Ok for your BF/GF to have BFF of opposite sex?

[tradewinds]

My best friend is a girl. I love her to death. We are really supportive of each other. We can tell each other anything including stuff we cant tell our GF/BF. I tell her stuff that I would never tell a gf because I am not worried about what she thinks of me as a dominant male. The last thing we want our gf to think is that we are weak because we talk about our weaknesses. Women you do the same with your gf's.

We don't hang out (we don't even live close). We email and talk on the phone (rarely talk on the phone). We spend about 1/2 hour each day between chatting and emailing - never text (not texting all day).

I would see this as a threat if I was my gf. Given the choice though, I would pick my best friend over a gf because to me, it has proven more enduring (girls are easy to come by, really close friends, not so much!).

What are your thoughts? Is it ok? How can I maintain both or can I?

[OnyxSnowfall]

You could maintain both if you find a girlfriend who is okay with it and whom your best friend is also okay with...

 

(I personally wouldn't tolerate it, because I want my guy to come to ME with his vulnerabilities and to open up to ME --- that is something that brings me closer to him and ultimately strengthens our intimacy together... I would not be alright with him confiding in another female while leaving me in the dark...

 

all of that defeats the purpose of "connection" for me [i want my lover to be my best friend and I want to him to be able to call me his]; there are females who see things differently nonetheless).

Edited October 20, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[tradewinds]

You could maintain both if you find a girlfriend who is okay with it and whom your best friend is also okay with...

 

(I personally wouldn't tolerate it, because I want my guy to come to ME with his vulnerabilities and to open up to ME --- that is something that brings me closer to him and ultimately strengthens our intimacy together... I would not be alright with him confiding in another female while leaving me in the dark...

 

all of that defeats the purpose of "connection" for me [i want my lover to be my best friend and I want to him to be able to call me his]; there are females who see things differently nonetheless).

 

Could he still have a (another) girl as his best friend?

I agree with your last part, there are females who don't want to know all that and if they do they lose the sense of security in their man.

Edited October 20, 2011 by tradewinds
I suck at grammer

[carhill]

It's hard for me to imagine having a best friend I couldn't hang out with, hug and tell him I loved him. That, to me, is what a best friend is all about. He's away camping with his wife but we've been e-mailing...he, he

 

Now, how about your BFF? I presume your GF and her are acquainted and GF is aware that you and BFF are 'close', yes. This should be no different than if she were a he.

 

Another potential issue, and one worthy of discussion with GF, if this relationship were to progress, like to M, is to clarify how you both feel discussing your private relationship business with others, irrespective of gender. Some people don't care; others do, in varying degrees.

 

Personally, I prefer not to know friends private relationship business since I have to look the person being talked about in the eye, but that's me. Everyone is different, so get it out there and agreed to and/or clarified.

 

If your GF was to open your e-mail account and read your correspondence, would there be any issues? Unknown. Check with her and get back to us. When in doubt of anything regarding your primary relationship, your partner is you first stop. Hope it works out

[tradewinds]

It's hard for me to imagine having a best friend I couldn't hang out with, hug and tell him I loved him. That, to me, is what a best friend is all about. He's away camping with his wife but we've been e-mailing...he, he

 

Now, how about your BFF? I presume your GF and her are acquainted and GF is aware that you and BFF are 'close', yes. This should be no different than if she were a he.

 

Another potential issue, and one worthy of discussion with GF, if this relationship were to progress, like to M, is to clarify how you both feel discussing your private relationship business with others, irrespective of gender. Some people don't care; others do, in varying degrees.

 

Personally, I prefer not to know friends private relationship business since I have to look the person being talked about in the eye, but that's me. Everyone is different, so get it out there and agreed to and/or clarified.

 

If your GF was to open your e-mail account and read your correspondence, would there be any issues? Unknown. Check with her and get back to us. When in doubt of anything regarding your primary relationship, your partner is you first stop. Hope it works out

 

I don't have a gf right now. My BFF has a fiance and yes he knows about us. Before I get a gf (not any time soon), I wanted to get everyone's opinion so I would know what to expect. I'm currently separated, but my ex does not know her or about her (she would flip....met my BFF after separation..takes 1 year for divorce where I live). My ex always had my account access as I had nothing to hide while we were together.

If you notice my location, Afghanistan, you may figure a little more out. I got separated right before I left (both agreed it was best). I met a girl who was always doing laundry at the same time as me. We became good friends. She went back home to her fiance and we became best friends. She tells me that when I get a gf, she (the gf) won't like the idea and will want me to end it.

Edited October 20, 2011 by tradewinds
Added more info

[BeyondtheClouds]

My concern with my partner having a female BFF is that in many ways he could treat her better than he treats me and the BFF may do things to remind me of this. So some examples:

 

1. If my guy expected me to contribute to the cost of dates, I would be hurt if I knew that when he meets up with her, he pays.

