A is over but the feelings are not? Anyone?

[findingnemo]

I have read threads and posts where OMs/OWs have broken it off but still think about the MP. In my case, I joined LS because I needed help. I'd broken it off years earlier but was in an EA. At some point I wanted MM and was fed up of having these "feelings", at another point I was angry and could see how selfish he is. By the last thread, I'd made up my mind to move on. You get the drift? A rollercoaster ride.

 

Now the anger is gone and I'm worried because the "feelings" still exist. I have met a few guys since April but I have absolutely no interest. I do have a "friend" (for lack of a better word) but it's casual. I can't stop loving MP even though I've successfully avoided starting the A all over again. My questions:

 

1. Is there anyone here who even years later still has feelings for their xMP and thier xMP for them?

 

2. Is it normal for the feelings to linger for years? If it is, what does "moving on" really mean?

[Circular]

One of the biggest issues I've seen post-A, in my own situation as well as others, is that if both APs truly formed an attachment and a love for each other that ended because of the circumstances/situation then the full life-cycle of the relationship remains unfulfilled. It would be akin to reading a really good book 3/4 of the way and then losing the book, never to be finished. What happened? How does it end?

 

Sure, you can hold onto anger, animosity, resentment and contempt as ways to negate the emotional attachment, feeling of love, etc... but humans unfortunately aren't wired to hold onto negative experience as much as they are wired to hold onto positive experience, positive experience is what propels us forward, so negative must dissipate more readily over time. As time passes you come to your situation, can't seem to hold on to that anger, find it as a foothold and you are stuck with that lingering feeling of love, nostalgia, fondness, etc... regardless of what you rationally know.

 

Because of this I think moving-on is a state, you are always moving-on, always moving away from and towards something else, more fulfillment, a better place, a better relationship, etc... You have to always remind yourself as such, force yourself not to ruminate, try not to ask yourself the questions.

 

One aspect of A's that gets overlooked is that an A is high-risk it requires both parties to build a very strong trust-bond. An EA especially has deep attachments that are based on fulfilling needs for both parties that are NOT being met in other ways, otherwise you wouldn't have an EA to begin with. In my opinion, based on my experience, this fulfillment created a very unique and deep attachment. So, for me moving-on means staying away, not going back, always moving forward, focusing what is in the here and now. As I know my connection will most likely make me somewhat susceptible.

 

So for me, years later, yes. But it's what I choose to do with how I feel that is what keeps me on the path as to where I am headed. For her? I haven't a clue, I can only guess that it's a struggle that ebbs and flows just as it does for me.

[carhill]

1. Is there anyone here who even years later still has feelings for their xMP and thier xMP for them?

Yes. That time has passed now but did persist in varying degrees for about 25 years. Any specific questions?

 

2. Is it normal for the feelings to linger for years? If it is, what does "moving on" really mean?

Normal? Unknown. Each of us is different. My unhealthy attachment was finally resolved through a two-part process, with one part being bringing the relationship/affair into the 'real', where all aspects of it were experienced and examined and, two, receiving psychological counseling concurrently. It cost a bunch of money, killed a marriage and left a few people bruised and battered, but hopefully everyone has reached their level of acceptance and health which is meaningful to them.

 

I have no residual feelings today. I can barely remember what they were like 26 years ago. I recall, for years, being able to remember the most minute of details, as they were burned into memory, but today I struggle to remember even the names of MW's children, whom I've known their entire lives. I had to sit a bit and think about it and, doing so, no emotion attaches.

 

For me, that was the process. For you, your path and process will be uniquely yours. Hope it works out.

[findingnemo]

One of the biggest issues I've seen post-A, in my own situation as well as others, is that if both APs truly formed an attachment and a love for each other that ended because of the circumstances/situation then the full life-cycle of the relationship remains unfulfilled. It would be akin to reading a really good book 3/4 of the way and then losing the book, never to be finished. What happened? How does it end?

 

Sure, you can hold onto anger, animosity, resentment and contempt as ways to negate the emotional attachment, feeling of love, etc... but humans unfortunately aren't wired to hold onto negative experience as much as they are wired to hold onto positive experience, positive experience is what propels us forward, so negative must dissipate more readily over time. As time passes you come to your situation, can't seem to hold on to that anger, find it as a foothold and you are stuck with that lingering feeling of love, nostalgia, fondness, etc... regardless of what you rationally know.

