woinlove Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 It's time to get honest. I'll second this. Especially with yourself. The reason some of us are questioning whether you should stay married is because we think if you were really honest with yourself, the answer would be "no". You may have an image of yourself as a married man with a family, but a working marriage is not an image, it is a commitment, a desire, a dream, a comfort, a challenge,... and most of us gladly throw our hearts and minds into it because it is such an important part of our lives. I don't see even a hint of that in any of your posts. And where our heart and minds really are is not so easily hidden, so I don't buy that you are just hiding it from us. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Emotional disconnect. Big. Link to post Share on other sites
despicableME Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 WOW Rick. You sound like the OW here. You got played, and want her back, but she sees it for what it REALLY was- just a fling. This is what I mean when an AP partner cares, but doesn't love the other AP... see the detached nature of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickFox Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 WOW Rick. You sound like the OW here. You got played, and want her back, but she sees it for what it REALLY was- just a fling. This is what I mean when an AP partner cares, but doesn't love the other AP... see the detached nature of it. In regards to your thread I assume you're making the point. I didn't say you loved your AP, I just think you were minimizing your emotions for her. In regards to my situation, lol, yeah, I sound like the OW, I fell for her and to be honest, not really sure she cared about anything but herself. No doubt about it, as far as Im concerned, I got played, whatever she thinks or did or why she did it is irrelevant, I have no time anymore to wonder about it. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I hope things are going much better in your M now. Are they? Do you still think about MOW since you get to see her at the kids' school? Link to post Share on other sites
despicableME Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) I just think you were minimizing your emotions for her. Call it what you will, I wasn't minimizing my emotions for her, but I think you might have been projecting what you wanted out of your situation onto mine. Like I said before, there are some feelings there just not the "love" factor. If I may ask... I'm guessing you didn't instantly "fall" for her, so at what point did you fall? What I mean is... did you let yourself fall in love with her? Could you have seperated that emotional aspect of it, or was it just inevitable that you would develope those feelings given the type of intimacy being shared? Edited December 3, 2011 by despicableME Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickFox Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 I hope things are going much better in your M now. Are they? Do you still think about MOW since you get to see her at the kids' school? Things are better, there are still issues and seeing her is difficult at times but I minimize that for now by picking my daughter up on a different side of the school. If I see her it's only in passing and not up close ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickFox Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 Call it what you will, I wasn't minimizing my emotions for her, but I think you might have been projecting what you wanted out of your situation onto mine. Like I said before, there are some feelings there just not the "love" factor. If I may ask... I'm guessing you didn't instantly "fall" for her, so at what point did you fall? What I mean is... did you let yourself fall in love with her? Could you have seperated that emotional aspect of it, or was it just inevitable that you would develope those feelings given the type of intimacy being shared? No, I'm not projecting, I just can't see how it matters about the OW if you only cared at the time...but let's not beat a dead horse, I'll take your word for it that it is what it is, and was what it was and for that, IMO, you are lucky that's all it is. No, I didn't instantly fall for her, we had about a year where we hung out almost every day, before and/or after school and sometimes as couples where she and I would just exclude our own spouses. I didn't actually open myself up to falling for her until she put it out there as to how she was feeling. I don't know if it was inevitable or not, but it started off with us agreeing "to have fun with it and see where it goes". It wasn't supposed to be serious but maybe it would have ended in the same spot if it had gone on longer.......I'll never truly know. I can say that in the beginning I did in fact tell myself there was nothing to get attached to ... funny how quickly that changed. Link to post Share on other sites
despicableME Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) I didn't actually open myself up to falling for her By "opening up," do you mean letting yourself fall for her? I can say that in the beginning I did in fact tell myself there was nothing to get attached to ... funny how quickly that changed. I see. But could you have gone on through the affair without falling in love. Was it possible for you to do this? Edited December 3, 2011 by despicableME Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickFox Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 Isn't there something inherently wrong with your thought process Rick since you didn't value your marriage or your wife or your commitment very much since you would approach an affair with such a casual attitude of "lets just have fun"? Was this your 1st affair or have you had others that you remained emotionally unattached? Never had an affair up until this one and honestly all my relationships were not emotionally detached ones. I have always given myself to my relationships and honestly, I may not have fallen in love with her at any given point but I was probably emotionally attached more than I knew. Oh it says a world of my thought process, I was completely emotionally detached from my wife and I justified the affair by severing our connection even more to the point where I was texting the other woman in front of her at all times without caring. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickFox Posted December 4, 2011 Author Share Posted December 4, 2011 In my case and I suspect yours, being involved in an affair turns us in to people who do some really ****ty things, (myself included). That's not who I am now, but I still look back and think ugggg. I hope you and your wife can find your way back to each other and have a good relationship. Being alone can suck. We are working on it, both of us knowing it is not going to be easy nor is it easy. It's a daily struggle for her, and for me as I go thru bouts of wanting to be single and then wanting to stay married, but we can chalk that up to the ol' midlife thing. I refuse to make a decision with a clouded thought process (if only Id done that before) and yeah, I definitely became something I wasn't and did things I didn't think Id do, but part of that was having a youthful AP, and me seeing myself as getting older and so on. As far as being alone, big fear of mine, but I don't want to keep her from happiness if I can't get ahold of mine. The last thing I want do is leave my daughter with a broken home but in the end, if it's not working, it is better for all of us. Problem is, I was really willing to do whatever I had to do to be with the xMW, knowing the chances for a successful relationship were slim to none, especially with trust issues, talk about bad judgment. Link to post Share on other sites
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