Happy End

[whistlewitch]

Hello everyone,

 

I just wanted to say that there is no need for me to find a chat room for the other woman anymore since my story as the other woman is finally over. After 3 1/2 extremely emotional, painful and straining years with lots of talks, break-up attempts on either side and many many tears from everyone, my love has left his wife, asked me to marry him and moved in with me. All our friends know about us now and have accepted his decision.

 

I don't feel gratification and it is still difficult to deal with everyone's emotions, but it is a BIG relief that the secrets are finally over and I also wanted to point out that sometimes there can be a "happy end" for the other woman, even if the way leading to it might be very painful for everyone. I am very happy to be with him.

 

All the best and good luck to you all,

 

Whistlewitch

[Clarity]

Congrats! And Good Luck:) :)

[Yadda39]

That's Great! Just make sure you keep one eye open around him. He may fall back into his old habits...

[Becks84]

Well congrats that things are turning out the way you wanted! But I agree, make sure he doesn't do to you what he did to his ex

[shamen]

As yellowrose's signature says (or something similiar), "A man who leaves his wife for his mistress leaves a vacancy for that position."

 

Sorry, my opinion.

[AlexisCC]

I am so happy to hear a success story! Are there any other success stories out there anyone can share?

 

Being on such a forum only brings us the stories from those who are not having success in these difficult relationships; I guess those who are successful in finally getting together with their MM no longer have a reason to post!

 

I've been involved with my MM for 3-1/2 years now; relationship was discovered by his wife two weeks ago - she did not kick him out and he is staying put. Wanted to keep seeing me as usual, and lied to her that it was over. I said those terms are unacceptable - and I told him I am removing myself from the equation so he can live with his decision and see if that is where he still belongs. But I will not be in his life any longer. And not to call until he was separating.

 

The ending is dragging on - he still wants contact. But I am being strong.

 

Anyway -- it would be helpful to hear of other such success stories. It brings hope - even if it is a small hope - that things might work out some day in the end....

[Yadda39]

Originally posted by AlexisCC

I am so happy to hear a success story! Are there any other success stories out there anyone can share?

 

Being on such a forum only brings us the stories from those who are not having success in these difficult relationships; I guess those who are successful in finally getting together with their MM no longer have a reason to post!

 

I've been involved with my MM for 3-1/2 years now; relationship was discovered by his wife two weeks ago - she did not kick him out and he is staying put. Wanted to keep seeing me as usual, and lied to her that it was over. I said those terms are unacceptable - and I told him I am removing myself from the equation so he can live with his decision and see if that is where he still belongs. But I will not be in his life any longer. And not to call until he was separating.

 

The ending is dragging on - he still wants contact. But I am being strong.

 

Anyway -- it would be helpful to hear of other such success stories. It brings hope - even if it is a small hope - that things might work out some day in the end....

 

 

Just curious... why after 3 1/2 years did you suddenly decide to get out of this? Was his wife finding out what did it? And why did that make a difference?

[geez]

I am sorry to hear that some of you would find that to be a success story. A family breaking up due to infidelity. I certainly hope that this man does not have children with his wife.

Maybe there is a "happy end" for you, but I am sure that there are others in pain from the actions that you and this MM have decided to take.

 

Don't get mad at me I am just throwing my two cents in.

[SoleMate]

Just one more caution...MM have been known to return to their W as long as several years after moving out. We had a poster on LS in that situation a month or two ago. Maybe when their divorce is final, and you two are married, and fully secure in each other's love and commitment with no guilt or regrets, we can call this story a success. Until then, I'll be worried for you.

[AlexisCC]

Replying to Yadda39's inquiry --

 

This was not the first time trying to get out. I've made two previous attempts at breaking up over the last year or so, after I would pressure him to leave. Somehow, he would "guilt" me back to where we were before...always citing that he needed time, wasn't ready to make that decision, was dealing with lots of other pressures, etc. The last time his dear father got ill and passed away, so I felt "guilted" for abandoning him in time of need when he needed support.

