WORSE for the MP, simply because they got a taste of freedom and then had to head back to "jail" Whereas the SP (once the get their head out of their a@@) is free to move onto bigger and better things.

 

I amazes me that so many single OW/OM cannot see how they are in the better position than the MP. *shakes head*

 

Oh I certainly saw that I had it better, because I had my freedom and he had obligations and dirty diapers to change.

 

Still the idea that the MP goes on without much pain was something that I firmly believed and I'll tell you why...

 

It is because I told myself repeatedly that his feelings must have all been a lie, that he just pretended to feel something for me in hope of getting what he wanted. Or else, we would have been together...

So, if his feelings were fake, if he was all a lie, then how much could he really suffer over my ending the A??

 

That was my line of thinking and it could totally be wrong. I just wanted to explain why we think that we (the AP) come out with more pain, even if we were the ones that ended the A.

 

Sure, I had more freedom and way better things to move on to, but at least my feelings were real, so my pain was too.

 

anywhos, just telling you what I was thinking..

[Barrsitter]

SBC - well, it's great that you are here on LS. I hope you can get some help and much needed encouragement to heal and move on when you are ready. This is really hard, so be kind and forgiving to yourself and the other person.

[SBC]

 

It is because I told myself repeatedly that his feelings must have all been a lie, that he just pretended to feel something for me in hope of getting what he wanted. Or else, we would have been together...

So, if his feelings were fake, if he was all a lie, then how much could he really suffer over my ending the A??

 

..

 

I am not aware of your story, so obviously what I am about to say is more related to my own AP than anything else, but here goes...

 

Obviously there are those MP that are serial cheaters and I am not speaking of them here. But I think most MP that are looking for something outside of their marriage are not faking their feelings. They really and truly feel them, but the dynamics of their marriage are a powerful influence and they don't know how to get out from under that influence.

 

Think about everything that goes into ending a marriage. It is not a simple matter of filing, packing up and riding off into the sunset. It involves a sense of failure, the disappointment of lots of people, a loss of identity, not to mention the logistics. I don't know about your Ap, but mine, he has stuff. Lots of stuff. What to do with it all? And I know he does not want to just abandon his life's work. For many men, it is a HUGE process to work though. And not all men have the mental and emotional tools to do work through this process. They can see where they would like to get to, but they don't know how to get there. And truly, I feel bad for them. They will never experience the glorious rebirth that a total life change can bring --instead they will get stuck right at the edge and they will suffer there.

 

So, while it may be cold comfort, I doubt the reason you are not together is because his feelings were fake.

[Choose Life]

Some really good points of view here, and it's helping. I think why I'm finding it so hard, is the fact he made it look easy ending with me and going back to his W. I could tell sometimes he was hurting and others planning a holiday with the family and looking happy! The times he would tell me how happy he was, how he could imagine a life with me, how we connected, how much he loved me. Why couldn't he give us a chance? It's true when you end a relationship with a 'single' guy, you know that person has not chosen someone over you. I haven't got a huge ego, I just feel so sad to have lost someone I loved so much, but then he wasn't mine to begin with, it was just my imagination. I guess it's what I deserve in the end.

 

It will never happen again, I know that, HUGE lesson learned. I have enrolled on courses, meeting new people and taking it one day at a time. Just threw me, how much it has effected me so much, and still how much it hurts

[Barrsitter]

SBC said

 

I am not aware of your story, so obviously what I am about to say is more related to my own AP than anything else, but here goes...

 

Obviously there are those MP that are serial cheaters and I am not speaking of them here. But I think most MP that are looking for something outside of their marriage are not faking their feelings. They really and truly feel them, but the dynamics of their marriage are a powerful influence and they don't know how to get out from under that influence.

 

Think about everything that goes into ending a marriage. It is not a simple matter of filing, packing up and riding off into the sunset. It involves a sense of failure, the disappointment of lots of people, a loss of identity, not to mention the logistics. I don't know about your Ap, but mine, he has stuff. Lots of stuff. What to do with it all? And I know he does not want to just abandon his life's work. For many men, it is a HUGE process to work though. And not all men have the mental and emotional tools to do work through this process. They can see where they would like to get to, but they don't know how to get there. And truly, I feel bad for them. They will never experience the glorious rebirth that a total life change can bring --instead they will get stuck right at the edge and they will suffer there.

 

So, while it may be cold comfort, I doubt the reason you are not together is because his feelings were fake."

 

Awesome post SBC! You really nailed it and I am now starting to feel some empathy for my MM. I know for a fact that he is totally conflicted. He saw me last week and said he thinks he is meant to be with his W but said that he has no interest in her sexually. He also said that he told his wife that he didn't know if he could stay. So his head is telling him to stay and his heart and soul are telling him to leave. So he's conflicted big time (which is his problem and not mine any longer ) and so he sits there refusing to make any decision. It's sad, really. Sad that someone can't just take the heat and endure temporary pain for long-term gain. It's also sad for his W who does not have all of her husband's commitment. And as I said to my xMM, he may well be standing in his W's way of finding her true soul-mate. He's blocking his and his W's authenticity and happiness. But as I say....that's his problem, not mine. I'm finding my own happiness now by returning to myself...a lovely place to be

 

I would add on the issue of failure...that is a judgment call that a lot of people heap on themselves. I did too when I got divorced many years ago. But in time, I saw my divorce as life-saving. Temporary pain for long-term gain.

