How does one suppress their feelings for someone?

[Anon 1]

Hello everyone. What are some effective ways to suppress your feelings for a friend? There are many reasons why my friend and I won't work as a couple but a million reasons why we make great friends. I'm hoping all you wise people out there can offer me some suggestions on how I can stay friends without my feelings continuing to develop (they've already gone further than I'd like.) Thanks in advance.

[Curt]

OK...

 

I'm compelled enough by your post that I have to ask the following questions:

 

A. What are the reasons why you are incompatible? Are these serious issues of incongruence or mere "individualities" that will always exist between two ppl, romantic or otherwise. Why would it just not "gel" between you both.

 

B. What are the things about him that make you care for him so much as a friend (and arguably, potentially as a lover, as you've already said you're developing feelings for him - these feelings don't usually come out of nothing, agreed?)

 

C. Has he given any true indication that he sees you as more than a friend...or is he "friends only" mode, plain and simple.

 

Often, pride/fear of rejection gets both people into a place where they can't feel as open to each other as what they should like to in exploring their feelings for each other.

 

Elaborate on the whole situation. Give us some data to work with

 

Curt

[Anon 1]

Originally posted by Curt

OK...

 

I'm compelled enough by your post that I have to ask the following questions:

 

A. What are the reasons why you are incompatible? Are these serious issues of incongruence or mere "individualities" that will always exist between two ppl, romantic or otherwise. Why would it just not "gel" between you both.

 

B. What are the things about him that make you care for him so much as a friend (and arguably, potentially as a lover, as you've already said you're developing feelings for him - these feelings don't usually come out of nothing, agreed?)

 

C. Has he given any true indication that he sees you as more than a friend...or is he "friends only" mode, plain and simple.

 

Often, pride/fear of rejection gets both people into a place where they can't feel as open to each other as what they should like to in exploring their feelings for each other.

 

Elaborate on the whole situation. Give us some data to work with

 

Curt

 

First off, I'm a guy and my friend is a girl. I guess it makes no real difference but I thought I'd clear it up.

 

A. We'd be incompatible because of individualities that matter in a relationship but don't matter in a friendship. For example, in a relationship, she's the kind to hold grudges and never forget all the mistakes you've made. I wouldn't like that one bit cause I'm all about forgiving in relationships. She says she gets bitchy when she gets PMS which I'm sure comes out during a relationship but I'll never have to deal with as her friend. There's more but you get the point.

 

B. Why do I care so much about her as a friend? Our personalities really click and she's one of the few people that truly understands me and is non-judgmental of me (I'm not a criminal or anything--it's just I find it annoying when people judge me on any level.) We make each other laugh whereas my humor is seen as offensive by a good number of women (guys seem to get my humor.) I think the feelings came up cause I find her physically attractive as well. I didn't have feelings for her in the beginning even though I found her attractive cause it takes more than that for me.

 

C. I think she might have some feelings for me as well. No action or conversation in particular but maybe a look or body language. I'm pretty good at reading this stuff. She's has a not-too serious boyfriend though so I guess that falls into the "why we can't get together" category. That's the main reason why I need to supress these feelings. Got any ideas?

[magda]

I'm assuming one or both of you are unavailable?

 

What you do is actively take care not to get in "intimate" conversations/situations. If you start thinking about him/her too much, take a vacation in some way. Either from where she hangs out or from the kinds of things you and your friends do together.

 

Lastly, admit to yourself that you love her as a person. Don't try and hide it at all. That's where you start tricking yourself. There is nothing wrong with it at all. So she's a great girl, so what. There are millions and billions of people in the world and it's perfectly ordinary that you get on well with some of them. Just not all of them are for you.

[Anon 1]

Originally posted by magda

I'm assuming one or both of you are unavailable?

 

What you do is actively take care not to get in "intimate" conversations/situations. If you start thinking about him/her too much, take a vacation in some way. Either from where she hangs out or from the kinds of things you and your friends do together.

 

Lastly, admit to yourself that you love her as a person. Don't try and hide it at all. That's where you start tricking yourself. There is nothing wrong with it at all. So she's a great girl, so what. There are millions and billions of people in the world and it's perfectly ordinary that you get on well with some of them. Just not all of them are for you.

