Choosing Sides after Divorce

[worriedsick]

About four years ago, my parents divorced and obviously the family has been a mess ever since. My dad cheated on my mother, so this caused a split down the middle of family. His blood relatives still invite him to events but exclude my mom. I recently got an invitation to a cousin's baby shower, but my mom did not get invited even though she has been part of the family since this cousin has been alive. This cousin also excluded her from their wedding. There have been other events that the same thing has happened. I have not been attending events my mom doesn't get invited to, but I keep getting invited. I honestly would prefer that they just NOT invite me if they don't have the decency to invite my mom as well, and I am trying to decide whether or not to tell them this. I am the kind of person who does not like to put on a show and be fake, and if I have a problem with someone I generally like to put it out there and either resolve it or move on. I am now trying to decide whether I should try to have a civil discussion with my family about their exclusion of my mom, or leave it alone and risk potentially blowing up at them sometime when we are actually together. Any thoughts on this??

[2sure]

Its hard I know. Your Mom had been a part of your Dads family since the day they were married. You have been a part of the same family since you were born. Regardless of the reasons for the divorce or how they feel about your Mom, she stopped being a real member of that family when your parents got divorced. You will always be a part of the family because your Dad is your Dad.

 

When my daughter's Dad and I were divorced, I stopped being a part of his extended family. Oh, I still sent a Christmas Card and things like that but of course I no longer invited them to my own or my families functions.And he did not invite me to theirs. I have never gotten along well with my X, I cant stand him to tell you the truth. But I always liked his family, which in time has come to include his new wife and her kids. They are not warm to me in any way. But I like them because they have always been good to my daughter, always included her. I am happy with anyone who sincerely loves my daughter even if I am excluded.

 

So, you see what Im saying. Your Dads family just isnt your Moms family anymore...but they are still yours.

[worriedsick]

As far as I am concerned, anyone who doesn't consider my mom to still be family since they were married for so long, they may as well not consider me family either. I do not associate with my dad and haven't seen him since they divorced. The kicker is that my mom still helps his side of the family - she is the one who takes HIS parents to their doctor appointments, helps them with things they need, etc, but then when it comes to holidays and events and such, she is excluded but then the fam wonders why I never show up. It is okay for her to bust her butt helping them but then completely exclude her when it really counts.

[2sure]

Yeah well. That sux. They seem to want your Moms help but not her company. You might respond to the next invitation by calling inquiring:

 

Hey! Thanks for the invite! I was wondering though...last time my Mom was taking Gramma to the doctors the event wasnt mentioned. Shes invited right? Oh...I see. Well, my regrets then. Maybe next time Mom and I will be able to attend together.

 

Hopefully you will never hear from them again.

[Lucky_One]

The family might not want any drama.

 

If your Dad is still being invited to events (possibly with his new GF), why in the world would they want to invite your mother there, for your mother to get her feelings hurt or to possibly cause tension or a fight? Why would your mother even want to be there if your Dad might be there? The same goes for you - why would you want to be somewhere that your Dad is, especially if this is a family celebration, if you don't see him or speak to him anymore?

 

If I was getting married, and if Uncle Mike is my mother's brother, then I don't think I'd want to ask Ex-Aunt Mary to come to the wedding. I can just imagine the cat fight between Trixie the OW and Ex-Aunt Mary in the ladies room during the reception, and then there is the headache of how to do placecards so that Mike and Mary aren't within two tables of each other or even in each other's direct line of sight.

 

Bottom line, your mother can choose to opt out of that part of your family. If she doesn't take her ex-in-laws to the doctor, someone else will. They are choosing to not have her as part of their social events, and that is their choice. IMHO, it is probably a healthier choice for everyone.

[carhill]

OP, how does your mom feel about this dynamic? I didn't see that in your posts. Evidently, she still 'helps' the family, which is a sign of her feelings. You may feel differently about the dynamic, and that's valid, but be clear that those are *your* feelings and have nothing to do with your mother. It's entirely possible that she's happy with how things are, now; happy that your father is out of her life. The people she helps, she's happy to do so. Perhaps that's instructive.

[worriedsick]

To answer some questions, my mom is not happy about being excluded from social events. The kicker of all of this is no one in my family really even LIKES my dad or his new whore, but they still invite him because they feel that is what they SHOULD do. I know the rest of the family continues to invite me to things because they still think that I am part of their family, but if they knew how I would likely react if I ever actually ran into my dad and step-whore, they would never invite me to another event again. I haven't seen my dad in over four years and never met his new whore but in the event I did, I would probably bitch-slap them both and it would turn into an episode of Jerry Springer. That is not normally how I handle conflicts but I am so angry with him and the whole situation I am afraid my worst side would come out. He is a terrible person and does nothing to help his own parents out, which is why my mom has stepped in. He has even stolen from them and manipulated them out of a great deal of money, and while they struggle to pay for food and medicine, he apparently is okay with that. No one else in the family steps up to take care of my grandparents except my mom, and my grandparents tell her all the time how much they love her and still consider her part of the fam, they still don't invite her to Christmas and Thanksgiving, etc. This leaves me not being able to go and see them either because I refuse to leave my mom home alone during these holidays (she has very little family on her side left, and who is left lives very far away). I feel like instead of inviting my ******* of a father (who never shows anyway because he knows everyone hates him and is just inviting him out of a sense of duty), they should invite the person who ACTUALLY cares and who they actually want there.

[Lucky_One]

And maybe they SHOULD invite your mother instead of your father.

 

But they aren't.

 

At the most basic end of the day, blood tends to be thicker than water.

 

With the vitriol that you have exhibited here, I can see why your mother is not invited, and I am surprised that you are often included as well. Not many people want their family celebrations or sad times to turn into an episode of Jerry Springer. I am not saying that you shouldn't be hurt or hate your father - I might feel the same in your shoes - but they may think it is best to take some of the kindling out of a volatile situation by limiting invitations.

 

Other people in the family would very likely step up to help your grandparents if your mother stopped. She is choosing to stay involved.