In need of guidance... can't let go...

[debtman]

majkl,

 

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for...because you WILL get through this.

 

It doesn't matter what she says, does or feels right now. She's in a state of confusion, denial and guilt avoidance and will do/say/think whatever it takes for her to justify her decision to herself. My stbx said some incredibly nasty things to me. I still have all of her emails about how the entire failed relationship was my fault, how horrible I was to her, how I never supported her, etc. It took me a good 8 months before I finally started to find happiness within myself. Before that, I spent a good 3 months "acting" like I was fine and happy and going as LC/NC as I could. I followed the 180, but, it might have been easier for me because she was with OM and took much delight in telling me how incredible he was.

 

Funny, all I did was focus on myself and my kids and, when she and OM finally realized that the grass wasn't really greener, she started talking reconciliation, taking some of the responsibility for the relationship, etc. By that time, I had seen enough of her issues to know that we'd end up right back where we were and I wouldn't subject myself or my kids to that again. I'm finally much happier than I've been in a long time and I know I'll eventually find someone who wants a partner.

 

It sounds like you're making some headway, but don't rush it. You're on an emotional rollercoaster with ups and downs. Eventually, it will steady out and you'll start to feel like your "old" self, only better, because you'll be in touch with those emotions you went through.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Majkl]

I caved and sent her an email after 20 days NC. I should have just drafted it and not mail it, what was I thinking?

 

I wrote how I understand how she felt and how sorry I am, how I am changing and I am willing to go slowly if she would give us a chance, how she shouldnt be scared to try, I meant all of those things but what was I thinking? GOSH somebody slap me.

Because she is scared to try thinking it would all be the same and there is no point in that, I said we're both different people now & it takes two to work problems through and that its easy to quit when everyone around us is quitting and real relationship take work and they're not easy.

 

SLAP ME SOMEONE DAMN

 

I was even crying while writing the email god damnit what a pathetic sap, insane masochist obviously. Gonna get some therapy, clearly working on myself and keeping busy is not enough.

I panicked... damnit

Edited November 3, 2011 by Majkl

[debtman]

Majkl,

 

You've got to stop contacting her. Every time you do, it pushes her further away. PLEASE, write the email, just DON'T send it! I've got LOTS of emails I wrote to my stbx, but I never wrote them.

 

Remember, you're on an emotional roller coaster. DON'T make decisions without giving yourself plenty of time to hit the next loop or dip so you can make sure it's the right thing to do.

 

Don't let yourself appear desperate. I know you want to get back together, but she doesn't want a desperate man.

 

Listen to the advice on here. Focus on yourself and your son. Focus on stabilizing your emotions. Focus on being the best man and dad you can be. She'll see that. Let her go out there and find other guys. It won't take long before she realizes that many of them are jerks and will take her for granted or cast her aside when they're done and she might start to realize that you're really a good person and that you've made changes to yourself. Of course, by that time, you might realize that you have already moved on and that she wasn't the person you thought she was.

 

Stick to 180 and stick to NC/LC as much as possible. Focus on yourself and your son...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Majkl]

She came online and spoke to me, said she couldnt read past first four lines that it was too long for her. How she is unwilling to do anything and I am closed chapter to her, she is happy being single, she is dating already as well. I tried to bring MC up, didnt matter to her, she is simply unwilling and I have too strong will and personality and we would never work and she is done with it. I said we can work our problems through, she said she doesnt want to, she likes being independant.

 

And that it doesnt matter to her that I have changed she thinks she didnt love me now for a while and I should just stop trying to convince her or push and that she is sorry but her and I is not going to happen and that she is sure of it. No matter what it is fact is she does not want to be with me because she does not miss me I am not a part of her life and that I have to accept that and move on, she has. And all I am doing now is making her feel bad when she is in a good place telling her she quit and that she is happy now and why do I want to ruin it for her. I said she's not being fair, we have a child together, she said I am not being fair either I am not giving her the chance to make decisions in her life, she decided she does not want to be with me and yet I wont accept it.

 

She says all of me is what she does not want, I am too consuming as a person. She will live her own life and that will never be possible with me. Then I said its not fair not to give me a chance to show this, she replied that I had my say in it for the last 4 years.

