Fran J Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 my bf and I are both in our late 20's...we have been dating 4 years and living together for 3... jobs and money are not issues...we have talked and he knows I want marriage, he says he wants to get married, but he never acts on it, and we've been talking about it for almost 2 years now...what's going on? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Proposals aren't the only way to go. Why not tell him that you'd like to be married by such-n-such a date, and ask him how he feels about starting to make some plans together? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 my bf and I are both in our late 20's...we have been dating 4 years and living together for 3... jobs and money are not issues...we have talked and he knows I want marriage, he says he wants to get married, but he never acts on it, and we've been talking about it for almost 2 years now...what's going on? Does he say when he sees himself getting married? He might be thinking years from now, or when he turns 30, or when he gets that promotion at work, or... He's not acting on it because he's not ready. Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I am in a similar situation and I can empathize. It can be so disheartening when you are ready to make the next step but it feels as though you're dragging your partner every step of the way behind you. Like nora said, there's an issue here - he's saying he wants the same things but not when. Have you shared your time line with him or asked him about his? I get the feminist idea of proposing marriage to a man - I would recommend that but I also know that's not exactly ideal for many women. For one, women are often ready first and proposing probably carries a greater chance of rejection. And I suspect it's probably common for women to think thereafter, "Would he ever have proposed to me if I hadn't done it first?" I'd only suggest it if a.) you truly want to propose and b.) you're ready to propose. If that's not the case, it's probably only bound to cause resentment later on down the road. But given your respective ages, career success and the length of the relationship, it is time for him to poo or get off the pot. He either needs to make up or move on, because 4 or 5 years of your life is simply too long at this point to devote to an 'iffy' relationship. It's time for a frank discussion. You need to know his time line - with a concrete reference in there. Not "soon," or "someday," but "six months" or "a year." I think it's a good idea to say something like what xxoo said - indicate when you'd like to be engaged by. This lets him know what you want and it's not an "or else" threat. But I'd also say start planning for the opposite side of the coin - he may not be ready and he may never be ready. Make sure you're financially independent. Line up another place to live and set a deadline after you make your desires known. Don't tell him about this. When his 'deadline' comes, simply pack up and move on. The only thing threatening him will accomplish is that he may wind up proposing...and 5 years down the line he's cussing you out and saying you coerced him into it as he hands you divorce papers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fran J Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Like nora said, there's an issue here - he's saying he wants the same things but not when. Have you shared your time line with him or asked him about his? I haven't given an exact time but he knows me well enough that when I mention it and drop hints, I'm not talking about in 2 more years...I have not asked him about his. I just don't want to be pushy about it because if he doesn't want to marry me, he doesn't need to... But given your respective ages, career success and the length of the relationship, it is time for him to poo or get off the pot. He either needs to make up or move on, because 4 or 5 years of your life is simply too long at this point to devote to an 'iffy' relationship. He is 29, I am 26... I don't know if this has any significance but it is something I have thought of: He and his brother are 13 months apart and SUPER close...just alike, they never fight, etc. etc. (you get it) He dated this girl for 6 1/2 years before they broke up, and two weeks later he was already with some other girl that neither my bf and I have ever seen... I love him and would do anything for him... when we moved in together, I moved into his house, I don't make any payments other than my car and my cell phone bills...not that it's hurting his wallet; he has a great job...however I do clean, cook and all that. So I don't know if he just likes being taken care of or what. I know that I made the decision that I would marry him after 2 years into our relationship...I don't know why he can't. and it just hurts my feelings that I have put so much into a relationship with someone that I love and apparently I'm not the one he wants to marry, or maybe he just doesn't know yet...who knows... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I haven't given an exact time but he knows me well enough that when I mention it and drop hints, I'm not talking about in 2 more years...I have not asked him about his. I just don't want to be pushy about it because if he doesn't want to marry me, he doesn't need to...QUOTE] Why is talking about it pushy? No hints, just talk. Ask him how he feels about getting married in 2012. It is your future, too. This should be something that you discuss and plan together! If he doesn't want to marry you, or isn't ready yet, he can tell you that. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I love him and would do anything for him... when we moved in together, I moved into his house, I don't make any payments other than my car and my cell phone bills...not that it's hurting his wallet; he has a great job...however I do clean, cook and all that. So I don't know if he just likes being taken care of or what. I know that I made the decision that I would marry him after 2 years into our relationship...I don't know why he can't. and it just hurts my feelings that I have put so much into a relationship with someone that I love and apparently I'm not the one he wants to marry, or maybe he just doesn't know yet...who knows... Before you moved in together, did you discuss what cohabitating meant for each of you? You may have thought "great, this is one step closer to marriage!" and he may have thought "perfect, I get all the benefits of marriage without having to actually get married!" Link to post Share on other sites
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