FinOuch Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) It's been a little more than five months since the breakup, and I was doing so well until the past few weeks. I'm sure it has everything to do with the fact the he broke contact a few weeks ago and sent me that email in which he said completely unnecessary and painful things – such as that he was sorry and didn't want to hurt me...and worse yet that he missed me, how important I would always be to him, and that he didn't leave me for the girl he's currently with. (Bullsh*t. All of it.) I ignored the email for a couple of weeks and immediately wrote it off as nothing more than a selfish attempt to make himself feel better...but yet it still stuck in my mind. I did end up writing back. While I'm normally a big advocate of no contact, I wrote it more for myself than for him. He indicated that he thought I had tried to get in contact with him two weeks prior, when I had not. I wanted to make that clear. I also felt that a non-response would be letting him off the hook, so to say. Again, I'm fairly certain he wrote that to alleviate his own guilt...not because he actually meant any of it. A completely selfish act. It wasn't long. It wasn't mean., yet it wasn't friendly. More like...formal. I mainly just indicated I did not try to contact him, and had no plans of doing so. That I did not believe he didn't leave me for the other woman, and the reasons why. That being missed or important (even if true) didn't matter. That I wasn't going to understand why he made the choices he had, and I didn't need to in order to move forward. And that to continue doing so I needed him to leave me alone. It felt good to write (started at like 1000+ words of emotional garbage which I managed to condense into a 200 word to-the-point email). It felt good to send. But it certainly hasn't taken him off my mind. (I'm sure the fact that the next day I happened to see him drive by my neighborhood as I was leaving -which is just odd since it's not his normal route home - does not help) I hate all the feelings this has stirred up. And I know that people are going to jump all over me responding as the reason, but I don't think that's it at all. In fact, I think responding to his email was actually more therapeutic for me than anything. At least I feel like I got to make it clear where I stood, and it felt so good to basically say "you're full of sh*t, and stay away" (paraphrasing obviously). I think it's more that he emailed me at all that is making this difficult. It just stirs up so many misplaced hopes and makes it hard to remember that I'm better off without him. I feel like I'm back at like month two or three. It would be nice if those that leave us behind just stayed gone. I'm sure this, too, will pass. But it just sucks...and I felt like complaining this afternoon. Edited October 19, 2011 by FinOuch Link to post Share on other sites
lymtal1 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 fin, been there done that. it is very easy to sit back and give others advice about what to do and this and that. yet in our own instances we have a hard time doing what might be the "right" thing. only you know what is right for you. so you did what you did. now get back on the horse and make it as impossible for contact of any kind. yea block block block everywhere. do it now so no response is possible. and don't convince yourself that you have backed up. you are probably not as far back as you think. you will feel it for some time then it will get better, you will see. yes from personal experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Thieves Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Ah... FinOuch, when I first attempted no contact, I went through with it for about three or four months. No very long, right? But during the entire time, I was practically waiting for him to contact me, as we had gotten into it and he seemed to be ignorning me. During that entire time of 'No Contact', I had no peace of mind nor any semblance of it; I was pining the whole time, wishing he'd reach out to me some way, somehow. However, I quickly realized it wasn't truly no contact, since I was hoping to get him back. Finally, I decided to break it and contact him one last time through email, which I'm sure people would've warned me against (since this was before I knew about these boards and how helpful they are), but I decided to do it because I'd finally given up and realized that if he really did care, we wouldn't have been acting like we did towards each other. Or I wouldn't feel like I was constantly being used like an old coat. The email was basically me apologizing, and saying I couldn't be friends with him anymore because I wished for more. I didn't expect him to really reply, though he did. But it doesn't matter what he said. All I know is that I said my piece before I went truly no contact, which is up until now, 8 months. I didn't feel immediately at peace after I sent him that email either. In fact, I felt like you -- not at ease, because it kind of threw me off a little bit. It wasn't sending him the email that was the problem, but that he actually replied. But when it came down to it, I did feel a little sense of relief, and later on I felt like it was the right thing to do. I still do, 100%. What makes it hard for me is thinking that I should've ended it earlier, instead of dragging it on so much. I wish I could've seen through all of his "I miss you's" and "I love you's", because even if they were true, it still didn't change anything or change how he treated me. It didn't change how much I was hurting. Anyway, I think if you feel you did the right thing by responding, then that's okay. It's normal that your feelings get a little stirred, or that you feel a little 'off'. Exes or not, they're still people we cared a lot about, so those feelings will come up naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
