I faltered

[RickFox]

Well, first off, I have to thank Circular, if I didn't know he wasn't a professional I'd have thought he was. His insight and third party views have given me some insight as to what might be going thru my xMW's mind, even if I find it easier to believe she's heartless.

 

On Thursday I was at dinner and my phone went off, and here is what transpired, it was a text from 'her.'

 

To give you background I basically baited her. I have never had a FB account until recently, hated it in fact but I wondered if she looked me up, in fact I had this strong feeling she was watching my page so I put a few things on there that only she would catch onto. Here are the messages I received:

 

The first one said, "A friend clued me in on the stuff you've been posting, I've been leaving you alone for a reason, which I'd rather not get into. Please just let it go."

 

We dont have any mutual friends, much less anyone else who knows Im on facebook.

 

Twenty minutes later I get this "If this is even still your phone number, probably not.."

Two minutes later: "Hate me all you want, but I only wish the best for you. I'll leave you alone again now."

 

I didn't respond, I told myself over and over not to, and yet, when I got off from work that morning I texted her and told her that "I don't hate you, in fact quite the opposite."

 

Later in the morning I received a text from her asking to meet me and I sent the same thing at the same time. So we met at the Target and walked around and talked for a while, I told her how I felt as far as her just shutting me out, she said she thought I hated her and felt that it was easier for her to move on but now it was difficult. She asked me if meeting her was helping or hurting and I said "both."

 

I told her I loved her, and it didn't occur til later that I never received that back, told her it sucked to be in love with someone who can't love you back but that's the way it is. I reached out and touched her face, twice, and she never pulled back but said, "don't make this harder on yourself." Man, I'm looking back while typing this and thinking that was rather cold.

 

We agreed we were stupid in the way we went about things, and for even doing what we did as it ruined so much but all the things she said in the past never came back up from her. A good guy says we were both in a state of emotional shock. She told me her marriage had its ups and downs and more ups than downs for now. I called her on what I saw, that they don't hold hands, she walks three feet in front of him, they don't sit near each other...but whatever.

 

When we parted ways I texted her and asked if she felt anything when she looked at me like I felt for her. Her response was "I refuse to answer that question as it won't do any good."

 

We texted from Friday afternoon into the late evening and alot of it was flirtatious on both sides, it felt like having my friend back until she said something and I made a reference to something we did and she said "behave" I jokingly texted, "my bad" and then I got this one right in the gut: "Im not upset but I dont want to go down that path again and I don't want to lead you on or give you the idea that itll go there again. Im trying to put that as nicely as possible. I hate that Ive hurt you, I hate that my attempts to make it easier for you had the opposite effect, I wish I could heal your heart =( All things aside I still care about you very much and dont want you to hurt."

 

I responded, "ok, just sayin' my bad." Her response was "lol, okay, ugh, I dunno, my head's been spinning since yesterday" And then she said she was going to bed. I said good night, and it is now Wednesday, there hasn't been one single text from her. We were playing Words With Friends and every now and then she'd send a generic message but after the last game when it asked if I wanted a rematch, I clicked no. She hasn't reached out for any type of contact since. I guess she was doing me a favor once again but this time, Im glad.

 

There has been nothing from her, back to square one and believe it or not, it's fine with me now, I see it for what it is and what it isn't. I had my little fit, I screwed up by contacting her and seeing her. Add to that, that when the kids questioned why they couldn't see each other outside of school, instead of telling her kid something generic, she told her that my wife was a liar (my wife says that Mrs.X hurt mommys feelings very badly) and didn't want them to be friends. I am more at peace now with this decision.

 

I'll devote myself to my marriage fully and myself and if my marriage fails, it will be because I further failed, not because of this woman. Today, even my therapist said that I need to be firm about this as he too believes she will come running back to me. I will be firm. Im done.

[woinlove]

I'm sorry, but reading that all I can think is this is the type of woman you chose? She tells her child that your wife is a liar? She plays these games instead of just communicating with kindness and thought to someone she claims to care about?

 

But, now you say you want to commit to your M. Why? Is it because of something this woman said or did or the way you now see her? You still seem pretty stuck on this woman, so I'm not really seeing you being able to commit to your M. What are your reasons for not divorcing?

[bentnotbroken]

WOW, you wife is:(. You don't like being second best, but it is okay with you to put your wife in that position.

[RickFox]

I'm sorry, but reading that all I can think is this is the type of woman you chose? She tells her child that your wife is a liar? She plays these games instead of just communicating with kindness and thought to someone she claims to care about?