 

She says she cannot work with someone like me, she is scared to be dragged back into my claws and how she will not be tricked into something she does not want that she cant even break it off with me even now. Then I tried to say some things, her reply is that I learned my lesson now and so has she. That she is sorry for the pain I am going through now.

 

So thats it I gave it my best, I said ok I accept your decision and I will respect it.

 

I'm officially done guys. This hurts like someone ran me over, thoughts that my kid wont be with me all the time anymore is devastating. I wanted to do MC and all of that, she kept saying she's unwilling and she is happy alone and thats it.

I'm ****ing devastated. I'd give anything for this not to be what it is.

 

Debtman, I know her as a person, once her mind is set and goes on there is no going back, I've lost her for good now my brother. I dont see her coming back to me ever again and this is what pains me the most in the whole world.

 

How can I just pick myself up now and move on, start again? How can she already be dating (with several guys but nothing serious apparently) and having fun and being happy being single and independant. I am certain person in her mind and she cant let go of that and I dont think she ever will. I really tried to say let's go to MC, work our problems - many couples have - love has returned, let me show you I changed, I can't show you I changed like this from here. No, not willing, decided. She's a very proud and stubborn person so I guess this was the last straw for me.

I have to let go now or it will kill me.

Edited November 3, 2011 by Majkl

[debtman]

majkl,

 

So sorry for your pain. We know how you feel and what you're going through. The best advice I can give you is to take this opportunity to move on. Focus on yourself and your child. Let her go...she's gone. Work on yourself, learn from this experience so that the next relationship you have will be that much better.

 

You have no choice but to pick yourself back up. You owe it to yourself AND to your son. You will be involved with her for the rest of your life because of your son. You'll see her throw herself back out into the world and, eventually, you may see her realize what she had, that you've changed, etc. or not. But, the best thing you can do is make the changes you need to avoid this happening in your next relationship and be a good example for your son.

 

You'll get through this. Remember, this is a temporary situation. Time will heal the pain and you WILL move on and things WILL get better.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Majkl]

Thanks debtman,

 

I am done, I realize that she put herself above everything now, me, my son, family, happiness, is unwilling to work on the problems or issues, unwilling to do MC.

She is having too much fun and is happy. So be it, I will rather break then spit in my own face again, I am done, I will find a person that will be willing to fight when there are problems and work it out. I've done enough self blame here, 3 months should have been enough for her for at least 1 breadcrum, not even that, what kind of person treats someone they spent 4 years of their life with this coldness and not caring.

 

I will never put myself through this hell again, ever again in my life, I am worth more

[ShatteredReality]

I'm so sorry Maj, so hear she won't give it another shot. I can't say I am out of my seat shocked, though. Like I said...something snapped...it's going to take a long time for her thinking to become clear again. And if she goes through a string of really bad relationships and really bad decisions because of her current mental state?? Well it could take even longer. She's not herself right now. Yes, she feels liberated and more relaxed and such...I remember taking a vacation for a week with some girlfriends. I was more than 2hrs drive from home, so no one could just call me and tell me to "come home right now" or anything of the sort. I had spotty cell service, so calls during the day didn't come through and interrupt our aimless wandering from shop to shop while spending little to no $. It was fantastic. That was the winter before my own mental break. I came home from that trip and never fully came home. I realized on that trip just how much of myself was being neglected...just how little I was actually taking care of myself. I spent years telling friends "You're no good to your family if you don't take care of you" but not actually following that advice myself. What happened next was I went from one extreme to the other. My husband still demanded much of my time and energy, but I began to take care of myself first, then him. He noticed, I think, so it made him push harder for my time and attention. I grew apart from him in my way - even though he didn't recognize it. I finally realized I thought of him more like a roommate with sex benefits than a husband. I knew I loved him...but I began to realize that the way he treated me...the way he made me feel - it wasn't worth sticking around for. That I could love him until I was blue in the face but it wouldn't make him treat me right. That was when I decided to leave. Once that decision was made the last little drops of "in love" I felt melted away. That is when I left myself vulnerable to the advances of another man.