 

Anyway, after his wife found out about the affair recently, a part of me was secretly glad, even though he was going through emotional hell, because it seemed like he would never leave on his own. I actually hoped she would kick him out, so he would find some momentum and run with it. But it hasn't happened yet. So that's why I told him to make up his mind and live with his decision.

 

Today he told me that he is buying time, in order to leave his children in a non-traumatic way, so that they don't remember their father leaving one night with their mother in tears. He wants to do it calmly and quietly and as non-traumatically as possible. When I asked what do you WANT? He answered "to be with the love of my life"...that's me.

 

So we will see what happens. I am being patient.

[Yadda39]

Originally posted by AlexisCC

Replying to Yadda39's inquiry --

 

Today he told me that he is buying time, in order to leave his children in a non-traumatic way, so that they don't remember their father leaving one night with their mother in tears. He wants to do it calmly and quietly and as non-traumatically as possible. When I asked what do you WANT? He answered "to be with the love of my life"...that's me.

 

So we will see what happens. I am being patient.

 

"Action speaks louder than words".

 

In my opinion, he's not going to leave his wife. How long are you planning on being patient?

[shamen]

Patience in this situation is not a virtue. It's plain silly. He's not going to leave his wife. See my above post if in some strange way he actually does.

 

No, I'm not a jilted ex wife.

[jmargel]

He's not going to leave his wife. He has the best of both worlds. Even if you did 'get' him, how can you trust him? You can't.

 

There is no foundation for a relationship here. In fact any relationship with a MM or MW will never have that foundation. That's why I made a post on here a month or two ago. Please look it up & read it.

 

And no i'm not married, but I did have sex with a married woman. I will make a new thread on here in a few minutes.. Please read it.

[brashgal]

About the only time they leave is when they get kicked out. I kicked mine out, he's still seeing her, contemplating moving in with her last I heard. I certainly would not want to be either one of them, always looking over my shoulder to see if the same thing was about to happen...they both cheated on spouses and waited until they got ultimatums. Claimed it was because of the kids. My oldest is thoroughly disgusted with him, I was not crying when he left.

[whistlewitch]

Hi everyone,

 

I have a bit more time now and want to explain some details about my story.

 

I do absolutely NOT only see that as a "success story", although it had a happy end for me. I don't feel any triumph towards his wife, I am sorry for her, we know each other and I have never seen her as an enemy or anything like that but just someone who is in love with the same man as me. I have always been aware that HE has been the one to make up his mind who he wanted to be with. There have been many many attempts from either side to find a resolution to the story. He went to a psychologist, has also offered her to go to a marriage counsellor (which she declined), he has broken up with me for very painful periods of time and tried to save his marriage, but it just didn't work out. They don't have kids (his wife didn't want any, he would like to have a family), I am sure otherwise they would never have broken up.

 

It's not that he just had the best of both worlds and just took advantage of both of us. In some respect this is certainly true. On the other hand he was really torn and desperate as well and he still feels what he has done to us was certainly the worst thing he has ever done in his life (well, I can't deny that). He says he really wonders why I still love him, why ANYBODY does, but I do.

 

Of course there are doubts that this situation will repeat. He also knows about that and says he can do nothing but re-gain my faith in him, which is probably true. He had no other girl-friend before his wife and has been faithfully (!) married for 15 years. Now he has told everyone (including his family, which was very hard) about us and how it developed, he holds my hand in public and doesn't keep anything secret anymore. Of course his family disapproves what he has done, which is also why I wouldn't call it a "success story". Of course I would like to be liked by them. But I can very well understand that momentarily they won't, maybe never will. I think we both learned from that situation that you can't take anyone for granted, that you have to care for your relationship and not just live next to each other. Still, I feel very strongly that I have to and DO trust him now, otherwise there would be no basis for a relationship at all.