 

2. I would be hurt if our plans got changed because we "had" to attend something to her benefit.

 

3. I would be hurt if the BFF were dismissive of me either a) in person; b) on the phone whenever she calls our house c) electronically, say for example I were to call her to make plans for a group activity and she refuses to return my call or call my partner instead.

 

4. I would be hurt if there always seemed to be this sentiment that the BFF knows more about my partner than I do.

 

5. I would also be pissed if I felt that he put up with behavior from the BFF that he wouldn't put up with with me or anyone else. For example, honoring last minute invitations as if we were hired hands to the BFF. Rude remarks from the BFF about him or the both of us, etc.

 

6. I may think of other scenarios.........

 

 

It would also help if my partner's BFF sometimes acted like one of the girls and invite me out or agree to do something with me without my partner coming. A lot of female "friends" to men feel that they are above that.

Edited October 20, 2011 by BeyondtheClouds

[denise_xo]

In my case, it's OK. My ex had a couple of close female friends, and I was fine with that. I knew there was nothing between them and I knew they didn't threaten our relationship.

 

I think carhill's point on communication about your relationship is important.

[carhill]

If you notice my location, Afghanistan, you may figure a little more out.

I was going to ask about the Afghanistan thing but figured, like most LS'ers, you were being 'creative' about your location. Also, I mis-read your post and inferred 'can't tell our GF/BF' to mean you had a girlfriend and it didn't register that you were separated. With the new information, I'll get back to you. That changes things a bit.

[vsmini]

My best friend is a girl. I love her to death. We are really supportive of each other. We can tell each other anything including stuff we cant tell our GF/BF. I tell her stuff that I would never tell a gf because I am not worried about what she thinks of me as a dominant male. The last thing we want our gf to think is that we are weak because we talk about our weaknesses. Women you do the same with your gf's.

We don't hang out (we don't even live close). We email and talk on the phone (rarely talk on the phone). We spend about 1/2 hour each day between chatting and emailing - never text (not texting all day).

I would see this as a threat if I was my gf. Given the choice though, I would pick my best friend over a gf because to me, it has proven more enduring (girls are easy to come by, really close friends, not so much!).

What are your thoughts? Is it ok? How can I maintain both or can I?

 

If my boyfriend told me that he would pick his best friend over me (male or female).....I would be out of there in a heart beat. It is your choice to choose who you would rather pick and it's my choice to not come in second.

 

I understand if you've been dating a girl a few months but if this is a serious committed relationship that's hitting the 1+ year mark....NO WAY -At that point I would just assume the guy has commitment issues or I would assume it was a pretty drap relationship if he has to choose or thinks the choice is that simple.

[RiverRunning]

A lesbian friend? Sure. A friend who's in a relationship? Sure, although I'll keep an eye open. A single, straight friend? Probably not. Of course, it depends on if this relationship is in place when I enter the scene or if it develops afterward (in the latter, I can totally see a girl being jealous. For good reason!). If I were told about this friendship upfront and it was explained to me how long he had known the girl, I would probably be OK with it.

 

The issue for you here, OP, is that you have no problem opening up to your friend. But it sounds as though you think you would have those problems for a girlfriend.That doesn't bode well for a future relationship. And if it's easier for you to open up to a friend than it is to a girlfriend, there will be problems. A girlfriend will want to feel like your main confidant in the relationship. She won't want to compete with a female best friend.

 

To put this in perspective, my best friend is a guy. We have known each other since we were 9. I have been upfront in every relationship I've been in. My friend is gay. My ex had a HUGE problem with our friendship after initially telling me he was totally fine with it (he was kind of crazy too though, so). My current boyfriend is fine with it. But like I've said, I've been open and upfront with everyone I have dated. I can understand if from the start they say, "I'm not gonna deal with that." But you don't have a right to get me to try and change my friends after you start dating me knowing full-well what you're getting yourself into.

 

But, the difference here is that my friend is NOT My main confidant. My boyfriend is. I have developed trust and closeness to him because I have allowed myself to. It sounds as though for you, OP, your friend is sort of giving you the female attention you crave without you having to risk the potential hurt of finding a girlfriend.

 

Either way, you are going to be doomed with that outlook. It is possible to have a female friend and a girlfriend. As long as you're upfront and open about your feelings or lack thereof toward your friend. As long as you are willing to put a girlfriend first and to be willing to get close to her. No one's saying you will be as close to your girlfriend in the first few months of dating as you will be to your friend, but you need to work to build closeness and trust. A girlfriend should not feel like she is second best to your friend.

