mrw Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 I have been with my boyfriend for over five years now. We moved in together last summer. I am ready to get married and start having children within the next couple years. The thought of growing old with my boyfriend excites me! However, when I bring up the marriage issue with him he gets annoyed with the subject and says he is not ready and doesn't want to rush things. I don't understand how two people can be together for this long and one of them still isn't sure how they feel about the other. I don't know if he will ever be ready...how long is too long to wait on someone you love? IF ANYONE HAS ANY ADVICE PLEASE SHARE. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted May 18, 2004 Moderators Share Posted May 18, 2004 Mrw, The problem is, that's a very individual thing. Five years does appear to be a long jaunt as a loving couple to still have questions but...well...I guess it is possible. The real issue here, though, is more basic... [color=red]How long are you WILLING to wait?[/color] Bear in mind, he MAY be one of those people who will NEVER be ready...a so-called committment-phobe. That's not saying he is...he may just be hesitant for some reason...but...? Anyways, what's the magic number for you as a woman? Oh...and what are both your ages by the way? Curt Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrw Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 Curt We are both 27. I just feel so hopeless about the situation. I don't want to leave him because I am in love with him and keep praying that eventually he will propose. I don't know how much longer I should put myself through this. Link to post Share on other sites
PUHLEEEEZE... Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 I think your first mistake was to shack up with this guy. Why buy the cow, as they say - I know that sounds old-fashioned, but there is a lot of wisdom to it. We women think we've "come a long way baby", but when men are looking for a WIFE, they have a whole 'nother set of rules (whether they are conscious of them or not). I would begin making arrangements to find a place of your own. Explain to your bf that you understand if he is not ready for committment, but then that means you cannot continue to live with him - that marrigage and family mean more than that to you. What happens next will tell you if you have a MAN who is ready to spend the rest of his life making babies with you. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 I wouldn't advise living together while HOPING for a commitment to marry. If I did anyway, I would make it 1 YEAR maximum. Any more time than that is ridiculous. The "cow" comment - well, yes, many men do "think" or fail to think in that way. But when they see the cow heading off to new pastures with the possibility of new and more appealing bulls, they may wake up. I think you've already trained him to think he can keep you going on promises and more promises, and your words won't mean much to him, so use your actions. Make arrangements to find a new pasture and let him know he is welcome to visit you there, IF he is coming to say the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrw Posted May 19, 2004 Author Share Posted May 19, 2004 I am beginning to feel that moving on is the best thing for me to do. I was so thrilled when my boyfriend and I had moved in together. I thought it was a good idea to live with him before we got married to see if we were really compatible. Now, I realize that moving in together didn't get me any further ahead. He doesn't see the point in the two of us getting married because "it won't change our relationship, it is just a piece of paper." Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 Or he's worried about that sneaky 50% divorce rate and losing everything. Link to post Share on other sites
PUHLEEEEZE... Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 About being "afraid" of the 50% divorce rate: If, after 5 years, this clown hasn't figured whether or not this girl is for real, he's never going to. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 Originally posted by PUHLEEEEZE... About being "afraid" of the 50% divorce rate: If, after 5 years, this clown hasn't figured whether or not this girl is for real, he's never going to. Oh probably not but he could still be thinking it. Personally, I don't think I could stay with a woman for 5 years if I didn't truly want to marry her. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 I dont mean to be negative, but maybe there's more to it, ya know? Maybe he's got something going on inside of him. Maybe he's gay, maybe he's attracted to other people? Maybe his mom has been married 8 times and he's scared to death of the concept. YOU NEVER KNOW! Why not ask him? What's the worst that could happen? You find out that he's been sleeping with your cousin Earl? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 I think you've been waiting long enough. At 27 years old you are certainly old enough to know what you want & old enough to start planning for a family. from PUHLEEEZE Explain to your bf that you understand if he is not ready for committment, but then that means you cannot continue to live with him - that marrigage and family mean more than that to you. What happens next will tell you if you have a MAN who is ready to spend the rest of his life making babies with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrw Posted May 21, 2004 Author Share Posted May 21, 2004 Ally Boo, You don't mean to be negative? I understand that you were just trying to make a point but those comments were ridiculous! Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 I guess they WOULD seem rediculous to someone who has been with just ONE person in the past 5 years. Date around enough, and be engaged to a few guys, or even get out in the real world for a few months and THEN try to tell me those ideas are rediculous. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 My husband's father and his second wife were "engaged" for 14 years before they finally married. My own brother and my beloved, late sister-in-law, lived together for 20 years and finally my mother convinced them they should get married and they did. Linda wanted it all along, but she was willing to stay with my brother without that piece of paper. They were together nearly 25 years before Linda passed away. If it's just a piece of paper to him, then tell him fine---all you are asking for is a piece of paper then--its not like paper is expensive! LOL My husband and I were together for two years before getting married and when we moved in with each other it was with the understanding that we would get married within a few months of moving in together, which we did. Had you two talked about marriage before you moved in? Did you set any limits or boundaries? You need to do that. If he loves you he will discuss this with you and work out some agreements and boundaries. ----- Allyboo: Cousin EARL!?! I read that and the Dixie Chicks song ran thru my head---Good-bye Earl, Earl had to die! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Paradise Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 You need to have a time table. He has no intention to marry you if he has future plans to talk about. I'm not ready....don't want ro rush things you should read between that lines. Link to post Share on other sites
rebelbichoice Posted May 23, 2004 Share Posted May 23, 2004 The question is...Is exactly that..How long are you willing to wait?! If you have been with this person for five years then he's obviously had enough time with you to know wether or not he's ready to take that step. Sounds to me from his reaction that maybe perhaps he's not ready to take that step. Some men are never ready for marriage (nothing wrong with that but he needs to share that with you)..and that's something that you have to decide if your willing to continue on. The fact that he gets irritated with the topic of conversation tells me that there's more underlying issues here..He needs to be honest with you about why it is that he's not ready if he can't be rational with you about this..then that should tell you something. It's already been 5 years...I've personally known someone who was in the same situation..and only 10 years into the relationship of dating..the guy dropped the g/f and turned right around and married her best friend. Just think of all that time and heartache wasted. Good luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted May 23, 2004 Share Posted May 23, 2004 I am ready to get married and start having children within the next couple years. The thought of growing old with my boyfriend excites me! AHHH.....to be 27 and in love. MRW, I envy you in so many ways. One of them is having a SO that is being honest with you. Listen to him. He's not the one now, and he won't be the one in the future, so move on. You've lots of time left to shop around. Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted May 23, 2004 Share Posted May 23, 2004 I disagree, Sampson, he could be the one and just not thrilled about the marriage part. Marriage changes things and some people are afraid of the change. Five years is a commitment. Moving in together was a commitment. He is obviously able to commit. Drop the "paper" and you have a man who can make a commitment. Is he willing to have children without marriage? Are you? Talk about this with him. If what you really want is children, skip the paper and discuss children. You have obviously hit a temporary road block with the marriage. IF you run into a road block regarding children, then I would consider moving on. You don't want to have children with someone who doesn't want them. Not that he has to be jumping for joy saying "let's make babies!!" but he should at least be able to discuss it and be willing to do this for you as it is obviously important to you to start a family. (my friend isn't a kids-person but his wife wanted children, now he has four and adores them...but in the beginning it was "for her" because she wanted kids.) Some people really are afraid of the paper. I have friends that are not married but absolutely adore each other and have wonderful families, I didn't even know they weren't married. They've been together for years and that's what matters to them. They don't have the paper but they have their commitment to each other. I'm currently with someone who has said straight-out he does not want to get married. I can accept this or walk away. But for me to then move in with him years later, and start pushing it, would be complete disrespect for what he has already made clear. For me to hang in there for even a year and THEN start pushing it because I was hoping all that time he'd change his mind would be disrespectful and unfair to him when he's made it clear how he feels about marriage. Are you sure you didn't get any messages early on and just kept hoping he would change his mind? That's not fair to him or yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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