whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Is it only a new lover who can never expect to be first in a parent's life, or does that apply to their spouse (or ex-spouse) too? Once you have children, do you automatically give up your prime place in your spouse's heart, forever more? This would be a good discussion, so make another thread.. if we all talk about this here, it's thread jacking the OP's thread and that's not fair to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 I think what is germane to the OP is finding out of jealousy has been an issue in previous relationships or if this is her first encounter with it. If there isn't a pattern than I think there is more of an argument of looking at this particular relationship and figuring out what her gut is telling her. If jealous issues have been an issue throughout one's life, then looking at your choice of partners and one's insecurities that lead to jealousy. Jealousy, to me, is a secondary emotion and one needs to figure out what the primary feelings are and look to address them. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 It is highly pertinent to this thread. The OP has been condemned for daring to want to be no 1 in her lover's heart, when he has children. I wonder if the same advice would have been given to his wife, or whether some people are just hypocrites. My children always come first. Screw all others who think they should come before them, especially adults. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Jealousy, to me, is a secondary emotion and one needs to figure out what the primary feelings are and look to address them. I agree. I don't think jealousy is the primary issue here. Too bad the OP hasn't returned. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I agree. I don't think jealousy is the primary issue here. Too bad the OP hasn't returned. Me thinks she's related to DaisyLove?? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Me thinks she's related to DaisyLove?? I felt the resemblence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinnyjess Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 I am still here and reading all your posts .Most of you have judged me as a bad person for wanting to be first in my partners life.why should I reply if you are going to attack me and call me a troll. I feel he has to make his own choices about his children and how much time he wants to spend with them.If I do not have to deal with them thats fine by me. My original post asked if anyone with as many obstacles in their relationship had made a long term relationship happen?having so many doubts does not help my jealousy issues Thank you Kilmeny for seeing a different view It is highly pertinent to this thread. The OP has been condemned for daring to want to be no 1 in her lover's heart, when he has children. I wonder if the same advice would have been given to his wife, or whether some people are just hypocrites. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I am still here and reading all your posts .Most of you have judged me as a bad person for wanting to be first in my partners life.why should I reply if you are going to attack me and call me a troll. I feel he has to make his own choices about his children and how much time he wants to spend with them.If I do not have to deal with them thats fine by me. My original post asked if anyone with as many obstacles in their relationship had made a long term relationship happen?having so many doubts does not help my jealousy issues Thank you Kilmeny for seeing a different view When I married my late husband 33 years ago . He had an 18 year old daughter. She had instant jealousy issues and made my life hell. We had to work things out very slowly. As you can see from the number of years we were married... yes it did work for a really long time. She realised over time that the relationship between me and her father was a different relationship to the one he had with her. It didn't mean that he didn't love her anymore. Maybe the reverse could work for you. You are an adult and the man/ woman relationship is TOTALLY different to the father/child relationship. Does your partner perhaps feel that you don't have any interest in his kids? If you show some genuine interest perhaps things could develop. Are you afraid of getting involved with them because of your jealousy? The kids didn't ask for any of this and they do deserve to have two parents. Are you enjoying the horses and who's going to win??? Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 My original post asked if anyone with as many obstacles in their relationship had made a long term relationship happen?having so many doubts does not help my jealousy issues My question in response to this would be to ask specifically what it is you're hoping to get back from posters here on LS? Are you only wanting answers that don't outline all of the doubts, so that your jealousy fades? Or are you wanting to hear what people really think may be going on, and what they feel your best course of action should be? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I feel he has to make his own choices about his children and how much time he wants to spend with them.If I do not have to deal with them thats fine by me. Sorry, but there's something wrong if a father doesn't want to be with his own kids and isn't fighting to see them, spend time with them. I still think in the long run encouraging him to be with them is right thing to do. God, imagine how those kids feel? Daddy not wanting to see them, doubting his love for them. The thing is, if you DO end up being with him and this works out, you WILL have to deal with his children, I hope you understand this? You WILL be a step mom to their kids. Though I doubt you're going to encourage him and listen to my suggestion because doing so means less time with you. My original post asked if anyone with as many obstacles in their relationship had made a long term relationship happen?having so many doubts does not help my jealousy issues Work on your jealously issues, understand why you feel the way you do, then go from there, change your thinking patterns and how you handle, process and react to what's going on around you. Jealously can kill any relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinnyjess Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 well everyones views about my questions have been interesting, thanks(i think!) I will try to keep my jealous feelings under control,after all he did choose me and is living with me so that must be a positive. As for the kid thing so many of you have issues with, I will deal with that if an when I have to. PS gentlegirl the horse racing was fun I love betting on them.We also did some sightseeing and spent some time in the casino. yea me ,it was a good trip Link to post Share on other sites
despicableME Posted November 12, 2011 Share Posted November 12, 2011 (edited) I have him but I still get Jealous Because now that you have him; you need to keep him. I don't want to dump on you, but I just don't see this working out in the long run; the age gap is just too much. You also go on to say that you guys only hang-out with your friends. They're not going to tell you, but I bet its a bit uncomfortable for them. He seems to be going through some kind of crisis... maybe trying to regain his youth somehow now approaching the big 50... not saying that 50 is "old geezer" status, but it is a milestone in a person's life. Edited November 12, 2011 by despicableME Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 I have a question which may or may not be relevant... How does your family feel about it? I am 29 and I believe that my family would be quite shocked over such an arrangement. When a relationship comes with such risk and cost it may be causing you to feel more compelled (perhaps unreasonably so even) to keep it no matter what. You can see the "flags" and yet because it was such a price to pay, all of the "sunk costs" may overwhelm a sense of reason and bring out your jealousy more often. Losing this relationship may symbolize something much deeper to you then simply losing a boyfriend of sorts which can be quite painful in itself. Link to post Share on other sites
bean1 Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 Skinnyjess, the answer is really quite simple. In the back of your mind, you know that he was able to toss aside his wife and kids for another woman, which means even though you "have him", you know that he is capable of such acts. Remember, his wife was his 'soul mate' at one time (after all, no matter what he tells you, he said his vows didn't he?) and he could even put you ahead of his own flesh and blood. The throne is very shaky at the top, isn't it? You "have" him now, but so did other people. You know darn well that your prize could toss you aside like last week's leftovers at any given moment. He's done it to those he should have loved more. No, I'm no basher, I am a former OW. The truth hurts, doesn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted December 25, 2011 Share Posted December 25, 2011 I bet he's sticking it to the travel agent... Link to post Share on other sites
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