my boyfriend cheated on me with a prostitute and now im pregnant... so do i stay?

[jojo1992]

well... where do i start, i am 19 and my boyfriend is 22, me and my partner have been together for 2 years now (since October 2009)... he left his family so that we could be together just 8 months (jun2010) into the relationship as they did not believe i was good enough for him, we were perfect together.. But after a few months of us living together we were both finding it quite hard to adjust to the change and the financial problems we were facing didn’t help, we both felt the strain but he decided he didn’t want to give up on us... 7months i later i left the house to go shopping with a friend , while I was out he gave me a ring, I picked up and said “hello my husband” something i do not usually say, he sounded very quiet , I then said “I love you so much and will see you when I get home”… suddenly it sounded as if he began crying…I could hear him sniffing… he said he loved me too and had to go… I thought maybe he just had a cold. when i got back he told me he had something to tell me... he told me he had cheated... i immediately left to stay with my mother, when i almost got their he rang and said it was all a joke and that really he had a surprise for me (just what i wanted to hear) when i arrived home the house was completely clean, dinner was made, laundry had been washed and i could tell he had already had a shower, now i know my boyfriend and this was unusual behaviour, alarm bells immediately started ringing in my head. I confronted him... asking him if what he had told me earlier that day was the truth, he insisted it was all a joke and that we were going to take a trip to west London the next day for a shopping spree.. Something just didn’t feel right.

 

The next day i woke up ... and he was already awake... he just laid there watching me sleep... i could tell he had been there for a while. we got ready and made our way to west London where he bought almost anything i picked up... i mean throughout the relationship he always spoilt me... but this time was different... we stopped at a jewellery store, i could see him looking specifically at the rings... we carried on looking around a buying things and made our way home... when we got there i said to him all of this just doesn’t feel right, i told him he could return all the things he had bought me cause i wanted a break... i felt like there was something he wasn’t telling me, he stormed out of the house in anger and frustration and came back, he had tears in his eyes.. He just said ... I’ve done something wrong... i cheated on you. my heart entirely sank... i didn’t understand how he could do this to me and to make things worst i also felt like a fool for believing it was all a joke and spending the night in the same bed as him... i just felt heart broken, after almost a year and 4 months and all the things we went through and sacrificed to be together... he gave it all up for a prostitute... i told him i didn’t believe him and asked him for the number , i rang her right there and then... she told me she could tell he didn’t want to be there... and that he looked like he wanted to cry... and that she didn’t understand why he was going through with it so she asked him numerous times if he was sure he wanted to do it... she said they used a condom and had sex for 10 minutes.. And that he didn’t ejaculate... he just pulled up his pants and left with 20 minutes still left to go... and that it was the most bizarre thing she had seen… I mean this didn’t make me forgive him… but it did make me feel a little better about the situation.

 

I blamed myself for the whole thing… that maybe I could not saticfy him (even though i taught him every trick he knows)… that I wasn’t beautiful enough for him, every time I asked why he did it he just replied “I don’t know “ after this day he did everything right… each day I would punch and slap him (he doesn’t hit women),he would apologise over and over and cry daily… but it wasn’t enough for me, I have been hurt by every man I have ever come across in my life… but I thought he was different.. The whole thing just made me wish I wasn’t here anymore... and though I knew it was unhealthy I let him stay as I knew he had nowhere to go… I mean he did leave his family to be with me… I didn’t feel that I could just throw him on the street.

 

Valentine’s day soon approached... it was a lovely evening, and it finally felt like things were going back to normal… when we arrived home… I opened the door to find a room full of gifts… I opened them all one by one… but he saved the best one for last… an engagement ring. I said nothing but put it on… I didn’t know what to say.

 

We went on day to day with me throwing random tantrums… one day feeling like there’s been improvement … the other I would throw what he did in his face again. He soon got tired of it and said if I’m never going to forgive him then its best to let him go, so I let him go… I told him to pack his things and leave.

 

He went to stay at a friend’s house, and within 24 hours he rang to see if I was ok… he would randomly come to my house… open the door (he still had keys) and bust into my room as if he was 007. I could tell it was all getting to him… and somehow I began to feel guilty.

