Do it all over again?

[Choose Life]

As some will now know, first A with a MM, now swore never to get involved ever again with MM. I think being burned and hurt this much, taught me a valuable lesson, as well as reading everyone elses experiences! In fact, at work, totally opened my eyes to a MM, his attention, and comments not being as 'friendly' as I thought. I'm too trusting sometimes, I have blinkers on, I think they have being removed. I have stopped being so friendly with this MM, that's all it is in my eyes, just banter between work colleagues. In fact I'm now wary about any guy married, keep it at arms length.

 

What I'm asking is, did anyone do it all over again after your first experience, or even consider it again?

[Yianks]

Hello.

 

Iam an exOM, had an A that lasted 1 1/2 years. As most of the As that you have read at LS, I experienced a paradise-like beginning but a hell-like ending.

 

No one is immune from the hurt that these As leave regadless if its a man or a woman. Will never believe anyone claiming that is 'just a game'. Its a very dangerous game actually and I am not talking about getting caught or facing an angry H or W.

 

The emotional pain is so much and would certainly advise anyone not to do it. Unfortunately most of us here at LS are here AFTER the A started.

Edited October 20, 2011 by Yianks

[East7]

Well... you know the expression, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

 

I think it would be foolish to engage into another affair after being hurt in one.

 

I have known other married/committed women after my A with my xMW but I kept my boundaries.

 

A couple of months ago a committed woman started heavy flirting with me. I was thinking how much committed women crave attention from outside .I just ignored her.

 

If I never had experienced an A, maybe I would have reacted more positively and started something. Experience helps.

Live and learn.

[Gentlegirl]

It was a once only 3 year A.

 

It almost ruined my professional life, it almost cost me my precious daughter and her family.

 

It almost cost me my sanity as well.

 

In short, it almost ruined my life and cost me everything that is precious and important to me... including myself.

 

It was alll consuming to the point where I didn't give a flying **** about anybody else or anything else.

 

I believe I l DID lose my sanity for a period of time.

 

It has been a long painful road back since MM dumped me after his wife caught him on the phone last Christmas Eve. I went through times when I contemplated suicide, because I couldn't see anything without xMM in my life.

 

It was a dangerous, toxic, dysfunctional kind of relationship to enter into. I understand much now but I didn't 3 years ago.

 

I have turned my life around and worked on the areas I had sadly neglected becaus of the A. Looking forward to finding a normal single man who will not turn me inside out then dump me on my bum.

 

It's simply not worth losing reality for a fantasy that will never be.

 

GG

[Ruby_shoes]

It's been a two and a half year ordeal, the pain, hurt.... just dealing with the day to day emotions and how they swing, sometimes it's like going crazy and I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Hand on heart I can say absolutely no way. Decent people can fall in love whilst with others, it happens, but decent people don't drag it out, lie, keep others waiting and in confusion would admit to being confused. Some people are human wrecking balls! It's toxic. But there's always a lesson to be learned I think if anyone was a serial OW/OM they may need to look at whether there was a reason they always wanted unavailable people. You live and you learn tho! And one thing I know is at the end of my days I don't want to have had an immaculate life but a screeching ride with lots of laughs, lessons and experience, highs, and a worn out body. What doesn't finish us makes us stronger! I guess it's to be chalked up to experience and when the pain goes filed in the memory bank under 'maybe this will come in useful one day'. (((hugs)))

[Gentlegirl]

I like your philosophy.

 

The experience with the pain filed away should come in handy one day.

 

It might benefit you or me or somebody else we come across in our journey.

 

As long as the poison has left our systems...

 

GG

[fluffyfail]

Would I do it again? Hell to the no. I had my reservations at the beginning with this one, should have listened to my gut, shouldn’t have ignored the alarm bells but if I’m honest with myself I think I liked the ego stroking and being made to feel important and fell hard for the future faking. I’m in a worse place now than I was when I met him, whilst he gets to go back to his cushy family unit. I would never ever get involved with another MM again, EVER.

 

The pain and hurt and emotional scarring it has left behind is not worth it. I am trying to heal and move beyond this horrid experience now and hopefully in the future find a man who is worthy of me although it’s bloody hard to even think that far ahead, one day at a time and just trying to be gentle to myself.

[Ruby_shoes]

I agree GG. And sometimes finding the antidote isn't easy! But I try to think every set back is a step closer to happiness even by means of ruling out an option.

[SoMovinOn]

It seems, from what I read here, much of the hurt from A's comes from the expectation it will turn into something more and that not happening.

 

I think most "successful" A's are those where both parties expect nothing more than an A.

 

My previous experiences dating MW were not typical. In all but one of them, there was never any expectation it was more than a "fling". There was no talk of exclusivity, and no talk of turning it into a permanent relationship. When we were done, we were done and we simply walked away.

[fluffyfail]

It seems, from what I read here, much of the hurt from A's comes from the expectation it will turn into something more and that not happening.

