Do men avoid settling as women get older?

[Shaun-Dro]

Well that was a really great guess, but it's wrong.

 

I'm mid-40s, current GF was 21 when we met, 22 now. Previous was 25, before that was 23, before that was 30. Before her, 29, and so on. I don't care about age as such but women over 30 that I have met always have either kids already, or an agenda to make some, or both.

 

I agree with this all the way! That's why any time I hear a woman is over 30, I get uncomfortable. I just cant help it. Often times than not she's got issues going on upstairs, usually stemming from her earlier lackluster years of insecurity or whatever. I don't want to deal with that.

 

While true that many women in their 20s are still out partying and surely immature to some degree, once they meet an older guy that knows how to talk to them, make them feel special, etc, she calms down some. I've seen this happen in many instances.

 

If I were to meet a woman about 30-31 that looked much younger, like in her early to mid-twenties without the need to have a family within the 24 hour span, I'd definitely consider her, but these women are the minority.

 

And they decrease in number as "her number" increases year by year.

[silvermercy]

Not sure where you LS men meet all those broody women who want to get married in the next month or two, because I know plenty who are not. But I get it now. It's not just an age thing, it's a family and commitment fear. Got that.

 

Too bad... I'm 29, look like 19, no kids, not in a rush to marry either, but I have NEVER EVER considered a man who displayed such fear - even when I was 19 (because it IS a fear, no need to hide it now! ). That in itself is unattractive even to those of us who do not want to get married/have children for at least another 10 years, if ever.

[FitChick]

It's so funny that the men who can't get dates with anyone, old or young, are so critical of women. Um, maybe that's why you can't get a date, buddy.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Here are some fairly random thoughts, pertinent to this thread.

 

To the OP:

 

I do believe that telling your dates that you are looking for marriage and to have kids is a pretty big buzzkiller. I agree with whomever posted earlier that that can make the guy feel like you are looking for a "place holder" for your program. Also, a woman responding to a loudly ticking biological clock is not that attractive. There is a palpable desperation.

 

If you're online dating, it's probably known at the outset that you are ready to "settle down." Don't belabor it as you are trying to get to know one another.

 

No matter what your "program" is, all you can do is to date with an open mind and try to learn naturally whether the person you are dating is on the same program that you are. If and when you (or they) discover that's not the case, it's simply time to say goodbye.

 

To many of the guys who are touting the benefits of women in their 20's over anyone older:

 

You like what you like, and there is nothing wrong with having preferences; however, I would draw the line where a guy who has shown himself to be nothing but a shallow shell of a person denigrates older people due to their "baggage."

 

Certainly, baggage exists.

 

But in this scenario, I believe that a person who has nothing inside of him naturally seeks easy superficiality. Indeed, this is simpler to come by among teenagers and people in their 20's than it is in more mature people. Any of us who have been teenagers or in our 20's in the past can attest to that.

 

That's fine. Go for what works for you. You will find likeminded people. But it has nothing whatsoever to do with people who are older, or those who looking for depth in their interactions with other people whatever their ages.

[azsinglegal]

Personally, I don't feel the need to play 'weak' just so a man will feel 'needed'.

 

Most people (whether it is romantic or platonic) want someone they feel close to to value their opinion and have some level of respect and admiration for them. Someone they can share their deepest feelings and fears with.

 

Building and maintaining strong relationships of any kind relies on being able to lean on one another. It is how we show our trust.

 

I'm very humbled by the trust my friends show in me... and a few men... who don't feel the need to try to break my spirit to prove they are 'men'.

 

I don't see where you got me playing 'weak' because I do things to make him feel 'needed'.

 

Like I said, I've been alone for a LONG time. Meaning, not married, not living with a man, not in a commited "planning a future" relationship in about 15 years. I've never asked for money, had a man pay my bills, take care of me or rely on them in any way.

 

Showing my man I value him and he's not disposible matters without having to play "weak". Kinda not sure what that means...but OK.

[Mystique2011]

This is very true. Men want somebody that loves them and not somebody who wants to use them as a prop for some wedding fantasy.

 

 

 

I have female friends that say "Tell all of your dates that you are looking for a serious relationship, so they won't see you as a booty call." This is the worst advice to give, even if the girlfriends mean well. I find that announcing your intentions ironically attracts the men that want booty calls, because they will tell you what you want to hear to get you to give them what they want.

