serrah Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 I need some advice. My b/f has recently started talking to a girl that is the ex of one of his friends. They have been acquaintences for a few years, but now talk all of the time. He lies to me about talking to her, doesn't want me to meet her, and was to meet her yesterday while she was in town but was unable to get off of work. Now, about the ' meeting.' He didn't tell me anything about it, and probably never intended to. He got mad at ME for asking about it, saying I want to control everything he does, not let him have any friends, and that I am psycho. First off, I could care less who he talks to and sees normally, including some of his ex's. He goes out on a regular basis during the week without me and I never ask who he was with or anything. But he deliberately keeps me out of the picture regarding her, to the point of constantly lying and hiding things from me. Second, how does it make me a psycho to be uneasy about a situation that he puts so much effort into excluding me from? I have met many of his female friends, and don't have a problem with them. It's just that I think he is making her a big deal by keeping her a secret so to speak. I should also state that she doesn't live near us, but she is from the same area that we are originally from, so is often visiting family there, as are we. Part of what has me nervous is that often when we are home and he wants to go out, I don't want to - I'm 5 months pregnant with our first, and am usually too tired. When I do go out with him, she is conveniently elsewhere, even though I know she is in town. Please let me know your thoughts....I would particularly appreciate some male opinions. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 You're not a psycho and you're not asking too much. If he is hiding these meetings, that is a PROBLEM right there. And calling you names is another problem. Lying is a third. I doubt if he is "actually" cheating yet - but he is going down that road at top speed, so yes, you have a problem. And it's especially worrying given that you are expecting. Non-committed men often make their break for freedom at this time. He can run away from the pregnancy - you can't. He might just be wigging out slightly and planning to come back home - or he might be itching to get out. Can you support yourself and your baby on your own, if you have to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author serrah Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 I could supporrt myself and the baby if I had to, and I also have a great support system in my family. If you think it is jitters about the baby...now that I think about it, I belive I did ask him if he ever told her I was pregnant, and he said it didn't come up. Strange don't you think? If they are such good friends that a big event like a new baby wouldn't be discussed? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 If he wants her as his new SO, then of course he wouldn't mention the baby. Simple!! And even if he wants to imagine having her as his new SO, and doesn't actually follow through - well, he STILL won't mention his soon-to-be-born child. It just makes the "new woman" jealous and insecure. He goes out on a regular basis during the week without me and I never ask who he was with or anything. It's not great that his recreational and social time is spent largely AWAY from you. This puts him at risk for meeting other women and falling in love with them. Also, why don't you ask who he was with? That's a normal way for him to discuss his day with you. Perhaps he's has given you the idea that any questions about how he spends his time EQUALS checking up on him. Not so! Only someone with a guilty conscience would make this mistake. My advice? Put all your effort into fixing this ASAP, before the baby comes. You will not have the time or energy afterwards. If it doesn't get fixed, split up and prepare for single motherhood. Make sure you get child support. I don't want you back on this board 5 or 8 years from now telling the same sad tale of lies, coverups, and name calling to the point where you question your own sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
allheart Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 [color=green][font=times new roman]Very sound advice, solemate! All I can add is those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Best wishes and I hope everything works out for you and your precious one![/font][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 I found this was a pattern with my ex (hiding his 'friendships' with other women - turns out most of them weren't just friends). Also the comment about you wanting to control everything he does and not let him have any friends - with my ex, I found that was the guilt talking.. Link to post Share on other sites
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