Author Majkl Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 Help is greatly appreciated, sorry again for lengthy posts.. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Called her again to ask if this was what she really wanted, she let a hysterical laugh and hanged up on me. The difinition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over that gets the same cr*p results. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Help is greatly appreciated, sorry again for lengthy posts.. You are not listening to anything we say. Your very best chance at reconciliation, is to leave her the h*ll alone. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 . I got weak again and called her asking if she is seeing someone, she said no she is not .... and how she doesnt have time for this can we do this when her friend wasnt over. I said when are u free? she said 1 hour, i said call me once ure done. She hasnt called. . I know it feels right to reach out to her, to beg to her, to plead but it also feels 'right' to put the brakes on when your doing 80mph and a tyre bursts. Doing this 'right' thing is nearly sure to get you killed. The way to deal with it is what feels wrong ie gently slowing down , lifting off the power. The way to give your marriage a chance of your marriage survival is to do the very same. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Majkl Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 Yep, NOW what I keep doing is WRONG, and I have stopped that now, since wohoo 4 days. Whats being a bummer in this whole situation is me having to accept two things, first I contributed a lot towards this breakup, and two I probably shat on any chance of REC by being a wreck. Now that I actually KNOW what to do I cant because I already messed up. So it's double feeling crap, a) the guilt, b) the screwup after the breakup and acting like I have... AND YET the hope isnt dead and I keep hoping, this is not healthy... but I cant help it, just hate feeling like this... probably hardest thing for anyone here is to ACCEPT ITS OVER and focus on themselves and their kids but when you are as selfish as me and you want HER as well it becomes double the hard, I think im just immature... I have no other explanations for my behaviour, or I have some psychiatric problem - maybe being a Mhist and enjoying the self hurt over and over. Feel like a such failure... I think part of me wants her to tell me there is someone so I can cut any emotion away and try to move on knowing there's no hope, perhaps I am tired of this limbo crap and I want to be told over and over that it's over? Then again, I love my wife, I know I messed up, I think accepting all of this is very hard... And yet, seeing her as she moves on and plans her future without me like I never existed is ****ing hurtful and it makes me wonder if she ever loved me Link to post Share on other sites
russell1968 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Yep, NOW what I keep doing is WRONG, and I have stopped that now, since wohoo 4 days. Whats being a bummer in this whole situation is me having to accept two things, first I contributed a lot towards this breakup, and two I probably shat on any chance of REC by being a wreck. Now that I actually KNOW what to do I cant because I already messed up. So it's double feeling crap, a) the guilt, b) the screwup after the breakup and acting like I have... AND YET the hope isnt dead and I keep hoping, this is not healthy... but I cant help it, just hate feeling like this... probably hardest thing for anyone here is to ACCEPT ITS OVER and focus on themselves and their kids but when you are as selfish as me and you want HER as well it becomes double the hard, I think im just immature... I have no other explanations for my behaviour, or I have some psychiatric problem - maybe being a Mhist and enjoying the self hurt over and over. Feel like a such failure... I think part of me wants her to tell me there is someone so I can cut any emotion away and try to move on knowing there's no hope, perhaps I am tired of this limbo crap and I want to be told over and over that it's over? Then again, I love my wife, I know I messed up, I think accepting all of this is very hard... And yet, seeing her as she moves on and plans her future without me like I never existed is ****ing hurtful and it makes me wonder if she ever loved me Don't beat yourself up! You where not the one who gave up on your marriage. Give her the seperation she wants with a smile on your face, take this time to work on yourself, you are still young! Get out and about, stay busy, go to the gym re-connect with old friends. Remember you cannot control your wife, but you can control yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I'm going to say this very point blankly. Women cannot remain in love with a man that they do not/can not respect. A woman cannot respect a man that she can walk all over, or one who fawns and begs and pleads to get her back when she treats him like dirt. Your wife will not respect you if you continue to pursue her, if you continue to accept all the blame and scorn she's heaped upon you. And if you keep doing that, there is no way that she'll fall back in love with you. Man up. Start taking care of yourself and your kids instead. Focus on them, on yourself, and realize that she's no longer the woman you fell in love with. Spend your time and energy and focus on yourself, and your kids. Start working out what steps may be needed if you have to file for divorce, and/or protect yourself and your kids from her greed and immaturity during that process. Stop chasing after her. Stop hoping she'll change her mind. Stop calling/emailing/texting her. Let her go. It has two benefits...it'll make you stronger and ready for the day when she really is completely and totally gone...and it'll make you a much more attractive man, either to her, or to the next woman you meet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Majkl Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 I am trying to make peace with myself now that she doesnt want to be with me anymore, saying I dont love you, I'm not attracted to you anymore I dont miss you speech sums it all up... What I am angry and hurt about is that she isnt even willing to give it a chance to work? MC & giving me the chance to become a man she fell in love with because I did drift from my path... no she is just cold and cut me out and is set on moving on without caring what happens to me or how I feel... or what has happened to our family That really sucks and it hurts... to know she is dealing with this one million times better than me also makes me MAD MAD MAD. I'd have given my life for her... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 OK...time to change your mindset. Even your last post was all "her, her, her". Enough of that. Stop focusing on her...start working out a gameplan for what YOU are going to do NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredReality Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 I am with Owl here. I have been trying to tell you this all along. You have changes to make...first is to figure out why you acted the ways that you did that drove her away in the first place. If you don't you'll never get her back and you'll drive away the next woman as well. You will repeat your mistakes until you learn from them. You may or may not reconcile with her - but stop concentrating on that. Take care of your child! If you just skulk away like a puppy being chased with a water bottle that child will grow up with abandonment issues on top of whatever other issues they'll get from this situation and future situations. We cannot stop our kids from suffering circumstances of life - but we can make a concerted effort not to contribute unnecessarily to their future therapy bills. She will gain more respect from watching you be a good father than she ever will from watching you wither away in self pity and sorrow. Stop concentrating on what you've lost and instead recognize what you have to gain. You can make improvements to yourself which may get her to notice you again, but ultimately can make you a better father and better husband - either for her or in the future. You should probably get into some therapy and really analyze the roots of some of your personal issues. She won't recognize a single change you make if you continue to live far away. Your son will miss you terribly and begin to forget his father. You will have run away with your tail between your legs from yet another rough situation. Like I said before...what she's going through now is a mental break of sorts. She snapped. You can't force her to see the mistakes she's making...but you might be able to help her calm her anger down. Don't agree to anything unfair or unreasonable, but if you want to be a man then come home and take care of your son. If you need a mediator get one...like I said before - you can enter into counseling...you might even be able to get her to go with you. Tell her you're trying to become better and since she knows best the more negative attributes to your personality, her presence would be good. Then it can be a session for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Majkl Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 9 days no contact at all, i think she's having EA online with a dude from another country... i think she met him when she was gone for 3 days with her girlfriend on a seminar and she 'fell' for him since things at home were so 'bad'. im pretty hurt and starting to get angry now..... how can women just hop to the next train just like that? Link to post Share on other sites
toosoft Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 9 days no contact at all, i think she's having EA online with a dude from another country... i think she met him when she was gone for 3 days with her girlfriend on a seminar and she 'fell' for him since things at home were so 'bad'. im pretty hurt and starting to get angry now..... how can women just hop to the next train just like that? Dude, he will never match up to you... you deserve better, get in the mindset that she is 'lost' - move on, get out there and have fun. If she does come back in the future, you will be in a stronger place. You getting angry is only effecting you, not her! Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) I'm afraid the first 5 responses summed it up. Ask her to go to counselling, she will refuse because, 'it's too late'. And that will be your answer, she has already moved on well before you moved out. You have 2 babies & she wants you out of the house? There is more to it than she simply doesn't feel the same anymore. Taking your partner for granted is the ultimate sin in a relationship because the first creep who comes along & shows her any attention, despite the fact that she's a married woman, will win her over. It does happen both ways, BTW. Get your financials in order & remember the MOST important thing through all of this is your children. 'You will always be their dad &, despite what you may think of her, always remember; she will always be your children's mother to them'. BTW, that's one of those things you can write in stone so you never forget. I am sorry for what you are going through & wish you the best. Quite literally, millions are going through this every day, it's truly sad how we treat one another. Edited October 26, 2011 by oldguy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Majkl Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) I am willing to do all of those things, she is not, I get it's ''too late'' something 'broke' in her. She can never see me with the same eyes again... I think you're right about granted part but I would have never done it to her, not in a million years and I could have x y times with better looking women... I put too much of me in work thinking she's strong enough... and this period only lasted around 8 months and i was making 5x money than I used to? IT DID NOT MATTER TO HER, work came first before her and she couldnt let that go? I dont find this fair.... and not to even give me a CHANCE after I said ok, I'll do what needs to be done... I just wanted to secure a future for us god damnit. I dont smoke, I dont sleep around, I took care of our son 30% of the time while she was at university, I dont drink. I just think she's starving for attention, and not even from me, she wants to be recognized by others, women/friends/students, I dont know really... Edited October 26, 2011 by Majkl Link to post Share on other sites
toosoft Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 I dont find this fair.... and not to even give me a CHANCE after I said ok, I'll do what needs to be done... I just wanted to secure a future for us god damnit Buddy, I sat and thought the same thing... the sooner you let go, the sooner you have a chance of getting her back. Letting her do what she wants, using actions to demonstrate your an improved person, putting your kids as top priority and protecting your heart are all things that need to happen. She wont want you while your frustrated, angry, needy and weak. If in the end she doesn't notice you and come after you, it was never ment to be anyway and you'll be a better person, ready to present yourself to the woman who is right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Majkl Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 I just know that this ****ing blows, my family is gone, the dream of it is gone, and now she says she never wanted a family, a kid, housewife life. She now wants career and wants to live free student life... I mean I do try to understand her and I know I could have been A LOT BETTER, but I cant shake of the feeling I deserved more from her in ways of really telling me that she was gonna go to her limit, lets go to MC... nothing she just kept bottling it to the point of where she broke... How can attention from others be so powerful to break a family? I'm sitting here blaming myself for this, but also I am so angry at her for doing this to us... She doesn't even bother to contact me at all, acts as if I never existed Link to post Share on other sites