 

From my H's perspective it must have seemed like I just up and gave up - but it was truly a process. It took a long time...it was nearly a year from the time I came back from that trip to when I planned to leave...and that was in our 8th yr of marriage, so there were many years before it where our relationship was chipped away here or there...each name he called me, each object he threw... Now he really wasn't physically abusive - let's be clear there - but he was extremely verbally and mentally abusive. We tell our kids sticks and stones - but in reality...words can hurt just as bad or worse! It tears you up from the inside out...like a cancer that cannot be diagnosed with a simple test or biopsy. And if you don't ever take care of it you eventually break into a thousand tiny pieces inside - it isn't something that a person who hasn't gone through it can comprehend. It's like trying to explain pink to a blind person, what it's like to have ADD to someone who really doesn't, insomnia to a narcoleptic....need I go on?

 

I feel awful for your pain...I also feel I can understand to a degree her position as well. You do need to pick up and move forward from here. Try not to hate her - she's the mother of your child and you will always have her as a part of your life because of that. Best to fix yourself and make yourself worth the time and attention of another woman, but to keep things on an even keel with her. Leaving you was likely one of the most difficult things she's ever done in her entire life. Not going back to you is because of that- her fear won't allow her to see the changes you've made as real for a long time yet. I'm three years down the road with my H and sometimes I fear I made the wrong decision in staying. Sometimes he regresses for a little while...a couple of weeks, or a month here or there...and I wonder if I can live that life again, did I trap myself. No matter which choice we ultimately make - we always wonder what the outcome would have been of the other one.

[Majkl]

Thanks for the reply, yeah she just said, I havent changed my mind and I dont think I will... and she will not be tricked into my claws again... that i am a closed chapter and she can not be with a person with me who is strong willed/minded controling, despite me saying i would never be that person, he is dead burried... ''doesnt matter''

'' i dont want you''

 

so i have no choice but to move on, i died inside today and i dont know if i will ever recover, but i have to

[ffw]

so i have no choice but to move on, i died inside today and i dont know if i will ever recover, but i have to

 

You will with time. Think it as you are climbing up a mountain. Once you get to the top, the other is much more smooth. One day, you will wake up & reliaze that all her memories have become distant. When the time is right, you will fall in love again. Just hang on for time being.

[ShatteredReality]

You will with time. Think it as you are climbing up a mountain. Once you get to the top, the other is much more smooth. One day, you will wake up & reliaze that all her memories have become distant. When the time is right, you will fall in love again. Just hang on for time being.

 

Definitely agree here - and don't let this jade you and make you forever angry. Keep improving yourself. Do it for you and for your kids...but if it helps - you can become that newer and improved you and at some point she'll regret not having stuck things out to get to experience that side of you.

 

Let yourself feel the pain...it's the best way to cope rather than burying it...and know you have a support group here at least to help you get through this.

[Majkl]

I am not angry, I am just sad and dissapointed to what has my life turned into.

 

Only thing I got moving me atm is my son and my work, she is gone. She chose not to work on problems, she gave up when she left me she said. I find this incredibly unjust and unfair to our family and life that we shared.

 

On top of that to know now that she is seeing several guys on dates and such?

Christ who is this person. Going out every day/clubbing hanging at bars & such.... I'm not trying to judge here, I just dont understand how can someone change so fast, actually I dont think she changed, she just couldnt do those things before with me, she was always this person I just refused to believe it and I thought she would eventually settle in her mind.

 

Sad part is that she is out there having time of her life enjoying herself and being happy according to her, while I am here hollow and empty trying to pick myself up from the floor. I just can't shake the feeling off that I deserved more, I ****ing deserved a chance to show I can pull this through with her. But when she says she doesnt love me or that she only feels friendship for me, and that she doesnt miss me, what more can I do? I said I know that's not true, and I know that you still love me, you just chose this fun life because you hated your life with me... Her reply was ''whatever''.

 

Either she never loved me or she did but didnt love/accept the life she got, family and boredom of it to her I guess... Christ this is so bull**** and unfair and unjust, I can live with her ego and her pedestaling herself first, she can do that I can understand the need for it, I would even take care of my son at home while she went through this youth thing, but thats not what she wants, she doesnt want me or she doesnt trust that I could really be ok with her living that lifestyle...

