Can't Get Over Hating Attractive People

[verhrzn]

For the last time---YOU ARE NOT UGLY. Your problem is in your mind, not your body. The way you fix this is to seek out a qualified therapist who can help you view things more positively. Ideally, find one that specializes in body dysmorphic disorder. If you don't have insurance, there are often offices that will provide services on a sliding scale.

 

We are obviously not qualified to help you through such a complex and deep-seated issue. You are only seeing the world in a one-dimensional way, and because of that you discount everything we say, as well as the facts of your actual appearance. A good therapist can help you work through this issue over time, so you can live your life with a better view of yourself.

 

God, if you saw a picture of me, you'd think I was a troll. (I'm not, by the way....I'm just not classically beautiful.) You're much prettier than I am, but I bet you if we went into a bar together, I'd leave with a guy's number, not because I'm more attractive, but because I'm more CONFIDENT (and also, because I'd do the asking, rather than wait to be asked.) By calling yourself ugly, you're basically telling many of the rest of us we're monsters! So stop insulting us and find a therapist.

 

I'm not saying the "rest of you" are monsters... just possibly delusional. Or easily mislead by photos. In real life, I could guarantee, even without seeing your picture, that you are prettier than me. Why? Because I get constant reinforcement that most girls are prettier than me. Not a day goes by at our lunch table at work without someone making a comment about how they're gonna set up Single Guy A with Single Girl B, because Guy A thinks she's hot even though he has never exchanged a word with her in his life. Has that ever happened for me? No.

 

Is it my negativity? If that's the cause, then why can my coworker spend HOURS bitching and complaining about everything under the sun while I sit there quietly and say nothing, and yet still have hordes of guys chasing after her?

This is one of the bigger drawbacks of giving advice online, you don't have any sense of the person. Saying "be more confident" is an easy toss-off, when in fact the person may BE confident in real life. And what does confident even mean? When I'm walking around in my day-to-day life, I'm not thinking about relationships or how insecure I am... I'm thinking about what I need to do for my job, or about that book I just read, or should I have a sandwich or a salad for dinner. Is that somehow NOT confident??

[jobaba]

You seem to have missed the part where I said I DON'T look for guys in bars. I was simply pointing out I don't get flirted with in bars... but the fact is I don't get flirted with ANYWHERE. I couldn't even get guys to pay attention to me at nerd conventions... and it had nothing to do with them being 'intimidated,' because they were hitting on my very hot friend by the dozens.

 

 

 

 

I want guys to think I'm physically attractive. Why is that such a horrible and shallow thing? I've been in relationships with guys who did date me for my personality, and they always ended up with the guy dumping me for not being hot enough. Would YOU really want to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn't really want to have sex with you, who is embarrassed to introduce you to his friends and coworkers because they tell him he can 'do better'? (And it wasn't my personality, since they were more than happy to introduce me to their parents and family.)

 

How does turning 30 have anything to do with it??

 

It's not the best or clearest picture you have in your avatar. But I don't know why your whining about being painfully unattractive. You look pretty cute from what I can see.

[Anela]

It's not the best or clearest picture you have in your avatar. But I don't know why your whining about being painfully unattractive. You look pretty cute from what I can see.

 

That's what she's been told (that she isn't that pretty). I'm feeling oddly protective (or maybe not so oddly, considering I've had the same feelings). I think she's pretty, too, though - great smile.

 

I was feeling so bad about myself as a teenager, that it didn't register with me when a boy asked me out (and made it sound like he was doing me a favour, to me, because he started out with, "I heard you had a crush on me...") - it didn't register that he was nervous. He'd been excited to get me into his house, in front of our families, and ask me out, but my pride (feeling hurt) stopped me from seeing that he was nervous, too - and that didn't register until just this year, for me. The same with the boy who kept hanging around my house, seeking me out, wanting me to go out. I just assumed he was busy with other girls (who kept throwing themselves at him), and didn't ask me out on a date, because he wasn't interested - but people who knew us both would tease me about the way he was always wanting my company, and would be there to help me, my mum or my sister if needed.

 

My confidence had been blasted, and it pains me to think of how things might have been for me, if I'd got my confidence back when I was a teen or in my early twenties. I was the girl the boys teased other boys about, in middle school and high school - although I got plenty of wolf whistles outside of school, that embarrassed me.

 

The thing is, nobody my age, or thereabouts, told me outright that I was pretty (other than last year, when I was patronized, and told not to worry my pretty little head over something). I've never been told, "Happy birthday, beautiful" unless it was my parents, and the most recent guy actually found it amazing that I would have thought he could have been in love with me (after he told me that he loved me). I have some idea of how she feels.

