What would you do?

[momof5]

I haven't quite figured out what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Here is my story.

 

I'm a stay at home mother with a bunch of kids. My husband is an executive and works all the time. We live a comfortable life and I thought that he adored me. We met online, were married within 6 months. It's the 2nd marriage for the both of us. Okay, that being said....

 

3 weeks ago he went on a business trip. Whenever he leaves I read all of the old e-mails he sent me while we were dating (just because I miss him soo much). After reading the last e-mail, I was curious if the e-mail address he had when we were dating was still active. I sent it a message and it wasn't returned. So, next I went into Yahoo and figured out/changed the password. Well when I got into the e-mail account I found out that it was very active. It was filled with internet porn addresses etc. I checked the sent/draft folders and I found out that he has been on dating websites, and gentlemen's escort websites looking for 'providers.'

 

I called him on his trip and asked him how long he has been cheating on me. He claims that he has never cheated on me and that he just likes looking at pretty women. He has been stressed at work over the past two years and this internet activity is just a manifestation. He liked the attention from the women he has never met any of them. He loves me.. blah blah blah blah... he loves our family.. .blah blah blah blah.. He would never do anything to destroy our relationship and he has never cheated on me.. .Please forgive yeah yeah yeah.

 

So the next week we received a cc bill and I opened it (I usually don't open his bills). There were two subscription services. I found the sites and was disgusted. I'm not a prude. Trust me. I'm not a prude. But my problem is the type of sites he goes to. He loves black women. Not your everyday black women. But the ones you see in the videos.. He watches BET just to watch the women. He listens to the hip hop stations... Makes me nuts. The websites are all about black women. dirtywhiteboy.com... If you saw my husband you'd never guess. Westpoint grad.. Snob... President of a company... It's just strange. But he doesn't see anyproblem with it. He just likes to look at pretty women and that is the end of it.

 

He promises me that he will get rid of the stress at work and reprioritize his life. He is putting us first. Lucky Me. He hasn't worked weekends in 3 weeks. He has been home before 7 for three weeks and no BET on our t.v. What a stunning change.

 

Am I happier? No, I can't help but go into that e-mail account everyday. What have I found out? He was registered on 3 other dating sites each one he got on 1 month and the other 2 weeks before we got married. I am such the fool. This has been going on for the past four years. I haven't told him that I know about these other sites. I'm not sure when I'll tell him. Should I tell him I know about this too? I just keep fishing. I can't prove that he physically cheated.

 

We were separated for 6 months when I was pregnant with out last child. He moved to No.VA to take this wonderful job while I sold out house and had the baby. I'd be stupid to believe that he actually didn't cheat on me right? The only reason I belive him is because I can't prove it.

 

I'm miserable, I thought everything was just grand and I've been eating like a pig for the past 3 weeks. Oh did I mention that I'm a black woman, his first wife was white and she said that he had these issues when they were married. But she said he was harmless and would never cheat on her or me for that fact.

[shellgranado]

its an addiction he will need medical help i have seen this before and until he gets this help he will lie to you and do it behind your back if you love him then get him help if not leave its like alchol , drugs ,gambling an addiction he may not want to do it but he cant help it

[EnigmaXOXO]

What would strike me the most is that SUDDENLY... only after catching him at his game ... he hasn't had to work weekends or late nights. That alone, should tell you something.

 

If the hours he "claims" he had to put in up until now were truly work related, he wouldn't be able to renegotiate his schedule so conveniently.

 

It's not necessary to actually catch him in the act to prove his infidelity. All the evidence is already there.

 

YOU and his children should have been a priority from the onset. And NOT just because he got busted and now he’s paddling like h*ll to save his ayas.

 

I’m surprised he even thought for a second that you were that stupid.

 

Of course he's going to deny it and work like heck to keep you from leaving. Can you even imagine what he'd have to pay you in child support for five children!!??

[Janice]

My second husband and I met online. We rushed into marriage after only knowing each other 4 months...........marriage lasted barely a year and during this time he was still checking out the online dating services.

 

I think the internet has ruined more relationships and marriages - it just gives men way too much access to porn, online chat rooms and any sexual deviance they prefer. You don't have to have a credit card to come across explicit photos and access some of these porn sites.

 

Back to your problem - it sounds like he's hooked on the thrill of online sex. Ask him if he'd surf these sites while you sit and watch!!!

 

That will throw him for a loop!

[iamtastee]

Hmmm... I suppose a successful West Point grad shouldn't or couldn't find black women attractive

 

If it is the "type",(or shall I say color) of women that he looks at your biggest concern,you have even deeper issues.

[momof5]

So, that's all you got from my posting? Thank you! The point I was trying to make is that my husband has a 'thing' for black women. Not your everyday see you on the street black woman, but porn star type, hootchie, rap video type girl. I am a strong and if I say so myself, beautiful black woman. If I wanted to say woman of color, then I would have. He only likes one color -- Black! Which doesn't bug me. What bugs me is that it is an obsession. I was trying to provide you, the reader, with a description of my straight-laced (West Point), conservative, Republican, stick-up-his ass man. Please forgive me if I offended you. I was only trying to be descriptive.

