When to break NC if you broke up with ex on good terms?

[davesterr]

Sorry for posting so much however i got one last question to ask.

Me and my ex broke up in a really good way.

She's the sweetest girl ever with a really good heart and she considers me as a really good friend.

I never did anything wrong and neither did she.

I flew across the world to meet her twice and really gave up everything for her.

I guess she knows that and sees me as a good person however she said she fell out of love which is the reason we broke up.

 

Either way truth is, shes a really nice person and i would love to keep her in my life.

I told her 2 months ago though that it was too painful for me to talk to her everyday as friends only because it just hurts too much not being with her.

We talked for an hour and she was really caring and comforting which helped me alot.

 

I now however wonder when i should/could break the nc to talk to her again.

I told her that me not being online for months doesn't mean im over her because i will be thinking of her everyday.

And i was completely honest to her about how hurt i was since i knew we wouldn't get back together and i wanted her to know how much i loved her and how i truely felt.

It's just, should i message her in a few months again just for small talk?

I really think thats a bad idea because i know i wont be over her and i dont think i will ever get fully over her.

Then again i dont wanna lose her as my friend because we broke up in such good terms.

We have no hate or anything what so ever against eachother and it's really hard to find good people like that.

Ofcourse i would love her to stay in my life because well i still love her but also because we have so much history together and i dont want my inability to coop with the breakup to be the end of us.

Ofcourse right now im doing nc because its too painful to even small talk and hearing of her being with a new guy or losing her virginity to someone else would instantly kill me so thats the last i wanna know of.

And i realise i gotta see myself and my feelings as main priority first now since i let her go and let her be able to live her life the way she wants to without me interfering.

But still despite all of that, when can i or should i message her again so i dont lose this friendship? I really don't think i'll ever get over her and talking to her after breaking nc in 4 years just seems so different because then we will have become complete strangers by then and i don't want that to happen.

She said she would never forget me but i know that if i dissapear for that long then im scared that the bond we have now even though just as friends yet still caring would be gone.

 

If anyone has any experiance in breaking up on good terms and maintaining friends some way aventually then please let me know.

Thanks!

Edited October 18, 2011 by davesterr

[smudge21]

I'm kinda' in a similar situation. Broke up mutually and tried to remain friends, but I couldn't do it. So entered NC'ville, population, a lot of people.

 

Anyway, I'd say you need to stop thinking about when you should contact her, otherwise you're not really NC. All you are doing is having a vacation from the emotional bond to her. You're not healing, you're just counting down the days until you can next speak to her. If we say 2 months, then you'll be looking forward to that time coming, then what? You say hi and talk for a bit... then... what? Back to NC? What will have changed? You'll still feel the same way. She'll still feel the same way. What will have been the point of being NC for this time?

 

NC is about healing and you do that by getting away from the ex, no matter how nice or nasty they were to you. You concentrate on yourself and get your heart and mind into a better place. Only once you've healed can you consider contacting and being friends with the ex. When will that be? When you no longer feel that need to contact or be friends with her. When it no longer matters that you aren't in touch, or haven't seen her. Then and only then, can you be friends.

 

I know you think you can be friends with her even now, but you've admitted it would kill you if she got with someone else. Well, share some of my pain when I found out she'd got engaged and was planning a wedding to her ex that she'd got back with. You really think you could handle that?

 

I would love to be friends with my ex at some point, and I would love the same to happen for you, but it takes time. I know the fear of thinking that if you leave it too long they'll be gone... that's rubbish. If the friendship is important to them, then even if you're gone a year or ten, they'll always welcome you.

[betterdeal]

When your feelings for her and the thought of talking with her are kind and gentle, not hard and hurt. That's when to get back in touch. When you can be kind and funny and open.

 

You might need to work out some things you did, why you did them, what you can do differently, and perhaps forgive then forget some things she did.

[davesterr]

Thanks so much for that reply smudge.

Im really sorry you heard your ex got engaged.

And you're right. I really wouldn't be able to handle it.