Edited November 12, 2011 by Anela

[josie54]

I'm not saying the "rest of you" are monsters... just possibly delusional. Or easily mislead by photos. In real life, I could guarantee, even without seeing your picture, that you are prettier than me. Why? Because I get constant reinforcement that most girls are prettier than me. Not a day goes by at our lunch table at work without someone making a comment about how they're gonna set up Single Guy A with Single Girl B, because Guy A thinks she's hot even though he has never exchanged a word with her in his life. Has that ever happened for me? No.

 

Verhrzn, I do not doubt you feel the way you feel, or that some people have told you these things in the past, giving you a basis for these feelings. I understand that you want to be seen as attractive. And I understand that when guys don't point you out as attractive or "hot" it hurts you. I really, really get that.

 

But what good does it do to dwell on it? None. What do you change by obsessing about it? Nothing. If we all spent so much time dwelling and obsessing on shortcomings in our lives, we'd all be miserable. A short person wishes he were taller. The person who can't sing wishes they could be Ke$ha or Lady Gaga (another person of average looks and below-average height, by the way). The person who carries every extra pound in her belly and has crazy curly frizzy hair might wish she had a flat stomach and straight shiny hair (that last one's me by the way). Wishing things were different is fine--OBSESSING about them until you drive yourself crazy is not. You just have to accept it and turn to more positive things.

 

So first, I'd say take steps to make sure you look and feel your best, and make the most of what you have. Wear your favorite clothes, buy a lipstick that looks good on you. Get some great-looking earrings. Develop a signature style. Find a perfume with a smell that makes you happy. Ask your girlfriends to help make you over--whatever you need to do. You don't have to spend a lot of money to do this. Just try different looks and colors (with stuff you already have, and with stuff you purchase over time), and ask people what looks good on you. When they say something looks fabulous, keep it. If they don't, try something else. Eventually, you'll have a wardrobe and a color palette that makes you feel fantastic every day.

 

And second, change your definition of the problem. Your problem is not your looks. Your problem is that you're dwelling and obsessing about your looks. Just for a moment, think about something other than your looks. Completely block it from your mind. And then think of your favorite thing in the world that makes you happiest (a pet, a family member, a place, whatever it is). For that second, how do you feel? I would guess you feel good at that second (before your mind shifted back). If you could completely block out thoughts about your looks and completely focus on things that make you happy, guess what? You'd be happy!

 

I know, I know: "How do you do that?" Can you do this on your own? No, I don't think you can, given how long you've spent in this mode. But check around and find a qualified therapist who can work through this with you and give you the tools you need to change your thought process and "accept yourself for who you are." Only by changing your thoughts can you set yourself free of this. And change, in this case, will most likely require a professional who's trained to help people force themselves out of a thought rut such as the one you're in now.

 

Or, don't do any of these things, and keep doing exactly what you're doing now if that's what you really want.

[DearAbby]

I have no idea what you look like, but as long as you have the views and beliefs you have as well as low self esteem about yourself nothing is going to get better. I think it would benefit you to join a gym or go outside an exercise. First of all, it would be good for you mentally. Second, if you don't wear make up, go to a make up store that sells make up and ask the woman their to recommend an eye liner for you and put it on. Invest in some blush and some lipgloss and mascara. Every woman needs to wear these items. I don't care if shes a super model. Next, reevaluate your clothes..are they stylish? Are they fitting properly? etc.. Work on the things you can control to make yourself feel better about you. If you need to lose weight, go on a diet. The reason I mention the above- is all these things are going to make you feel better about yourself. Until you feel better about yourself, I suggest you stop dating. You won't be able to get the guys you want until you feel great about yourself.

[Els]

Have you ever considered the suggestion several of us made, of moving your playing field ELSEWHERE from your rather toxic work environment?

[verhrzn]

I have no idea what you look like, but as long as you have the views and beliefs you have as well as low self esteem about yourself nothing is going to get better. I think it would benefit you to join a gym or go outside an exercise. First of all, it would be good for you mentally. Second, if you don't wear make up, go to a make up store that sells make up and ask the woman their to recommend an eye liner for you and put it on. Invest in some blush and some lipgloss and mascara. Every woman needs to wear these items. I don't care if shes a super model. Next, reevaluate your clothes..are they stylish? Are they fitting properly? etc.. Work on the things you can control to make yourself feel better about you. If you need to lose weight, go on a diet. The reason I mention the above- is all these things are going to make you feel better about yourself. Until you feel better about yourself, I suggest you stop dating. You won't be able to get the guys you want until you feel great about yourself.

 

This is the frustrating part... I've already DONE all those things. I've been a member of a gym for over a year. I do martial arts and belly dancing as well. It doesn't do a single thing to my figure. At times, it actually makes me fatter... not in terms of weight gain, but I LOOK much fatter/denser, instead of slimmer. My body doesn't seem to have too much issue gaining muscle, but it seems to hate toning. Diet doesn't do a thing except make me hungry.