 

Because of this I think moving-on is a state, you are always moving-on, always moving away from and towards something else, more fulfillment, a better place, a better relationship, etc... You have to always remind yourself as such, force yourself not to ruminate, try not to ask yourself the questions.

 

One aspect of A's that gets overlooked is that an A is high-risk it requires both parties to build a very strong trust-bond. An EA especially has deep attachments that are based on fulfilling needs for both parties that are NOT being met in other ways, otherwise you wouldn't have an EA to begin with. In my opinion, based on my experience, this fulfillment created a very unique and deep attachment. So, for me moving-on means staying away, not going back, always moving forward, focusing what is in the here and now. As I know my connection will most likely make me somewhat susceptible.

 

So for me, years later, yes. But it's what I choose to do with how I feel that is what keeps me on the path as to where I am headed. For her? I haven't a clue, I can only guess that it's a struggle that ebbs and flows just as it does for me.

 

Thanks Circular. I admire your strength. I think the difference between you and I is that I have maintained contact with xMM over the last 6 years. The minute my M looked bleak, I turned to him for comfort. Our connection may have deepened because for once we were being supportive of one another. The thing is I have failed to cut him out of my life completely. I mean, I've managed to avoid any physical stuff and we both seem to have a silent agreement about this. Sometimes we wouldn't talk for months and send only holiday wishes.

 

I don't know if I can move on if it means NC for good. NC is impractical for business reasons but I guess if I decided to end all business contact I could. Our mutual friends? I guess I could do that too. The price, I'm afraid, would be too high. And even then, I'd still be thinking about him? Shoot.

[JaneyAmazed]

One of the worst consequences of developing feelings for someone is living with those feelings after the person is out of your life.

[Owl]

Thanks Circular. I admire your strength. I think the difference between you and I is that I have maintained contact with xMM over the last 6 years. The minute my M looked bleak, I turned to him for comfort. Our connection may have deepened because for once we were being supportive of one another. The thing is I have failed to cut him out of my life completely. I mean, I've managed to avoid any physical stuff and we both seem to have a silent agreement about this. Sometimes we wouldn't talk for months and send only holiday wishes.

 

I don't know if I can move on if it means NC for good. NC is impractical for business reasons but I guess if I decided to end all business contact I could. Our mutual friends? I guess I could do that too. The price, I'm afraid, would be too high. And even then, I'd still be thinking about him? Shoot.

 

The fact that you're still in contact with him at all is a large part of why those feelings haven't gone away or faded.

 

That's exactly WHY it should be complete and total NC...for good.

 

Anything less is a "trickle fix" that is usually just enough to keep the cravings coming, but not satisfy the hunger.

 

You mentioned turning to him when your M looked bleak...sorry for not remembering your situation, but are you still married?

[Circular]

One of the worst consequences of developing feelings for someone is living with those feelings after the person is out of your life.

 

 

You know Janey, I've been trying to find the right words to say this. Every time I post something I think to myself, if I could tell anybody what the issue is, it's this. This is why you shouldn't do it, this is why you should walk away, you are underestimating what it means to have an attachment to someone. That you think in your mind that you can handle the emotional attachment, but then when it's formed you realize breaking it is nearly impossible, and then you realize why you shouldn't ever form these types of attachments...the pain in the aftermath...

 

very well said...

[findingnemo]

Yes. That time has passed now but did persist in varying degrees for about 25 years. Any specific questions?

 

Normal? Unknown. Each of us is different. My unhealthy attachment was finally resolved through a two-part process, with one part being bringing the relationship/affair into the 'real', where all aspects of it were experienced and examined and, two, receiving psychological counseling concurrently. It cost a bunch of money, killed a marriage and left a few people bruised and battered, but hopefully everyone has reached their level of acceptance and health which is meaningful to them.

 

I have no residual feelings today. I can barely remember what they were like 26 years ago. I recall, for years, being able to remember the most minute of details, as they were burned into memory, but today I struggle to remember even the names of MW's children, whom I've known their entire lives. I had to sit a bit and think about it and, doing so, no emotion attaches.

 

For me, that was the process. For you, your path and process will be uniquely yours. Hope it works out.

 

25 years?????OMG!! I don't have 25 years to pine for xMM.