 

Yep, future faking at its finest. My xMM pursued hard, would tell me everyday that he would leave his W, but when push came to shove, the house of cards fell down. Actions speak louder than words as they say, and all that smooth talking, I love you’s etc was for nothing. It’s hard because you so badly want to believe in it, don’t want to feel like a mug and that someone could take you for a fool so easily, give up your love to them for them to just walk all over you like a piece of s***.

 

I think most "successful" A's are those where both parties expect nothing more than an A.

 

My previous experiences dating MW were not typical. In all but one of them, there was never any expectation it was more than a "fling". There was no talk of exclusivity, and no talk of turning it into a permanent relationship. When we were done, we were done and we simply walked away.

 

 

I think the problem comes when MM or MW has this expectation of no strings attached fun, but doesn’t let the other party know this was their sole intention from the off. Also, is there really such a thing as f-buddies or FWB’s? Women become attached when they sleep with someone, surely it’s not hard to fathom that one party may want more in the future even if things did start out as just purely fun?

[Got it]

I can't say if I would or not, I really didn't get into an EMR to be in an EMR but for him so having the same elements at play is pretty minimal. Most likely no but I do see where it can work and can't rule it out entirely.

 

Most likely, no.

 

But I do think that, like other dating styles, that there are FWBs, etc and that if both parties make the agreement in the beginning just because it changes for one doesn't mean that the other party should have done anything differently.

 

I do not think all women become attached when they have sex and if you do then it is up to "you" to manage your situation accordingly.

 

I know that I do become attached, so I know that I cannot have sex without feelings and so would not agree to a FWB as it would not be a successful recipe for myself. I understand that may change as I age but as of now, no.

 

But that onus is on me and that was my approach with the EMR. I understood the gamble that I was taking, I "vetted" him, asked the ugly questions, and tried to make sure I got the answers I needed to make as an informed decision as possible. I studied his behavior in other settings, work, etc to see if he showed passive agressive tendencies, conflict avoider, etc. I actually put in writing our agreement so there wasn't any misunderstanding later on and put in a timeline for myself. I laid down my rules and expectations and then decided to take the risk.

 

I owned the fact that I was putting myself out there, protecting as best as I could, but owning that I may get hurt. I understood where the risks where and so gave it a year before I walked if he didn't do what he expected to do.

 

I had no involvement with an affair prior to this but I knew that it was a risky endeavor and knew that I had a higher risk for hurt but I knew he was willing to meet my expectations, give me what I needed and so I jumped.

 

Not sure if that helps or not. There were some surprises for me and utlimately I went through with it I don't see my life being where it was (unhappily married and them being a dependent) where I would end up in the same scenario.

[MissBee]

As some will now know, first A with a MM, now swore never to get involved ever again with MM. I think being burned and hurt this much, taught me a valuable lesson, as well as reading everyone elses experiences! In fact, at work, totally opened my eyes to a MM, his attention, and comments not being as 'friendly' as I thought. I'm too trusting sometimes, I have blinkers on, I think they have being removed. I have stopped being so friendly with this MM, that's all it is in my eyes, just banter between work colleagues. In fact I'm now wary about any guy married, keep it at arms length.

 

What I'm asking is, did anyone do it all over again after your first experience, or even consider it again? [ /QUOTE]

 

No.

 

Although, I did get sexually involved with a guy with a gf who lived in another state. It's no "better", but was not the same, in that I had no romantic feelings for him...therefore, it was out of sight, out of mind and no drama or heartache to me, as there was no conflict between what I wanted and settling for something else. I also would not do that again either.

[mzdolphin]

As some will now know, first A with a MM, now swore never to get involved ever again with MM. I think being burned and hurt this much, taught me a valuable lesson, as well as reading everyone elses experiences! In fact, at work, totally opened my eyes to a MM, his attention, and comments not being as 'friendly' as I thought. I'm too trusting sometimes, I have blinkers on, I think they have being removed. I have stopped being so friendly with this MM, that's all it is in my eyes, just banter between work colleagues. In fact I'm now wary about any guy married, keep it at arms length.

 

What I'm asking is, did anyone do it all over again after your first experience, or even consider it again? [ /QUOTE]

 

No.

 

Although, I did get sexually involved with a guy with a gf who lived in another state. It's no "better", but was not the same, in that I had no romantic feelings for him...therefore, it was out of sight, out of mind and no drama or heartache to me, as there was no conflict between what I wanted and settling for something else. I also would not do that again either.

 

No way. I didn't even knowingly do it the first time. I mean, had I known he was married I never would have gone out with him. Once we were deeply involved and because of our past, I did find it tougher to let go. But I did. As a former sports writer who listens to guys on sports talk radio all the time, I've learned that men can justify almost anything when it comes to sex. Not all men are cheats, but studies show us that 70% are.

 

Why do we, as women, all think we have a 30 percenter?

