am i making a bigger deal out of this or should i be worried?

[rubyjuly]

im here today feeling a burden, but i tend to doubt myself so I dont know if some of the things Im worried about are really not that big of a deal, or am i right to be concerned? In other words are some of these things normal once your with a person for a while, I mean I realize people act more passionate and better behavior in the starting out dating phase...once your with someone a long time you kind of settle in and stuff...so im just not sure if I am being overly sensitive to some things that may just be normal, or if they truly are cause for concern?

 

few examples of what Im referring to--

 

my bf used to take me every so often to a movie, dance, etc. He would from time to time surprise me with a small gift, i.e. flowers, a musical card, etc. just bc he loves me....

 

However, over i would say about the past 5 months he really doesnt get me little token surprises like that and rarely takes me out. I dont like to go out a whole lot, I am more of a homebody but do really enjoy getting out somewhere to dance, or a movie once a week or twice a month. We used to do alot of stuff like that even simple stuff like go on a walk, ride a trolley etc. but for the past few months he mostly doesnt seem interested in the effort to do those things...

 

then I get confused because over the weekend i was in the ER with a healthscare, he was worried sick and pacing, found his way back to my room and was by my side being very lovable...a couple days later though and i feel almost nonexistent...

 

Another thing I noticed is he seems more distant, not having his arm around me as much stuff like that...

 

a few days ago, i started to talk to him and he just said 'leave me alone' and kept wathcing t.v. If he had used the 'b' word, I would feel like it was verbal abuse, but he didnt cuss me out, yet somehow it felt so abusive...for no reason, we werent arguing, he just said 'leave me alone'

 

a couple weeks ago he did apologize to me for being mean, i was glad he realized it..hoping he would feel bad and start being more kind and loving towards me..but for the most part i feel taken for granted and nothing special to him...he says he loves me...but rarely wants to go do something fun together...

 

im really not a complicated person...i just want to know he realy loves and values me as a priority in his life but feel more like a posession to him

 

the other day we had plans, at the last minute a friend called and he left to go with that friend instead...i asked him to pls keep our plans and he said we can do something later..

 

I know in first part of a relationship couples are all excited to see each other, show alot of affection and apreciation, etc. ..so I dont know if this is normal after being together a long time, or if it should worry me

 

am i making a bigger deal out of this than it is? i even worry maybe he isnt in love with me anymore, although i know he loves me...

 

i dont know if this is just how he is when he's been with someone a long time, or if it means he isnt happy being with me?

[Shiloh 2011]

im here today feeling a burden, but i tend to doubt myself so I dont know if some of the things Im worried about are really not that big of a deal, or am i right to be concerned? In other words are some of these things normal once your with a person for a while, I mean I realize people act more passionate and better behavior in the starting out dating phase...once your with someone a long time you kind of settle in and stuff...so im just not sure if I am being overly sensitive to some things that may just be normal, or if they truly are cause for concern?

 

few examples of what Im referring to--

 

my bf used to take me every so often to a movie, dance, etc. He would from time to time surprise me with a small gift, i.e. flowers, a musical card, etc. just bc he loves me....

 

However, over i would say about the past 5 months he really doesnt get me little token surprises like that and rarely takes me out. I dont like to go out a whole lot, I am more of a homebody but do really enjoy getting out somewhere to dance, or a movie once a week or twice a month. We used to do alot of stuff like that even simple stuff like go on a walk, ride a trolley etc. but for the past few months he mostly doesnt seem interested in the effort to do those things...

 

then I get confused because over the weekend i was in the ER with a healthscare, he was worried sick and pacing, found his way back to my room and was by my side being very lovable...a couple days later though and i feel almost nonexistent...

 

Another thing I noticed is he seems more distant, not having his arm around me as much stuff like that...