 

I go into my local make-up store so much the ladies there know my name, and what shade of lip gloss I prefer.

 

As far as clothes... my clothing kinda sucks, and I admit it. But any attempt to change it has been pointless. Girlfriends won't go shopping with me any more because I frustrate them so much, and store clerks are just flummoxed. Most clothes aren't made to fit me correctly.... I have broad shoulders, and a bigger bust (40" shoulders, 36" double D bust, 32" waist, 37" hips), which makes me some weird combination of inverted triangle and square, but I'm also short with badly shaped legs, so a piece of clothing that fits me in one area doesn't fit me in another.

 

In other words.... I'm stuck with what I have, and what I have is not attractive. It's just how it is.

 

Have you ever considered the suggestion several of us made, of moving your playing field ELSEWHERE from your rather toxic work environment?

 

I'm not sure where else I could go. I've tried the bar scene (guys either ignored me or insulted me), online dating (guys ignored me), and sci fi cons since I like nerds (they either ignored me, or argued with me. Progress!)

 

I've also looked into joining groups through Meet-Up of stuff that interests me, but.... it's all girls! Even Happy Hour Single Nights are almost entirely girls.

 

So... where the heck else is there?

[cherrylips]

This is the frustrating part... I've already DONE all those things. I've been a member of a gym for over a year. I do martial arts and belly dancing as well. It doesn't do a single thing to my figure. At times, it actually makes me fatter... not in terms of weight gain, but I LOOK much fatter/denser, instead of slimmer. My body doesn't seem to have too much issue gaining muscle, but it seems to hate toning. Diet doesn't do a thing except make me hungry.

 

Hi Verhrzn,

 

I've read through a good portion of this thread, but I wanted to comment on the appearing denser/not looking toned, and making changes to your diet.

 

I've been reading a lot of nutritional advice from Mark Sisson. He's a big proponent of "paleo" nutrition, and low carb/high fat diet. He has a blog, if you want to research more its easy enough to find.

 

He suggests instead of cutting calories, try cutting your carb intake to between 50-100 grams/day. He says 50-100g is the optimal zone to stay within to have your body burn fat reserves. Also, you would need to get your carbs from veggies and fruit (mostly vegs). All grains and refined carbs (sugar) are avoided.

 

If you cut calories and are always hungry, eliminating refined carbs and grains will keep your insulin levels steady and prevent you from becoming hungry due to blood sugar drops.

 

Dietary fats will also help to keep you feeling fuller longer, and are a better fuel source for your body to burn. He suggests getting dietary fat from animal sources, nuts, olives, coconut, etc. No refined oils like canola/vegetable oil because it can cause inflammation in the body.

 

Anyways, its something you might want to look into. It seems a lot like Southbeach and Aitkens, and he pushes his own vitamins on his site, so....take that as you will

 

The low carb/high fat theory make sense to me as alternative to low calorie diets to lose fat, and getting a more "toned" look.

 

-ps You shouldn't down on your appearance, you are your own worst critic

[Els]

Point blank, I don't think V looks like she needs to lose weight. I'm not sure why most of the advice she is given seem to centre around that. She looks fit and healthy, and many men I know prefer a little flesh on a woman. Size 0 should really only be reserved for models and anorexics.

 

V... guys ignored you in online dating?? Are you genuinely being honest about this? Or are you turning down many guys there without giving them a chance?

[oldguy]

I haven't read all the posts on this thread so this link my have already been suggested;

[Mme. Chaucer]

V, you are 100% committed to confirming your own bad opinion of yourself; you have tunnel vision, and refuse to see any other point of view.

 

If you come to the point where you want to change your negative attitude, and then actually change it, your life will change.

 

I'm sure you have many things to be grateful for, and that includes your physical attributes. Honestly, there are people reading this thread who are actually UGLY. There are people reading this thread who are SEVERELY OVERWEIGHT. You are neither.

 

I'm pretty sure you are actually depressed, but it's evidently being expressed in a massive self-absorbtion, anger and negativity that is really not conducive to attracting other people or connecting well with other people.

 

You're not ugly, you're not fat, you are attractive, there are lots of women in the world who are more attractive than you are (same goes for all of us), and if you can't go out in the world feeling love for yourself and like you have a lot to GIVE, other people aren't going to see that in you, either.

 

I think it's pretty lame how much talk there is here about your diet or workout routine. Certainly, keep all that up, but I think it's so clear that you need to be working on yourself from the inside. Unless you want to live your whole life under the pall of feeling angry, bitter, thwarted and jealous.

[cherrylips]

Point blank, I don't think V looks like she needs to lose weight. I'm not sure why most of the advice she is given seem to centre around that. She looks fit and healthy, and many men I know prefer a little flesh on a woman. Size 0 should really only be reserved for models and anorexics.