 

I'm glad you found resolution. Sounds like you went through hell. Thank you for telling me all this. I don't know if I can find the same with him the same way you did. There's plenty of times I've considered (if not decided) to have an open R with him and deal with the consequences. This seemed like the only way to resolve it once and for all. I once a wrote a letter to his W which I posted here mad as shrew. I was advised not to send it and after sleeping on it, I got back to my senses. I'm not under the delusion that we'd be perfectly happy. With all the water under the bridge, we'd have major obstacles to overcome.

 

I feel that there must be a solution that is practical - I just don't know what that is. And until I know, I'm not letting anything happen. MM has been in my city for the last 2 days, he left today. I refused to see him or even attend meetings with him and our associates. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable right now. I don't have the energy to play mind games. He was mad at me and asked me how long I intend to keep this up. When I told him that I don't want us to cross any lines, he asked me what was wrong with us loving each other physically. He basically said that we are in love whether or not we are together and that avoiding each other (as we have done for years) isn't going to change the facts. I fear that he is right...and just like that I'm back to crazyland. I could continue doing what I'm doing but for how long? I can't do 25 or 10 or even 4 more years.

 

How do you force yourself to stop loving somebody?

[findingnemo]

The fact that you're still in contact with him at all is a large part of why those feelings haven't gone away or faded.

 

That's exactly WHY it should be complete and total NC...for good.

 

Anything less is a "trickle fix" that is usually just enough to keep the cravings coming, but not satisfy the hunger.

 

You mentioned turning to him when your M looked bleak...sorry for not remembering your situation, but are you still married?

 

Hi Owl,

 

Yes, I didn't NC permanently. When I ended the A, I went into NC for about 2 years and got married. My M was terrible partly due to the fact that my H was violent and literally nuts, the other part was that I was in love with another man:sick:. A HUGE mistake. I realized this and turned to the only person I loved for advice and comfort. That was the end of NC and we've been in contact ever since (2009). I subsequently left my M and I'm in the middle of a much needed divorce.

[jwi71]

25 years?????OMG!! I don't have 25 years to pine for xMM.

 

I'm glad you found resolution. Sounds like you went through hell. Thank you for telling me all this. I don't know if I can find the same with him the same way you did. There's plenty of times I've considered (if not decided) to have an open R with him and deal with the consequences. This seemed like the only way to resolve it once and for all. I once a wrote a letter to his W which I posted here mad as shrew. I was advised not to send it and after sleeping on it, I got back to my senses. I'm not under the delusion that we'd be perfectly happy. With all the water under the bridge, we'd have major obstacles to overcome.

 

I feel that there must be a solution that is practical - I just don't know what that is. And until I know, I'm not letting anything happen. MM has been in my city for the last 2 days, he left today. I refused to see him or even attend meetings with him and our associates. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable right now. I don't have the energy to play mind games. He was mad at me and asked me how long I intend to keep this up. When I told him that I don't want us to cross any lines, he asked me what was wrong with us loving each other physically. He basically said that we are in love whether or not we are together and that avoiding each other (as we have done for years) isn't going to change the facts. I fear that he is right...and just like that I'm back to crazyland. I could continue doing what I'm doing but for how long? I can't do 25 or 10 or even 4 more years.

 

How do you force yourself to stop loving somebody?

 

Nemo there is no magic pill.

There is no magic wand to wave.

 

NOTHING will be easy, whichever path you take. But we can, if you'll indulge a bit of prophecy, deduce the results.

 

1) You tell the W. Well, clearly HE doesn't want that or he would have done so already. For whatever reason, and they don't matter, he is preserving his M. Why? He wants to. In other words, he, as of now, does NOT want to be M to you. You are NOT good ENOUGH for him to leave his M. Boiled to its essence, its that simple. Forgot all the reasons and words and bullshyte...he is EXACTLY where he wants to be.

 

2) You do nothing different. Surprise, nothing will change. This is part of Owl's point. If YOU want change, change something. Doing the same gets you...you guessed it, the same. You don't seem to happy right now so change something. Either (1) above or .....

 

3) Go NC. LC, like Owl says, does nothing but drag out your own personal hell. Why YOU choose to stay in hell when the key to heaven is in your hand is stupefying to me. YOU don't want this. Because you love him. BUT, if you do go NC...something wonderful happens. Those rose-tinted glasses start to fade and a wholly different HIM begins to show.

 

Why hasn't he left his M?

Answer: HE doesn't want to leave.

 

Why haven't YOU left him?

Answer: You don't want to.