 

You're good. I didn't even mention the unavailable part but you knew.

 

The thing is, I can get along with lots of people on a superficial level but very few on any level beyond that. I think if I got along with at least a couple people on that level, it'd be easy to take that "millions and billions" attitude. The fact of that matter is (this is not said for effect or an exaggeration), I could go 10 or 20 years without running into someone else that I can relate to this way. Otherwise, I think your change in mentality technique would work great!

 

But aren't intimate conversations and situations what close friendships are all about? It seems like I'd be losing my friendship in order to lose the feelings. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. I'd rather keep acting like there aren't any feelings (I'm a good actor--I think I should join the CIA or something.) Thanks for your advice.

[magda]

Originally posted by Anon 1

You're good. I didn't even mention the unavailable part but you knew.

 

The thing is, I can get along with lots of people on a superficial level but very few on any level beyond that. I think if I got along with at least a couple people on that level, it'd be easy to take that "millions and billions" attitude. The fact of that matter is (this is not said for effect or an exaggeration), I could go 10 or 20 years without running into someone else that I can relate to this way. Otherwise, I think your change in mentality technique would work great!

 

But aren't intimate conversations and situations what close friendships are all about? It seems like I'd be losing my friendship in order to lose the feelings. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. I'd rather keep acting like there aren't any feelings (I'm a good actor--I think I should join the CIA or something.) Thanks for your advice.

 

Take it as your cue that you haven't been exposing yourself to the right types of people. (Cute girls? that are SINGLE.) Anybody who you can have good conversations with. Maybe you should be trying new stuff. Opening up more.

 

Sure, friends have intimate conversations. I'm talking about the kind of intimate conversations you know you shouldn't be having. Like after evenings when you were at the same place and both of you happened to look at each other constantly, not only when talking but sharing reactions... 'Cause if that's what you're doing, it's called the mating dance - make no mistake. Whatever you're doing, you're know when you're play-acting that your characters are flirting. If her latest relationship is going to be short-lived, wouldn't it be best to happen on it's own time. Sounds like you're interested in dating and getting a closer relationship with someone, so date! Que sera sera. Sure there's someone you can laugh with who doesn't have PMS problems, or whatever.

 

In most every great role an actor has supporting actors, you know. I take it you're aware there's only so long you can act without anything else happening before somebody has an opinion. Good luck.

[Bobbie]

<I find it annoying when people judge me on any level><I could go 10 or 20 years without running into someone else that I can relate to this way><my humor is seen as offensive by a good number of women ><I can get along with lots of people on a superficial level but very few on any level beyond that>

 

there are a lot of issues here where you already seem to have ring-fenced your world and perceptions of yourself with lots of assumptions.

 

I don't know how old you are, but unless you're about ninety and have done about everything there is to do and met literally thousands of people, it sounds to me like these are self-limiting beliefs.

 

We set these up for ourselves to avoid getting hurt- but as you've found the downside is we can't get close to anyone either.

 

That's when we start playing games, such as flirting with friends whilst telling ourselves it can't go any further.

 

There's some good info on

http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/bel4.htm

 

A relationship is when both people like each other enough to work it out, because issues like pms happen to everyone.

[Anon 1]

Originally posted by Bobbie

 

there are a lot of issues here where you already seem to have ring-fenced your world and perceptions of yourself with lots of assumptions.

 

I don't know how old you are, but unless you're about ninety and have done about everything there is to do and met literally thousands of people, it sounds to me like these are self-limiting beliefs.

 

We set these up for ourselves to avoid getting hurt- but as you've found the downside is we can't get close to anyone either.

 

That's when we start playing games, such as flirting with friends whilst telling ourselves it can't go any further.

 

There's some good info on

http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/bel4.htm

 

A relationship is when both people like each other enough to work it out, because issues like pms happen to everyone.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm pretty young (early 20's). I don't believe my beliefs are actually self-limiting but more realistic. I'm happy with who I am and don't feel a need to change. I know there are people out there (though rare, like my friend) who can appreciate me for who I am without my having to change myself to be more appealing to more people. I really have no fear of getting hurt in a relationship or otherwise as well.

