I have him but I still get Jealous

[4321sn]

My MM left in March and we have been together for several months. I do not get jealous of his ex. Sometimes when she calls him regarding the children he ignores the call or doesn't respond to her texts because he doesn't want to deal with her. I try not to get too involved but I always encourage him to call her back and respond to her. They are co parenting. I imagine my frustration if he were to ignore my calls/texts regarding children.

 

We both have 2 children. It goes without saying that the kids come first. I couldn't be with someone who didn't care if they saw their children.

[PhoenixRise]

I am hoping this poster is a troll and the thread is fake, but just in case by fluke it isn't, it's only fair to respond and try to knock some sense into her head. If she wants a real shot at this so called relationship, many changes and maturity has to happen.

 

I hope it is a troll too.

 

However I have seen this play out IRL. One of my uncles left his wife and children and went off with his OW. Once he divorced the 1st wife he treated her and their children as if they didn't exist and that is exactly the way his new wife wanted it.

 

Nobody in our family ever has a kind word for her and nobody respects him. Not because he divorced his 1st wife. Divorce is not uncommon in our family. But because of the way he treated his children from his first marriage.

[Gentlegirl]

He is a great guy kind, generous ,looks after me (my xH hit me) he has never hurt me.

 

The ex g/f is his travel agent.We are going to Melbourne for 7 days to watch the cup(horse racing) so he only talks to her when he is planning to travel and she is married so no I don't think it is a red flag.It just bugs me LOL

 

No I don't think he will go back to his ex she was not a social person (did not drink much)and gave him a hard time when he did.

Thats how we met, Im bar manager an she let him go out with his mates heaps.

 

You should probably learn to spell "soul".. Sole is the bottom of a shoe.

 

However, I don't see what's wrong with a woman who chooses not to drink much. Maybe HE wasn't very pleasant when he had been drinking.

 

Not being a social person is not a hanging crime, nor is it reason enough to leave somebody. Remember the one who was at home caring for the children while daddy was having a great time in your bar?

 

One day, he might just turn around and blame you for not supporting him in having contact with his kids. It will hang between you forever if he loses them. Then again he might not ever give a rat's arse!

 

The age gap between you great.

 

My Best Wishes to you,

 

GG

[carhill]

Hey, how old are the kids?

 

How long was the affair before he left?

 

What's your relationship/marital history prior to him?

 

Are you open to working on your jealousy with a professional?

[skinnyjess]

Hey, how old are the kids?

 

How long was the affair before he left?

 

What's your relationship/marital history prior to him?

 

Are you open to working on your jealousy with a professional?

 

His kids are mid teens I think

This is one of the reasons I'm not pushing him to spend time with them its not like they are young

 

We had been flirting for a while and only got together a few weeks before his wifey caught him and made him choose (he has a history of being a bad boy lol) this does not help with my jealousy issues!

 

I was married to an abusive ..... for 2.5 yrs

 

I can not afford to see a professional and Im not sure that sort of stuff is for me.

[carhill]

Well, the kids will be out of the house in a few years and are already a lot more independent and living their own lives as teenagers, so that part of the equation is time-limited, both in the financial and overt attention sense. They'll always be his kids but they'll be adults soon.

 

The bad boy versus jealousy part is something you'll have to work on yourself. Since you seem averse and unable to pursue professional help, which incidentally might book-end work on effects from that abusive M, it's going to be self-help. Unknown whether you have the introspection capacity and desire at 30 to really work it solo. Anything is possible.

 

How is the female friend network doing? I'd make that job number one. Then, utilize it to broaden your personal life and create positive pathways to replace the jealous ones. You know from your experiences as an OW that you can't control him; he'll do what he does. You can control you. Keep him guessing and you'll have his attention. It's hard to hold onto a bad boy, so regular commitment stuff doesn't apply. The game is still on. I hope you're up for that.

 

I wish I had some specific advice on how to handle jealousy but honestly I don't; I've never been a jealous person. I hope you can work it out.