A few days later I went to a friend’s house and I decided I didn’t want to speak to him… as although we weren’t together… he would always ring, asking me where I was and why I was there… it was getting too much for me, so I switched off my phone. when I arrived at my mums house she said that he had just been there looking for me.. Within an hour there he was… back at my mother’s door asking if she had heard from me yet… I came to the door… and my heart sank… if you could just see him… he looked as if he hadn’t been eating, drinking or sleeping… I didn’t know what to say to him … my mum called me upstairs and said I should forgive him for his mistake as he was always good to me prior to that, and she believed he wouldn’t hurt me again… I went back down stairs and asked him how he had been... he just said “I need you... everything I have been working towards in my life is pointless without you” I had a moment of weakness... we spent the night together… and that was the night I conceived...

 

It’s now been 9 months since he cheated in me... And since this time we have become more stable financially... we now have our own home, engaged and having a baby… he is also doing well in his 3rd year in university…this month will be the 2nd year anniversary…

But despite all this I am so scared and depressed… especially at night… I feel as if one day he will wake up and realise he doesn’t want this life with me and our unborn son, I mean this doesn’t seem like something a guy like him would do… but I mean neither does cheating… I don’t think he knows quite who he is or what he really wants… and this really frightens me and I know this is unhealthy for my mental health and my pregnancy... I find myself doing silly things like going on the prostitute’s web site and just staring at her photos, each and every time I just break down and cry…

I don’t know what I want to hear from your replies… I just don’t know if I’m doing the correct thing by staying with him.

 

I want to know if I should forgive him… and if so how?

I am finding this all so difficult to cope with... I am so tired of crying and wondering

… I don’t feel like I can really talk to him, as I know he just wants to move on

But I can’t just move on.

Edited October 20, 2011 by jojo1992

[KathyM]

well... where do i start, i am 19 and my boyfriend in22, me and my partner have been together for 2 years now (since October 2009)... he left his family so that we could be together just 8 months (jun2010) into the relationship as they did not believe i was good enough for him, we were perfect together.. But after a few months of us living together we were both finding it quite hard to adjust to the change and the financial problems we were facing didn’t help, we both felt the strain but he decided he didn’t want to give up on us... 7months i later i left the house to go shopping with a friend , while I was out he gave me a ring, I picked up and said “hello my husband” something i do not usually say, he sounded very quiet , I then said “I love you so much and will see you when I get home”… suddenly it sounded as if he began crying…I could hear him sniffing… he said he loved me too and had to go… I thought maybe he just had a cold. when i got back he told me he had something to tell me... he told me he had cheated... i immediately left to stay with my mother, when i almost got their he rang and said it was all a joke and that really he had a surprise for me (just what i wanted to hear) when i arrived home the house was completely clean, dinner was made, laundry had been washed and i could tell he had already had a shower, now i know my boyfriend and this was unusual behaviour, alarm bells immediately started ringing in my head. I confronted him... asking him if what he had told me earlier that day was the truth, he insisted it was all a joke and that we were going to take a trip to west London the next day for a shopping spree.. Something just didn’t feel right.

 

The next day i woke up ... and he was already awake... he just laid there watching me sleep... i could tell he had been there for a while. we got ready and made our way to west London where he bought almost anything i picked up... i mean throughout the relationship he always spoilt me... but this time was different... we stopped at a jewellery store, and i could see him looking specifically at the rings... we carried on looking around a buying things and made our way home... when we got there i said to him all of this just doesn’t feel right, i told him he could return all the things he had bought me cause i wanted a break... i felt like there was something he wasn’t telling me, he stormed out of the house in anger and frustration and came back, he had tears in his eyes.. He just said ... I’ve done something wrong... i cheated on you. my heart entirely sank... i didn’t understand how he could do this to me and to make things worst i also felt like a fool for believing it was all a joke and spending the night in the same bed as him... i just felt heart broken, after almost a year and 4 months and all the things we went through and sacrificed to be together... he gave it all up for a prostitute... i told him i didn’t believe him and asked him for the number , i rang her right there and then... she told me she could tell he didn’t want to be there... and that he looked like he wanted to cry... and that she didn’t understand why he was going through with it so she asked him numerous times if he was sure he wanted to do it... she said they used a condom and had sex for 10 minutes.. And that he didn’t ejaculate... he just pulled up his pants and left with 20 minutes still left to go... and that it was the most bizarre thing she had seen… I mean this didn’t make me forgive him… but it did make me feel a little better about the situation.