 

My lover has been my best friend for 10 years now, and 3 years ago we fell in love. I am certainly not better looking, younger or wealthier than his wife. Actually I think that concerning financial security he would have been way better with her. But we just fell in love. We didn't plan it, we tried to fight it, but it just happened. He has always been my best friend because he has been my soul mate since we met and we just couldn't fight the love we felt. I think we both would have very much appreciated if there had been a way out of love back to the old, uncomplicated friendship, but there wasn't. We both felt a lot of guilt and pain, we both didn't want to destroy his marriage, but he couldn't stop loving me and I couldn't stop loving him. He once called my name while sleeping beside her and I don't know if there would have been a way to save his marriage after loving someone else so much.

I also want to say that it was NOT the way that his wife kicked him out. He told her, he moved in here and that was not because she threw his things in front of the apartment but because he wanted to be with me.

 

Anyway: I can completely understand everyone who is very sceptical or, like Geez, disaproves completely. I am very sorry that in a situation like this so much pain is caused to everyone. Sometimes I dream that the three of us are somewhere together, just getting along and talking like friends. But I know that if that will ever come true (it IS that way with my ex now, thank god), it will take a very long time. I have read that only 4% of MM leave their wife for their mistress, I don't know if that is true but I'm sure it is not many. Still, I would not judge on anyone's relationship or chances of becoming the only woman in his life before I didn't know the persons involved very well. I think there is no golden rule how the story will end, although there are of course more and less likely endings.

 

For myself I can only say that I am overwhelmed with joy that I can be with the one I love and who loves me. He said since he moved in here is the first time in years that he has been able to sleep well again, and for me it's the same. I hope that time will eventually heal everybody's wounds, that his wife will find a new man and not become bitter and that things will just calm down here.

 

Good luck to you all,

Whistlewitch

 

PS: Just mentioning: Johnny Cash, who is, as far as I know, very respected in the US, left his wife for June Carter-Cash and she left her husband for him. I don't have the impression that anyone held that against them after it turned out that they were happily married until Johnny died.

[shamen]

Whistlewitch: This may be happy for you in the end. Certainly not for everyone. I know that you tried to explain why you did this (and you did so eloquently), but I for one, know that I will not understand why you did it. I'm sorry.

 

Calming down is a thing that can only happen when everyone agrees on an issue, or at least can understand both sides of the issue. I don't think that everyone here will ever understand both sides of this issue, sorry. Some people just believe that one should wait until after the DIVORCE to start a relationship. If the two of you had been friends the whole time and then he got a divorce and then he started his relationship with you, that would have been different and I could totally understand that. However, that is not what happened. The thing that people are upset about is that you had a relationship while he was married. I get upset when people cheat on their boyfriends or girlfriends too.

 

Just as a comment, my mother had an affair with a MM and she got pregnant. Now here I am, never having known my real parents because she gave me up for adoption (for obvious reasons) and I'm not even in the same country where I was born. Affairs change things, big time.

 

My adopted mother, after my adopted parents divorced, had an affair with a MM and now she lives in constant fear that he is cheating on her since he did eventually leave his wife. She's broken up with him twice over it.

 

Good luck.

 

It may be that Johnny Cash was respected musically, but it doesn't make his situation any more correct. My opinion of Bob Marley changed a lot when I found out that he was a cheater. "I Don't Want to Wait in Vain," was actually about his mistress and it seriously bummed me out when I found this out. It completely changed my opinion of the song and I no longer enjoy it the way I used to.

[whistlewitch]

Shamen,

I do understand and respect that you don't understand this decision. Maybe a divorce first would have been the "better" way. I don't think it would have lead to a different result though. I don't know what it's like in the US but here you have to live seperated other for one year before you can get divorced. He has been living in his own room for half a year but stayed at her place at the weekends for organizational reasons. They officially broke up in October, but it took him so long to come to me because he had to "find himself" again. The fact is, of course, that if we hadn't fallen in love, his marriage would have lasted longer, but I think it would not have lasted forever for reasons that are too long to explain here. That is also the reason why I still trust him. I don't think there are cheaters by nature, and if there are, I don't think he is one of them.