 

And you find yourself floundering by default in (2). Neither of you will ACT so welcome to hell (psssst, you have the POWER to end it - like now if you so choose).

 

NOTHING about ANY option is easy. Forget it. You gave up easy when you became the OW.

 

No matter what you choose you WILL hurt. And cry. And suffer.

 

NO avoiding it. None. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

You CAN minimize it. And the first step is to ACT. Take CONTROL back (because he is controlling your heart and emotions).

 

My opinion...go course (3). Here's why.

 

Rose-colored glasses you see HIM with (you do) will fade.

It's a choice (aka taking control)

It allows YOU to detox

Being his OW simply makes his M better for HIM and therefore easier to STAY

YOU get to live again.

 

There is no other advice...you have three options and one you must choose.

Do it now. Why wait.

 

Well....what's it gonna be?

[findingnemo]

One of the worst consequences of developing feelings for someone is living with those feelings after the person is out of your life.

 

Yes. I'm living proof of the above. But then again, based on my history I don't easily develop feelings like I did with him. Don't get me wrong. I have on three occasions thought I was in love. I was fine with 2 of them. Another big problem is that we can't control how and who we fall in love with. So it can't be that falling in love on its own leads to a life of dealing with it. I do agree with Circular and Carhill that the problem with this one is perhaps the R didn't run its course.

[findingnemo]

Nemo there is no magic pill.

There is no magic wand to wave.

 

NOTHING will be easy, whichever path you take. But we can, if you'll indulge a bit of prophecy, deduce the results.

 

1) You tell the W. Well, clearly HE doesn't want that or he would have done so already. For whatever reason, and they don't matter, he is preserving his M. Why? He wants to. In other words, he, as of now, does NOT want to be M to you. You are NOT good ENOUGH for him to leave his M. Boiled to its essence, its that simple. Forgot all the reasons and words and bullshyte...he is EXACTLY where he wants to be.

 

2) You do nothing different. Surprise, nothing will change. This is part of Owl's point. If YOU want change, change something. Doing the same gets you...you guessed it, the same. You don't seem to happy right now so change something. Either (1) above or .....

 

3) Go NC. LC, like Owl says, does nothing but drag out your own personal hell. Why YOU choose to stay in hell when the key to heaven is in your hand is stupefying to me. YOU don't want this. Because you love him. BUT, if you do go NC...something wonderful happens. Those rose-tinted glasses start to fade and a wholly different HIM begins to show.

 

Why hasn't he left his M?

Answer: HE doesn't want to leave.

 

Why haven't YOU left him?

Answer: You don't want to.

 

And you find yourself floundering by default in (2). Neither of you will ACT so welcome to hell (psssst, you have the POWER to end it - like now if you so choose).

 

NOTHING about ANY option is easy. Forget it. You gave up easy when you became the OW.

 

No matter what you choose you WILL hurt. And cry. And suffer.

 

NO avoiding it. None. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

You CAN minimize it. And the first step is to ACT. Take CONTROL back (because he is controlling your heart and emotions).

 

My opinion...go course (3). Here's why.

 

Rose-colored glasses you see HIM with (you do) will fade.

It's a choice (aka taking control)

It allows YOU to detox

Being his OW simply makes his M better for HIM and therefore easier to STAY

YOU get to live again.

 

There is no other advice...you have three options and one you must choose.

Do it now. Why wait.

 

Well....what's it gonna be?

 

I like the point form, jwi71. Quite clear, the options.

 

Option 1: I can't tell W. It's not my place and frankly I will not be the one to add insult to injury by outing him. Either he does it himself or she figures it out. There is no PA but there is an EA which she ought to know about. As for trying to figure out why he stays, I think I have. But I agree, it matters not as long as he has chosen to stay with her. Option 1 OUT.

 

Option 2: This is a non-option as you said and it's the option that has been my hell for too long. OUT.

 

Option 3: (I wish you could see me struggling to write down what I think). I can't do NC. How do I know this? In this very long lasting situation, I've had plenty of short-lived NC periods. The first time was after I refused/ declined to marry him at that time and our R ended. I left for the US (school), had a number of Rs and still my heart was with... The A started almost 4 years later (not a planned let's meet and get together) and ended after 9 years. I then had NC for about 2 years in which I got married. On my wedding day on a beautiful island, I was thinking about... As I said I started talking to him and haven't stopped since. We are business partners and share a lot of the same friends. Permanent NC would be not impossible but extremely difficult. Mere excuses? Unless I'm just delusional, it seems to me that NC hasn't worked for me. I broke it everytime. Should I delude myself that it will work now? OUT?