 

That may mean you may not be able to talk to your friend every single day. It would probably do you well to branch out and make many friends, male AND female, so your attention doesn't look so exclusive on the female friend. That can help to hinder any jealousy that may surface when you meet someone.

[carhill]

OK, I'll add some comments but I have a question:

 

Why would your separated spouse 'flip' if she knew you had a female platonic friend that you met after you separated? I hope I'm understanding the timeline right? If so, further, was there a mutual agreement of monogamy between you and her with the potential purpose of reconciling?

 

I had a situation kinda like yours, except I was single and my BFF had a boyfriend and they lived separately. This friendship lasted from when we were about 30 until shortly before I met my exW in my late thirties. We had a great time. We generally did things together but often with her boyfriend as well. He and I were both into cars and racing so got along great. She generally did not talk about her relationship with me, perhaps partly because that was her style but also because she knew my feelings about 'looking him in the eye' and that I didn't think it appropriate.

 

Since you're overseas (I presume) and a 'pen pal', as long as the interactions aren't anything which would fail the partner 'smell test', meaning sharing feelings or intimacies which would be negatively perceived by her fiance, then I would consider the association appropriate. It would be a good idea to meet her fiance if you continue this friendship, preferably before the wedding, presuming the friendship continues. If you consider each other best friends, there's a good chance of that, so it's only natural to get to know a friend's social circle and family.

 

If/when you do get a GF, this would be a great topic to discuss with her and find agreement upon some boundaries. Everyone is different. Some people like keeping their intimacies between the two of them. Others are more open. My personal opinion is that, while it's perhaps healthy to share and seek insight about one's personal vulnerabilities with friends and family, one's most intimate relationships, like a partner or spouse, are ones kept within that relationship and not talked about with outside parties other than a disinterested professional unless both parties agree. For example, if Jane is telling me about her husband's shortcomings in the bedroom and then I have to look H in the eye, shake his hand, smile and know he's a micro-dick minute man, I don't think that's very healthy. Others may disagree but that's my boundary.

 

Good luck, stay safe and see how it goes. Cross the GF bridge when you get to it.

[cdm369]

Os relationships like this are dangerous. Sharing something with them that you can't share with your SO. Very dangerous. This is the way we form our"more than friends" relationships. This is one way cheating comes along. One of you will be needy and the other will be there especially if you talk about problems. Talk to a family member if you need to talk.

[HappyFlower]

I would see this as a threat if I was my gf. Given the choice though, I would pick my best friend over a gf

 

So you're saying that any GF will always come second to your BFF...lots of girls are fine with OS friends, but few if any are ok with being second best to one of them. You might want to have a good long think about why you are basically sacrificing any future relationship for the sake of someone you say is just a friend - you have elevated this girl to better than any other, why? Girls may be 'easy to come by', but girls willing to put up with being second best to another will probably not be easy to find.

 

If you do get a GF, she should be your best friend. You need to be very honest with any potential new GF about the exact nature of your relationship with your BFF, and then allow her to decide if she wants to get involved in that.

[piggyoink]

some of these things sound like gorean lifestyles, but I don't think people are property

[freestyle]

OP--

 

 

IMO it's a very fine line with OS friendships.

 

A lot of the previous posters made some very good points--

 

You're going to have a hard time finding a woman who will tolerate feeling like she's second best to a female BFF. Honestly, I can't see any woman tolerating that for any length of time. I sure as heck wouldn't.

 

A woman in love typically wants to feel like she's everything to her guy---that she's the one & only. If her guy is going to another woman for emotional support, it sends a message that he finds her inadequate--that she can't meet all of his needs.

 

can you imagine being in that position, yourself?

Imagine that you have a new love in your life--you're head over heels, and the two of you have started a serious relationship.

Imagine that this woman of your dreams has a male BFF.

Imagine that some sort of emotional crisis happens for her.

Instead of turning to YOU for support, she turns to her BFF.

How would you feel?

[piggyoink]

Do you check on your BF's phone for text messages too?

[nofool4u]

I would see this as a threat if I was my gf.

 

then you just answered your own question.

 

 

Given the choice though, I would pick my best friend over a gf because to me, it has proven more enduring (girls are easy to come by, really close friends, not so much!).

 

then I'd say you are in love with your female BF, and any argument to the contrary is probably denial.

 

 

What are your thoughts? Is it ok?

 

again, if you would see it as a threat if the roles are reversed, then no, its not ok. and given you'd pick your bf over a gf tells me you aren't going to give any gf a fair shot at capturing your heart from the get go.

therefore maybe you shouldn't have any girlfriends.

 

 

How can I maintain both or can I?

 

How would you feel if a gf had a male best friend that she confides everything in, spends alone time with, and would dump you in favor of him?