 

The less you talk about commitment, the more you get. I think we should give the man a chance to mention it and let him think that it was his idea as well. The more you push your ideas on someone, the more they step back.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

please try to calm down. not every man is so vicious. Im far from that. Im a good hard-working guy and have been that way all my life. I never come on LS and attack people, men, women, or children. I think alot of people here are getting far ahead of themselves and need to relax. life is way too short. trust me I know lol. and with the op being 35 and a nurse and still in good shape is definitely turn on for me. I definitely believe her when she says she looks younger with the italian genes she has. would definitely be honored to meet her .

 

Not every man is so vicious? No, I agree, they aren't. However, we can not deny the number of men here that pretty much think women are crap. There are men that enjoy women their own age that look their own age. I guess it's okay to be 35 as long as you look younger? What's so bad about looking 35 anyway? I am not 35 yet but I don't personally think 35 is that old. For men or for women.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

See, this is where we are different. You want to be (overly?) optimistic about every situation. I will not say that it will be easy for her to meet someone at that age. She might have to compromise more if she really wants to not be single. However, the good news with divorce rates is that there are more single older adults now. Most of these people are done with having kids too. So, that will be easier than late 30s-40s.

 

Sanman, if you think I am overly optimistic, I believe you to be overly persecuting and negative..but only toward women. I've said a million times that both men and women age. They both get grey hair. They both can gain weight and get more wrinkles. Aging is normal. Both genders loose the quality of their prime baby making parts. My issue is not that women age. It's with the idea that men don't age, or that men get better with age, or that men have more worth then women. And when you have men sitting here saying the things they are about themselves as men AND about women, and the huge differences in how they see each gender, it's obvious that there are a number of men here on this board that think their place is that of one over women. Now it's either because they really believe that or its because of a massive insecurity on their part and a fear deep inside themselves that they are afraid to admit that they are infact in the same bed or roses as women are. And when I was 20, I wouldh ave thought it was the first. But after years of hearing men talk and hearing the things they worry about, I know men feel the bite of age just like women do. I can't tell you how many of my male friends complain about weight gain, loosing hair and getting nose hair like their dads. I actually believe men have an even harder time coming to grasp with the idea of aging.

 

We are all people. We are all human beings. We all age. There is a social idea that somehow men escape aging. But this wasn't built on science or biology. Biology doesn't want 40 year old broken male sperm mating with young healthy eggs. Any concept of men being worth more then women for aging was a concept created long ago in a patriarchal society that inabled older men to dominate over younger healthier men they couldn't physically compete with and control women. We still, for the most part, despite many female gains, live in the core of a patriarchal society. I believe for hte most part, despite new struggles the modern man faces, we always will. But regardless, these ideas being expressed here about women, they aren't even good for younger women. This isn't about younger women being better. This is about a general commentary on having a thumb over all women, younger or older. If a woman is only as much worth to you as her age, then you are in for a tough reality. If a woman is only as good as her age, then even younger women aren't in good, promising spots.

 

How can men that have women in their lives they love sit here and say the things a number of men are saying and expect any woman, of ANY age, to feel hopeful, warm, loving, kind and vunerable toward their men? Do you say these things to the women in your life? How could you expect even a young woman to feel secure in the idealogy's about women that are being shared here? The mentality that is appearing here today doesn't bode well for young or older women. This isn't a matter of younger women being in a better spot. This is a matter of putting women down. Becaues when that younger woman ages, what is she potentially left with? A man, a husband that sees her as a diminishing return? What man here wants to be seen like that? So she can spend the rest of her life watching him look at porn of 20 year olds and oggling their daughter's 18 year old friends? You're not giving women anything good to go on. The young women or the older ones. Now you can go on and on about how women wait for more succesful men but where I live, I see men of all creeds with wives and girlfriends. From waiters, to farm hands, to landscape guys, plumbers, stock brokers...Sure, there is a certain kind of woman that holds out for the man with they money. Notice my use of the word "certain". And there is a certain kind of man that holds out for a woman based on her body and age and looks. And it doesn't behoove a young woman to be with such a man. Any more then it's going to behoove that man tobe with a woman that is with him for his money first.

 

Keep touting the importance of men over women. But it's so transparent in it's effort. And at the end of the day, I feel sorry for younger women that are stuck with boyfriends that see their worth being only as good as their age.

 

Youth and beauty are great things. But no man or woman holds on

[Disenchantedly Yours]

You like what you like, and there is nothing wrong with having preferences; however, I would draw the line where a guy who has shown himself to be nothing but a shallow shell of a person denigrates older people due to their "baggage."

 

Certainly, baggage exists.

