Always being "On"

[TigerCub]

Can I ask why he always got to see you at your best? And, if you two DID end up together, why you'd feel that you'd have to be "on" all the time and not show him all of you, not just the good times and fun. I know the answer to this but I'd like to hear your reasons.

 

I kind of already addressed that, and to me it comes from the thought

 

"well his wife disappointed him, she became frumpy and boring and blah blah, and as a result he's seeking his happiness elsewhere

therefore, if we ever ended up together, I can't end up like her, so I'd have to be on"

 

I think people got the wrong message when I wrote this.

I take care of me for me, I put in effort in my looks, etc for me - it makes me feel good - so that part of me is not "fake"

 

but I also feel that xMM didn't get to see all sides of me, and that was due to my own actions/decisions.

 

Sure, he got to see some bad qualities - impatience, quick temper

but taht was pretty much it.

 

I'm not saying that I have so much hidden, I don't know how to really express myself right now, I'm just saying that I always had a feeling that if xMM and I ever ended up together, I would always feel the pressure of not disappointing him, or always needing to be my super best.

 

It's all over now, and I'm so glad that I am with someone I can be myself with, and I've always been myself in my other relationships, but because the A implies that the MM is disappointed in his wife, I think that adds more pressure on the OW (if she was thinking of becoming MM's wife one day) - but that's just my thinking based on how I felt at the time. SO I was wondering if others felt the same way.

 

It really doesn't sound like it - I think I was pretty much the only one

[TigerCub]

I think that's the big thing with affairs - that's what makes the relationship so appealing to MP's. It's not that different from dating, for that matter. It's just that affairs rarely progress beyond "dating" because of the inherent constraints.

 

In an affair, or on a date, ALL your attention is on the other person, the two of you, being together while you are together. You are "ON" whenever you are together, and you are focused on him/each other.

 

In a relationship, things like laundry, paying bills, cleaning the house, etc. have a place. When you are in a relationship, you're not just focused on getting together, having dinner, going out, having sex, bye bye til next time. In a relationship, you have to make time for all the other things in your life that you have to do in addition to, and while you are with, the other person.

 

Affairs are a series of dates. And on dates, you don't do laundry or make trips to the post office and dry cleaner. You focus on each other during the dates. So yes, you are always "on" and have little idea what things would be like if you were in each other's homes all day long, every day, week, month, year.

 

Very smart post!

Thanks for the input norajane

[SBC]

 

I'm not saying that I have so much hidden, I don't know how to really express myself right now, I'm just saying that I always had a feeling that if xMM and I ever ended up together, I would always feel the pressure of not disappointing him, or always needing to be my super best.

 

 

I totally get what you are saying. He never got to see you in your "groove" He never got to see the quintessential TigerCub. The you when you are not paying attention to you because you are too busy being you.

 

Right?

[TigerCub]

My MM hasn't seen me at my worst, which I would say is probably when I'm so frustrated and angry that I'm crying and stomping my feet. Nobody's seen that, as on those rare occasions that it happens (like every few years) I make sure I'm alone before I let fly.

 

Other than that, I'm thinking I probably look the worst when I'm in the middle of a gastrointestinal bug, sleeping on the bathroom floor. He hasn't seen that, and again, I prefer to be alone when I'm sick.

 

However, he has seen me try to present at a conference after 72 (I am not kidding) hours of no sleep, hopped on caffeine and Adderall. My face was really weird looking. I looked like I had a couple of shiners and there were these blotches on my face--patches of red interspersed with patches of white.

 

He's seen me get intellectually pissed off about something in a book. He's seen me get so mad in a meeting that I went silent and my eyes turned into little slits and then I left without saying goodbye to anyone. And he's also seen me pull out my brains and out-intellectualize a self-righteous idiot (again, this is something I rarely do because it's unkind). I'm sure that I was attractive in none of those situations.

 

But, yeah, mostly I'm "on," I guess. I've always shaved and bathed, my house isn't usually too much of a disaster when he comes over. I don't wear much makeup, but what I have on usually comes off during sex, so he's seen my bare face. He's seen my middle-aged tummy.