 

I have been left before, I have seen couples where the same situation came up and of course you DO calm down, although it does leave deep wounds. But they heal. And you leanr from them. I am sorry for every wound I have caused and I have apologized many times to my ex (whom I have been cheating on for a couple of weeks due to my new love). Thank god my ex has a new girl-friend now and we are very good friends and I respect him very much (again) and am glad and greatful that he is not angry with me anymore.

 

I am very sorry about your own story. I understand very well that it made you feel the way you do. Still, this doesn't mean that your story can speak for anyone else's story. I have heard of men who have been in the situation of my lover (torn between two lovers, as Mary McGregor sings it) and have killed themselves because they felt unable to deal with the situation. But that doesn't say anything about anyone else's situation. I know stories with happy and unhappy endings, I have seen divorces for the best of all and divorces that lead to disaster. I am trying to handle things here as thoughtfully and carefully as possible, but I know it does not work without causing pain to anyone, not even myself.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you have found or will find the love you need.

 

Whistle.

[kechara]

Whistle-

I had gotten involved with a MM after his relationship was on the rocks. We were both overseas, his wife refused to go with him, and shortly after I got involved with him said she wanted a divorce. Regardless, she was still angry and upset when she found out I was involved with him.

 

The good news: by finally getting out of her marriage with him (which was unhappy and abusive by all accounts), she was able to find happiness. She married the next-door neighbor a year later and she and I became friends.

 

The bad news: once I finally had him, I didn't want him. The behaviors that he could hide when it was just he and I hidden from the world came out when we could be open with our relationship.

 

I gave nearly 4 years to him, thinking that in some way, I owed it to him to give him chance after chance. After all, he had left his family "because of me."

 

Thank god, I had the guts to break up with him for good.

 

I just wanted to share that sometimes, you can have a good relationship with his ex. In fact, she was one of my biggest supporters throughout my four year struggle with him. I see her and the kids often. Him- not at all.

Best of luck..

[befuddled11]

As some know, I'm quite outspoken and opinionated when it comes to the topic of affairs -- I will never understand people who can enter into these kinds of deceitful, disloyal, hurtful situations.

 

I believe very strongly in marriage, but I also believe that if you're married and you feel strongly in your heart that you no longer love your spouse and you've done all you can to work on the marriage but to no avail...THEN LEAVE. Get a divorce. Nobody expects anyone to remain in a miserable, unfulfilling relationship. But be honest....be a decent human being and be truthful and honorable....don't go screwing around and having an affair.

 

Now to WhistleWitch....your post brings up another point that always gets me. You say your MM was married for 19 yrs but was unhappy for 16 yrs but stayed for the children, and that only because his wife's family was visiting did she move back into the bedroom "for appearances." Ladies, ladies ladies.......be smart, don't be foolish. Does it make any sense that someone is going to stay in a miserable marriage for 16 yrs? It doesn't make sense to me. And to the countless OW who profess that their MM hasn't slept with his wife in years/she's frigid/she's unaffectionate/they don't sleep in the same room, etc.....WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE. A guy isn't truly going to remain under a roof where he's not getting laid, at least not for very long. Of COURSE he tells you this, amongst all the other BS.....to make you feel less uncomfortable and guilty about the affair........and above all, to make you feel like you're his "only girl".......that you're the "only one" he's intimate with. Don't be so naive.

 

There's a million lame excuses MM give their mistress as to why they haven't "yet" left their wife, despite a supposed hellish and unfulfilling marriage....let's see now......they stay for the kids, they stay because she'll take him to the cleaners financially if he leaves, she's "unstable" and he doesn't want to hurt her, bla bla bla.

 

Why are the OW so quick to believe all this BS? I just don't get that.

