imperfectangel Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Two weeks ago I went n/c. Realised I was too good for my mm etc but here's where I'm really struggling if I'm too good for him and if like he says I'm "amazing" and "perfect" and it "must be fate" etc why the hell isn't he getting in touch with ME?! Why isn't he chasing ME for a change?! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 It could be that he's "honoring" your request for NC. Or, it could simply be that while he was interested in having an affair with you, he had no intent for it to progress beyond that. And your insistence that it has to be more than that or nothing at all has caused him to realize that he's got that choice...and he's chosen to keep his marriage rather than his mistress. Stop focusing on him, what he's thinking/doing and why...focus instead on taking care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 NC is the detox period. Its supposed to distance you from your substance of choice (xMM). Once you go through all that, you can get some clarity. When you're in the A, you're consumed by it, and you honestly can't see things for what they really are. NC is supposed to give you that distance, to see objectively and make choices more clearly. As for why he doesn't call and chase after you? I understand what you're saying, but be glad he's not, because if he does, what are you going to do? Besides, he will most likely try to get in touch with you at some point, but the question is will he do it because he misses you and can now offer you something worthwhile, or will he do it simply because he's bored and you're an easy target for him? Hang in there, it will get better Link to post Share on other sites
Choose Life Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 NC puts you back in the driving seat, allows you to put you first. It's all about moving on, and healing. Contact only rubs salt in the wound. He is not contacting you, as he knows it's for the best. He cares and knows he can't give you what you want, so is respecting your decision. Don't see him not running after you as not caring but the opposite. It gets easier in time, just ride it out. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Heart On Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 If you feel like you are too good for this situation,you imposing NC means you are done,no going back.It's not a way to turn the tables in hopes he will come after you.It's not meant to be a way to manipulate them into making an effort.It's meant to end it once and for all for your own good. MM don't chase.....for the most part.They lead on and back peddle and disappear if given the chance to continue with thier lives unscathed by "scandal" as if you never even existed and that alone is reason to continue to stick with NC. if like he says I'm "amazing" and "perfect" and it "must be fate" etc why the hell isn't he getting in touch with ME?! Because he said those things to keep you strung along and doesn't have anything to offer you but scraps and he knows it.Mine never wanted to take responsibility for any of it,so as long as I came to him and didn't expect ANYTHING it was all good.....but If I expected reciprocity or respect or care....I was SOL. Hate to be blunt,but that's what my conclusion was in the end. Don't see him not running after you as not caring but the opposite. He only cares about himself. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Two weeks ago I went n/c. Realised I was too good for my mm etc but here's where I'm really struggling if I'm too good for him and if like he says I'm "amazing" and "perfect" and it "must be fate" etc why the hell isn't he getting in touch with ME?! Why isn't he chasing ME for a change?! Well....NC often shows up such wonders. Allows you to step back and sometimes separate truth from fiction, fantasy from reality. Anyway if you're too good for him, why does it matter if he chases you? Don't worry about that. Link to post Share on other sites
mzdolphin Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Tiger says: NC is the detox period. Its supposed to distance you from your substance of choice (xMM). Once you go through all that, you can get some clarity. When you're in the A, you're consumed by it, and you honestly can't see things for what they really are. NC is supposed to give you that distance, to see objectively and make choices more clearly.----------------------------------------------------------------------- I agreed. I ended things with exMM one time, but didn't do NC. I just broke things off and didn't respond to his emails. He emailed eventually. Was pleasant, about politics, work, sports,etc. Then he's call, just to chat. Soon the I miss yous, I love yous, I can't stop thinking about yous started and of course those were followed by "I'd like to see you." After finding some clarity I found myself back to having feelings for him and wanting to see him. Then I realized I needed to go NC. Because although we were friends before the affair, we couldn't really be friends now. So what was the point. He'd always be in a position of lying to his spouse. Would make me no better than his male friends who tolerate his cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Imperfectangel : You need No Contact to get yourself used to the fact that he is not a part of your life. Regardless of your feelings for him, he is not a part of your life. He doesnt want to be, isnt going to be. You need no contact whatsoever with him because you need to be concerned with other things . Yourself. Your Life. Your Health. Without Him. You have said you have wasted years waiting for this man. Since High School. That you were email friends for ten years. You didnt know he got married, didnt know he had a child. Thats not a close friendship. He was living a life and you were waiting. Youve mentioned that you slept together for the first and only time last July, the last time you saw him in person. He is an a** for doing that to you and to his wife and to his family. He has made it clear that he not interested in contacting you. Even if he does, you have made it clear you do not want him because he is not leaving his wife and children. Not for a one night stand and not for an email friend. Your pregnancy from this encounter must have been a huge surprise to you and I know that the miscarriage is devastating. He is not going to show up and comfort you. He is not replying to your texts. I am concerned because although you are angry at him and hurt...what you ultimately want is for him to contact you. Regardless of your feelings, you cannot make that happen. I know this is harsh. But I think you are waving red flags here. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 You're letting ego and pride get in the way. NC is for you so you can heal it has nothing to do with him. He isn't contacting you because he is respecting your wishes to do NC. Take that as a sign he does care, enough to listen and do what you've asked him.. To stay away and leave you alone. Use this time to grieve the loss and help yourself start on the healing path. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imperfectangel Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 Thank you everyone especially 2sure you're telling me the things that I don't want to hear but I obviously need to I think b/c he's been a part of my life for so long I'm finding it harder to let go. He's been in/out my life since I was 14. I'm now 27 its a lifetime I know I need to concentrate on myself now - instead of waiting around for him all the time. I just can't believe he completely screwed me over that after all this time I meant nothing to him Link to post Share on other sites
Heart On Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I just can't believe he completely screwed me over that after all this time I meant nothing to him. I think alot of women here felt that way at the end. You are in excellent company for support.ALL of us women OW's and BW's alike deserved SO much more than what we got.Please,try not to take his limitations and cowardice personally.It's not. I think the problem in EMR's is that there is a miscommunication in regards to the intentions behind it.I think alot of people consider Affairs temporary,while others live in false hope that it will somehow someday become permanent. So when it ends,it's disillusioning to wake up to the reality that your love wasn't taken seriously.At least that's how I felt. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby_shoes Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Two weeks ago I went n/c. Realised I was too good for my mm etc but here's where I'm really struggling if I'm too good for him and if like he says I'm "amazing" and "perfect" and it "must be fate" etc why the hell isn't he getting in touch with ME?! Why isn't he chasing ME for a change?! I think I know where you're going with this.. Sometimes I feel like if xMM really cared he would have done more than a token gesture text and a drunk phonecall (which I ignored). However.... this is us seeking validation, validation that it did mean something, that we're not suckers, that they are in pain too. I am telling you now - you ARE better than him. Fact. Realistically two weeks is no time at all, and a lot of people are pretty good at sticking their head in the sand, getting wrapped up in as much as possible and ignoring their issues. This is a generalisation I appreciate however, this is why most MM/MW go back to marriages everyone knows is faulty. It's easy. Easy in the short term. Unless they REALLY work, resolve the issues and go soul searching the unmet needs will always be there and it's only a matter of time before these issues rear their ugly head again. We however have something they don't - the opportunity to stare our fears in the face, get to the bottom of our hurt and heal each wound one at a time. We are wiser, stronger, more grounded and better people because of this learning curve. At least this is what I tell myself every day It is hard, it is painful and I want to buckle too but then I remember, it's who we THOUGHT they were we lost and admitting they are the norm/stereotypical w**ksh*fts and not the exception is really tough. I look for signs that prove xMM was special too, that he hurts etc and there were reasons for his behaviour but the fact is, some people live in fear, some lie, some are wreckless with others. But not us. If it's meant to be and they are genuinley cut up they will find us, more often than not they won't. We don't need those types of people in our lives. You want a healthy, happy and mutually loving R, so heal and go get it lady! Night is always darkest before dawn Besides, if you want to stick it to them the very best punishment is living a great life whilst they live their lives of unmet needs. Their choice, our freedom. Link to post Share on other sites
fluffyfail Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I think I know where you're going with this.. Sometimes I feel like if xMM really cared he would have done more than a token gesture text and a drunk phonecall (which I ignored). However.... this is us seeking validation, validation that it did mean something, that we're not suckers, that they are in pain too. I am telling you now - you ARE better than him. Fact. Realistically two weeks is no time at all, and a lot of people are pretty good at sticking their head in the sand, getting wrapped up in as much as possible and ignoring their issues. This is a generalisation I appreciate however, this is why most MM/MW go back to marriages everyone knows is faulty. It's easy. Easy in the short term. Unless they REALLY work, resolve the issues and go soul searching the unmet needs will always be there and it's only a matter of time before these issues rear their ugly head again. We however have something they don't - the opportunity to stare our fears in the face, get to the bottom of our hurt and heal each wound one at a time. We are wiser, stronger, more grounded and better people because of this learning curve. At least this is what I tell myself every day It is hard, it is painful and I want to buckle too but then I remember, it's who we THOUGHT they were we lost and admitting they are the norm/stereotypical w**ksh*fts and not the exception is really tough. I look for signs that prove xMM was special too, that he hurts etc and there were reasons for his behaviour but the fact is, some people live in fear, some lie, some are wreckless with others. But not us. If it's meant to be and they are genuinley cut up they will find us, more often than not they won't. We don't need those types of people in our lives. You want a healthy, happy and mutually loving R, so heal and go get it lady! Night is always darkest before dawn Besides, if you want to stick it to them the very best punishment is living a great life whilst they live their lives of unmet needs. Their choice, our freedom. Thank you Ruby, excellent post, exactly what I needed to hear right now Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby_shoes Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Thank you Ruby, excellent post, exactly what I needed to hear right now Glad to help Link to post Share on other sites
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