 

I'm not really playing any games with my friend. I think the feelings are kind of a complication but that's why I'm trying to deal with them. I really don't think changing myself and trying to get closer to other people is the solution here--that wouldn't make my friend any less appealing. What I need to do is to somehow suppress my feelings so they don't get in the way of our friendship. I'm not sure if I'm keen on the idea of intentionally trying to get closer to other people to try to forget about my friend. I think there must be a better solution.

[naughty]

Trying to suppress your feelings is like trying to control what you dream about. Trust me, I've tried to do it myself. I'm currently dealing with a similar situation. I'm attracted to one of my friends, and I'm pretty sure that the attraction is mutual. But, like in your situation, there are some issues that would make it virtually impossible for us to hook up...mainly age difference and the fact that one of us will be moving soon anyway. I've found that it is true, in most cases, that one of the easiest ways to get over someone is to focus your attention on someone else. That's not to say that you'll be any less attracted to your friend, but at least you aren't emotionally wrapped up in one person who you can't even be with.

[Anon 1]

I think you're right naughty. I need to do something (e.g. find another interest) cause it's getting worse.

 

Just last night, I had a dream - my friend was in it of course. She looked different but it was her. I forgot what we were doing (I think we were in class) but she came up to me and started kissing me slowly. I was confused because in my dream, she didn't have a BF but I didn't realize I was dreaming so I thought she had one. I remember I could feel the heat of her lips. That's the last thing I remember and then I woke up.

 

It was a convincing dream and for a while, I wasn't sure if it was real or not. Then I realized I was in bed so it had to be a dream.

[moimeme]

What I need to do is to somehow suppress my feelings so they don't get in the way of our friendship.

 

I think you're already figuring this out, but I'll say it anyway - your plan will never work. Feelings don't respond all that well to rationality. Your best bet is to stay out of harm's way, meaning her, unfortunately. If she weren't taken, then of course you should go for it but it sounds like it's a permanent situation.

 

I agree, however, that you'll never find a perfect human. What you find is a person who's so great most of the time that it's worth it to deal with the less-than-perfect situations.

[Anon 1]

Originally posted by moimeme

What I need to do is to somehow suppress my feelings so they don't get in the way of our friendship.

 

I think you're already figuring this out, but I'll say it anyway - your plan will never work. Feelings don't respond all that well to rationality. Your best bet is to stay out of harm's way, meaning her, unfortunately. If she weren't taken, then of course you should go for it but it sounds like it's a permanent situation.

 

I agree, however, that you'll never find a perfect human. What you find is a person who's so great most of the time that it's worth it to deal with the less-than-perfect situations.

 

The problem is, avoiding her and consequently ending the friendship would be much worse than just keeping my feelings under wraps (which I've been able to do without a hitch so far.) I'd give her current relationship about 50/50 to last the next 6 months. Even if she were to become single, I'm still not sure I'd start anything. Like I said, our friendship is highly valuable to me and I'd be hesitant to risk damaging the friendship if we get together and thinks didn''t work out. Thanks for your opinion--you're right in that feelings don't respond well to rationality.

 

So far then, the best advice seems to be for me to date around a bit to take my mind off my friend. Anyone else have any ideas?

[noidea]

Wow, I know exactly how you feel, but I have yet to find a solution. I definitely want to keep my friendship with someone, but my feelings are getting in the way. I'm trying to figure out whether I should avoid him (basically downgrading or damaging the friendship by doing so), or continuing "as-is" and continue acting. What prevents us from being together is mainly distance, but there's a chance he will be moving in another year, so I don't know if I should bank on there being a chance of the distance no longer being an issue if I confess my feelings? Or if I should just resolve that it can't work out and find a way to get over him...somehow.

 

If you do get any answers outside of the forum, would you mind posting them so I could read them too? In the meantime, hopefully someone will have some solution. Its really just a shame that because you have feelings for someone, you have to chuck what is a really great friendship (or at least downgrade the friendship) in order to get beyond it.