 

And to the OW who are so sure their MM, should he leave his wife and marry them, will NEVER cheat on her (the OW), think again. Why on earth would you delude yourself into thinking that he's not going to cheat on you? Don't you think when he was standing at the altar, exchanging vows with his wife, he promised that he'd always be true to her and that he'd forsake all others and stick by her side, for better or worse? Don't you think she's heard it all? And if they have children together, that's a very strong bond with a great deal of emotional history behind it...........yet you think you can waltz into his life and make him a changed man?

 

The reason that 99.9% MM don't leave their wives is because they have the best of both worlds. The have the security and stability of the girl they married, who in many cases bore his children.......they have someone who's familiar and comfortable, who's shared the good times and the bad.........and then they have the excitement of having you on the side.........the adrenaline rush, the sexual high, of having someone to share only the "good" parts of life with (after all, as the OW+MM, you don't have to deal with the regular stressors of life such as: paying the bills, maintaining the home, disagreements with the children, squabbles over money, etc).

 

Countless MM even go so far as to moving out........leading their OW to believe he's serious this time, and that he'll definitely be divorcing his wife......but based on all I've read and from friend's experiences, it almost always never goes as planned.........and though he puts up a good front, and puts on a good act, it isn't long before he misses his wife and the history they share.....and he's back with her. If he doesn't go back, and he does remain with the OW, he's inevitably got a lot of baggage and issues and guilt that eventually surfaces.........and he's never truly available to the OW, as she needs him to be.

 

What I find sad is.........if there were no women WILLING to be the "OW", then the cheating, deceitful MM out there would have to either p*ss or get off the pot. They'd have to make some tough decisions...about whether to stay in their marriage, or divorce and move on with their life. But so many women are willing to be the OW......and all they do is ENABLE MM to have their cake and eat it too.

 

If more women would become STRONG WOMEN.......and have enough self respect and self love and integrity.......and set the boundaries very early on by telling the guy, "Look, you're married. You're not available to me, and I'm not available to you. If your marriage is truly as bad/chaotic/empty/unfulfilling/sexless/one-sided as you claim it is, then be a MAN and make some tough decisions and choices........and get your house in order..........and divorce. And until such times as you can show me your signed divorce decree, I don't want anything to do with you."

 

Why can't women be stronger? All you OW do is become the biggest HUGEST Ego Boost to these conniving MM. Man, what a stud he must feel like........he's got a wife, and a mistress. Where's the incentive to p*ss or get off the pot?

 

Frankly, I would be ultimately and immensely insulted if a MM thought he could get something going with me.............I would think, "god, this guy must think so little of me, that he thinks he's so great that I'd be willing to be "second place" with him"

 

I can't stand to see weak women. It goes so far against everything we've fought for over the years.

[kechara]

Befuddled-

Thanks for taking the time to write all of that. As I sat here this morning pining for the MM who I've been avoiding for the past 12 days, I received that bucket of water in the face that was truly needed.

 

You're right. They all do say those things. Mine said she'd been sleeping on the couch for months. But I've always wondered about those times when I'm sure she crawled into bed with him. I'm sure he had the best intentions, I'm sure he was not intentionally manipulative. But after reading your message, I'm sure he told plenty of lies so that he could have his cake and eat it too.

 

How is it that we can be super-successful in every area of our lives, but when it comes to this, we are "weak" (as you put it)? We turn into suckers for these men who really aren't brave enough to get out. We think somehow we can make them feel fulfilled and instead we end up tearing our own lives apart. You're right, you know...if we all refused to be other women, they'd have to learn early on to take responsibility for their choices and their lives.

[whistlewitch]

Hi, I don't have time for a long reply right now but just want to point out that I did NOT say my MM has been married for 19 years and was unhappy for 16. He has actually been married 17 years, I think about 14 of them happyish, and no, they didn't have kids cause his wife didn't want any.

 

I just don't want my story to get mixed up with other user's stories.... no matter how it will end. If you want my story you should read my postings again.

 

I might post a longer reply later when if I have time, at the moment I can only say we are still very very happy together.

 

Whistle.