 

Surely I can't be the only person in this bloody situation. Optionless. If I am, then I'm the biggest fool alive. I know I can't stay the same but deciding between personally killing his M and obliterating him from my universe is just not practical for me.

[JaneyAmazed]

You know Janey, I've been trying to find the right words to say this. Every time I post something I think to myself, if I could tell anybody what the issue is, it's this. This is why you shouldn't do it, this is why you should walk away, you are underestimating what it means to have an attachment to someone. That you think in your mind that you can handle the emotional attachment, but then when it's formed you realize breaking it is nearly impossible, and then you realize why you shouldn't ever form these types of attachments...the pain in the aftermath...

 

very well said...

 

 

Thanks Circular. I often wish that I had had a glimpse of the pain I'd go through BEFORE I had an affair so I'd realize just how much I'd reap what I was about sow. Somehow, in the moment, like you said, you think you can handle the emotions, but that's not the case at all. That's why even though I'm "doing" everything "right" as far as working on my marriage, enjoying my H again, being there for my family, the emotions and feelings still linger. Sometimes they are distant and sometimes they come back and stab me in the heart. During those times I busy myself doing somethingg for someone else or praying or sometimes just crying. No matter what, I stick to my guns because I realize that I can't help my feelings but I can help how I react to them. I do sympathize for fMWs or fOW/fOM who break NC or reach out to a fAP because sometimes it feels like the only thing that will stop the pain. Obviously that's just the pain speaking...I live through the pain and don't give in. It's extremely hard at times, but I always feel better for not going back. The best advice I can give FindingNemo is to love yourself, know that you're not perfect, know that the feelings are neither right nor wrong, but moving forward takes strength, courage, and the grace of God. It can be done, and soon we will reap the benefits of self-control and the desire to have a better life.

[East7]

1. Is there anyone here who even years later still has feelings for their xMP and thier xMP for them?

 

My A with xMW ended nearly a year ago with a long period of yo-yo and breaking NC. Yes, I still have feelings for her, I still think about random things that we did or places we went which have a tremendous romantic signification in my mind.

 

I can't know about her feelings right now but I'm sure she misses me a lot..

 

There are days that I hate her, others that I miss her like hell. Nevertheless I should admit that thinking about her is much less fréquent and overwhelming than it was when we were still in contact.

 

What I can tell is that once you have tasted "the high" (you call it fog, love or addiction, whatever) of an affair, other successive relationships look fade compared to the A.

 

Is it normal for the feelings to linger for years? If it is, what does "moving on" really mean?

 

NOrmal? Yes.. When you have loved someone, you can get over 99% of the feeling but it will always be a 1% lingering. I know if I see my MW I may crush again for her.

 

What "saved" me is that I have fully accepted that she is gone and maybe we won't hear or see each other for the rest of our lifetime. It is sad, it is the cold reality..but it is what it is.

[ladydesigner]

I have to echo what Owl said in that the contact is what keeps the feelings there. My A had been over for a year, and we were "still friends" but my feelings still lingered. It wasn't until I went NC that the withdraw began. It was very painful, at times I wished we could still be friends, but I knew if that were the case I would never get over him. For me it was more painful to have contact than to be where I am at today. I am 3 years out from the A and can honestly say the feelings for him have vanished. I don't feel anger anymore, want, need or hope. It is what it is and time to live my life!

 

I hope you find your peace findingnemo:) it is out there!

[findingnemo]

Ok everybody. I get that NC should work. I understand the principle, can envisage how it works. After a year of NC, the feelings are not as strong as they were. As more time goes by, it gets easier and easier, right?

 

Perhaps I wasn't clear. First NC was 3 years and I never spoke to him, heard from him or saw him. Heck, I even dated A LOT. And I dated because I was initially attracted them. But I couldn't get serious with any one because I was in love with xMM (who wasn't yet M at that time). The second NC was also my doing and I had zero contact with him. I met my H 6 months after NC (I'd known him for years though since he was my first boyfriend) and married him. That NC lasted 2 years. The M lasted 3.

 

I can't do NC not because I'm too weak. I've refused to have anything physical for years, so surely I'm strong enough to maintain NC. Why did I break NC? The first time I needed his help (business) and had no intention of starting something. Well, I did start something and lost control. The second time I broke NC was intentional. Yes, I couldn't take it anymore. My H was quickly turning into a jealous and possessive monster. I called the only person I knew would find solace - xMM.