 

I do look forward to our dates, and so I imagine there's a sparkle in my eyes that isn't there when I'm home doing dishes or folding laundry. And no, he's never seen me in sweatpants, but I wouldn't have a problem with it if he did.

 

Interesting thread.

 

Best,

Ellie

 

I think we had the same level of "on"ness.

He saw my bad moods (sometimes that stuff can't be helped)

but he never saw anything that would fall into "gross" territory

and yeah I always put in effort when I saw him

I dunno, I just always had that thought of "don't show all sides"

 

I mentioned a dorky side earlier, and I dunno why I never let that part of me show. I totally have a sense of humor and xMM and i would laugh and joke about a lot of stuff, but there was this part of me (my dorky self) that I never showed around him.

 

I dunno, I"m just rambling, but point is, I often thought about what xmm would really think of me had he seen all of me fully - and it sounds so silly since I am pretty much an open book and I don't have dark secrets or gross / disgusting hidden surprises, I dunno, sorry for the rambling bits

[TigerCub]

I totally get what you are saying. He never got to see you in your "groove" He never got to see the quintessential TigerCub. The you when you are not paying attention to you because you are too busy being you.

 

Right?

 

YES!!

yaaay, someone articulated it better for me.

That's exactly it.

 

And the funny thing is - that's the me that my boyfriend loves. It really is the most stripped down me - the true, I don't care what anyone thinks, dorky, loving lovable weirdo.

 

Thank you for helping me with your wording

[MissBee]

Hey,

 

When I was in the A, xMM only got to see me at my best. He never got to see my dorky side, me without makeup, etc...

 

And I felt even during the A, that if one day we "end up together", I kinda thought about how I would always have to be "on" to make sure that he's happy and he's getting what he likes.

 

I'm wondering was it just me that worried about that, or if that is a thought you guys have/had too?

 

Don't get me wrong, its not like what he saw wasn't me, but he didn't get to see all "sides" of me.

 

In a different time and different place my A partner and I may have had a good relationship; we were very compatible and even today, I can take that aspect and point to it as something I want in a future relationship. I didn't feel like I was "on". I felt like he saw the good, bad, insecure, etc and accepted it as well as appreciated it. He knew the real me and was also intuitive about aspects of me that I would even try to hide...So in that sense of being myself, someone really knowing me and knowing how to communicate with me, that model was good and I would like something similar (but even more amazing) with a future partner.

 

However, the funny thing is that while he wasn't always "on" for me, in the sense of showing only the good sides, there were parts of him/his life that I wasn't privy to and was left wondering about because of the fact that it was an affair. There was a big air of mystery where I felt like while I knew him well...there were things I could never swear for him about as I simply wasn't privy to them. That was one of the many imbalances that lead to the ending of the A...as I realized that when he came to see me I could introduce him to people with nothing to hide and he would be involved in significantly way more of my life than I in his. While I'd say I was involved in a large chunk of his life and his closest friends knew me and so forth....there was still that element of a whole other relationship, dynamic and what that entailed that I was unaware of and certain "special complications" that wouldn't allow for full disclosure.

[SBC]

YES!!

yaaay, someone articulated it better for me.

That's exactly it.

 

And the funny thing is - that's the me that my boyfriend loves. It really is the most stripped down me - the true, I don't care what anyone thinks, dorky, loving lovable weirdo.

 

Thank you for helping me with your wording

 

No problem.

 

For me, personally, I never got to see the real quintessential me either. It wasn't until my MM would not give me what I wanted (a "real" relationship) and I was forced to be alone did I even get to see me be me. I was always with a guy before (in legit relationships -two marriages of each 10 years or longer) so I was always so enmeshed with someone else that I never saw me alone before.

 

And honestly, it is pretty cool! I really do like me just for being me!

 

So, this is how I am getting past my MM. Don't get me wrong, I still want him. But I know now that if I don't get him, it really is his loss. And I will be OK with or without.

[TigerCub]

In a different time and different place my A partner and I may have had a good relationship; we were very compatible and even today, I can take that aspect and point to it as something I want in a future relationship. I didn't feel like I was "on". I felt like he saw the good, bad, insecure, etc and accepted it as well as appreciated it. He knew the real me and was also intuitive about aspects of me that I would even try to hide...So in that sense of being myself, someone really knowing me and knowing how to communicate with me, that model was good and I would like something similar (but even more amazing) with a future partner.

