Why do we suffer so much after an affair?

[Barrsitter]

I'm only speaking for myself here, but I'm not a little girl. I knew what I was doing when I got involved with my xMM. I knew the risks. I knew three people would get hurt. I knew he was a MM so therefore, I knew I would not have a normal relationship. Still, I pursued the MM and allowed him to pursue me. Basically, I was such an egomaniac that I thought I could persuade my xMM to leave his wife of 28 years and drop everything in his life, for me. So, I am the cause of my own pain and playing the victim is totally disingenuous. By allowing myself to accept another woman's leftovers, I temporarily did damage to my self-esteem, which is normally quite high. I am now out of the R with xMM and once again in a place of self-love, presence and joy in the moment.

 

I hope my words here will help someone.

[Heart On]

So, I am the cause of my own pain and playing the victim is totally disingenuous.

 

So anyone here who believes they were played for a fool,lead on to nowhere,groomed by a possible sociopathic lovefraud or dealing with an unknown narcissist who walked away without paying a single consequence should consider themselves to blame for thier own pain and disingenuous? Alrightly then.

Edited October 18, 2011 by Heart On

[woinlove]

So anyone here who believes they were played for a fool,lead on to nowhere,groomed by a possible sociopathic lovefraud or dealing with an unknown narcissist who walked away without paying a single consequence should consider themselves to blame for thier own pain and disingenuous? Alrightly then.

 

Actually, Barrsitter said exactly the opposite. She said:

 

I'm only speaking for myself here, but I'm not a little girl. I knew what I was doing when I got involved with my xMM. I knew the risks. I knew three people would get hurt. I knew he was a MM so therefore, I knew I would not have a normal relationship. Still, I pursued the MM and allowed him to pursue me. Basically, I was such an egomaniac that I thought I could persuade my xMM to leave his wife of 28 years and drop everything in his life, for me. So, I am the cause of my own pain and playing the victim is totally disingenuous. By allowing myself to accept another woman's leftovers, I temporarily did damage to my self-esteem, which is normally quite high. I am now out of the R with xMM and once again in a place of self-love, presence and joy in the moment.

 

I hope my words here will help someone.

 

I was still a teenager when I got involved with a significantly older MM who initially said he was separated from his W, but I never felt like a victim either. Initially, I actually chose not to really question him on his marital status and, honestly, I can't say it would necessarily have made much difference had I known. I sometimes do stupid/poorly thought out/unkind things that cause me pain, in addition to any pain they cause others. Others may feel differently about their own situation.

[Heart On]

Oh come on...she insinuated that anyone in pain and "playing the victim" should just grow up and take personal responsibility.My point was that i did just that and yet he took none!That alone makes the ending feel like total betrayal and as though the suffering is one-sided.And it was I can assure you.I am only speaking for myself here.My entire life was in shambles thanks to my choice to trust a man I was lead to believe was sincere and not just a charming con artist with some serious issues.

 

But then again,my situation was different in that I was a Professionally Exploited Client of his and married at the time but completely honest with my Husband about my feelings.I also separated so as NOT to be like him.But still,I know plenty of BS and OW Survivors who were completely duped by MM.

So....I come from that perspective too.

 

So, I am the cause of my own pain and playing the victim is totally disingenuous.

 

Now...had I held HIM accountable and outted him to his wife,and informed an Ethics Committee of his sexual exploitation of me,then maybe he would have felt my pain and realized he had victimized us both with his lies and manipulations.

 

But hey,if you want to "let them off the hook" as I did by staying his dirty secret,be my guest.

 

Either way,the damage was done.I would NEVER trust a married massage therapist EVER again with my body,mind or heart.

 

Initially, I actually chose not to really question him on his marital status and, honestly, I can't say it would necessarily have made much difference had I known. I sometimes do stupid/poorly thought out/unkind things that cause me pain, in addition to any pain they cause others. Others may feel differently about their own situation.

 

So you are saying that you,as a teenager, are actually the victimizer of that poor,innocent,MARRIED older man? LMAO! Ok then.