 

But, now you say you want to commit to your M. Why? Is it because of something this woman said or did or the way you now see her? You still seem pretty stuck on this woman, so I'm not really seeing you being able to commit to your M. What are your reasons for not divorcing?

 

I have 17 years with my wife, she loves me and wants us to reconnect. I want that too and yes, I see the OW more for what she is. Obviously I don't communicate every bit of my life on here concerning my marraige but we have been working on it and things have progressed. Just like everyone else on here, we have a little problem with letting go at times, at least Ive admitted it.

 

As stated before, I wanted some type of closure and I guess this gave it to me ... I got my questions answered.

 

As far as putting my wife in 2nd place, I put her there long before the affair started and it is time I put her back in her place fully. I never claimed to be a good or great guy, but Im learning and trying and I don't want to get a divorce because I do love my wife.

[woinlove]

I have 17 years with my wife, she loves me and wants us to reconnect. I want that too and yes, I see the OW more for what she is. Obviously I don't communicate every bit of my life on here concerning my marraige but we have been working on it and things have progressed. Just like everyone else on here, we have a little problem with letting go at times, at least Ive admitted it.

 

As stated before, I wanted some type of closure and I guess this gave it to me ... I got my questions answered.

 

As far as putting my wife in 2nd place, I put her there long before the affair started and it is time I put her back in her place fully. I never claimed to be a good or great guy, but Im learning and trying and I don't want to get a divorce because I do love my wife.

 

I wish you the best in building a satisfying M. The cases here that have done that after an A seem to be cases where the MM/MW really fully committed as soon as they saw the devastation their A caused. So you aren't following any pattern that I recognize from success stories and I think the ones, like you, who even months after d-day don't put their spouse and M before their AP typically end up divorced.

 

What does your W think of this "closure" or does she know?

[spice4life]

Your kids have now been effected - that alone should make you a 180. Good luck to you.

[Snowflower]

I wish you the best in building a satisfying M. The cases here that have done that after an A seem to be cases where the MM/MW really fully committed as soon as they saw the devastation their A caused. So you aren't following any pattern that I recognize from success stories and I think the ones, like you, who even months after d-day don't put their spouse and M before their AP typically end up divorced.

 

What does your W think of this "closure" or does she know?

 

I second this ^^^^

 

I applaud you for being brave and honest with us here. Now you need to do the same for your wife.

 

Not that it matters, but your xOW seemed to handle things during your meeting in a dignified, kind manner. She didn't give false hope, she wasn't rude to you and seemed honest.

 

I was thinking all was good until the cr*p she said about your wife! Honestly, did you even defend your wife to OW when she said your wife was a liar? Did you set the OW straight and to not talk cr*p about your wife?

[spice4life]

I second this ^^^^

 

I applaud you for being brave and honest with us here. Now you need to do the same for your wife.

 

Not that it matters, but your xOW seemed to handle things during your meeting in a dignified, kind manner. She didn't give false hope, she wasn't rude to you and seemed honest.

 

I was thinking all was good until the cr*p she said about your wife! Honestly, did you even defend your wife to OW when she said your wife was a liar? Did you set the OW straight and to not talk cr*p about your wife?

 

I agree.

 

Rick, grieving is normal, but you need to quit analyzing her and looking for a place to put the blame. When I experienced the yo-yoing effect in my affair, I accepted full responsibility for myself and my actions. I realized it didn't matter who thought what, I just accepted that I made the choice to be involved and it was MY choice whether or not I stayed. Your OW did the right thing by staying away and honestly, you should have respected that and not tried to bait her. I understand it may be hard to let go, but baiting her was a very childish thing to do. Anger is a normal when grieving, but demonizing her because she did the right thing by walking away is not right. If you continue down that path then you will not be able to truly focus on your marriage and fix what really went wrong. The OW was just a symptom of a bigger issue in your marriage. That is completely on YOU and your WIFE to fix - it has nothing at all to do with your X-OW. Leave her out of it and move on. Quit testing and baiting her - it's not fair to anyone, including her.

[Emme]

I hope this gives you the closure you were looking for. I think you needed it. Some can move forward without it but I'm glad you got it. You have faced a lot in a short time and now I think your head on straight. Good luck with your marriage. Remember you have to give of yourself and if you are ready share this info with your wife. By the way get off Facebook. Change your email and your phone number. Do it now. If you want to give your marriage a 100% you have to cut all ties. Good luck hun.

[heartinlove]

told her it sucked to be in love with someone who can't love you back but that's the way it is.