[SoMovinOn]

Yep, future faking at its finest. My xMM pursued hard, would tell me everyday that he would leave his W, but when push came to shove, the house of cards fell down. Actions speak louder than words as they say, and all that smooth talking, I love you’s etc was for nothing. It’s hard because you so badly want to believe in it, don’t want to feel like a mug and that someone could take you for a fool so easily, give up your love to them for them to just walk all over you like a piece of s***.

 

Certainly it happens that way, but I think it also happens that both parties genuinely say what they feel - they are being honest - but reality differs from their intentions. It's one thing to day you will get divorced, but there's a whole lot more to it when it comes to actually doing it.

 

 

I think the problem comes when MM or MW has this expectation of no strings attached fun, but doesn’t let the other party know this was their sole intention from the off. Also, is there really such a thing as f-buddies or FWB’s? Women become attached when they sleep with someone, surely it’s not hard to fathom that one party may want more in the future even if things did start out as just purely fun?

 

Even if the intentions are known at the beginning, people change their minds. Like any other relationship, communication is the key. Any relationship where good communication is lacking will suffer.

[SunsetRed]

It was a once only 3 year A.

 

It almost ruined my professional life, it almost cost me my precious daughter and her family.

 

It almost cost me my sanity as well.

 

In short, it almost ruined my life and cost me everything that is precious and important to me... including myself.

 

It was alll consuming to the point where I didn't give a flying **** about anybody else or anything else.

 

I believe I l DID lose my sanity for a period of time.

 

It has been a long painful road back since MM dumped me after his wife caught him on the phone last Christmas Eve. I went through times when I contemplated suicide, because I couldn't see anything without xMM in my life.

 

It was a dangerous, toxic, dysfunctional kind of relationship to enter into. I understand much now but I didn't 3 years ago.

 

I have turned my life around and worked on the areas I had sadly neglected becaus of the A. Looking forward to finding a normal single man who will not turn me inside out then dump me on my bum.

 

It's simply not worth losing reality for a fantasy that will never be.

 

GG

 

 

Well said. I contemplated suicide as well. What I had really was just a fantasy and the reality just plain sucked.

 

No, I would not go through this again. I'm still not sure what the benefit or learning experience from all of this will be. Right now I'm still experiencing the pain.

[Silly_Girl]

In fact I'm now wary about any guy married, keep it at arms length.

 

There is a great guy at my work with a real crush on me. He's married and previous to the affair with my boyfriend I'd never have given it a second thought, but I seem to have a super-sensitive radar now and am so very careful about the tone and language of any office banter. It's about me, not him. Affairs were never a part of my day-to-day life until 2 years ago, and I never considered any married person as anything other than entirely unavailable, but I now know that many married people do not view themselves that way at all.

[fellhard4u]

I would never go down the getting-involved-with-a-MM again! It has been the most painful, devastating and scarring experience in my life.

 

Like others, I have become hyper-vigilant and very weary about overtures by married/committed men. Comments by married colleagues or friends that would not even have registered with me pre-A, now trigger my fight or flight instinct and set off my emotional alarm bells.

 

I now ignore the comments and never "banter" back. With some MMs, it seems that they can't stop themselves from crossing the boundaries of what is acceptable and appropriate.

 

After my ordeal with the A and MM, that kind of behavior now privately provokes feelings of resentment and disgust towards those who engage in it. Kind of "how dare you disrespect your spouse/partner like this - how dare you disrespect me like this while being in a M or relationship?

[RickFox]

A year or so of building up an emotional relationship to several months of adding the physical aspect and a gut wrenching halt. Emotional h e l l since the ending of it, a freakin' rollercoaster of every emotion and still craving understanding while knowing it won't ever come.

 

NO, would not do it again.

[Gentlegirl]

A year or so of building up an emotional relationship to several months of adding the physical aspect and a gut wrenching halt. Emotional h e l l since the ending of it, a freakin' rollercoaster of every emotion and still craving understanding while knowing it won't ever come.

 

NO, would not do it again.

 

I think you are lucky it was only a year.

 

GG

[OWoman]

What I'm asking is, did anyone do it all over again after your first experience, or even consider it again?

 

I have had a number of As. All were very positive experiences for me. I had no hesitation in repeating the experience, and have never regretted doing so.

[pureinheart]

There is a great guy at my work with a real crush on me. He's married and previous to the affair with my boyfriend I'd never have given it a second thought, but I seem to have a super-sensitive radar now and am so very careful about the tone and language of any office banter. It's about me, not him. Affairs were never a part of my day-to-day life until 2 years ago, and I never considered any married person as anything other than entirely unavailable, but I now know that many married people do not view themselves that way at all.

 

I'd say about 98% of the guys I worked with viewed themselves as available.

[MissBee]

I'd say about 98% of the guys I worked with viewed themselves as available.

 

Do you find this to be warped thinking on their part?