 

Shame on your for putting him in that postion.

Edited October 18, 2011 by Heart On

[woinlove]

Oh come on...she insinuated that anyone in pain and "playing the victim" should just grow up and take personal responsibility.

I didn't see this in her post. I thought she was describing her own feelings and thoughts about herself, which happen to coincide quite a bit with my own feelings and thoughts about myself.

 

My point was that i did just that and yet he took none!That alone makes the ending feel like total betrayal and as though the suffering is one-sided.And it was I can assure you.I am only speaking for myself here.My entire life was in shambles thanks to my choice to trust a man I was lead to believe was sincere and not just a charming con artist with some serious issues.

 

But then again,my situation was different in that I was a Professionally Exploited Client of his and married at the time but completely honest with my Husband about my feelings.I also separated so as NOT to be like him.But still,I know plenty of BS and OW Survivors who were completely duped by MM.

So....I come from that perspective too.

 

 

 

Now...had I held HIM accountable and outted him to his wife,and informed an Ethics Committee of his sexual exploitation of me,then maybe he would have felt my pain and realized he had victimized us both with his lies and manipulations.

 

But hey,if you want to "let them off the hook" as I did by staying his dirty secret,be my guest.

 

Either way,the damage was done.I would NEVER trust a married massage therapist EVER again with my body,mind or heart.

 

 

 

So you are saying that you,as a teenager, are actually the victimizer of that poor,innocent,MARRIED older man? LMAO! Ok then.

 

Shame on your for putting him in that postion.

 

I don't see my taking responsibility for my choices lets anyone else off the hook. I don't see how the fact that I was a willing OW means the MM was my victim.

 

I think you and I view our own situations differently. While I don't let xMM off the hook and find his actions to be very selfish and unethical, I actually don't care about him any more and don't care whether he has accepted responsibility, suffered consequences or whatever. I care about myself and part of caring about myself, to me, is acknowledging and understanding the choices I made and the effect they had. Again, that is my experience. I don't think it is necessary that we all feel the same about this.

[Choose Life]

Well I did open myself up to the fact, he struggled like me, when we ended. He didn't just slip easily back into married life. I did believe he loved me, and couldn't deal with the highs and lows. After all he said, what we shared, I found out today he has replaced me with another O/W. All that he said, my peace about it all being for the best, just shattered. I'm so fed up of feeling like this. I'm not a bad person, my heart just took over. I have paid so much already and now this :-( Never again, I just want the ground to open and swallow me whole!

[Barrsitter]

Heart On....

 

To make myself crystal clear....when I said that I was speaking only for myself, I meant that.

 

A plain reading of "I am only speaking for myself" is obvious on its face: everything I said following that phrase related only to me.

 

My words were not an indictment of anyone else's actions. Had I wanted to make comment about other people involved with a married person, I would have said "anyone who allows themselves to be involved with a MM or MW and then complains about being hurt is playing the victim." Had I said that, you would have had justification to make the comments that you did.

[heartinlove]

Well I did open myself up to the fact, he struggled like me, when we ended. He didn't just slip easily back into married life. I did believe he loved me, and couldn't deal with the highs and lows. After all he said, what we shared, I found out today he has replaced me with another O/W. All that he said, my peace about it all being for the best, just shattered. I'm so fed up of feeling like this. I'm not a bad person, my heart just took over. I have paid so much already and now this :-( Never again, I just want the ground to open and swallow me whole!

 

Hi Choose Life. I really feel for you. Dont despair or let him steal anymore of who you are. I had a feeling that you're MM would find himself another OW. With everything you shared, it appeared he wants someone to be with during the week that is a lover but not anything too serious. My sense is with you, it starting developing into something real and he doesn't want that as he clearly wants to stay married and have a lover during the week that doesn't challenge the status quo. Sad for his wife actually.

 

I don't have a lot of compassion for these types of MM's who are serial cheaters and who hurt multiple people. Its interesting, I never advocate telling the BS, because I question the motives of the OW, but in this case I can see doing that. This guy is just using women to fill his week and pretending he is a devoted husband and dad on the weekends.