 

a few days ago, i started to talk to him and he just said 'leave me alone' and kept wathcing t.v. If he had used the 'b' word, I would feel like it was verbal abuse, but he didnt cuss me out, yet somehow it felt so abusive...for no reason, we werent arguing, he just said 'leave me alone'

 

a couple weeks ago he did apologize to me for being mean, i was glad he realized it..hoping he would feel bad and start being more kind and loving towards me..but for the most part i feel taken for granted and nothing special to him...he says he loves me...but rarely wants to go do something fun together...

 

im really not a complicated person...i just want to know he realy loves and values me as a priority in his life but feel more like a posession to him

 

the other day we had plans, at the last minute a friend called and he left to go with that friend instead...i asked him to pls keep our plans and he said we can do something later..

 

I know in first part of a relationship couples are all excited to see each other, show alot of affection and apreciation, etc. ..so I dont know if this is normal after being together a long time, or if it should worry me

 

am i making a bigger deal out of this than it is? i even worry maybe he isnt in love with me anymore, although i know he loves me...

 

i dont know if this is just how he is when he's been with someone a long time, or if it means he isnt happy being with me?

 

In a very low key, non threatening, yet firm way tell him what you're feeling and ask him to provide some feedback. If he refuses to talk about it, tell him he's confirming your worst fears.

 

And ask yourself: if he refuses to talk or acknowledge any concerns you have, what are you prepared to do about it?

[google_girl]

This guy has started falling out of love with you.You need to pull back yourself and see if he comes towards you.Give him lot of space.Stop showing affection.Make your plans and go out with you friends see if he calls you or shows he is missing you in any way.

If not then probably this relationship is over now.

[findingnemo]

This guy has started falling out of love with you.You need to pull back yourself and see if he comes towards you.Give him lot of space.Stop showing affection.Make your plans and go out with you friends see if he calls you or shows he is missing you in any way.

If not then probably this relationship is over now.

 

^^^^^^I agree with this except the part about falling out of love. You can't be sure right now.

 

He may be stressed about something and is embarrassed to admit it to you. He probably thinks he will deal with it himself. If this goes on, he'll pull away from you emotionally because he is keeping a secret.

 

Regardless, do what google_girl says. Fill your time with fun stuff. Go to the gym, meet friends, go to the movies and be happy on your own. At some point, he'll have to start talking to you. He'll come to you and tell you what the problem is. It may be a silly thing that he's worried about, it may be serious. You can deal with it only after you know what it is. You can only know when he's ready to talk about it.

[Lucky_One]

How long have you been dating? Are you living together, for how long, and who suggested it?

[KathyM]

im here today feeling a burden, but i tend to doubt myself so I dont know if some of the things Im worried about are really not that big of a deal, or am i right to be concerned? In other words are some of these things normal once your with a person for a while, I mean I realize people act more passionate and better behavior in the starting out dating phase...once your with someone a long time you kind of settle in and stuff...so im just not sure if I am being overly sensitive to some things that may just be normal, or if they truly are cause for concern?

 

few examples of what Im referring to--

 

my bf used to take me every so often to a movie, dance, etc. He would from time to time surprise me with a small gift, i.e. flowers, a musical card, etc. just bc he loves me....

 

However, over i would say about the past 5 months he really doesnt get me little token surprises like that and rarely takes me out. I dont like to go out a whole lot, I am more of a homebody but do really enjoy getting out somewhere to dance, or a movie once a week or twice a month. We used to do alot of stuff like that even simple stuff like go on a walk, ride a trolley etc. but for the past few months he mostly doesnt seem interested in the effort to do those things...

 

then I get confused because over the weekend i was in the ER with a healthscare, he was worried sick and pacing, found his way back to my room and was by my side being very lovable...a couple days later though and i feel almost nonexistent...

 

Another thing I noticed is he seems more distant, not having his arm around me as much stuff like that...