[skinnyjess]

At last Thankyou Carhill for the constructive comments

[whichwayisup]

His kids are mid teens I think

This is one of the reasons I'm not pushing him to spend time with them its not like they are young

 

We had been flirting for a while and only got together a few weeks before his wifey caught him and made him choose (he has a history of being a bad boy lol) this does not help with my jealousy issues!

 

I was married to an abusive ..... for 2.5 yrs

 

I can not afford to see a professional and Im not sure that sort of stuff is for me.

 

First of all, his kids NEED him, reguardless of their age. Mid teens is still young and it would be very easy for one or both kids to make some bad or wrong choices due to emotional stress and home life, not seeing their dad. You have no clue.

 

Secondly, please respect his wife, no need to call her "wifey" that just makes you look like you're loving every minute that he chose you over her. IF you DO marry this guy, his Ex will be in YOUR lives forever because of the kids..That is, if he is allowed or chooses to see them.

 

Thirdly, since he left his wife 'for' you and hasn't had time alone, time to adjust and work on himself, chances are very high that his behaviour, the bad boy stuff etc is ingrained in him and that's who he is. You be prepared that one day he might cheat on you. you know what he's capable of, being his affair partner and the OW, so you should be jealous if he is off lying to you down the road and not coming home when he says he will. You should see the signs and know the lies since you were his OW. Right?

[bentnotbroken]

His kids are mid teens I think

This is one of the reasons I'm not pushing him to spend time with them its not like they are young.

:sick:This is spoken by someone who has no clue what it is to parent young adults. They may not need hands on guidance all the time, but it is a crucial time for making choices that could follow them throughout their lives. They are young...young adults. And they are as affected by(in some cases more)than young children who forget easily. Sheesh.

[stillafool]

His kids are mid teens I think

This is one of the reasons I'm not pushing him to spend time with them its not like they are young

 

 

Do you have parents? If so, do you still need them or are you through with them also?

[stillafool]

No I don't think he will go back to his ex she was not a social person (did not drink much)and gave him a hard time when he did.

Thats how we met, Im bar manager an she let him go out with his mates heaps.

 

Good for the wife for not drinking much. I guess she wants to preserve her looks and not end up looking like an old hag from too much alcohol consumption. It really adds on the years.

[findingnemo]

His kids are mid teens I think

This is one of the reasons I'm not pushing him to spend time with them its not like they are young

 

We had been flirting for a while and only got together a few weeks before his wifey caught him and made him choose (he has a history of being a bad boy lol) this does not help with my jealousy issues!

 

I was married to an abusive ..... for 2.5 yrs

 

I can not afford to see a professional and Im not sure that sort of stuff is for me.

 

Skinniness, surely this can't be a true story, can it? At first I thought that he avoided his kids because of the negativity and the anger. Although it is the wrong way to react, I suppose some people can do stupid things, make mistakes. But the more you describe this guy, the more he looks like a selfish user. So the reason his M ended is because his BW doesn't drink. Damn, I really hope his W divorces his ass immediately. I'm loving this BW more and more.

 

You want to know why you may be feeling jealous? Most OWs know how the bond of M and kids can make it extremely hard for a MM to choose you. A lot of times, OWs must learn as much as possible about the BW to see what she's like. Usually, the BW is a normal person who is a responsible wife and/or mother. OW wonders why MM would really leave her. It's normal to be jealous because MM is still married. So there's your answer.

 

But for the love of...please let the man go. At 48, he is surprisingly childish as are you at 30. But for you, it may not be the end of the world. For him who is already a father to act the way he does, shows that there is no hope whatsoever that he will be the kind of man who'll love and cherish you.

[findingnemo]

Sorry, OP. I'm using an iPad and can't seem to edit to get your name right. I apologize.

[carhill]

The children and their parenting are the responsibility of their parents, who are not here asking for help or advice. The OP wants to work on her jealousy. Try to stay on-topic.

 

OP, can you think of one thing you could do for yourself this week to work on this jealousy issue?