[Anon 1]

Originally posted by noidea

Wow, I know exactly how you feel, but I have yet to find a solution. I definitely want to keep my friendship with someone, but my feelings are getting in the way. I'm trying to figure out whether I should avoid him (basically downgrading or damaging the friendship by doing so), or continuing "as-is" and continue acting. What prevents us from being together is mainly distance, but there's a chance he will be moving in another year, so I don't know if I should bank on there being a chance of the distance no longer being an issue if I confess my feelings? Or if I should just resolve that it can't work out and find a way to get over him...somehow.

 

If you do get any answers outside of the forum, would you mind posting them so I could read them too? In the meantime, hopefully someone will have some solution. Its really just a shame that because you have feelings for someone, you have to chuck what is a really great friendship (or at least downgrade the friendship) in order to get beyond it.

 

Although it sucks that you're stuck in the same boat I am, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one facing this dilemma.

 

I think your prospects look brighter than mine in the sense that your friend is far away now and might be moving closer soon. Mine is close now but will be moving away (at least for a few years) over the summer. You've got some hope so cheer up! I think avoiding and downgrading our respective friendships make no sense whatsoever. I think a good friendship with a complication is much better than a shallower one without complications. In fact, I have no use for shallow friendships.

 

I haven't received any real solution yet (besides trying to date others as a distraction) but one conclusion I've come to is that letting things happen naturally might be the best thing to do. For example, in your situation, I think it'd be best to just not say anything and wait to see what happens with your friend moving closer to you. In my situation, since I know she'll be going away soon, I should just keep going like I have been and see if we end up living close together again in the future (there's a good chance of this.) It sucks to have to act like you don't have feelings for the person (I've often dreamed about revealing them) but realizing that I'm doing it to protect our friendship makes it a little easier.

 

About having to risk great friendships to pursue something more, I guess there are often many obstacles and risks in the way of true happiness. Perhaps that's what makes it so cool when it works out. I'll keep you posted on any new solutions or perspectives if you do the same. Good luck.

[naughty]

There seem to be several of us here dealing with similar situations. I hate to say it, but I really don't think there is a cure-all solution out there that can solve our problems. Not trying to be negative or give off a bad vibe, just speaking from experience and trying to be realistic. However, I agree with Anon1 that it is comforting to hear from other people going through the same emotionally-agonizing feelings.

 

I know, at least in my situation, it's sort of like a double-edged sword. Being around my friend always puts me in a good mood. He just has this way of making me smile and brightening my day, and I actually feel like something is missing if I don't get to see him. On the other hand, being around him hurts too because I know that I have to maintain a certain distance. What really sucks is when we have one of those moments when we're just looking into each other's eyes and there's that awkward, uncomfortable silence like we both want to make a move, but know that we can't.

[sarah12]

I know exactly how all of you feel!!

 

I just went through this with a friend. We actually had dated for a couple of months, but ended things because of his ex-girlfriend who wasn't completely over him yet and he hadn't finished dealing with her. We were so attracted to each other though - he knew that without the ex situation, we would never have seen things end. Anyways, we didn't talk for a few months b/c he moved away and I wanted to get over him. Next thing I know, he's back here and dating the ex again. They're on/off all the time though, and in the beginning, him and I had a hard time b/c we wanted to be friends but the ex wouldn't let us and it really hurt all of us. I'd hang out with him and have a great time, but then I'd knock myself back to the reality that he's taken. Naughty - I know what you mean by those awkward, uncomfortable silences where you both know what the other is thinking, but you can't bring yourself to making a move or talking about it.

 

A solution? I've since distanced myself from him because that is the ONLY way you can move on. So long as this person is in your life, you CANNOT get over them or suppress your feelings for them. I KNOW it is hard to let them go, to end the friendship, because you feel that you will never have that again with anyone else. BUT you have to let them go..force yourself..and you know what? I am a lot happier not having to think about that guy or the situation, because in my mind, there is no possibility of anything happening with us. He's taken and his girlfriend should be the most important girl in his life, not me.

 

I also don't believe there are 'millions and bilions' of people out there for me, but I'm not going to give up until I find them again. I have new found hope today because last night I had an amazing conversation with someone where it felt like how I felt with the guy mentioned above. We'll see where things go, but believe me, just when you think there's no other way, or no other person out there for you, there is...

 

Good luck