 

However, the funny thing is that while he wasn't always "on" for me, in the sense of showing only the good sides, there were parts of him/his life that I wasn't privy to and was left wondering about because of the fact that it was an affair. There was a big air of mystery where I felt like while I knew him well...there were things I could never swear for him about as I simply wasn't privy to them. That was one of the many imbalances that lead to the ending of the A...as I realized that when he came to see me I could introduce him to people with nothing to hide and he would be involved in significantly way more of my life than I in his. While I'd say I was involved in a large chunk of his life and his closest friends knew me and so forth....there was still that element of a whole other relationship, dynamic and what that entailed that I was unaware of and certain "special complications" that wouldn't allow for full disclosure.

 

That's a very good point.

Even if a MM is being himself with the OW, it is true that in most cases, that woman can't really say that she knows everything about him either.

 

I guess that's just the dynamic of an A, we allow only certain things to show to the other.

 

Thanks MB

[TigerCub]

No problem.

 

For me, personally, I never got to see the real quintessential me either. It wasn't until my MM would not give me what I wanted (a "real" relationship) and I was forced to be alone did I even get to see me be me. I was always with a guy before (in legit relationships -two marriages of each 10 years or longer) so I was always so enmeshed with someone else that I never saw me alone before.

 

And honestly, it is pretty cool! I really do like me just for being me!

 

So, this is how I am getting past my MM. Don't get me wrong, I still want him. But I know now that if I don't get him, it really is his loss. And I will be OK with or without.

 

 

awww, I'm glad that you finally got to know you, and that you like you

[eleanor01]

However, the funny thing is that while he wasn't always "on" for me, in the sense of showing only the good sides, there were parts of him/his life that I wasn't privy to and was left wondering about because of the fact that it was an affair. There was a big air of mystery where I felt like while I knew him well...there were things I could never swear for him about as I simply wasn't privy to them. That was one of the many imbalances that lead to the ending of the A...as I realized that when he came to see me I could introduce him to people with nothing to hide and he would be involved in significantly way more of my life than I in his. While I'd say I was involved in a large chunk of his life and his closest friends knew me and so forth....there was still that element of a whole other relationship, dynamic and what that entailed that I was unaware of and certain "special complications" that wouldn't allow for full disclosure.

 

Yes! On so much of this. My MM is such a nice man, but he says that he occasionally loses his temper and he's really impatient when he's driving around. So far I haven't seen his temper and if we ever drive somewhere, I told him that I'm driving because I don't want to see him aggravated about something like that. He has gotten aggravated with me once--I was late. This is an issue that we will have to deal with at some point.

 

And, as you say, I am not privy to so much of his world. I don't know what happens when a pissy teenager gets under his skin, etc. I'd like to know that.

 

Perpetual dating, I guess.

 

Best,

Ellie

[MissBee]

Yes! On so much of this. My MM is such a nice man, but he says that he occasionally loses his temper and he's really impatient when he's driving around. So far I haven't seen his temper and if we ever drive somewhere, I told him that I'm driving because I don't want to see him aggravated about something like that. He has gotten aggravated with me once--I was late. This is an issue that we will have to deal with at some point.

 

And, as you say, I am not privy to so much of his world. I don't know what happens when a pissy teenager gets under his skin, etc. I'd like to know that.

 

Perpetual dating, I guess.

 

Best,

Ellie

 

Yeaa for me it really got to a point of stagnancy, where yes I knew him...but I realized there was a cap on how much I could know and where the relationship could go and then it produced restlessness in me. When I complained about feeling like I didn't have all of him and didn't even know about his relationship (as he NEVER spoke ill of his gf, and really didn't speak about her at all except when I asked to say that he loved her but that had nothing to do with his love for me)--he said that he won't speak about that with me, and I think I made up some figure saying I felt like I got 80% of him and he pretty much said that he gave that 80% with his all. So for him, he acknowledged and admitted that yes you don't know everything and don't have me 100% but the 80% should be good enough. It wasn't (especially since there was a double standard in which he expected all of me and where by the fact that I was single, he had no reason to feel like I was hiding anything).