 

I dont know I tried to tell her I would .. I mean i probably am completely retarded for refusing to hear the words she is telling me, they should be enough to any normal person: I only feel friendship for you now, I dont miss you, I think I stopped loving you before I just didnt realize it, I dont want you, I choose other guy's she's seeing over you. I choose my solo life over you.

Need I say more?

 

So why is it so damn hard to let go and accept that this is it?

After all of this? I still want this woman back and I still love her?

When it is clear that she doesnt feel the same for me?

Love is bull****, I chose to love her through anything... I cant think anything but that she chose the easy road now, she quit and gave up...

Edited November 5, 2011 by Majkl

[Steadfast]

So why is it so damn hard to let go and accept that this is it? After all of this? I still want this woman back and I still love her? When it is clear that she doesnt feel the same for me? Love is bull****, I chose to love her through anything... I cant think anything but that she chose the easy road now, she quit and gave up...

 

The deeper the hole, the longer it takes to crawl out. It's the same with love. Profound pain is profoundly difficult to overcome. But you will.

 

You wouldn't be normal if you felt any other way. Right now, you're experiencing the early stages of grief and disbelief. That'll slowly turn into other emotions until you slowly reach the point of indifference. When someone stops loving you (or it seems like they do) the love you have for them stops being fed. In time, it starves to death and that, like everything else, is something you'll have to live through. You will. And you'll have to.

 

And speaking of her, I doubt very much if she has completely stopped loving you. IMO, she's putting up a stone wall to discourage any hope of you being together because she sincerely wants to be single. Right now. Believe me when I say once you give up...when days you don't speak or see her turn into weeks and months, she'll act and feel much differently.

 

But don't read too much into it. It's human nature. People often want what they don't have...or used to have. She will feel the loss and live with it long after you've moved on. This is the price of weakness and betrayal. Because of that, do not add to her burden or seek revenge. It'll come on its own.

 

Hour to hour and day by day. Get your feet under you, then walk. Keep posting.

[Majkl]

Thank you, that made me feel better.

[Majkl]

Update

 

This morning I found out she's seeing someone, took her long time, only a month or so to move on. I realize I really wasn't all that bad as I have chastised myself... She just didn't want me anymore or the life we shared. I feel used for some reason...

 

To think I was planning a future and relying on her to carry her part later on in the marriage after she was done with her university while I provided us with a solid ground...

 

I feel backstabbed, do I have any right to feel like that?

[Majkl]

I've moved to another country, decided to work from home, decided not to pursue further education while she still went in school, invested 4 years in her, helping her, puting up with her family, not having privacy i wanted, being more of a father than a husband, teaching her everything, and now that I became boring and having a family and responsibilities and me to tell her she should have limits because there are responsibilities towards the family and the child SHE decides that i am not the man for her she leaves me finds another man within 2 months???????? Now she can use everything she learned while being with me and make some other scumbag happy????????????????????????????????

ON TOP OF THAT TO HUMILIATE MYSELF AND CHASTISE MYSELF HOW I DID BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT TO LOSE HER AND I WAS BLIND WITH EMOTIONS?

I curse the day I met her and decided to go blindmode ape****

Edited November 6, 2011 by Majkl

[toosoft]

I can sympathise with how you feel. My W moved on very quickly too, within weeks. But it doesn't mean she's happy just yet... just keep the advice you've been given already, concentrate on you and your child(ren). I know its hard buddy, your going to sit there day and night letting all this go through your head over and over again... I know this, ive been there and im still on a rollercoaster even now. If you let the thoughts consume you, they will. Just try to be the better man, stand firm and be still. Resist needy/weak emails/contact to her, get doing things (gym, going out etc). You will feel better for being out and even if you and W never reconcile, it will get you back on track to having a life independent of her. Problem is with us men, we are too dependant on women, the polarity of relationships has changed and men are now more needy than women. Unfortunately, we need to 'man up' and regain our masculinity, that in its self will make us more attractive to women... maybe even the W....