 

How long can a person live in denial? Even if I have NC starting tomorrow, how long will I sustain it? Given my experience, NC hasn't work for me.

[Spark1111]

Ok everybody. I get that NC should work. I understand the principle, can envisage how it works. After a year of NC, the feelings are not as strong as they were. As more time goes by, it gets easier and easier, right?

 

Perhaps I wasn't clear. First NC was 3 years and I never spoke to him, heard from him or saw him. Heck, I even dated A LOT. And I dated because I was initially attracted them. But I couldn't get serious with any one because I was in love with xMM (who wasn't yet M at that time). The second NC was also my doing and I had zero contact with him. I met my H 6 months after NC (I'd known him for years though since he was my first boyfriend) and married him. That NC lasted 2 years. The M lasted 3.

 

I can't do NC not because I'm too weak. I've refused to have anything physical for years, so surely I'm strong enough to maintain NC. Why did I break NC? The first time I needed his help (business) and had no intention of starting something. Well, I did start something and lost control. The second time I broke NC was intentional. Yes, I couldn't take it anymore. My H was quickly turning into a jealous and possessive monster. I called the only person I knew would find solace - xMM.

 

How long can a person live in denial? Even if I have NC starting tomorrow, how long will I sustain it? Given my experience, NC hasn't work for me.

 

As long as you have contact with this man, a man you may never have 24-7, your heart will never be free to invest in anyone else.

 

Where do you see yourself in ten years, FN? Still pining away for this man? Do your fantasies, every waking moment, involve him leaving his spouse, chasing you down, declaring his undying, unrequited love for you and you both go off into the sunset holding hands?

 

What are you doing here? We get one shot, one chance to live an authentic life where we can find happiness. How much time, head space and heart space, are you willing to give this fantasy?

 

Like I said, where do you see yourself in five, ten years?

[MissBee]

I have to echo what Owl said in that the contact is what keeps the feelings there. My A had been over for a year, and we were "still friends" but my feelings still lingered. It wasn't until I went NC that the withdraw began. It was very painful, at times I wished we could still be friends, but I knew if that were the case I would never get over him. For me it was more painful to have contact than to be where I am at today. I am 3 years out from the A and can honestly say the feelings for him have vanished. I don't feel anger anymore, want, need or hope. It is what it is and time to live my life!

I hope you find your peace findingnemo:) it is out there!

 

I concur!

 

Doing almost immediate NC with my former AP was the BEST thing that happened. It was abrupt and initiated by him, but was the best thing really. We didn't speak for a year. I knew NOTHING about his life. There was no social media spying, no speaking to him, no emails, phone calls, texts, messenger pigeons...it gave me space to really move forward. I even got a new bf and it was only a year later did he resurface and explain to me why he did what he did....

 

On the other hand it took me over 2 years to get over my last ex and one of the reasons I think was because of that constant dragging out of the confusion, pain and roller coaster by trying to be friends and never completely doing NC. It went from trying to be friends, hanging out etc, to the more "innocent" (wrong ) Facebook spying and we wouldn't speak for a couple months then he would show up and I'd entertain him and the cycle continued.....had we gone NC from day one or month one or even 3 months in versus periodically, it would have taken a lot less longer...as each time I got out of the fog, I got back in. Haven't spoken to him in a year either and am well over it!

[RickFox]

MissBee,

 

Im curious, what was your xOM's reasoning when he told you. Did it make sense or was it a bunch of hooey?

[MissBee]

MissBee,

 

Im curious, what was your xOM's reasoning when he told you. Did it make sense or was it a bunch of hooey?

 

It made sense...it was sincere IMO. Except, the only thing I wonder was if some form of dday occurred that also spurred him along. Sometimes I do believe that was a part of it.

 

But he said that he realized that the more we continued, the more he wanted more, the more I wanted more and he couldn't give it and I deserved more and if he tried to end it amicably and be friends, his feelings would only grow, so he felt like the best thing was for him to fall off the face of the earth. He said it was hard for him too and everyday he wanted to call me/speak to me and he never stopped thinking about me and loving me, but as time passed he felt badly about how he abruptly cut off contact so he avoided picking up the phone, as he didn't know what to say...