 

Although I say in a different time and place we may have worked; on the other hand, there is an element of just really not knowing, as I did not have a holistic picture and the things I didn't know (and still am unaware of post-A) may very well have held some key information.

Edited October 18, 2011 by MissBee

[SoMovinOn]

I know in some affairs, the people involved are always on, always at their best. In others, it's not like that at all. It may be, in part, based on how much time the people involved are spending together. If you only ever meet somewhere for a while, then go your separate ways, it would be fairly easy to be always on. If you spend days together, overnights, it would be more difficult to maintain that always on status.

 

Affairs based only on sex would more likely be always on. Affairs based on a deeper relationship, not so much.

 

Some people get the illusion that all affairs are "always on", with no sharing or experience of "real life". In my case, and others, nothing could be further from the truth. In my case, we share double, or even triple real life. We work with each other on the problems we face at home, and there is the third life we live - hers and mine together, that we deal with. Since things in our current home lives effect our future together, they are factored in as well. Finances - hers, mine, ours together are discussed and decisions are made. When one of us is sick, we take care of each other, not our spouses, and when our spouses are sick, we take care of them. We are involved in every facet of each other lives, and our own life together. We see each other at our best and at our worst, always.

 

In our case, our relationship is the "primary relationship" and our relationships with our spouses are secondary to that.

 

I know from talking to people that mine isn't the only A like that.

Edited October 18, 2011 by SoMovinOn

[Gentlegirl]

There is certainly role playing and fantasy attached to affairs, which can mean putting on your best face and playing the part. After all it is just adults dressing up, or undressing and pretending for a while.

 

xMM never expected that and I didn't do it. If I got dressed up and put on makeup, he loved it. If I didn't he never cared.

He always used to say he would love me no matter how I looked or what I did. Maybe he did and does but it all ends up the same way.

 

He has seen me happy, tearful and hurt and angry. He remained neutral like nothing had happened which to me is quite strange. No reaction at all. I react in some way when people are emotional.

 

He had 65 years of life before I met him and I would be an idiot to think that I knew even 1% about him or his past.

 

I think the telling of pasts is very selective.

 

His wife doesn't know about 3 years of his life or hers. I think he must be the one who is "ON" all the time.

 

GG

[MissBee]

I know in some affairs, the people involved are always on, always at their best. In others, it's not like that at all. It may be, in part, based on how much time the people involved are spending together. If you only ever meet somewhere for a while, then go your separate ways, it would be fairly easy to be always on. If you spend days together, overnights, it would be more difficult to maintain that always on status.

 

Affairs based only on sex would more likely be always on. Affairs based on a deeper relationship, not so much.

 

Some people get the illusion that all affairs are "always on", with no sharing or experience of "real life". In my case, and others, nothing could be further from the truth. In my case, we share double, or even triple real life. We work with each other on the problems we face at home, and there is the third life we live - hers and mine together, that we deal with. Since things in our current home lives effect our future together, they are factored in as well. Finances - hers, mine, ours together are discussed and decisions are made. When one of us is sick, we take care of each other, not our spouses, and when our spouses are sick, we take care of them. We are involved in every facet of each other lives, and our own life together. We see each other at our best and at our worst, always.

 

In our case, our relationship is the "primary relationship" and our relationships with our spouses are secondary to that.

 

I know from talking to people that mine isn't the only A like that.

 

Maybe you have answered this before somewhere else, but I do not remember...but if you don't mind: why then are you guys still with your spouses if the A is primary and "stable", so to speak? If you are sure you both love each other and have such a great A that mimics a normal relationship...what is hindering you from cutting off these secondary people (your spouses)?

[Spark1111]

That's a very good point.

Even if a MM is being himself with the OW, it is true that in most cases, that woman can't really say that she knows everything about him either.

 

I guess that's just the dynamic of an A, we allow only certain things to show to the other.

 

Thanks MB

 

Great thread Tiger!

 

And very honest self-assessment too!

 

I think when we refer to the fantasy of an affair, this is exactly what is being referred to.