 

Thanks SBC!

Edited October 17, 2011 by Barrsitter

[Choose Life]

Thank you SBC, that really gave me some perspective. I also feel a little empathy. I really did/do love him, I know deep down he loved me too, I guess it's now a case of maybe another life with him.

[Circular]

I think SBC explained it very well.

 

I know for myself my feelings were everything but fake (MM w/ MW). I know I ended it, I walked away, and the only way I could walk away was to remove myself completely from the situation, become cold, become distant, and act like I didn't care. My only alternative was to remain vulnerable somehow and the issue there is that being vulnerable is what keeps us in the situation, keeps us attached and when we break-away we're fighting that attachment, trying to break it apart.

 

In turn xMW became cold, distant herself towards me, can't say I really blame her, though she had started doing this before I walked away while she was flip-flopping. Honestly, it's been the most painful break-up I've ever experienced.

 

I think there is a little part of all of us that wants to believe it meant less, or meant nothing to the AP, even though we seek validation to the contrary. By believing they can be so cold, callous, unloving, etc... we find a foothold for anger, distrust, disbelief that makes it easier for us to let go, or keep a distance. I in some ways this is important initially to get us to a better place. Over time though this gets replaced by reality, that it did mean something in the moment, that love doesn't conquer all and we accept that the other person really isn't a bad person but that they're trying to deal with a complicated situation as best as they can.

 

The sucky thing about being an MP is dealing with the grief. When? Where? I have to wait until nobody is around, in my car, it sucks and I can't do what I used to do in college; go party with my friends and start something with someone else. Oh, I'll never have another A, I know that for sure.

[Barrsitter]

Circular - you are a MM who had an A with a MW? Correct?

 

If so, may I please ask you some questions?

 

What led you to having an A?

Was it something that is lacking in your marriage?

Why didn't you leave your M?

Now that you are staying, what will you do with your M? Work on it?

What will you do with all the feelings for your xOMW?

Did your W know about your A?

 

Thanks.

[fluffyfail]

Hey Choose Life,

 

Things hurt a lot after the A pretty much for all the reasons you listed.

 

When you and a "single" guy break up, it just didn't work out, you don't know that he's leaving you to be with someone else.

But with a MM, you know pretty much that he is choosing someone else over you - that would hurt a LOT.

 

Also, it is for all the things you get mad at yourself over (after its done) for:

- letting him "use" you

- for believing lies

- for settling for way less that you normally would have

- for still loving them

- for giving your all and not getting even 1/2 of that in return.

 

All those realizations hurt.

But use that hurt/anger to push past it all.

 

Its been about a year since things ended with xMM, and life is so much better, I'm happier, I'm in love, I'm in control, I feel cherished and loved and valued and ending things with xMM was the best thing I've ever done.

 

It will get better, push past it, use your anger to stay strong and NOT call him or text him or send him any b-day cards or wishes

 

Hang in there CL

 

 

This post really hit home for me.

 

What a great place this is, I have been reading this forum section specifically for the past couple of days and today have finally found the strength to end my A.

 

No doubt I’ll be posting on here a lot in the coming days, weeks, months for strength.

[2sure]

Something else to consider when you are the single OW after the end of your affair. Often the truth is that there never was a competition between the wife and the OW - not even as far as the MM's feelings were concerned. Yes, his feelings for you could definitely have been sincere and real. His feelings for his wife could be similar or much less or more than his feelings for you. But the thing is - he isnt choosing his family, his wife, or his finances over you. He, as always, is choosing what is best and easiest for HIM. Because he comes first. There is no real sacrifice involved in his decision, except that this time, right now - he cant everything he wants.

[SBC]

Be careful with empathy, it is a dangerous (two sided) emotion. Use empathy to keep your from being vindictive --being vindictive serves no purpose. So this is a good use of empathy. But if taken too far, it can lead to feeling sorry for someone which weakens boundaries.

 

Just because they get snagged up in the stream of life does not mean you have to get stuck with them. It is a trap and they will die there. Keep flowing with the stream of life --better things wait for you downstream.

 

If he does not have the strength to break free, you don't want him anyway.

[Barrsitter]

Fluffyfail,

 

Do make sure you stay plugged into this thread and others on this topic. You will need this for the strength to end your A, if you choose to.

[Barrsitter]

"Be careful with empathy, it is a dangerous (two sided) emotion. Use empathy to keep your from being vindictive --being vindictive serves no purpose. So this is a good use of empathy. But if taken too far, it can lead to feeling sorry for someone which weakens boundaries.

 

Just because they get snagged up in the stream of life does not mean you have to get stuck with them. It is a trap and they will die there. Keep flowing with the stream of life --better things wait for you downstream.

 

If he does not have the strength to break free, you don't want him anyway."

 

Totally Agree SBC! Well said.

[SBC]

 

The sucky thing about being an MP is dealing with the grief. When? Where? I have to wait until nobody is around, in my car, it sucks and I can't do what I used to do in college; go party with my friends and start something with someone else. Oh, I'll never have another A, I know that for sure.

 

WHY? why not just end it? (your marriage) I can understand that walking through the wall of fire is a terrifying prospect, but it is like tearing a bandage off a really hairy part of the body. I would rather suffer through ripping it off all at one time than to pull a hair a day for the rest of my life.

 

Wouldn't you?

Edited October 17, 2011 by SBC