[bluechocolate]

If you get along with the first wife & trust her then maybe she's right.

 

If he loves you & wants to save the marriage then maybe he wouldn't be averse to going to some marriage counselling to help you two get over this & to help him get over his porn addiction. But if he doesn't see any problem with it he may not see the need to seek professional help. Maybe if you could get him into marriage counselling first they may be able to explain the dangers of his behaviour.

 

But it sounds to me like you may have already decided which way your marriage is headed.

 

Why did his first marriage end?

[momof5]

Thank you, all of you, for your words of encouragement.

 

You're right, I have decided which direction my marriage is heading. I adore this man. I've loved him from the beginning. I don't chose to give up on our relationship because of this blip. I just wish he could be honest about this porn addiction that he has. He is addicted to the attention in the chat rooms and with the online dating services. If it was just the porn, then I would be fine. It is the extracurricular activity that has me concerned. If the roles were reversed, I'd be out the door.

 

The first marriage ended because they had trust issues. She couldn't be trusted with money... It was a vicious cycle of lying and spending mixed up with infertility issues. Even after they adopted their son, they still had the lying/spending issues. She is a social buterfly and he is not. He surfed the web for women of color and she wasn't a woman of color. They just got to the point were enough was enough.

 

I would love him so share his fantasies with me. I wish that he would open up and admit that he has fantasies. But he said that it's hard because I'm his wife. You know, 5 years, 3 kids... I suppose it's never the same for a man after he watches his children being born. I don't know. I want to be everything to him but he continues to hide the freak inside.

[iamtastee]

No offense on my behalf

 

I am a strong and if I say so myself, beautiful black woman. Me too!

 

The thing is,when I read the center of the post,I could expect such panic from a Caucasian female. It would be natural for a wife to feel resentment towards her husband's obsession with women of a different race-if she's white,what can she do about it? Wish it away?

 

Then, at the end, you threw in that you yourself are African-American. So why is it relevant to mention that the women he drools over are black? The objects of his desire are obviously "trashy" women-it should not matter to you-his black wife-that these women are also black.I could empathize with his first wife,but your mention of the BET black hoochies was odd to me.

 

Not your everyday see you on the street black woman, but porn star type, hootchie, rap video type girl.

 

Now I get it-your discomfort comes from him finding those type of black women attractive and intriguing. It's more of a class factor than a race factor wouldn't you think? Perhaps I shouldn't have been so cut-throat in my first reply.

 

So, that's all you got from my posting?

 

Nah, I personally think your conservative hubby is an undercover freak under all of that right-winged gear he no doubt dresses himself in for the public. But, I digress,you already know that.

 

However,forgive me,I may just be a simple-minded,overly-sensitive southerner-it's da heat-it is about to roast my

 

Good Luck!

[look forward]

iamtastee I couldn't have said it better myself as I am also a black woman when I first read momof5's post I was surprised to read that you were black.. and I failed to see the relevance of even mentioning colour as the deal is that your Hubby has issues with internet sex, dating, porn whatever you wanna call it.. it shouldn't matter what colour these whores are because even if they were blue they would still be whores..

 

You sound like a strong woman.. I would confront him and get him to go get himself some therapy before he completely destroys your trust and shatters all hope of pulling your marriage back together..

 

Maybe he has some deep underlying issues that he needs to address and maybe needed to address them before he even met you.. the point is if you truly love this man try and help him help himself if he does not then you will need to consider the sanity or your own mind and self esteem...not to mention the effect this may or may not have on your children..

 

Be strong girl.. I wish you all the best of luck

 

XX

[BarbieDoll_2]

The addiction can be dealt with if he's sincere about it but I don't feel that's the big issue here, just my opinion. I'm a professional, divorced woman and went through a period in my career when I had to travel a lot. It's so easy to hook up with someone under those circumstances and there are married professionals out there doing it all the time. Now I'm not saying all of them do it but I think the writing is on the wall when a married man is active on a dating website (he doesn't have to post a full profile to make contact with others). I'm currently active on a dating site and just recently had a guy email me because he was coming to my town on business and wanted to hook up. This guy had no plans to take time to get to know me, he just wanted a "date". It didn't take me long to figure out his intentions and avoid his emails like the plague...I'm not going to be some guys booty call.

 

Porn addiction is one thing but really consider what Enigma stated..."If the hours he "claims" he had to put in up until now were truly work related, he wouldn't be able to renegotiate his schedule so conveniently"...something to really think about...I know I couldn't renegotiate mine like that. We all want to trust and believe in those we love...just be careful, your own health is at risk.

 

You've got a complicated situation girl. I'm a mom too...you have to keep your babies priority regardless of the love you feel toward him. Trust your instincts, be true to yourself,.....the best of luck to you!