 

It is the perpetual third date; everyone on their very best behavior, well-groomed, totally focused on each other, heightened sexual tension...just perfection.

 

I think both parties suppress their warts and wrinkles, not just the OW/OM. The MAP does too!

 

Like the very wise 2sure once wrote: I'll be whoever you want/need me to be.

[Silly_Girl]

Great thread Tiger!

 

And very honest self-assessment too!

 

I think when we refer to the fantasy of an affair, this is exactly what is being referred to.

 

It is the perpetual third date; everyone on their very best behavior, well-groomed, totally focused on each other, heightened sexual tension...just perfection.

 

I think both parties suppress their warts and wrinkles, not just the OW/OM. The MAP does too!

 

Like the very wise 2sure once wrote: I'll be whoever you want/need me to be.

 

I can see how a work-based affair could be like that, but where there's any 'real life' time spent together, I don't think it could be sustainable. Maybe because my R started as an accidental friendship that grew in to love I didn't have that type of investment. I didn't want/need him in my life, nothing to prove, nothing to achieve. Just me being me. If anything my boyfriend would point out the worst parts of himself, and take blame for things in his work life, marriage, life that maybe he didn't need to. Also, it was conducted over distance so could never be based on sex only.

 

Interesting how very different all these situations can be. Lots of posters seem to think an affair is an affair is an affair. I don't agree and wouldn't say that about a marriage, or friendship for example.

[TigerCub]

Great thread Tiger!

 

And very honest self-assessment too!

 

I think when we refer to the fantasy of an affair, this is exactly what is being referred to.

 

It is the perpetual third date; everyone on their very best behavior, well-groomed, totally focused on each other, heightened sexual tension...just perfection.

 

I think both parties suppress their warts and wrinkles, not just the OW/OM. The MAP does too!

 

Like the very wise 2sure once wrote: I'll be whoever you want/need me to be.

 

Thanks Spark

 

What you said is very true.

I just ask myself why I kept certain parts of me unknown to him.

They weren't bad. Although I was at my best most of the time with him, he still saw impatient Tiger, he was pissed off / short fuse Tiger, but there were parts of me - maybe that I think are more "innocent" or "core" and I never let him see that. I find that really weird, even now.

 

I understand that we all have many many different sides. For me, I have 2 "main" personas in a way.

I'm the dorky, giggly all the time, weirdo that makes up words and finds the dumbest things amusing.

 

But I'm also the lingerie sporting, highly sexed, pole dancing party girl.

 

And its stupid (looking at it now) that the 2nd "Me" is who he knew. I kept the best most authentic "me" a secret from him, probably because I thought that he would only be interested in the latter persona because it was an affair situation, and the first persona shows that I am human, and have flaws - but instead I think I wanted him to see the "sexy" me - because I thought that he's cheating on his gf because she isn't that, so that's what I should be ALL the TIME!!

 

hmmm, I'm just thinking about it all as I type.

 

oh and for the record, I've never danced for a guy except my current bf, even xMM didn't get that - I dunno, that fact means a lot to me.

 

I'm glad that I am now in an R where I'm not worried about being on, and therefore my bf does know all my quirks and all my "persona"s and its a much easier, happier and more fulfilling R because of that.

 

Anywhos, thanks for you take on this Spark - always appreciated

 

ETA: Don't mean to give the wrong impression. With xMM I wasn't just a "sexual" person (we didn't even really have sex). We did talk about things, and we'd have meaningful conversations and discussions about life, anything really - but I always tried to project the "sexy" me and never let him see other sides of me.

 

Just wanted to clear that up

Edited October 18, 2011 by TigerCub

[Spark1111]

Thanks Spark

 

What you said is very true.

I just ask myself why I kept certain parts of me unknown to him.

They weren't bad. Although I was at my best most of the time with him, he still saw impatient Tiger, he was pissed off / short fuse Tiger, but there were parts of me - maybe that I think are more "innocent" or "core" and I never let him see that. I find that really weird, even now.

 

I understand that we all have many many different sides. For me, I have 2 "main" personas in a way.

I'm the dorky, giggly all the time, weirdo that makes up words and finds the dumbest things amusing.