Dmoney28 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Finouch, my heart goes out to you..it truly does. I dont understand why he felt he needed to tell you these things...espeacially after the fact that he has a new girlfriend. Its almost cruel...like rubbing salt in a wound that they cut open. Now i wouldnt have open and responded if i had been in your position...but not enough time has past since your break-up, so no one can fault you for that. its only been 5 months. Most of us have been in your in your shoes, and have done the same thing regarding a e-mial from thier ex. So im glad you're not beating yourself up over it. All you can do is lick your wounds, and keep NC..any further emails from him, i would suggest deleting without reading. Who the F do these people think they are. They break up with people, say horrible things...then they want to relieve thier guilt or curiosity by contacting someone who is going through great emotional distress. I can give flying F if they want to resolve a issue with themselves...thats what counslers are for. If he wants to relieve his guilt, feel better about himself or the choice he made for a partner...talk to a Psychologis. Not someone you dumped. Good look on your healing process, i wish the best for you in the future. PS.. why is he driving down your street...clearly he isnt over the situation. but its not your job to help him move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FinOuch Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 I was hoping that in writing that email I would feel better after having said my piece, get back on track, and be able to move on. Obviously, since I'm back writing this stupid post, that is not how it has worked out... The fact that he contacted me at all has screwed with my mind for over a freakin' month now. I can't say that I feel like I did the wrong thing by responding. I'm pretty confident that my major failure was in not blocking his email address right from the start. Ever since I got his email, I've been expecting something to happen. This feeling has ebbed off a little, but it's still there. And even if I hadn't responded to his email - I'd still be driving myself crazy over why he emailed me, why he said what he did, and wondering whether he had a reality check or change of heart or...whatever would need to happen to bring him back. This has been hell. Thieves – I think you hit it spot on. Even though I'd been NC for over five months, and even though I had actually even gotten to a point where I'm enjoying my alone time...quasi-dating someone...opening up to the idea of maybe meeting (or perhaps even have already met) someone better suited for me...and generally just having fun with my life and my friends; in the depths of my heart I still had not accepted that he's not coming back. On some level I was still wishing, expecting, and waiting for some sort of contact. Actually worse. I think I've been wishing, expecting, and waiting for some attempt at reconciliation. And apparently I STILL am. And the weirdest thing about this is that on a rational level...my head has it's sh*t together. My mind knows that I'm better off without him. Mentally – I'd prefer that I never hear from him again. But in my heart that hope just wont die. I don't think I could honestly say that if he showed up at my door that I wouldn't at least listen to what he has to say. I'm frustrated. While the email may have set me back a little, I'm learning that the deeper problem is that I have not reached a point of accepting the breakup. After this long, I would've thought I'd be past this. Is there something I'm missing? Why can't I let it go? There's days I feel like I must be absolutely insane...or stupid...or something. Link to post Share on other sites
michelleishere Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 It's been a little more than five months since the breakup, and I was doing so well until the past few weeks. I'm sure it has everything to do with the fact the he broke contact a few weeks ago and sent me that email in which he said completely unnecessary and painful things – such as that he was sorry and didn't want to hurt me...and worse yet that he missed me, how important I would always be to him, and that he didn't leave me for the girl he's currently with. (Bullsh*t. All of it.) I ignored the email for a couple of weeks and immediately wrote it off as nothing more than a selfish attempt to make himself feel better...but yet it still stuck in my mind. I did end up writing back. While I'm normally a big advocate of no contact, I wrote it more for myself than for him. He indicated that he thought I had tried to get in contact with him two weeks prior, when I had not. I wanted to make that clear. I also felt that a non-response would be letting him off the hook, so to say. Again, I'm fairly certain he wrote that to alleviate his own guilt...not because he actually meant any of it. A completely selfish act. It wasn't long. It wasn't mean., yet it wasn't friendly. More like...formal. I mainly just indicated I did not try to contact him, and had no plans of doing so. That I did not believe he didn't leave me for the other woman, and the reasons why. That being missed or important (even if true) didn't matter. That I wasn't going to understand why he made the choices he had, and I didn't need to in order to move forward. And that to continue doing so I needed him to leave me alone. It felt good to write (started at like 1000+ words of emotional garbage which I managed to condense into a 200 word to-the-point email). It felt good to send. But it certainly hasn't taken him off my mind. (I'm sure the fact that the next day I happened to see him drive by my neighborhood as I was leaving -which is just odd since it's not his normal route home - does not help) I hate all the feelings this has stirred up. And I know that people are going to jump all over me responding as the reason, but I don't think that's it at all. In fact, I think responding to his email was actually more therapeutic for me than anything. At least I feel like I got to make it clear where I stood, and it felt so good to basically say "you're full of sh*t, and stay away" (paraphrasing obviously). I think it's more that he emailed me at all that is making this difficult. It just stirs up so many misplaced hopes and makes it hard to remember that I'm better off without him. I feel like I'm back at like month two or three. It would be nice if those that leave us behind just stayed gone. I'm sure this, too, will pass. But it just sucks...and I felt like complaining this afternoon. BIG HUGS!!! Contact does stir up emotion but truth be known you were too good for him anyway. Here's what I know, everytime you think of something fantastic, force yourself to think of something horrible he has done. I mean, the relationship wasn't perfect, right? If someone does not love you the way you love them, then it's their loss. Someone else deserves your love. You deserve someone who loves you 100% and is committed to you 100%. Besides, if he left you for someone else, history will repeat itself and he will leave her for someone else. Hoping you will meet someone that deserves a love as wonderful as yours Link to post Share on other sites
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