 

As for you, take care of yourself and don't let this affect your self-esteem or who you are. This is not a reflection of your worth what he is choosing. Forgive yourself for not seeing his true colors, and at the same time let it strengthen your resolve to be with someone who is good to you.

 

We all played with fire by becoming involved with an MM, but at the same time we all need to forgive ourselves and be kind to ourselves. Wishing you the best!

[Barrsitter]

Choose Life....

 

May I suggest a few things? We suffer because we want something we can't have. Or something or someone we had or wanted leaves us.

 

Wtihout making any condemning remarks about anyone here, cry about this situation for a little while and then decide to suffer no more.

 

Try meditation, yoga and self-love. Do things that bring joy to your heart. Read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Watch the video on youtube.com by Christine Breese entitled "20 Letting Go". Be kind to yourself. And when you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself or your xMM, let the thoughts float away. Condemnation, rumination and lack of forgiveness enslave us to suffering. I have found yoga and meditation to be extremely helpful. Do whatever you can to get your energy back into yourself where it belongs.

 

Be well.

[Choose Life]

Thank you heartinlove, you are spot on, he just wants someone to supplement his marriage while he is away. I was never demanding, but I think when he did fall for me, it was causing him problems emotionally, highs and lows and made him question what he did have at home, or what he didn't. I feel sorry for the new girl, but it's time to look after me. I think I'm finally there, ready to move on and show myself some love and attention. Barrsitter, thank you and will be getting back to yoga class. As a runner used to do it a lot, but the class moved, will look for a new one. I will also keep running, that really helps clear my head. Lesson learned, moving on and letting go.

[heartinlove]

Choose Life....

 

May I suggest a few things? We suffer because we want something we can't have. Or something or someone we had or wanted leaves us.

 

Wtihout making any condemning remarks about anyone here, cry about this situation for a little while and then decide to suffer no more.

 

Try meditation, yoga and self-love. Do things that bring joy to your heart. Read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Watch the video on youtube.com by Christine Breese entitled "20 Letting Go". Be kind to yourself. And when you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself or your xMM, let the thoughts float away. Condemnation, rumination and lack of forgiveness enslave us to suffering. I have found yoga and meditation to be extremely helpful. Do whatever you can to get your energy back into yourself where it belongs.

 

Be well.

 

That actually is great advice Barsitter and the way to truly move on.

[round1]

Speaking for myself: Its only been 6 weeks since my A ended. I am totally knocked out with my emotions and feelings.

For me, my A ended with him telling his W & currently my thoughts as to why I am struggling are:

1) Realising I will never know or understand what was real, a lie or the truth. That he has quite possibly played me, which hurts like hell, as I always felt he needed me more in the relationship

 

2) the fact that he has left his scars on me, and I see him and her looking happy , united front and working on their marriage. Whilst part of me accepts this, seeing it happen is painful

 

3) to lose my friend and a man I respected , loved..seeing him but not even acknowledging each other, because the hurt, the fact he chose his family, I also figure his shame for some of which he did n didn't say n do after he told her. That is loss. That is a killer. I can't even say hi.

 

4) to me, it seems like he suddendly doesn't care and that is a massive conflict from the man I knew, because the man I knew would never want me to hurt..so it's a confusing time and I figure at the moment , not being able to make sense of it all, makes it hard also.

 

And lastly, the what's if's ..we never got to learn if we would work together, be a great relationship etc..when a relationship ends, mostly you will find its because it didn't work out and you both tried but failed, for whatever reason..but at least you know, you tried and experienced.

 

This is my experience and I am actually fighting like mad to recover, but I am in truth a mess. Awaiting therapy. Sad to think it all ended in such a negative way.

But affairs are a lose lose situation.

[RickFox]

I think this holds true for many in an affair, both men and women alike. We find that person that seems to click with us like no other person has before, that they understand us like we haven't been understood before, and we grow so attached to that rush when we see them and spend time with them.