 

But I'm also the lingerie sporting, highly sexed, pole dancing party girl.

 

And its stupid (looking at it now) that the 2nd "Me" is who he knew. I kept the best most authentic "me" a secret from him, probably because I thought that he would only be interested in the latter persona because it was an affair situation, and the first persona shows that I am human, and have flaws - but instead I think I wanted him to see the "sexy" me - because I thought that he's cheating on his gf because she isn't that, so that's what I should be ALL the TIME!!

 

hmmm, I'm just thinking about it all as I type.

 

oh and for the record, I've never danced for a guy except my current bf, even xMM didn't get that - I dunno, that fact means a lot to me.

 

I'm glad that I am now in an R where I'm not worried about being on, and therefore my bf does know all my quirks and all my "persona"s and its a much easier, happier and more fulfilling R because of that.

 

Anywhos, thanks for you take on this Spark - always appreciated

 

Well then, who was he to you? Can you identify that yet?

 

Of course, personna #2 DESIRED him, and desiring a man sexually is a huge ego and confidence booster to him.

 

So he gave you what you needed to get what he needed. It's called projection, which is what makes an affair aftermath so confusing, in that "Was it real, or was it Memorex?" KWIM.

 

What did he give you? When you can identify it, and give it to yourself, it will be so empowering and will bring a stronger you to your new and authentic relationship.

 

Attention? Admiration? Validation? Any idea?

[2sure]

What did he give you? When you can identify it, and give it to yourself, it will be so empowering and will bring a stronger you to your new and authentic relationship.

 

Attention? Admiration? Validation? Any idea?

 

Wow. Thats it you know. When I was OW I was done with it the day I realized that I was able to be the woman MM thought I was. I mean, they thought I was perfect, beautiful, clever, intelligent and accomplished. Took me awhile to realize they were absolutely right and not long after that thought came: So, whatdoIneedyoufor?

[TigerCub]

Well then, who was he to you? Can you identify that yet?

 

Of course, personna #2 DESIRED him, and desiring a man sexually is a huge ego and confidence booster to him.

 

So he gave you what you needed to get what he needed. It's called projection, which is what makes an affair aftermath so confusing, in that "Was it real, or was it Memorex?" KWIM.

 

What did he give you? When you can identify it, and give it to yourself, it will be so empowering and will bring a stronger you to your new and authentic relationship.

Attention? Admiration? Validation? Any idea?

 

I don't think it was just attention and admiration/validation. I got attention and admiration from plenty of other people.

 

Along the A, I realized that my "daddy issues" came up and it was the whole dynamic of trying to "win" someone that was choosing to love another person over me (it all goes back to my childhood) - but anyways, I've talked about that before, and I don't mean to give the impression that any OW has daddy issues or whatever, I just know that I had some unresolved pain/feelings of rejection that stem from my childhood and my relationship to my dad, and that was something that really came out in the A.

 

I've since gone to therapy, I've made my peace with all that, I've moved on. I don't need anyone's approval - I love me, I'm f'n awesome! (and I'm not saying that in an egotistical way) - but honestly, I've learned that it really doesn't matter who loves me and who they love more, I need to be happy with me - and I am.

[TigerCub]

 

Wow. Thats it you know. When I was OW I was done with it the day I realized that I was able to be the woman MM thought I was. I mean, they thought I was perfect, beautiful, clever, intelligent and accomplished. Took me awhile to realize they were absolutely right and not long after that thought came: So, whatdoIneedyoufor?

 

That is it 2Sure. But at the same time, I never felt like xMM gave me anything - even if he did with his admiration. I think xMM was just filling a role (a role that I played over and over trying to relive or maybe even "right the wrongs" of my past) - well I guess then he did give me something - he gave me that.