As for the NC i guess you are right too.

It only helps me to focus on myself a little during the emotional break untill i talk to her again and be back to where i started.

 

Your last sentence is my favorite and i know you're right.

It's just, im so so scared to lose her all together.

I already lost her as my girlfriend.

I really don't want to lose her as my friend aswel and not have her in my life at all.

She was my first kiss and my first true love.

And she's really a great person.

I know true friendships never die, and the same goes for true love.

But im just really scared that, if she never truely loved me which led to her falling out of love.

Then what happens if she doesn't truely love me as a friend either?

I know people will say: Well then you're not ment to be or she's not worth it then.

But to me she is worth it because we have so much history together and she really is a good person.

Im just affraid that if i message her in 4 years plus from now, even if i am capable of being her friend then, that i might not be able to be her friend anymore since its been too long and i can never tell how she really feels about me now or in the future.

 

In a way im kidding myself again because just like breadcrums to keep hope of getting back together, i now am fishing for breadcrums to stay friends.

Its really stupid but in a way it's just really hard to lose someone you love so much. Even if you know you will never get back together again as a couple.

The mere thought of losing her completely really scares me and this is me thinking bout 4 or even 10 years into the future.

I really need a grip on life and start living in the now. It's just so hard not to think of it.

In a way it makes me wanna talk to her and fake myself as being ok with being friends even if it destroys me more everyday.

Edited October 18, 2011 by davesterr

[smudge21]

If it helps you focus and keeps you on NC, then by all means, believe you will be friends one day. You'll both be older and wiser and maybe in other relationships, at which point, you can be friends without any emotional attachment. It could be the strongest friendship of all, one where you can be apart for so long, but always be there for each other.

 

Don't put a time limit on it though, just tell yourself that when you're ready, you'll see her again... and then go heal. Your life will change over time and you may no longer feel this attached to her, so who knows how things may turn out. Either way, just focus on yourself and see what happens. Life is supposed to be a journey, not a destination after all.

[broken-and-lost]

for me every time i would speak to her it would set me back even seeing her has that effect i wanted to keep her in my life too but i really couldn't handle seeing her moving on.

 

It's a quick fix at best staying in contact when your still hurting but everyone is different

[davesterr]

I guess for as long as i can remember, all i did was worry, stress and overthink about how to reach the point of destination while i never even started my journey yet.

I think you're right and it's time for me to start walking forward instead of staying stuck in the past.

I just hope i can find the inner strength to do it.

 

And to betterdeal. You're also right.

I noticed whenever i talked to her, i could fake myself and tell her jokes to make her laugh and give her compliments yet i was always torn inside.

It was like a bittersweet conversation everytime we talked leaving with mostly a bitter aftertaste.

I truely hope maybe some day i can talk to her again like the old self i used to be.

Without acting like she's a glass with me being the water trying to fit her based on thinking what to say or even going as far as asking all of my friends what to say.

When i can just talk to her in a normal fun way like we used to instead of stressing and trying to only tell her the things i think she would want to hear.

But untill then i think staying nc is the only way to go no matter how much it hurts because i know if i dont then it will never heal.

In the end it all comes down to believing in a better future and that we will reunite as friends.

I guess thats something worth living for after all aslong as i know that i can handle all the possible worst what if situations by being completely over her or atleast to no longer still only live for her and actually being alright without her. Hopefully i can do this.

Thanks alot for all the support everyone.

Im going through a tough time but i really appreciate it all!

And il try to give my best advice back to anyone who wants it.

Thank you.

Edited October 18, 2011 by davesterr

[betterdeal]

You're welcome. Remember that what you do now is about you, and finding internal peace often comes down to changing external things. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, socialise, live, love learn

 

You're now in a very interesting time in your life. This is a time when you can get to know yourself better and to shape your world to suit you. Want to skydive? Do it. Want to become an osteopath? Do it. Be true to yourself and remember, the past is just the prologue. The future is the real story and it's waiting for you to write it.