 

But in this scenario, I believe that a person who has nothing inside of him naturally seeks easy superficiality. Indeed, this is simpler to come by among teenagers and people in their 20's than it is in more mature people. Any of us who have been teenagers or in our 20's in the past can attest to that.

 

That's fine. Go for what works for you. You will find likeminded people. But it has nothing whatsoever to do with people who are older, or those who looking for depth in their interactions with other people whatever their ages.

 

Fairly excellent point. There is a level of emotional immaturity for someone that can't deal with the fact that in life, people have lived and have life experiences unique to themselves that will make each situation different. If a man is 40, and doesn't want to date women his age because of baggage, lets think about the kind of baggage he is bringing to a younger girlfriend. Naturally, she's expected to deal with it, and be with someone who is older and more likely 9 times out of 10 going to be slower then men her own age.

 

If any 20 year old girls are reading this, always pay attention to a man's attitude about your age.

[Woggle]

There is nothing wrong with bringing up commitment if that is what you want but also show some interest in getting to know a man as a person. Men tend to want to commit to women they enjoy being around and who they feel truly cares about them. If a woman is wedding obsessed and showing bridezilla tendencies god knows what it will be like living with her.

 

I actually am not into women that look like teenagers. I am attracted to good looks like anybody else but I like a woman that looks like a woman and carries herself like one. If I were still single I would not want to feel like I was dating a teenager no matter what age she happened to be.

[xxoo]

There is nothing wrong with bringing up commitment if that is what you want but also show some interest in getting to know a man as a person. Men tend to want to commit to women they enjoy being around and who they feel truly cares about them. If a woman is wedding obsessed and showing bridezilla tendencies god knows what it will be like living with her.

 

That may be another advantage to dating women older than 30. The bridezillas have mostly had their "princess day" by then.

 

Women who want to marry and have kids in their 30s may be more likely to have the right motivation: readiness to focus on family.

[Woggle]

Has anybody her seen that show Bridezillas? If you were a man would you want to be married to those women?

[Shaun-Dro]

Not sure where you LS men meet all those broody women who want to get married in the next month or two, because I know plenty who are not. But I get it now. It's not just an age thing, it's a family and commitment fear. Got that.

 

Too bad... I'm 29, look like 19, no kids, not in a rush to marry either, but I have NEVER EVER considered a man who displayed such fear - even when I was 19 (because it IS a fear, no need to hide it now! ). That in itself is unattractive even to those of us who do not want to get married/have children for at least another 10 years, if ever.

 

It's not the fear of having a family. You're getting it twisted. I'm talking about these "older" women that wanna lock a man up and then call it quits after a while because it isn't working out anymore meanwhile she's getting uglier year by year.

 

This world are full of these types, especially with self-sufficient types to boot. I'm not letting that happen because I don't believe there is a young woman perfect-enough for me both physically, spiritually, and mentally.

 

I just keep running into unattractive women that have nothing to offer in the physical sense but would make great buddies. I'm a very physical guy that loves sex and anything passionate and can't have that feeling with a broad looking like a grandma under various guises of makeup kits.

[Negative Nancy]

If a man is 40, and doesn't want to date women his age because of baggage, lets think about the kind of baggage he is bringing to a younger girlfriend. Naturally, she's expected to deal with it, and be with someone who is older and more likely 9 times out of 10 going to be slower then men her own age.

 

It's not just that, it's that in most cases it's not the complete truth anyway. I always laugh when I hear the excuse of men wanting do date younger women cos of "less baggage" or cos she's "more active", has "more energy and youthful spirit" or whatever other excuse they feed women to distract from the fact that they are primarily attracted to looks. Energy level my a**. If they wanted that, they should rather go for an energy match then.

 

I see alot of people in their teens or 20s who are absolute shlumps and could not be moved off the couch and away from the smart phone if a grenade were tossed underneath them. Or who kind of lump around from place to place looking eternally bored. Occasionally they can be wheedled into slumping against a table or wall at a club for a while. Some dancing may be involved, followed by a huge crash and getting up at 2 pm the next day from exhaustion. If even 9th grade girls have muffin top and bellies, we are NOT talking about a super-active group when focusing on "young people". Being young doesn't necessarily mean more energy...not anymore. Middle-schoolers can't even get themselves half a mile to school nowadays...they need a car to chauffeur them.

 

It makes me laugh to know how many people there are out there in their 40s and 50s who can't be moved from their computers to get up and do something active, and who decide they've done plenty for the day since they went to work and now want to unbutton the the pants, half-lie on the couch and watch Tivo'd stuff until bedttime, yet want a 20-something cos she's "energetic".