 

I thought it was interesting no one else commented on this.

 

I bet thats how your wife feels right now too. So you are in love with the OW. Are you in love with your wife? If not, does she know?

 

It sounds like you love your wife, want to do the right thing etc.... but I don't hear anything in your posts to suggest you are in love with your wife. If not, how will you get that back if you are to stay married or will you stay married regardless.

[RickFox]

told her it sucked to be in love with someone who can't love you back but that's the way it is.

 

I thought it was interesting no one else commented on this.

 

I bet thats how your wife feels right now too. So you are in love with the OW. Are you in love with your wife? If not, does she know?

 

It sounds like you love your wife, want to do the right thing etc.... but I don't hear anything in your posts to suggest you are in love with your wife. If not, how will you get that back if you are to stay married or will you stay married regardless.

 

We had a big disconnect, or I did, and yes I do love my wife, plan on giving it my all and will try to find each other again. I will have to look within myself to find what I lost. Im not focused on the OW and the point of this post, despite those ripping into me, was to show others that anyone can relapse, there's an attachment to that other person you were with. I was friends with the OW for about a year or a bit over before things clicked and we got involved, that built up the feelings far far worse than a three month fling.

 

Like I said in the title, I faltered, I broke NC, I screwed up but we didnt rip each others clothes off, we didn't kiss, and I got what I was looking for. Im looking ahead and not back.

 

To answer someone's question about whether I told the other woman off when she called my wife a liar, no I didn't and here's why. My daughter told me this information, which came from her daughter who heard it from her mother as to why they can't see each other. I see now she's got one lie from the next to cover her tracks. I feel sorry for her now and I feel sorry for her husband and I feel horrible that she betrayed my wife's friendship as did I.

 

Like I said, moving forward now.

 

Oh and thank you Emme.

[Gentlegirl]

Never mind... just get up and keep on going.

 

The temptation is great at times.

 

My xMM was recently viewing me on a dating website and leaving personal messages in his profile greeting.

 

It was impossible for me not read what he was saying... scattering crumbs again. I contacted him, said a lot of things that had been swirling around in my mind for 11 months.

 

He told me when he dumped me that he would be working on getting his life and his marriage back together again. So there he was on a dating website, on the prowl again.

 

It gave me an opportunity to say what had been left unsaid 11 months by me. It also took a lot out of me.

 

Being in any contact with xs seems put us all back there for a while. It's been a week since I had my say and just starting to feel a bit more balanced. It might take you a couple of moments to get you balance back also. CONTACT is toxic.

 

If you do all the right things ,RF ,and make our wife the star of your life, you will be ok too. I KNOW how it feels to be the star of a husband's life..

 

GG

[Choose Life]

You can't help who you love, and love is a strong emotion. My xMM once told me he was in love with me, but still loved his wife. They have been together for 20 years, since high school! He has since moved on to another OW, I think in his head it's ok to mess about, but when it gets serious that was too much! I think you have your closure, had the same said to me pretty much. I think it's now time to just concentrate on your marriage if you can. I wish you the best of luck :-)

[East7]

So she was staying away because she "thought" you hated her ?

 

Wow how selfless she is ! I don't buy that at all RF. She stayed away because she wanted to build some resentment for being able to get over you and she did.

 

She came back because she is still addicted to the thrill but she has no real feelings for you.

 

When we parted ways I texted her and asked if she felt anything when she looked at me like I felt for her. Her response was "I refuse to answer that question as it won't do any good."

 

Translation : No I didn't.

 

Otherwise it would have been : I did feel the same but we are going nowhere.

 

We texted from Friday afternoon into the late evening and alot of it was flirtatious on both sides, it felt like having my friend back until she said something and I made a reference to something we did and she said "behave" I jokingly texted, "my bad" and then I got this one right in the gut: "Im not upset but I dont want to go down that path again and I don't want to lead you on or give you the idea that itll go there again. Im trying to put that as nicely as possible. I hate that Ive hurt you, I hate that my attempts to make it easier for you had the opposite effect, I wish I could heal your heart =( All things aside I still care about you very much and dont want you to hurt."

This is blah-blahing just to make it lighter, she isn't into you anymore RF. She does feel guilty for hurting you but that's all.

 

You are both still addicted to each-other, the difference is that your MW has already moved-on. She accepted to meet you because she wanted some thrill again, but she doesn't care about your feelings !

 

Maybe I'm not telling you what you want to hear RF, I'm telling you the truth based on my experience too.