 

I remember a similar situation with a past MW who became an OW and where the MM's family shunned her; he also had two children, though slightly younger, and she often related to me that she, even though they were living together and had been together for a number of years, felt 'left out' of the family and this distressed her, especially that it had gone on for years (eight at the time I came to know her again). She handled her jealousy by playing the game, as I related above, and using myself and some other men I saw as tools to keep him guessing. She was most familiar with me, due to our history, so gave me major play in the dynamic. Over time, I saw her strategy working as it appeared his family began to accept her more and they, even though still having 'spats', seemed to evolve a balanced synergy for them. After she got him to buy a house with her we lost contact. I guess my usefullness was finished. I hope they worked things out.

 

So, are you up for this kind of potential? Long term? Remember, you yourself said he's a 'bad boy'. That takes special handling. My former MW's BF was/is one of those 'bad boys'; good looking, women love him, monied family, likes to play around, works in the entertainment industry. We went to the same private schools so I know the psychology fairly well. The one advantage you have is your age. That's a draw for men that my fMW didn't have. Keep spending time with your friends, both by yourself and as a couple. See how it goes.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Just in case you are not a troll:

 

1) The man not spending much time with his kids is what is known as a RED FLAG. It's showing you something BAD about his character.

 

2) The fact that he was a "bad boy," same as above.

 

3)

she was not a social person (did not drink much)and gave him a hard time when he did.

 

Do you actually believe that drinking a lot, or putting up with drunkenness gracefully, are requirements to be a good partner for this old fellow? If that's the case … more RED FLAGS, see above.

 

You are probably insecure by nature; I don't think anyone with good self-worth would choose to be entangled with a man whom you've pretty much described as a loser. So, you should work on that on your own.

 

Also, you're interior self might be trying to give you some messages. This elderly "bad boy" will behave badly towards you, too.

 

Try to find a good man next time around.

[skinnyjess]

Thank you some of you have helped me see things a bit more clearly.

I think I should be listening to my instincts more and not putting hope in my Heart being right

Sometimes you just want things to work out,just because thats what you want to happen

[JaneyAmazed]

Thank you some of you have helped me see things a bit more clearly.

I think I should be listening to my instincts more and not putting hope in my Heart being right

Sometimes you just want things to work out,just because thats what you want to happen

 

 

Following instints and paying attention to red flags is of the UTMOST importance in any relationship. It's never too late to get out of the situation though. It may be hard, but nothing compared to years and years of being with someone who you know deep down is wrong for you.

[Ms. Red]

Thank you some of you have helped me see things a bit more clearly.

I think I should be listening to my instincts more and not putting hope in my Heart being right

Sometimes you just want things to work out,just because thats what you want to happen

 

I know how you feel Jess. I recently ended a relationship (not romantic) that I put my heart and soul into. I thought that if I cared enough and had a strong enough will that we would be close forever.

 

I had gut feelings and warnings about things that weren't right with this person but I ignored them and concentrated on the good feelings and positives in the relationship. That wasn't enough. If I could do it again, I would listen to my gut and not shove them out of my mind.

 

Re-read my first post to you minus the swipe at your boyfriend. That was a mother's defense of children that came naturally and I'm sorry that I posted that. But, minus that I think it was good advice I gave you.

 

Listen to your gut. I wish you well.

[Tenacity]

Sorry, but this OP has no clue. She is 30 years old?? That is a full-fledged adult. This person doesn't sound like a mature adult in any sense.

 

OP... You don't have to have your own kids to realize that your guy's kids should be his first priority. Yes... his first priority!!! over you. I could not believe when I read your first post ("he doesn't see them very often, thanfully"!) OMG!! Are you really 30 years old??? How can you get to middle age and not understand such a fundamentally important parental rule, whether or not you have kids of your own??? To me that signifies some sort of mental problem.

 

Of course you are insecure. You should be, because this guy has zero ability to man up to his commitments. You are just one more of the same. You will be history soon as well. And, better off for you, if you can learn what to look for in a man. (Not someone who doesn't want to be a father to his own children).

 

Unbelievable.

[NoIDidn't]

The children and their parenting are the responsibility of their parents, who are not here asking for help or advice. The OP wants to work on her jealousy. Try to stay on-topic.

 

The OP THINKS she needs help with her jealousy, but what she needs is help with those big red flags that are adding to her insecurity and immaturity.

