I just dont know what to do?

[Delissa]

Posted by Delissa on Monday, 18 September 2000, at 3:47 p.m.

 

I am newly married to a( most would say a wonderful) man 1 month and 4 days. I knew the kinds of things he did before I married him. I did not marry him thinking he would change, besides you cant change anyone they have to change themselves. I did think that I could overcome them.

 

I know he loves me without a doubt and that is not the problem. I think my husband may be so insecure that he uses me to make himself feel better. He has *69 my phone and redialed my phone calls. He has told me when I got ready to go places that he was feeling insecure. If I lea e and he doesnt know anything about it he automatically assumes that I am with someone. I told him I would not do that to him. I will not suffer for infidelity. And he doesnt deserve to be treated that way.

 

I am a happy, very confident, self oriented, well grounded, spiritual woman. People have always thought I was stuck up because of how well I carry myself. Its just that I have a lot of class about myself.

 

My husband does subtle things in our relationship that insult me and hurt my feelings at the same time. Nothing that he does is direct that is why I am having such a hard time. ( this is driving me crazy)

 

Sometimes I catch him on the sly with a look of disgust, every thing I say he changes it around and makes me seem like im the one with the problem. When i am talking about something he responds as if im talking about something else ( he is not hearing me). If I ask him to go to the store and get me something, he gets the wrong 95% of the time.

 

Its as if I cant ask him to do anything for me because if I do im afraid he will get it wrong. He is condesending and passive agressive to the point where it offends me. You have no idea what this is doing to me on the inside. I keep rationalizing this in my mind, but in my heart he is such an ugly person, he is so ugly that I dont know how I feel about him anymore.

 

I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THE KINDS OF THINGS HE DOES THEY ARE SSOOOOOO DAMN HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS, I CANT EXPLAIN THEM, they are in his actions. His actions they bring me down, I feel like myself esteem is being lowered. That is why we fight, I feel like I am fighting him to keep everything that I am, everything that I believe in, Fighting to keep ME!

 

I talked to him until I am blue in the face, I have talked to alot of people and I am still battling! He says that its me and why do I think this way? I say why are you so happy and im not? Therefore I dont believe it is something that im doing.

 

He says I am supposed to be submissive. I asked him if thats what he wanted and he said to me JUST DO IT! I told him he has the wrong woman for his attitude. He didnt say anything.

 

I feel like he wants me to be so submissive until there is no more ME left, and I cant do that. I told him I can submit, but not to the point where I lose myself. Plus, you have to give to receive. I do all the compromising for the good of our relationship and it is killing me on the inside. And all the while he is just fine. Because he feels as if he winning, he is winning alright but its at my expense, and I am miserable.

 

I dont know how I feel abouthim anymore, I know I Love Him but there is more to love than just saying I Love Him. He says I have attitude time,WELL.................DUH! I wonder why? I know the kind of woman that I am and I know what I have to give to any man, and he knows this.

 

I was in a relationship for 10 years before I met and married my husband now. That relationship was so immature and I will not go that route again. I have learn and have taken with me everything that I know to make another relationship work and last.

 

This is the longest my husband has every been in a relationship. I know he needs to grow and I know he doesnt have the experience behind him that I have ( he is 27 and I am 29) but the problems at hand are within ones self and they have nothing to do with age or experience.

 

Within himself what I see is a very ugly person, and it is causing me to fall out of love, and not like him at all. I have gotten bitter, my heart has been scarred, I am pushing him away now and i dont want him touching me, I can imagine how he feels about all this but I cant help it, he act as if im the one that has to do the giving all the time.

 

I never used to be like this with him, it was always about him. There is nothing that I wouldnt do for my MAN! I am hurting so deeply. Please any advice would help

[Tony T]

IN YOUR VERY FIRST PARAGRAPH, YOU WROTE: "I am newly married to a( most would say a wonderful) man 1 month and 4 days. I knew the kinds of things he did before I married him. I did not marry him thinking he would change, besides you cant change anyone they have to change themselves. I did think that I could overcome them."

 

So you married him thinking you could overcome this, or change your attitude about his behavior, and you have found you cannot? So you have found you do not have the control over your own self that you may have thought? This is a serious mistake you made.

 

It seems you have taken an inventory of your feelings in this matter and, even though this man has not changed and is fully what he represented he was prior to marriage and you married him anyway, without duress, knowing these things, you are not able to tolerate these behaviors.