[Negative Nancy]

I wanna add that I do not criticize the lifestyle per se, as I at 29 still sleep in till 2 pm occasionally and am not off for a hike in the mountains every weekend either. But I don't go around claiming I want a younger man cos he's more energetic or has less baggage. I would only date younger men cos they look better than the average bald 30-something or the 40something with grey hair and nose hair and pot belly. :lol: Seriously though, I'm happy with my boyfriend who is 32 and I think part of the reason why we get along so well is because we are close in age and from the same generation. So when men tend to date younger women I think it just shows that they do not really care about that personality stuff, but - as if we hadn't known this already - they only care about looks, looks, and oh, did I mention looks. Shaun-Dro has described it very accurately and I believe he speaks out loud what most men think. I'm actually expecting my boyfriend to dump me sometime in my 30s and trade me in for a younger model. Reading the unfiltered truth here on loveshack straight outta the horse's mouth - sorry, the male mouth - makes you jaded.

Edited October 24, 2011 by Negative Nancy

[zengirl]

Has anybody her seen that show Bridezillas? If you were a man would you want to be married to those women?

 

An ironic point, Woggle, as clearly someone does or they couldn't be on the show.

 

(I'm with you, though---those girls are annoying! The grooms on that show are seldom a great prize though, either. I've only seen a few episodes when my roommate watches it though.)

[EasyHeart]

It makes me laugh to know how many people there are out there in their 40s and 50s . . . who decide they've done plenty for the day since they went to work and now want to unbutton the the pants, half-lie on the couch and watch Tivo'd stuff until bedttime

HEY!!! Are you spying on me???

[Untouchable_Fire]

Certainly, baggage exists.

 

But in this scenario, I believe that a person who has nothing inside of him naturally seeks easy superficiality. Indeed, this is simpler to come by among teenagers and people in their 20's than it is in more mature people. Any of us who have been teenagers or in our 20's in the past can attest to that.

 

That's fine. Go for what works for you. You will find likeminded people. But it has nothing whatsoever to do with people who are older, or those who looking for depth in their interactions with other people whatever their ages.

 

Great point!

 

I would like to add that in my experience older women are more likely to have dealt with their baggage, while younger women seem to be just starting that process.

 

I really think most baggage comes from what happens to us when we are emotionally immature.

[Shaun-Dro]

Not every man is so vicious? No, I agree, they aren't. However, we can not deny the number of men here that pretty much think women are crap. There are men that enjoy women their own age that look their own age. I guess it's okay to be 35 as long as you look younger? What's so bad about looking 35 anyway? I am not 35 yet but I don't personally think 35 is that old. For men or for women.

 

I'm gonna burst your bubble right now with no apologies: women 35 look a lot different than a man at that same age...trust me. We age differently. That's why you'll get countless men, myself included, wanting women to look below that number for obvious reasons. Deal with it!

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm talking about these "older" women that wanna lock a man up and then call it quits after a while because it isn't working out anymore meanwhile she's getting uglier year by year.

 

Are you talking about the common phenomenon of people getting together, having a relationship, and then breaking up when it "isn't working out anymore?"

 

This is what happens, Shaun-Dro, in relationships that may have had good intentions (on both parts) but did not end up leading into eternity.

 

Your perspective is amusing - since you are clearly coming from the point of view of a person who has never had a relationship with anybody. Have you experienced even a (deep, real) friendship with a person of any gender?

 

The woman getting uglier … has nothing to do with anything, and was a lame thing to post. I'm sure you're getting uglier too, and you are at a big disadvantage because as you've presented yourself here on LS, the ONLY thing you have going for you in life is the way you look. Sooner than you think, your outsides will match up nicely with your soulless interior, and you'll probably have to walk the streets completely enrobed, like the Elephant Man, so people don't run screaming at the sight of you.

 

This world are full of these types, especially with self-sufficient types to boot. I'm not letting that happen because I don't believe there is a young woman perfect-enough for me both physically, spiritually, and mentally.

 

You are a laff riot, and also you seem like a very pathetic human being. You're not "letting" it happen because no one "perfect enough" for you exists?

 

Heh.

 

I doubt that any woman of any age with ANYTHING going on for her would be interested in much, if anything, from or with you. So you just go right ahead believing that you are living an empty life because no woman is "perfect enough" for you.

 

I guess that is what you need to tell yourself.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I'm gonna burst your bubble right now with no apologies: women 35 look a lot different than a man at that same age...trust me. We age differently. That's why you'll get countless men, myself included, wanting women to look below that number for obvious reasons. Deal with it!