toosoft Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 I just know that this ****ing blows, my family is gone, the dream of it is gone, and now she says she never wanted a family, a kid, housewife life. She now wants career and wants to live free student life... I mean I do try to understand her and I know I could have been A LOT BETTER, but I cant shake of the feeling I deserved more from her in ways of really telling me that she was gonna go to her limit, lets go to MC... nothing she just kept bottling it to the point of where she broke... How can attention from others be so powerful to break a family? I'm sitting here blaming myself for this, but also I am so angry at her for doing this to us... She doesn't even bother to contact me at all, acts as if I never existed Your still doing it! Man up! Time to shift the focus from her to YOU. You've been shat on, dont let it steal anymore of your time, get out there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Majkl Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 What kind of man comforts a woman & they suddenly ''fall'' for each other? She probably told him her sad story of how bad her life is... God is great... one way or another she will learn what she threw away Link to post Share on other sites
Author Majkl Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 Your still doing it! Man up! Time to shift the focus from her to YOU. You've been shat on, dont let it steal anymore of your time, get out there! I'd pay insane amount of money not to CARE or feel like this, I am doing everything to keep myself busy, I work, I go to gym 5x a week, I hang out with my friends, I see my son every day. Why am I the one who got SHAT on now and she is living a perfect life? Why the hell do I suffer so much? Why is grief & guilt so powerful, and how can she have none? You are right, I need to stop about her, but its so FRESH and so damn hard for me to accept that not even after 2 months passed and as if I never exited... Link to post Share on other sites
toosoft Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 I'd pay insane amount of money not to CARE or feel like this, I am doing everything to keep myself busy, I work, I go to gym 5x a week, I hang out with my friends, I see my son every day. Why am I the one who got SHAT on now and she is living a perfect life? Why the hell do I suffer so much? Why is grief & guilt so powerful, and how can she have none? You are right, I need to stop about her, but its so FRESH and so damn hard for me to accept that not even after 2 months passed and as if I never exited... She's in the FOG mate. Right now as I type, my ex is with her boyfriend and my kids 50 yards from where I am - sat in her FOG. I can look out my window and see her house and car. If I sat here and thought about things long enough, id be swinging from the rafters. I let go a few days ago and its not been easy, but I do realise I deserve better my friend! Link to post Share on other sites
toosoft Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 Thinking of your and my situation and with my love of poetry, I just wrote this: The pain and tightness dulls As I slacken my grip on you Your wings a new Stretched out before me A tentative leap as you flap Be free my love Fly away, but not too far I pray Id love to fly with you Together, just me and you One day, soon Link to post Share on other sites
Author Majkl Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 Christ the selfcontrol you must have... I read here and I admire so many of you... I just cant believe that women are capable of moving on like taking a walk in the park. I dont want to even imagine seeing her with OM and my kid but it's a reality I might have to face soon... Why does this have to be so difficult lol. I wish I could be one of those strong guys and say **** her I deserve better, I deserve more after everything we have been through, but then the guilt kicks in... ''you are the one who caused her drift'' '' you are the one who ignored her pleads''... now lie how you have made your bed dumbass Link to post Share on other sites
toosoft Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 Christ the selfcontrol you must have... I read here and I admire so many of you... I just cant believe that women are capable of moving on like taking a walk in the park. I dont want to even imagine seeing her with OM and my kid but it's a reality I might have to face soon... Why does this have to be so difficult lol. I wish I could be one of those strong guys and say **** her I deserve better, I deserve more after everything we have been through, but then the guilt kicks in... ''you are the one who caused her drift'' '' you are the one who ignored her pleads''... now lie how you have made your bed dumbass Its as easy as saying it.... you will be dying inside, but you need to seem strong and unbothered on the outside. If need be, leave and roar your eyes out, but do not show her weakness in any form!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Majkl Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 Man, I feel so much embarassment, I begged her family/friends for help, can only imagine how pathetic I seemed, but at that point in my mind I didnt care about self respect, I only cared about my family and didnt want to 'let go'. I would have done worse things were it a price to pay then because I just wated to 'fix it'. Worst of it all her family wanted to help me, but then she fed them with you dont know how i felt all this time, he was controlling not letting me do this and that etc etc so now they accepted her decision, as they say blood isn't water. Anyhow... I just need to deal with the remorse and guilt I feel to be able to let go, because I am really blaming myself for her drifting away, specially knowing she did try to get through to me but I dismissed it taking her for granted thinking she had no options but to comply because I thought what I thought was right and she was wrong. Reading a lot of books and starting to realize how ****ed up and unfair/unjust I was towards her I was and how it must have made her feel lonely and why wasn't I on her side. I was just selfish. I cant forgive myself for that, I dont think I ever will be. But I know I will have to put it behind me in order to get better and move on... and never forget a lesson I learned here... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Majkl Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 I mean... even if she was with OM now or she was in love with someone else could I really blame her for it after everything I have done? Honestly I dont think I could... I am trying not to blame her for not giving us a chance to work on our problems... I dont know anymore what is fair and what is not... I feel I deserve this suffering. Link to post Share on other sites
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