 

I blamed myself for the whole thing… that I could saticfy him… that I wasn’t beautiful enough for him, every time I asked why he did it he just replied “I don’t know “ after this day he did everything right… each day I would punch and slap him (he doesn’t hit women),he would apologise over and over and cry daily… but it wasn’t enough for me, I have been hurt by everyman I have ever come across in my life… but I thought it was different.. The whole thing just made me wish I wasn’t here anymore... and though I knew it was unhealthy I let him stay as I knew he had nowhere to go… I mean he did leave his family to be with me… I didn’t feel that I could just throw him on the street.

 

Valentine’s day soon approached... it was a lovely evening, and it finally felt like things were going back to normal… when we arrived home… I opened the door to find a room full of gifts… I opened them all one by one… but he saved the best one for last… an engagement ring. I said nothing but put it on… I didn’t know what to say.

 

We went on day to day with me throwing random tantrums… one day feeling like there’s been improvement … the other I would through what he did in his face again. He soon got tired of it and said if I’m never going to forgive him then its best to let him go, so I let him go… I told him to pack his things and leave.

 

He went to stay at a friend’s house, and within 24 hours he rang to see if I was ok… he would randomly come to my house… open the door (he still had keys) and bust into my room as if he was 007. I could tell it was all getting to him… and somehow I began to feel guilty.

A few days later I went to a friend’s house and I decided I didn’t want to speak to him… as although we weren’t together… he would always ring, asking me where I was and why I was there… it was getting too much for me, so I switched of my phone, when I arrived at my mums house she said that he had just been there looking for me.. Within an hour there he was… back at my mother’s door asking if she had heard from me yet… I came to the door… and my heart sank… if you could just see him… he looked as if he hadn’t been eating, drinking or sleeping… I didn’t know what to say to him … my mum called me upstairs and said I should forgive him for his mistake as he was always good to me prior to that, and she believed he wouldn’t hurt me again… I went back down stairs and asked him how he had been... he just said “I need you... everything I have been working towards in my life is pointless without you” I had a moment of weakness... we spent the night together… and that was the night I conceived...

 

It’s now been 9 months since he cheated in me... And since this time we have become more stable financially... we now have our own home, engaged and having a baby… he is also doing well in his 3rd year in university…this month will be the 2nd year anniversary…

But despite all this I am so scared and depressed… especially at night… I feel as if one day he will wake up and realise he doesn’t want this life with me and our unborn son, I mean this doesn’t seem like something a guy like him would do… but I mean neither does cheating… I don’t think he knows quite who he is or what he really wants… and this really frightens me and I know this is unhealthy for my mental health and my pregnancy... I find myself doing silly things like going on the prostitute’s web site and just staring at her photos, each and every time I just break down and cry…

I don’t know what I want to hear from your replies… I just don’t know if I’m doing the correct thing by staying with him.

 

I want to know if I should forgive him… and if so how?

I am finding this all so difficult to cope with... I am so tired of crying and wondering

… I don’t feel like I can really talk to him, as I know he just wants to move on

But I can’t just move on.

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

I'm very sorry you had to go through this. You're in such a predicament now, that you're kind of damned if you do, and damned if you don't. If you leave him, your baby will be without a father in the home. If you stay, you will be haunted by the memory of this betrayal, and will have a very hard time trusting his fidelity for the long term. He is obviously very remorseful. I do think that is genuine, based on what you said. He realizes he came very close to losing you, and he obviously loves you, but did a very stupid and selfish thing and jeopardized your relationship and your future together. It could be that he has learned his lesson and would never consider betraying you again. The fact that he did do it, though, and at a time when he supposedly has a strong love for you, is an obvious red flag when it comes to the future success of your relationship with him. It shows a character flaw and selfishness and I would have serious doubts about investing in a man who would do that, regardless of his level of remorse. If he would cheat on you when he is in love with you, how will he behave after several years, when you are having the inevitable low points in your marriage and are having disputes with each other? Will he feel justified in betraying you then? Possibly. I think a man that shows that kind of weakness in character and disregard for your relationship is not a safe bet for the long term. He may be remorseful and regret the act terribly, but the red flags are now there, and the trust is broken. I would suggest raising the child on your own, or giving it up for adoption, and not invest your life in someone that has shown that he can't be trusted.

[carhill]

I want to know if I should forgive him… and if so how?

 

Up to you on the decision part, but checking into some family counseling through your Uni wouldn't be a bad idea, IMO. In any event, I'd postpone a firm decision until after the baby is born and you've recovered from the birth. Your health and that of the baby are job #1 right now. The status quo is safe for that currently, so stick with it.