 

I don't think she "needs" to lose weight either. Trust me, I'm the last person that would criticize a person about their weight. I only commented on what she had mentioned herself about her workouts and not getting the toned results she wanted.

 

If its something that's within the realm of changing about yourself and you want to change it, and ask for advice on it, then why shouldn't she get some feedback?

 

She may not need to lose a huge amount of weight. If its just "vanity" weight like 10 pounds, or a difference between a size 10 to 8 or something...then yes, I think a person can get a self esteem boost by kicking a few pounds. I don't see that being a big moral dilemma.

 

Her poor sense of self goes deeper than that. She's been told over and over and over again that she is not ugly, but rebukes what anyone tells her. Flat out, her image of her self is not healthy, and no amount of weight loss or other superficial changes will change that. Like others, I think she needs to learn how to love and accept herself.

[verhrzn]

V... guys ignored you in online dating?? Are you genuinely being honest about this? Or are you turning down many guys there without giving them a chance?

 

The only guys I've turned down are 1) guys outside my age range by a margin of more than 2 years 2) guys who just strike me as... odd.

 

The second options applies only to 1 guy. His first email wasn't so bad, but I didn't respond to it right away (I had been off the site for about a week.) So in the meantime, he sent me three more... In about 2-3 weeks time, he had sent me 15 messages, each of them a little bit creepier than the last. ("I don't own a car because I LOVE video games so much and that's why I think we should be together!" sort of thing.)

 

Other than that, guys don't message me. I've had 2 guys message me since April, and I went out on a date with both. I've tried emailing guys, and they never respond... Or they respond, and respond, and respond without ever actually taking me up on my request for coffee or a phone call.

[iris219]

V, I'll admit that I'm often jealous of unattractive women because they have the lives I want (marriage to men who adore them, children). The women I work with are fantastic--many of them, however, are not physically attractive--yet they're genuinely happy and have succeeded in all areas of their lives. Why do you think being unattractive means you can't have a fulfilling life?

 

Good looks do not equal dating success. Many attractive women have terrible luck when it comes to dating.

[somedude81]

Yo verhrzn, if you're ever in Cali send me a message.

[Mallow]

I've seen your picture before, in one of your earlier posts when you joined LS.

 

You aren't unattractive. Despite your disagreement, different makeup and attire would do wonders for your look. Hairstyle can change your appearance too.

 

The right makeup would enhance your features. I know you're going to argue this. However, it's worth a shot to actually take some suggestions opposed to just telling us all that "you've tried them all, and it does nothing for you!"

 

I would gladly help find a style that works for you.

[YaOldBuckaroo]

I'm in my mid-twenties and have always been considered unattractive... "cute" is the very best I can get. I never get hit on, or flirted with, and guys I date tell me they liked me DESPITE my looks, that my personality makes up for the fact that I'm not as hot as my or his friends.

 

I've always really struggled with my looks in regards to relationships. I know that physical attraction is one of the best things that guys look for in a partner... yeah, personality is nice, but it only goes so far. What seems to happen, over and over, is that guys deal with my bad looks cause of my nice personality, but then dump me or cheat on me whenever they find a girl who has both looks AND personality they like. OR, they only date me because they themselves are desperate... I seem to always get the guy who has been friend-zoned by everyone else, and he's still desperately in love with his best female friend but has "settled" for me.

 

In the past few months, whenever I am out in the world, or reading relationship articles, I feel consumed with jealousy and anger of attractive women. I know they might have problems as well, but at least they're beautiful, at least men want them. I also end up hating men too... I automatically reject a guy on a dating site I've been matched up with if he's attractive, cause I figure why waste my time, and I ultimately reject the average/ugly guys as well, because they're only interested in me because they can't get the hot girls.

 

People tell me this is a very negative attitude to have but I don't know how to get over it. How do you deal in a world full of attractive people when you're not? In the case of unattractive girls, should we just accept the fact that we'll either be alone or that girl a guy "settled" for, until he dumps you and moves on?

 

Hey verhrzn,

 

Like you've said, attraction is not only about physical looks. Personality plays a big part as well, and so does your social and personal value. A female that's "mediocre" in terms of appearance but is excellent at socially interacting and adept at showing personal worth, will always rank higher in the minds of a hot chick that doesn't interact with others very well. Confidence you display will always be found attractive by men.

 

When you're shy or uncomfortable being around "attractive" people, it'll reflect on the outside for everybody to see, and in turn makes you appear unattractive. Overcome these self-limiting beliefs, and you'll become a more desirable girl.

 

Here's a few helpful articles I found for you:

 

http://www.blackbeltseduction.com/blog/archives/471

 

http://www.scribd.com/doc/4654457/Attract-Women-With-4-Routines-From-Black-Belt-Seduction

 

These articles address men, but in the info can definitely apply to females as well.

 

Max

[FitChick]

I have two words for the OP:

 

plastic surgery