I'm the one that walked away, biggest mistake ever!

[Ileft]

I left my wife and kids a little over two months ago. I maintained contact with my youngest son, and had him every weekend. However, I pretty much completely cutoff contact with my two stepchildren from my wife's first marriage. My wife and I have been married for 8 years and together off and on for 11 years. This was not the first time I left, as I left for about 2 or 3 months back in 2007, and before that for about two weeks. Each time my wife took me back after I realized I had made the wrong choice. Our marriage has been rough for a majority of the years. I always blamed my own unhappiness on her and the two oldest kids. Well after I left this last time, again I found that I was no happier, in fact even more unhappy. This time was different however as I shifted towards a more introspective way of looking at my unhappiness. Well sure enough I realized I have suffered from depression for years and never recognized it, even though there is a long history of it in my family. I am not sure if it was fear or denial, but I never accepted the blame for the major issues in our marriage. I have caused my wife and kids so much pain over the years, and I closed myself off from them by finding distractions to escape. I am not talking infidelity, as I can say with pride that I have never been unfaithful to a woman in my life. My distractions were work, school, internet, video games, pornography (which I realize could be considered infidelity), you name it I used it, minus drugs and alcohol. Well I have been diagnosed and am receiving counseling every week. I am seeing the psychiatrist in a couple of weeks for possible medication. Anyways, my entire outlook on things has shifted dramatically, and I am fully committed to fixing myself, so that I can be the same guy my wife met and fell in love with. I am actively working on rebuilding my relationship with the kids and it is going well so far. I am also working at it with my wife. The fact that she is even willing to talk to me and allow me to hang out at the house shows me how compassionate and amazing she is. She is full of confusion, doubts, anxiety, and she is freaked out at my sudden change in behavior for the better. The last time we reconciled I did the same thing, however i still did not recognize my issues, and basically she had become one of my many distractions, which eventually wore off. I don't want to cause her any of those feelings, and I am scared to death of pushing her away. I am not sure how to handle this. I feel like she needs space and I need to back off with her (not the kids) a little bit. My only fear is that I do not want her to perceive it as me giving up or second guessing things. The last thing I want to do is back off, but at the same time the last thing I want is to lose her or push her away. For once I am putting her needs before my wants. Should I limit contact, and allow her to initiate contact? I am completely heartbroken about how I have treated her and the kids, and I have finally gained a true perspective. I just want to make sure that I do what is needed for her. Any suggestions, has anyone been in this situation?

[Steadfast]

It's an educated guess, but my hunch is that she really loves you. Women who don't turn cold and indifferent, like my ex. See, I didn't do any of the things to my wife and kids that you described (just the opposite) yet she took a lover and emotionally closed shop. That makes you very fortunate.

 

In lieu of over-analyzing and scheming why don't you prove to her your love by making good on your intentions? She's no doubt afraid of getting hurt again, but like most people who truly love and care she's probably hoping for the best. When the moment is right, tell her what you've written in this message, then give her some time to absorb it. If you truly mean what you say, you'll be patient and let her work out her feelings.

 

Be sure. Be very sure. You've admitted to certain 'realizations' in the past, just to eventually fall back into the same behavior pattern. The fact is, even though you care, life for her might be better without you. Do you love her enough to let her go? That's the true test. Look inside and see.

 

Whatever she decides, respect it. You've yo-yo'd this woman for years and it has hurt her. Prove your love one last time by putting her feelings first.