 

I really don't see that he will ever change, particularly if you have pointed these things out to him and sufficiently pleaded with him to modify his behavior for the sake of the relationship.

 

My advice is for you to realize that you have learned another lesson in life, cut your losses short, seek an annulment of this very short union, apologize to him for thinking that YOU could change yourself in order to put up with his crap, and just forget about it.

 

Why drive yourself nuts? Life is just to short, I don't care how nice he is. If you can't accept him as he is, let him find someone who can. There are just way way too many men in this world to put yourself through misery for a lifetime.

 

This is the first time I have witnessesed a case where the woman couldn't change and man so she hoped she could change enough herself to tolerate what she didn't like in her man. It just doesn't work that way.

[Jenna]

You wrote: "I am a happy, very confident, self oriented, well grounded, spiritual woman. People have always thought I was stuck up because of how well I carry myself. Its just that I have a lot of class about myself."

 

Where is this person now?? THIS person would know what to do. Find her- and put her back in charge of your life.

 

If you have not done anything to make him distrust you- you need to accept that he has issues that you can not help him with.

 

Have you suggested counseling to help him sort through the reasons for his behavior? If he is willing- this might help him- and help you to understand how to be patient while he is working through it. If he is not willing to get help- you have 2 choices- learn to live with it- or leave.

 

I would never suggest that someone end their marriage as a first option- I think (being an eternal optimist) that almost all failing marriages can be saved- but not with out hard work and devotion.

 

Evaluate your feelings for this man- if you find in your heart that you love him too much to end it- try to get him into therapy -soon.

 

Good Luck- Jenna

 

Posted by Delissa on Monday, 18 September 2000, at 3:47 p.m. I am newly married to a( most would say a wonderful) man 1 month and 4 days. I knew the kinds of things he did before I married him. I did not marry him thinking he would change, besides you cant change anyone they have to change themselves. I did think that I could overcome them. I know he loves me without a doubt and that is not the problem. I think my husband may be so insecure that he uses me to make himself feel better. He has *69 my phone and redialed my phone calls. He has told me when I got ready to go places that he was feeling insecure. If I lea e and he doesnt know anything about it he automatically assumes that I am with someone. I told him I would not do that to him. I will not suffer for infidelity. And he doesnt deserve to be treated that way.

 

I am a happy, very confident, self oriented, well grounded, spiritual woman. People have always thought I was stuck up because of how well I carry myself. Its just that I have a lot of class about myself. My husband does subtle things in our relationship that insult me and hurt my feelings at the same time. Nothing that he does is direct that is why I am having such a hard time. ( this is driving me crazy) Sometimes I catch him on the sly with a look of disgust, every thing I say he changes it around and makes me seem like im the one with the problem. When i am talking about something he responds as if im talking about something else ( he is not hearing me). If I ask him to go to the store and get me something, he gets the wrong 95% of the time. Its as if I cant ask him to do anything for me because if I do im afraid he will get it wrong. He is condesending and passive agressive to the point where it offends me. You have no idea what this is doing to me on the inside. I keep rationalizing this in my mind, but in my heart he is such an ugly person, he is so ugly that I dont know how I feel about him anymore. I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THE KINDS OF THINGS HE DOES THEY ARE SSOOOOOO DAMN HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS, I CANT EXPLAIN THEM, they are in his actions. His actions they bring me down, I feel like myself esteem is being lowered. That is why we fight, I feel like I am fighting him to keep everything that I am, everything that I believe in, Fighting to keep ME! I talked to him until I am blue in the face, I have talked to alot of people and I am still battling! He says that its me and why do I think this way? I say why are you so happy and im not? Therefore I dont believe it is something that im doing. He says I am supposed to be submissive. I asked him if thats what he wanted and he said to me JUST DO IT! I told him he has the wrong woman for his attitude. He didnt say anything.

 

I feel like he wants me to be so submissive until there is no more ME left, and I cant do that. I told him I can submit, but not to the point where I lose myself. Plus, you have to give to receive. I do all the compromising for the good of our relationship and it is killing me on the inside. And all the while he is just fine. Because he feels as if he winning, he is winning alright but its at my expense, and I am miserable.

 

I dont know how I feel abouthim anymore, I know I Love Him but there is more to love than just saying I Love Him. He says I have attitude time,WELL.................DUH! I wonder why? I know the kind of woman that I am and I know what I have to give to any man, and he knows this.