[ShatteredReality]

I've moved to another country, decided to work from home, decided not to pursue further education while she still went in school, invested 4 years in her, helping her, puting up with her family, not having privacy i wanted, being more of a father than a husband, teaching her everything, and now that I became boring and having a family and responsibilities and me to tell her she should have limits because there are responsibilities towards the family and the child SHE decides that i am not the man for her she leaves me finds another man within 2 months???????? Now she can use everything she learned while being with me and make some other scumbag happy????????????????????????????????

ON TOP OF THAT TO HUMILIATE MYSELF AND CHASTISE MYSELF HOW I DID BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT TO LOSE HER AND I WAS BLIND WITH EMOTIONS?

I curse the day I met her and decided to go blindmode ape****

 

First off, and I don't know if this will help...but to YOU it only took her two months...but to HER - well she's been "leaving you" in her heart and mind for a lot longer than that. She left the marriage long before she actually left the marriage.

 

This is a terribly insensitive analogy - but it's sorta similar, so bear with me. Have you ever noticed a coworker who is a little burnt out - when they get another job? What happens? They ride out the last few weeks or months doing the bear minimum - but they're already gone right? They've "checked out"? That's what she did - a long time ago. Since I don't know you personally I cannot tell you how long ago this happened...but I'd say six months or more. I checked out for a couple years before I actually went what I like to refer to as temporarily insane.

 

Listen to Steadfast - his posts are invaluable. He's lived it and he's got a great way with advising you on how and where to go from here. I agree with everything he said in his post to you.

 

I know this is difficult...I wish I could help in some way other than to just empathize with you. Something you said - you said things weren't as bad as you were conveying them to be? How is that? It's important to try to keep things somewhat accurate in your perception. I say this because if you neglected or abused her (emotionally) then you need to recognize this so you don't do it to the next woman who comes along. Not so you can make amends to her or further offer yourself up on some sacrificial alter to her - but because it's important that you have a correct self view in order to heal properly and move forward with a bit more hope of something better. Realistically, if she was tolerating those things from you she was likely becoming less and less the woman she was in the beginning of your relationship. That would also be a cause for you to be less satisfied in the relationship as you lost respect for her. It's a vicious cycle - and breaking it now will do you worlds of good.

 

Do you still have plans to speak to a counselor of some sort to get an unbiased third party opinion?

[Steadfast]

Yes, you have a right to feel like she stabbed you in the back. You have a right to feel a lot of things, but ask yourself this; what will the rage accomplish? Or feeling sorry for yourself? I do understand...if this were easy to overcome, forums like this wouldn't be needed. It isn't easy, but it is possible. You must know this, believe it, then follow the process.

 

Lots of people advise against anger, but it's impossible in the beginning so use it to your advantage. Controlled, that anger can direct you to decide and act upon the fact that what your wife has put you through is unacceptable. For what it's worth, I did this and while my (now ex) was not happy that I wasn't willing to be her doormat, it eventually led to her regaining her respect for me. She didn't regain her desire (that I'm aware of) but it did allow me to finally let it go...all of it. The cheating, the lying, the wrongness of being with other men while I stayed home cooking, cleaning, taking care of our kids and losing everything. I lost it all.

 

But while I lost my stuff, I found myself. When I filed and the divorce was final, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. I no longer was being lied to, or cheated on. Since then, I've heard she's cheated on men one after another...and while I sincerely do not wish her pain and suffering, I felt good knowing I had escaped living that life. The difficulty of letting her go, the love I felt, the desire and the humiliation...they had left me and followed her. Why? Because she caused it, and took it with her. I do not know if this is your path, but I do know she cannot stop you from seeking happiness or a fulfilling life...unless you let her. Take it back. Let her go.

 

It starts with rejecting the betrayal, looking for, finding and correcting the faults you own, letting her off the hook (not for her, but for you...so you're not carrying around pain, anger or resentment) then healing in the knowledge that it's better to live a honest, loving life and being genuine.

 

And that's when your passions return. And maybe, someday, another love. If you truly seek strength, honesty, kindness and understanding, you'll have plenty of willing participants. No matter what your station in life is.

 

Do you still have plans to speak to a counselor of some sort to get an unbiased third party opinion?

 

This is critical. I do not advise professional counseling (you'll get better advice here for free) but a friend or support group is invaluable. Let them know beforehand what you need, then be prepared to pass on the favor.

 

Keep posting.