 

But I'm past all that now, and I don't need that anymore

so yeah, its definitely a whatdoIneedyoufor thing for sure now

 

Thanks 2Sure

[JaneyAmazed]

I have always been obsessive over my looks...not in a conceeded way, but I love makeup and doing my hair, etc. My H rarely sees me without makeup. lol! It's just that I feel better when I look better. My xOM never saw me without makeup. Even at the gym, I wore makeup. Anyway, aside from appearance, I have to say that my xOM and my H like(d) and accept(ed) my dorky side. My H is the only person in my life though, that I can and have been totally myself around. He has been with me through the happiest times in my life and rock bottom. I never felt like I could totally be myself with xOM. If I got emotional around him, he treated me differently. The A was destroying me, and he didn't think it was that big of a deal. He couldn't relate to my pain. My H has always comforted me when I get emotional and makes me feel unconditionally loved. Even when he doesn't understand my tears, he reaches out and just holds me. He comforts me like no one else can. He sees my pain and doesn't try to make sense of it. He just hurts with me. I hurt with him as well.

[TigerCub]

I have always been obsessive over my looks...not in a conceeded way, but I love makeup and doing my hair, etc. My H rarely sees me without makeup. lol! It's just that I feel better when I look better. My xOM never saw me without makeup. Even at the gym, I wore makeup. Anyway, aside from appearance, I have to say that my xOM and my H like(d) and accept(ed) my dorky side. My H is the only person in my life though, that I can and have been totally myself around. He has been with me through the happiest times in my life and rock bottom. I never felt like I could totally be myself with xOM. If I got emotional around him, he treated me differently. The A was destroying me, and he didn't think it was that big of a deal. He couldn't relate to my pain. My H has always comforted me when I get emotional and makes me feel unconditionally loved. Even when he doesn't understand my tears, he reaches out and just holds me. He comforts me like no one else can. He sees my pain and doesn't try to make sense of it. He just hurts with me. I hurt with him as well.

 

I'm glad that your H is compassionate and is there for you, but that line in bold is something that I never really liked.

 

My bf was one of those guys (it was more apparent in Round1), I love that he cares so much and I care so much about him.

but at times when I would be sad and he'd hurt with me - it always made me feel worse, because I needed him to lean on, I didn't want to worry about someone else being sad when I'm sad. And that they were sad BECAUSE I was sad - it just made it worse. It made me feel like I couldn't go to him, because it would make him sad.

He's not like that anymore - but yeah, sorry that was kinda off topic.

 

I don't know if that makes sense. Maybe that's not even what you meant when you said that he hurts with you.

Edited October 18, 2011 by TigerCub

[Spark1111]

 

Wow. Thats it you know. When I was OW I was done with it the day I realized that I was able to be the woman MM thought I was. I mean, they thought I was perfect, beautiful, clever, intelligent and accomplished. Took me awhile to realize they were absolutely right and not long after that thought came: So, whatdoIneedyoufor?

 

This is brilliant and I am now forever coining a new acronym in cyberspace that will forever be known as SWDINU4?

 

Thanks to 2sure!

[Spark1111]

I don't think it was just attention and admiration/validation. I got attention and admiration from plenty of other people.

 

Along the A, I realized that my "daddy issues" came up and it was the whole dynamic of trying to "win" someone that was choosing to love another person over me (it all goes back to my childhood) - but anyways, I've talked about that before, and I don't mean to give the impression that any OW has daddy issues or whatever, I just know that I had some unresolved pain/feelings of rejection that stem from my childhood and my relationship to my dad, and that was something that really came out in the A.

 

I've since gone to therapy, I've made my peace with all that, I've moved on. I don't need anyone's approval - I love me, I'm f'n awesome! (and I'm not saying that in an egotistical way) - but honestly, I've learned that it really doesn't matter who loves me and who they love more, I need to be happy with me - and I am.

 

They call that your attachment style and IT IS learned in childhood!

 

Be proud of all the progress you have made. So many do not get that far and keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.

 

Maybe your daddy was neglectful? Inattentive? I'm sorry if I am unaware of your other posts.

 

Maybe you felt the way to win daddy's love was to be "perfect?" Many women feel that way. Maybe you were complimented on your looks, not your personality?

 

Many a "good" father back in the day believed their role as a parent to a daughter was to ensure she made the best marriage possible. They, generationally, were overly concerned with our looks, not our character. Wrong, wrong, wrong as it plants insecurity, not confidence.

 

We have learned oh, so much about parenting in the last 20 years especially.

 

We've come a long way baby, and so have you!