 

Me thinks someone douth protest too much!

[Woggle]

I don't think it has anything to do with age but most men when they get to that age want to do it right the first time when they settle down. I don't blame a guy for wanting to avoid a future walkaway wife.

[123321]

Not sure where you LS men meet all those broody women who want to get married in the next month or two ...

 

Did you read to OP? Just curious.

 

 

 

I don't see where you got me playing 'weak' because I do things to make him feel 'needed'.

 

You remind me of one of my favorite cousins, and I bet you and I agree on more things than we disagree on in real life.

 

 

 

.... this preference for older males is mostly due to their mature PERSONALITY and not due their mature AGE. Nothing else.

 

Not true in my experience, being established and having ones life and career on track have a lot to do with it too. It's a combination of things from what I have observed.

 

 

 

I was talking about men who definitely want serious long-term relationships. (You said you're not worried, so that means you don't mind so much if there's a serious relationship out of this or not. So I hope your gf is on the same page).

 

She wants to get married tomorrow but I'm not making her any promises I don't intend to keep, I've always been completely honest with her.

 

 

 

It sounds like your priority, though you say it's not, is simply having a young hot girlfriend at all times. I guess that's okay if it's what floats your boat - to a point. Are you trading out frequently to maintain your requirement that you have a girlfriend who is under 30 years old?

 

No, just being picky; it takes a while to really know someone. I would love to have a marriage but I don't want a divorce, if you see what i mean.

 

 

 

While true that many women in their 20s are still out partying and surely immature to some degree, once they meet an older guy that knows how to talk to them, make them feel special, etc, she calms down some. I've seen this happen in many instances.

 

True however young women, in my experience, do require a lot of attention. It's just part of the deal but it's OK.

 

 

 

Not every man is so vicious? No, I agree, they aren't. However, we can not deny the number of men here that pretty much think women are crap. There are men that enjoy women their own age that look their own age. I guess it's okay to be 35 as long as you look younger? What's so bad about looking 35 anyway? I am not 35 yet but I don't personally think 35 is that old. For men or for women.

 

I agree, the issue comes from all the timelines and motives around that age for women. A lot of single childless women, either a majority or a huge minority, start to hear the tick of an imaginary clock VERY clearly and it motivates them to do things they might not do normally.

 

Temporary motivations are something ANY smart guy should think about very carefully. Once she's had 2 kids and secured your support for the duration of their childhood, that ticking will get quiet again. How will her motivations change at that time?

 

In 70% of the cases, it's time for her to "find herself", take the kids and go back to dating guys who are more fun but who have a less monotonous paycheck.

[Sanman]

I've said a million times that both men and women age. They both get grey hair. They both can gain weight and get more wrinkles.

 

 

I don't disagree with that point. The difference is that men put relatively more importance on looks and women tend to put relatively more importance on financial stability. Hence, both look at a combination of things, but men are at their most eligible when financial stability intersects with looks (late 20s to mid thirties) and women are at their most eligible with they look their best. That is the difference between men and women in dating. If you don't like it, tell other women not to put so much importance on financial stability and weigh on looks. You don't see a lot of men here starting threads on wanting women to take care of them financially , do you? Maybe all the men here are horny ageists and women are gold diggers. That is still a dating difference that you don't want to seem to acknowledge. Just as a man without money/ a good job will lose the attention of all the 'gold diggers', a woman that is not younger may lose the attention of those that prefer younger women. Facts of life.

[Monm82]

BUT... he had to become a doctor first, only then was he able to procure a wife.

 

Look, a guy has to have something going for him to attract a woman. I've seen charm, good looks, sense of humor, money, all of them work. Plus a lack of social skills can tank any one of those.

 

It's just not the same for women. You can be a drooling idiot with zero ambition and a near inability to put two words together and you can find a man without breaking yourself in half with effort.

 

 

 

 

But it DOES define us. Perhaps you have faced rejection a few times. Now imagine nobody EVER hits on you... or compliments you... yet it's your job to put yourself out there and take the hit of rejection. Not once... not ten times... but hundreds of times. How is that going to affect your self esteem?

 

It's funny because only twice has a woman complimented my cousin. Both times he developed feelings and when he worked up the courage both times he was shot down. Shot down nicely to be fair.

 

I think very few women are capable of understanding the challenges men face. Most of us get it when it comes to the trials and tribulations women go through. Crap it's drilled into us monotonously from birth. However the grass just isn't always greener!

 

Good post.