 

The OP knows he's a "bad boy". Why date bad boys when you know you have jealousy issues?

 

The OP knows he will ABANDON his family. Why date a guy that you witness do this to those that depended on him when you KNOW you have abandonment issues (the jealousy and happiness that he doesn't choose to see his kids over her).

 

The OP doesn't feel like his teenaged children need him anymore. This one SCREAMS abandonment fears (that jealousy she's feeling). Just how did the OP draw such a conclusion? Did she live something similar?

 

Jess has no idea where her jealousy stems from, but her posts give plenty of clues. A good therapist might not call her boyfriend names or tell her to dump him, but they will definitely give her the tools and help her find the strength to realize that he is only helping her CREATE the VERY PROBLEM she's trying to fix.

Edited October 22, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissBee]

LOL. Try to stay on topic? OK.

 

The OP THINKS she needs help with her jealousy, but what she needs is help with those big red flags that are adding to her insecurity and immaturity.

 

The OP knows he's a "bad boy". Why date bad boys when you know you have jealousy issues?

 

The OP knows he will ABANDON his family. Why date a guy that you witness do this to those that depended on him when you KNOW you have abandonment issues (the jealousy and happiness that he doesn't choose to see his kids over her).

 

The OP doesn't feel like his teenaged children need him anymore. This one SCREAMS abandonment fears (that jealousy she's feeling). Just how did the OP draw such a conclusion? Did she live something similar?

 

Just because the others didn't address the issue as presented doesn't at all mean they weren't on topic. So if a stranger asks you the time while obliviously walking into on-coming traffic, are you really going to yell "its 3:30" and not alert them to their more pressing problem? I wouldn't.

 

Jess has no idea where her jealousy stems from, but her posts give plenty of clues. A good therapist might not call her boyfriend names or tell her to dump him, but they will definitely give her the tools and help her find the strength to realize that he is only helping her CREATE the VERY PROBLEM she's trying to fix.

 

The other posts were on topic, IMO.

 

I agree...the OP's posts speak to her having issues of which jealousy is an offshoot and therefore simply trying to address the simple matter of jealousy is not very simple at all.

[carhill]

She can be helped with her jealousy without being belittled and attacked. That underscores a jealousy of a different sort, or darker emotions, which have no place in this discussion.

[NoIDidn't]

She can be helped with her jealousy without being belittled and attacked. That underscores a jealousy of a different sort, or darker emotions, which have no place in this discussion.

 

My post was flagged and I didn't attack the OP. But I see the only part of the post edited was the sarcastic part addressing the bossiness of another poster....

 

I disagree that there is "a jealousy of a different sort" going on from other posters. It wasn't jealousy that registered with me, it was shock and possibly some disgust with the manner that she posted about the MM's children and family concerning her.

 

My post was to point out that the other posters were helping her by pointing out that jealousy was not her *real* problem. We can argue over posters making up a new problem or what have you, but its clear the OP has more issues than "jealousy". Its no more helpful to post attacking the OP than it is to post attacking the other posters.

 

I think many can agree that the problem isn't the jealousy. The jealousy is just the part the OP can recognize.

[carhill]

If you have anything personal to talk with me about, use the PM function. Discussion between members and about moderation is off-topic. It appears the thread has been pruned.

 

ETA that, to the extent I went off-topic discussing personal attacks, I apologize. I didn't realize a moderator was on duty. I won't do it again. I'll leave it to them.

 

I hope the OP has found the discussion useful.

Edited October 24, 2011 by carhill

[NoIDidn't]

If you have anything personal to talk with me about, use the PM function. Discussion between members and about moderation is off-topic. It appears the thread has been pruned.

 

ETA that, to the extent I went off-topic discussing personal attacks, I apologize. I didn't realize a moderator was on duty. I won't do it again. I'll leave it to them.

 

I hope the OP has found the discussion useful.

 

Not sure what I would need to discuss with you, but I appreciate the offer to take it to private if needed. I was just participating in a thread and interacting with the other posters (you). Sarcasm is a tricky thing for some. Especially in print. Oh well.

 

I hope the OP found some of the discussion useful as well.