Can somebody relate? Paying for somebody else's sins.

[britlett]

Hi all,

 

I'm really hoping that someone out there has been through a similar thing - I feel like it would help me a lot to know.

 

I'm 22 and was a rather late bloomer - spent a lot of time terrified of boys so generally avoided them. About 4 years ago I met a guy four years older than me and it took a great deal of courage to make the decision to start dating him (I'm sure there are other out there that can at least relate to me in this respect?)

 

Anyways, I learnt the hard way that the longer you wait to have a boyfriend is not directly proportional to how health and good the relationship will be (how could i have been so silly anyways?!). Long story short - he had unprotected sex with two random girls in the months that we were getting to know each other. I didn't find this out until after dating him for about a year. Upon finding out I made the decision to forgive and forget - probably my first naive mistake. It took me a long time to get over the humiliation that comes with being cheated on but I did.

 

What makes this story so bad is that he became convinced that he had contracted HIV (living in South Africa this is not rare) the last two years have been spent going back and forth from hospitals and doctors with him for tests. He's forever finding symptoms and freaks out every time either one of us is sick. He's tested negative every time and this is not a fear that I have. He is now on prozac for obsessive compulsive disorder and as you can imagine this whole experience has been really disappointing and traumatizing for me.

 

I kick myself every day for having been so naive and showing such little self-respect through all of this. It hurts especially because I had such ideals for a first relationship and a first love (serves me right). The relationship has since ended but I'm just so curious to see how many others have had a similar experience and how you work through something like this?

 

Thanks!

[thatone]

everyone makes mistakes. but look at the upside, you got off 'with a warning' so to speak in that you're not with him anymore and neither of you got any STDs.

 

learn from the mistake, do better next time. that's life.

[RiverRunning]

I met my ex in a college class when I was 19. Neither of us had dated anyone before. I still remember this first date we had where we walked along the water on a perfect spring day in March and we had our first kiss on a bench there. I remember how nervous I was, how the adrenaline shot all through me. Somebody liked me! I liked somebody!

 

The truth of it was I was so desperate for someone, anyone to find me attractive by that age that I didn't proceed with caution at all. We were dating just a few weeks after we first met.

 

He was -awful- to me. Verbally and emotionally abusive - I still recall a time when he told me that he was happy about me being overweight because it reassured him that other guys wouldn't want me. He was childish, manipulative, immature and very needy. He even accused me of sleeping with my gay best friend. He would call 10 to 15 times in a row if he knew my friend was over. I had told him upfront about the friendship, but then he started going out of his way to exclude my friend.

 

It was all about him all of the time. To be honest with you, I don't know if he ever cheated or if he thought about cheating. But you know what they say about cheaters? They're often the first to suspect that YOU are cheating. They project what they're doing onto you, so maybe he did cheat on me. I have heard from old acquaintances that to this day, years later, my ex thinks I was sleeping with someone else. And tells everyone he knows this nonsense!

 

We never slept together, so I think his friends just started filling his head with nonsense about how I was getting it somewhere else.

 

But I stayed with this guy for over a year. I remember driving home bawling my eyes out every time I saw him. He was controlling and trying to isolate me from my family and friends. I remember how angry and jealous he would get if I stopped to play with my year-old cousin for even a minute or two.

 

He would fake illnesses if he didn't want anything to do with my family. Then I would take him home, he'd start acting fine, and try to convince me to stay. Even if I had relatives who only visited once or twice a year!

 

The truth is that I think girls who are late bloomers are probably more desperate than girls who get guys when they're younger. So, they probably ignore the red flags more. I know I did. My ex told me he loved me the DAY after he asked me out. At the time that was definitely weird. In retrospect, it was just an example of how not-seriously he took relationships with women.

 

He started dating another girl after me. Several friends on campus saw him being nasty to his new girlfriend. It's not surprising. He will be a man-baby for the rest of his life.

 

I still think that experience has an effect on my self-esteem as an adult. I've been in my current relationship for three years. The first two years of it were kind of bad, to be honest with you, because he too had a LOT of growing up to do. He was very disrespectful to me. I know if my self-esteem had been better, I would have left. I also would've left had I felt I could meet someone else.

 

Our relationship now is fine, even really great sometimes. I think because of my past experiences I am in hyper-alert mode every time he does or says something negative. I know that all people make mistakes and do stupid things, but it's my own experiences that leave me going, "This is it! This is the sign it's the end - he's gonna be a huge jerk again!" After you are with someone who treats you so horribly, or two people who do it, I think you forget that it's OK if they act like nasty jerks...SOMETIMES. Any incidence of it opens up the red alert flag and you're ready to run.

 

I try to make the best of a bad situation by acknowledging that I have been a GREAT girlfriend to both guys I dated. Plenty of dates I paid for, driving my ex to and from school/friends' houses/doctor's appointments/home without getting paid, offering help with studying/doing homework, etc.

 

With my current boyfriend, I do all of the housework, I make dinner, I am attentive to his needs (sexually, affection, etc.) and I don't let him walk all over me. Realizing this makes it easier for me to remember that I did not deserve the treatment I received from either of them.

 

I too sometimes sit and wonder why I stayed with my ex for 1 1/2 years when I knew probably 3 or 4 months in that he was a horrible person and I didn't like him. When my current boyfriend was treating me badly during the first two years, I wondered the same thing. I am now glad I stayed because it has turned out to be a happy and fruitful relationship, but I do wonder what I was thinking to put up with two years of his garbage!

 

Please don't put all of your self-esteem into how your first boyfriend treated you. I know it's difficult...remember that this man was abusive and he took advantage of your trust in him. The only thing you did wrong was not get out sooner.

 

Keep your head up and keep looking. On the plus side, these experiences can keep you from making the same mistake again.

[britlett]

I feel encouraged by both messages - thank you.

 

&thank you RiverRunning for sharing - I wish people in general (at least in my experience) would be quicker to share their own hard times - there would be a whole lot less feeling alone! (guess I better start doing this too!) This mistake will definitely be learnt from. It's nice to hear that you're in a place that you can maintain your own integrity - I wish you the best.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Anyways, I learnt the hard way that the longer you wait to have a boyfriend is not directly proportional to how health and good the relationship will be (how could i have been so silly anyways?!). Long story short - he had unprotected sex with two random girls in the months that we were getting to know each other. I didn't find this out until after dating him for about a year. Upon finding out I made the decision to forgive and forget - probably my first naive mistake. It took me a long time to get over the humiliation that comes with being cheated on but I did.

 

 

Thanks!

 

 

 

I wish you had been more clear in your statements, for in western civilization it is not 'wrong' that somebody might have sex (possibily even unprotected) with two ("random" - really???) girls during a time period in which they are "getting to know" other people.

 

Given what you've written, I can't even determine whether his actions as described constitute "cheating".

 

I think the experience has helped you, and I hope you won't over-correct in selecting your future mates.