 

I was in a relationship for 10 years before I met and married my husband now. That relationship was so immature and I will not go that route again. I have learn and have taken with me everything that I know to make another relationship work and last. This is the longest my husband has every been in a relationship. I know he needs to grow and I know he doesnt have the experience behind him that I have ( he is 27 and I am 29) but the problems at hand are within ones self and they have nothing to do with age or experience. Within himself what I see is a very ugly person, and it is causing me to fall out of love, and not like him at all. I have gotten bitter, my heart has been scarred, I am pushing him away now and i dont want him touching me, I can imagine how he feels about all this but I cant help it, he act as if im the one that has to do the giving all the time. I never used to be like this with him, it was always about him. There is nothing that I wouldnt do for my MAN! I am hurting so deeply. Please any advice would help

[Delissa]

I dont want to change him! I just cant see how any one person can be the way he is. Its UGLY and it hurts me so much. I am not trying to change myself, You have no idea how well I know who I am.I feel he is trying to change me! That is why we fight because I wont be what and who it is he wants me to be. He wants me to be SUBMISSIVE! so much to a point where he is trying to make it happen.

IN YOUR VERY FIRST PARAGRAPH, YOU WROTE: "I am newly married to a( most would say a wonderful) man 1 month and 4 days. I knew the kinds of things he did before I married him. I did not marry him thinking he would change, besides you cant change anyone they have to change themselves. I did think that I could overcome them."

 

So you married him thinking you could overcome this, or change your attitude about his behavior, and you have found you cannot? So you have found you do not have the control over your own self that you may have thought? This is a serious mistake you made. It seems you have taken an inventory of your feelings in this matter and, even though this man has not changed and is fully what he represented he was prior to marriage and you married him anyway, without duress, knowing these things, you are not able to tolerate these behaviors. I really don't see that he will ever change, particularly if you have pointed these things out to him and sufficiently pleaded with him to modify his behavior for the sake of the relationship.

 

My advice is for you to realize that you have learned another lesson in life, cut your losses short, seek an annulment of this very short union, apologize to him for thinking that YOU could change yourself in order to put up with his crap, and just forget about it. Why drive yourself nuts? Life is just to short, I don't care how nice he is. If you can't accept him as he is, let him find someone who can. There are just way way too many men in this world to put yourself through misery for a lifetime.

 

This is the first time I have witnessesed a case where the woman couldn't change and man so she hoped she could change enough herself to tolerate what she didn't like in her man. It just doesn't work that way.

[Delissa]

He told me that I overwhelm him and he has never met anyone like me before. He thinks very highly of me. I always wondered if that has intimidated him to a point where he feels he has to be in control?

You wrote: "I am a happy, very confident, self oriented, well grounded, spiritual woman. People have always thought I was stuck up because of how well I carry myself. Its just that I have a lot of class about myself." Where is this person now?? THIS person would know what to do. Find her- and put her back in charge of your life. If you have not done anything to make him distrust you- you need to accept that he has issues that you can not help him with. Have you suggested counseling to help him sort through the reasons for his behavior? If he is willing- this might help him- and help you to understand how to be patient while he is working through it. If he is not willing to get help- you have 2 choices- learn to live with it- or leave. I would never suggest that someone end their marriage as a first option- I think (being an eternal optimist) that almost all failing marriages can be saved- but not with out hard work and devotion.

 

Evaluate your feelings for this man- if you find in your heart that you love him too much to end it- try to get him into therapy -soon.

 

Good Luck- Jenna

[Deejette]

We are living in the 21st century and no woman should have to be submissive to anyone. Marriage is not supposed to be slavery or a vehicle for total submersion of yourself. It is supposed to be a union of two equals who respect each other. Expecting a person to be submissive is not showing respect for the being that they are. Marriages don't last when there is no respect. And it sounds like not only does he not respect you, but you do not respect him for the ugliness he shows you.

I dont want to change him! I just cant see how any one person can be the way he is. Its UGLY and it hurts me so much. I am not trying to change myself, You have no idea how well I know who I am.I feel he is trying to change me! That is why we fight because I wont be what and who it is he wants me to be. He wants me to be SUBMISSIVE! so much to a point where he is trying to make it happen.

[Jenna]

You could be right- but he still needs to seek professional help-if your relationship is to survive.

 

Identifying the problem is a step in the right direction- but better left to a therapist for proper diagnosis. The next step is over-coming the problem that has been identified. My advice still stands from my earlier response.

 

Jenna

He told me that I overwhelm him and he has never met anyone like me before. He thinks very highly of me. I always wondered if that has intimidated him to a point where he feels he has to be in control?