 

Both of you are doing this behind your spouses' back which means you both aren't yet committed to work on your Ms.

 

I don't blame you for going back to her RF, I know you craved it and that's normal after an A. But you will not have anything to expect or hope for. Your MW is staying with her H and the sooner you make up your mind, the sooner you will move on.

 

BTW your wife is being a hero for still waiting you to reinvest in your marriage. I don't know what you don't like with your wife, but she certainly deserves much more than your MW.

Edited October 20, 2011 by East7

[woinlove]

To answer someone's question about whether I told the other woman off when she called my wife a liar, no I didn't and here's why. My daughter told me this information, which came from her daughter who heard it from her mother as to why they can't see each other. I see now she's got one lie from the next to cover her tracks. I feel sorry for her now and I feel sorry for her husband and I feel horrible that she betrayed my wife's friendship as did I.

 

 

How awful that your daughter had to hear this false slander against her mother. Awful for the OW's daughter too. I hope you were able to tell your daughter something that made it clear she had absolutely no reason to believe this about her mother. Of course, that leaves the other daughter wondering who is really lying here. I don't know how you wrap your head around the OW doing this to the children and you still tell the OW that you love her. Your poor family.

[bentnotbroken]

You can't help who you love, and love is a strong emotion. My xMM once told me he was in love with me, but still loved his wife. They have been together for 20 years, since high school! He has since moved on to another OW, I think in his head it's ok to mess about, but when it gets serious that was too much! I think you have your closure, had the same said to me pretty much. I think it's now time to just concentrate on your marriage if you can. I wish you the best of luck :-)

 

 

This statement is usually used to explain poor choices.

[woinlove]

You can't help who you love, and love is a strong emotion. My xMM once told me he was in love with me, but still loved his wife. They have been together for 20 years, since high school! He has since moved on to another OW, I think in his head it's ok to mess about, but when it gets serious that was too much! I think you have your closure, had the same said to me pretty much. I think it's now time to just concentrate on your marriage if you can. I wish you the best of luck :-)

 

The bolded is not true for me. I can't help who I feel an attraction to, but I can help whether I choose to act on that, get to know them intimately enough to love them or even entertain the idea of them as a romantic interest at all. I suspect lots of people do this, whether deliberately or instinctively. I.e., instinctively may happen for some with the romantic interests of their siblings, children, etc as they just consider such people off-limits for their own romantic interests and immediately view that person through their family connection. Of course, as we know from the stories, some don't consider anyone off-limits and may even end up pursuing their son's or daughter's spouse.

 

People also have control over who they chose to profess their love to. I'm still puzzled, Rick, that you felt you needed to tell the OW you loved her, not only after you made your W think you wanted to commit to your M, but even after the OW hurt your daughter just to propagate a lie and try to make your W look like the one who behaved poorly. I hope you address this in therapy because issues like this will need to be resolved if you are to connect in a healthy way with your family, whether you divorce or not.

[RickFox]

East7, You are absolutely right.

 

To everyone else, I DID NOT know about what she told her daughter about my wife being a liar until the day I posted this story. Perhaps I wasn't chronologically clear but hearing that opened my eyes a bit more.

 

Me meeting this woman was a necessary step for me to close the book and move on, maybe many of you don't like it but it was my choice, made by me for me.

 

I'm done with the OW, no more facebook messages, no more hoping to run into her, my marriage goes on or it doesn't and there is no one else to come between me and my wife, it falls on me.

[findingnemo]

Hi RF,

 

It seems to me that you are both trying to save your Ms but yet somehow still attracted to each other, even possibly still in love. Your MW may not be as bad as you think. But if you've decided to work on your marriage, you can paint whatever picture you need to move on. But make a decision to move on. As you have demonstrated, breaking NC wrecks havoc on our emotions. Suddenly the person you were so convinced was selfish, etc doesn't seem so bad. You need time to help you figure out if you can save your M. You need to figure out what made you cheat and if those issues can be overcome so that your M gets back on track.

 

You feel torn because you are. You broke NC because NC is really hard. MW telling her daughter that your W is a liar is bad, but also understandable. She probably didn't know how to respond to her daughter when suddenly confronted about why she hurt her friend. Wrong response, but understandable. No more Facebook. I swear Facebook has led to a whole lot of trouble in Ms and even As. So you made a mistake. Forgive yourself and give your M 100% from now on. This way you will discover what makes you happy. Maybe your M will work out, maybe it won't. But the reason shouldn't be the MW. Let her give 100% to her M as she seems to be doing. Let time take care of things. Let time resolve in your mind what you really feel but take it one day and one R at a time.