 

It hurts because we gave a part of ourselves we may not have ever given before, we let our guard down and then we get b*tch slapped and everything seems as though it's ripped from our grasp.

 

Like stated before, nothing good comes from an affair, nothing. Saying let go and doing it is harder than it appears, easier said than done, but do it a bit each day and you'll be there before you know it.... I hope.

[Choose Life]

Very well said, yes I connected to him like no other, but in hindsight he knew what he was doing, what to say, how to act. I feel used, and stupid but hey you learn. It's going to be easy letting go, I have no contact for him

at all now, as I have decided to switch gyms. He had blocked me on FB, I never e-mailed him and his mobile number was deleted months ago. He never tried to contact me, and now with a OW he never will. I can finally move on, I guess the OW has made it easier in a way!

 

 

I think this holds true for many in an affair, both men and women alike. We find that person that seems to click with us like no other person has before, that they understand us like we haven't been understood before, and we grow so attached to that rush when we see them and spend time with them.

 

It hurts because we gave a part of ourselves we may not have ever given before, we let our guard down and then we get b*tch slapped and everything seems as though it's ripped from our grasp. hope.

[Gentlegirl]

Oh guys, please stop giving MPs excuses...it is not simple, they have staff, a life's work etc etc etc...Stop giving them excuses. No one stays where they don't want to be and if they stay it is because it is easier for them (like 2sure said) than to face changes. It is ALL ABOUT THEM, ALWAYS. And it takes a lot of courage to make a life change.

 

An acquaintance of mine IRL, MM left his wife, the house and arranged shared custody to go to be with OW. He is only 32, she is 27. I mean people make choices, a choice always implies to give up on something.

 

The question why an A hurts so much has been asked before and I have always posted that the main reason is because it is a double betrayal. Not only you are thrown under the bus but on top of that they choose their spouse over you which makes it double painful.

 

Your ego takes a hard chock because you feel less worthy, you feel like you have been "tested" and at the end you weren't good enough for them to be with you. That's the most humiliating and painful feeling I have ever experienced.

 

That's why I also understand the pain of a BS. It is like the 2 sides of the same coin : painful betrayal.

 

XMWor xMM do have the power to create feelings like that. It is dreadfully himilating and painful. Never want to feel like that again and still recovering.

 

How can you just walk away when they go back to the W or H and say Ho Hum! It hurts.

GG

[Yianks]

This is YOUR definition because it is how it feels for you. But I don't think it is necessarily true. Anyone who thinks that after an affair that the MP just slides back into their married life painlessly and seamlessly is fooling themselves.

 

In fact, I would bet it is WORSE for the MP, simply because they got a taste of freedom and then had to head back to "jail" Whereas the SP (once the get their head out of their a@@) is free to move onto bigger and better things.

 

I amazes me that so many single OW/OM cannot see how they are in the better position than the MP. *shakes head*

 

The intention was to show that right after an A ends its easier for the MP due to the safety net.

 

But would certainly agree with the view that in the LONG-RUN the OW/OM is in a better position.

[SunsetRed]

Well I know that I have ruminated and suffered enough. My main rumination is that if I had been a better gf, done and said the right things, made him happy, he'd have made the choice to be with me..which he didnt.

 

That thought is making me crazy and unhealthy and I've got to let it go.

 

I am doing yoga, meditation and affirmations and I will let this go.

 

Whatever he chooses or does, it really is all about him anyway and had we been together, he'd have never been faithful to me.

 

My goal is still to come back to this board as a happily married woman and tell others how great life is when you let go of MM.

[Barrsitter]

Round 1 - all of what you said I experienced especially the bit about not knowing how good it could be. It's the never knowing what it could be that hurts.

 

I've started a new thread called "The Official First OWs Club". This is a place where we can share ideas on overcoming and celebrating who we are as people (we need to drop the title of xOW - it's a reminder of the past which doesn't exist anymore). Check it out and be part of the journey to self-love and healing!

 

Be well. Namaste.