 

a few days ago, i started to talk to him and he just said 'leave me alone' and kept wathcing t.v. If he had used the 'b' word, I would feel like it was verbal abuse, but he didnt cuss me out, yet somehow it felt so abusive...for no reason, we werent arguing, he just said 'leave me alone'

 

a couple weeks ago he did apologize to me for being mean, i was glad he realized it..hoping he would feel bad and start being more kind and loving towards me..but for the most part i feel taken for granted and nothing special to him...he says he loves me...but rarely wants to go do something fun together...

 

im really not a complicated person...i just want to know he realy loves and values me as a priority in his life but feel more like a posession to him

 

the other day we had plans, at the last minute a friend called and he left to go with that friend instead...i asked him to pls keep our plans and he said we can do something later..

 

I know in first part of a relationship couples are all excited to see each other, show alot of affection and apreciation, etc. ..so I dont know if this is normal after being together a long time, or if it should worry me

 

am i making a bigger deal out of this than it is? i even worry maybe he isnt in love with me anymore, although i know he loves me...

 

i dont know if this is just how he is when he's been with someone a long time, or if it means he isnt happy being with me?

It's not you, it's him. The way he is treating you has nothing to do with you. He is not into having fun, and showing consideration or giving tokens of affection are not in his nature. He just did it early on in the relationship to get the relationship going, but he is already at the stage where he is taking you for granted. Time to dump this guy and find someone better. It's not going to get better with this one, because it's not in his nature to be the way you want and need him to be. The way men who value their relationship should be. It's not going to get better, it will only get worse over time, if that is possible. Sounds pretty bad at this point. If he does try to improve in order to keep you, it will only be temporarily, and then as soon as your relationship is back on track, he'll be back to starting to ignore you and taking you for granted. I've seen that firsthand in both of my sister's marriages. It's not a fun place to be, and you end up nagging and fighting with the guy just to get a little bit of attention. Time to dump this guy and move on to someone who puts more effort into the relationship and values it more than this guy does.

[Teslacoil]

This guy has started falling out of love with you.You need to pull back yourself and see if he comes towards you.Give him lot of space.Stop showing affection.Make your plans and go out with you friends see if he calls you or shows he is missing you in any way.

If not then probably this relationship is over now.

 

^^^^^^I agree with this except the part about falling out of love. You can't be sure right now.

 

He may be stressed about something and is embarrassed to admit it to you. He probably thinks he will deal with it himself. If this goes on, he'll pull away from you emotionally because he is keeping a secret.

 

Regardless, do what google_girl says. Fill your time with fun stuff. Go to the gym, meet friends, go to the movies and be happy on your own. At some point, he'll have to start talking to you. He'll come to you and tell you what the problem is. It may be a silly thing that he's worried about, it may be serious. You can deal with it only after you know what it is. You can only know when he's ready to talk about it.

 

Oh, this is bullcrap. Don't follow this crappy advice.

 

Your BF is getting distant. He is mean to you on occasion, isn't putting much energy into your relationship, and is not communicating with you about why.

 

So yes, the PERFECT thing for you to do is play some kind of dumb passive-aggressive game with him by "pulling away" and trying to make him talk to you. You do this, and I can almost 100% guarantee what's going to happen.

 

You play this little game, it goes on for a couple weeks. He's doing just fine watching TV and doing whatever he's doing, and probably doesn't even notice. This makes you furious. Eventually you yell at him, and tell him that you've been pulling back from him, hoping that he'd start talking to you. Your Boyfriend will then be furious at you in return for blaming him for not noticing your efforts, when you could have just talked to him.

 

To summarize:

 

Don't follow this crappy advice. I assume you're an adult.

 

Your boyfriend is "getting comfortable". He's also withdrawing, and doesn't seem to be putting energy into your relationship.

 

Talk to him. Tell him you miss going out with him. You'd like to go out on a date together. Don't turn this talk into a fight. Then go out and enjoy time together. Reconnect physically.

 

If this doesn't work after a week or two, then have a deeper conversation with him and ask him what's wrong. It's possible that he's just not into the relationship anymore.

 

Communication is always best.

Edited October 23, 2011 by Teslacoil