 

Good luck.

[bentnotbroken]

Hi RF,

 

It seems to me that you are both trying to save your Ms but yet somehow still attracted to each other, even possibly still in love. Your MW may not be as bad as you think. But if you've decided to work on your marriage, you can paint whatever picture you need to move on. But make a decision to move on. As you have demonstrated, breaking NC wrecks havoc on our emotions. Suddenly the person you were so convinced was selfish, etc doesn't seem so bad. You need time to help you figure out if you can save your M. You need to figure out what made you cheat and if those issues can be overcome so that your M gets back on track.

 

You feel torn because you are. You broke NC because NC is really hard. MW telling her daughter that your W is a liar is bad, but also understandable. She probably didn't know how to respond to her daughter when suddenly confronted about why she hurt her friend. Wrong response, but understandable. No more Facebook. I swear Facebook has led to a whole lot of trouble in Ms and even As. So you made a mistake. Forgive yourself and give your M 100% from now on. This way you will discover what makes you happy. Maybe your M will work out, maybe it won't. But the reason shouldn't be the MW. Let her give 100% to her M as she seems to be doing. Let time take care of things. Let time resolve in your mind what you really feel but take it one day and one R at a time.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Facebook isn't the culprit. It only facilitates what is already there to do anyway. Whether the intent is conscious, it is there. It is strange that there are people on facebook who don't feel the need to put their marriage or family at risk by having secret flings through facebook or anything else for that matter.

[serial muse]

Never mind.

[findingnemo]

Facebook isn't the culprit. It only facilitates what is already there to do anyway. Whether the intent is conscious, it is there. It is strange that there are people on facebook who don't feel the need to put their marriage or family at risk by having secret flings through facebook or anything else for that matter.

 

Bent, you're right that Facebook and other social networking sites are not entirely to blame. No one needs them in order to cheat. My point was that when you are in NC, you need to minimize exposure to temptation. A number of people have blocked APs on Skype and other chat apps simply because having the persons photo or seeing thier updates can lead to a lot more. The OP consciously tempted the xMW using FB. But yes, the culprits are the human beings involved.

[woinlove]

 

You feel torn because you are. You broke NC because NC is really hard. MW telling her daughter that your W is a liar is bad, but also understandable. She probably didn't know how to respond to her daughter when suddenly confronted about why she hurt her friend. Wrong response, but understandable. No more Facebook. I swear Facebook has led to a whole lot of trouble in Ms and even As. So you made a mistake. Forgive yourself and give your M 100% from now on. This way you will discover what makes you happy. Maybe your M will work out, maybe it won't. But the reason shouldn't be the MW. Let her give 100% to her M as she seems to be doing. Let time take care of things. Let time resolve in your mind what you really feel but take it one day and one R at a time.

 

Not sure how understandable this is. I suppose a person who will lie to their spouse and lie to their AP, may also lie to their child and spread lies about others.

 

Rick, sorry for confusing the timelines. I assumed the children were told something closer to d-day or when school started again. My mistake. I do hope you were able to reassure your daughter, although there is nothing much you can do about her and her friend hearing two versions and perhaps not being certain no matter what is said now. Often I hear about children being in therapy after the fallout of an affair, and I can see why. When the lies spread to them, it is heartbreaking.

[FirstNobleTruth]

Okay, so you got your "closure". Are you done yet? It doesn't look like it from here.

 

I find your present situation very disheartening. Your recent contact with this woman was not just a little "slip," some random event that caught you unawares and resulted in a moment of weakness that you now regret.

 

You planned this, Rick. You set up your FB account to "bait" her. (What?!) You strung out a text conversation with her, set up a meeting, declared your love, and followed up with more texts. From here, that looks like a very calculated course of conduct, and very selfish and dishonest, too. If you can't see that you are entirely responsible for this whole sequence of events, then you're really not ready to heal.

 

Here's what you said a couple of weeks ago:

"I share everything now with my wife, it is she who holds back when I ask her to share, but I won't push it, not now. I have told her that if the OW ever contacts me I will tell her as soon as it happens. If my phone goes off, I show her who it is, I ask her to get it and see who it is...I am not keeping that from her."

 

That didn't hold up entirely, did it? That got put on hold while you laid your plans to get your closure, didn't it? Well, now you know what "closure" feels like. It doesn't really get any clearer or better than this.

 

So, are you done now?

 

It's time to get honest.

[thomasb]

You didn't falter Rick. You failed. Your self and your wife.