[jojo1992]

KathyM and Carhill, i would like to thank you for taking the time out to read my post, all the things uve said are what fill me with so much doubt, i dont want to stay and spend every day waiting to see if he'l mess up again, but i also dont want to end our relationship and leave my unborn son without hes father who could have been potentially great, and may have never make a mistake again...

maybe waiting untill the baby born is the best idea... i guess the hormones probably arent helping me either.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Let me admit that I laughed out loud upon reading that you "go to the prostitute's website and stare at her photos".

 

First of all, separate THAT individual working girl from meaning anything to you or to your guy. She was merely someone doing her job, and your husband hired her, somewhat randomly, to do that job.

 

Recognize that you are far, far in advance of someone whose present is made doubly complex by the chance that some other, significant woman is out there lurking in your guy's social periphery.

 

Indeed he did cheat, and I think you've had two testimonies to give yourself a reasonable sense of just how your guy felt about so doing.

 

While I don't, EVER, endorse the idea of "staying together for the child(ren)" {it's just a stupid move - sure to cause the kid(s) to grow up with a horrific example of what 'love' is supposed to be}, I sense significant potential remaining for your relationship with your guy.

 

I say that even though I know what a horrible, telling sign it is that he bothered to TELL you that painful news, even though you would likely never have learned of it otherwise. Usually those who fess-up for no other reason to their having cheated, are doing so only to inspire their mates to break-up with them.

 

Just... hurting a partner for no justifiable reason is almost always done as a means of inspiring THEM to initiate a break-up because one is too chicken-sh*t to do so himself.

 

There is just... a unique vibe to your story... and I sorta think you should stick it out for a while longer just to learn...

 

Why don't you put a mark on the wall... of one year... (or heck, make it 12-12-12, because the date will be easy to remember no matter if you're in the U.K. or the USA or most anywhere else). Tell yourself that you'll stay with him, and basically give your all, until that 12-12-12 date, and then decide whether indications suggest that staying with him would be best for YOUR future.

[Andy_K]

It sounds like he genuinely wants to be with you and make things work.

 

However... I don't believe you just 'forgive' something like this without understanding it better. I would not trust him until he can be honest with you (and himself), no matter how painful it is for you, about the reasons he cheated on you. 'I don't know' is simply not an acceptable answer.

 

If he's man enough to be honest about the reasons - even if it was something really hurtful like 'she's got a better body than you and will do things you won't', then you can trust and believe that he's gotten over those reasons. If he won't tell, he'll always be holding something back, and you never know when that might resurface.

[jojo1992]

It sounds like he genuinely wants to be with you and make things work.

 

However... I don't believe you just 'forgive' something like this without understanding it better. I would not trust him until he can be honest with you (and himself), no matter how painful it is for you, about the reasons he cheated on you. 'I don't know' is simply not an acceptable answer.

 

If he's man enough to be honest about the reasons - even if it was something really hurtful like 'she's got a better body than you and will do things you won't', then you can trust and believe that he's gotten over those reasons. If he won't tell, he'll always be holding something back, and you never know when that might resurface.

 

 

 

weeks have gone by now... each and every day i have asked him why he thinks he did it.. but every day the answer is the same... i dont understand how someone can come out and be so honest about cheating (i would have had no clue) but cannot tell me why he did it, ive asked if it was a physical thing or whether it was deeper than that, and he still just says "i dont know why i did it" then goes on about how that doesnt matter anymore because he loves me and will never leave again... i dont know, i do believe that this should be resolved, but he just wont tell me..

[ffw]

Just be careful not to push him too much with your questioning. I agree with Carhill if nothing seems working try family counselling. Personally, I don't take back cheaters or even if a third party got involved. In these cases, I don't believe in second chances.

[flyaway]

you think its gonna get better once you have the baby? i bet you not. the kid cant remain loyal to you when youre not pregnant, what makes you think hell ever be a good enough father to his kid? he wont.

 

if the pregnancy is still early, id look into abortion and then leaving him. if the pregnancy is later or if you dont want one, then give the kid up to a loving home with both parents. this guy will never be there for you. i think you deserve a lot better than some miserable life at 20 years old with a kid, with an absent or cheating father. dont do it to yourself. abort or adopt and leave this guy. youre just asking for more hurt by staying with him and i would bet you $100 that he will not change.