 

I believe him....I do believe though that feelings of guilt about his gf, her probably finding out or becoming suspicious or something else also occurred leading him to finally make that decision. I can never know for sure though....but part of me does believe that he was forced to a point of choosing, so made the choice to go NC with me, even though it was not easy. It was painful and confusing at first (although I had initiated us just being friends many times...it clearly didnt work, as we continued acting like a couple) but I am glad he took a stand...as that is what ultimately ended the madness and I respect him a lot more for that than I do my single ex who continued to toy me around for almost 2 years post breakup.

Edited October 21, 2011 by MissBee

[findingnemo]

As long as you have contact with this man, a man you may never have 24-7, your heart will never be free to invest in anyone else.

 

Where do you see yourself in ten years, FN? Still pining away for this man? Do your fantasies, every waking moment, involve him leaving his spouse, chasing you down, declaring his undying, unrequited love for you and you both go off into the sunset holding hands?

 

What are you doing here? We get one shot, one chance to live an authentic life where we can find happiness. How much time, head space and heart space, are you willing to give this fantasy?

 

Like I said, where do you see yourself in five, ten years?

 

Hi Spark,

 

I don't think about him every waking moment but I have to admit I wish for the "walking into the sun holding hands" scenario sometimes. I have used all the willpower I can to do everything including a) staying in the A b) leaving him and getting married and c) fighting my feelings for him and living like I do. So far c has been the middle ground and I've been able to live with less stress and aggravation. I've admitted to myself that I love him but have refused to be intimate in a physical way. Our continued friendship makes me (us) vulnerable to discussing our emotions from time to time. I know that but I will not be in an A because that is emotionally too draining. Now I find that even loving someone from a distance is draining.

 

I don't want NC again. It didn't work before and it certainly won't work now. I can't avoid this man for the rest of my life even if I wanted to. I could stop the calls, cancel the partnership and then what? Avoid our friends too? Even if I do all that and the feelings don't change, what will happen when I see or meet him in the future? Same bullshyte.

 

I want to figure out how to stop loving him, period. It's no longer about him. That ship sailed a long time ago. It is my feelings for him that cause me pain. I am perfectly capable of saying NO to him intellectually. So this is a case where time and distance have not made the feelings dissipate. Therein lies my fear that in 5, 10, 15 years, I could still find myself in this very same place. Is my life on hold? No. Everything else is fine. But for some reason, just this one thing continually robs me of my happiness. Unrequited love - what's the solution for it? Maybe that should have been my question in the first place.

[Owl]

Hi Spark,

 

I don't think about him every waking moment but I have to admit I wish for the "walking into the sun holding hands" scenario sometimes. I have used all the willpower I can to do everything including a) staying in the A b) leaving him and getting married and c) fighting my feelings for him and living like I do. So far c has been the middle ground and I've been able to live with less stress and aggravation. I've admitted to myself that I love him but have refused to be intimate in a physical way. Our continued friendship makes me (us) vulnerable to discussing our emotions from time to time. I know that but I will not be in an A because that is emotionally too draining. Now I find that even loving someone from a distance is draining.

 

I don't want NC again. It didn't work before and it certainly won't work now. I can't avoid this man for the rest of my life even if I wanted to. I could stop the calls, cancel the partnership and then what? Avoid our friends too? Even if I do all that and the feelings don't change, what will happen when I see or meet him in the future? Same bullshyte.

 

I want to figure out how to stop loving him, period. It's no longer about him. That ship sailed a long time ago. It is my feelings for him that cause me pain. I am perfectly capable of saying NO to him intellectually. So this is a case where time and distance have not made the feelings dissipate. Therein lies my fear that in 5, 10, 15 years, I could still find myself in this very same place. Is my life on hold? No. Everything else is fine. But for some reason, just this one thing continually robs me of my happiness. Unrequited love - what's the solution for it? Maybe that should have been my question in the first place.

 

You've chosen by default, Opt #2.

 

Do nothing. Make no changes. Change nothing, and nothing will change.

 

You asked how you can stop loving him...the only answer to that is to remove him from your life...which is what you refuse to do.

 

There's no other "magic potion" to take to make these changes happen for you, without you.

 

If you won't go NC...just go ahead and resume the affair. Be done with it. At least you'll be closer to him again...until someone else forces change to occur.

 

There's really no other advice that I can imagine would help your situation.

 

If you want to stop loving him, either remove him from your life, or learn to hate him...or accept that you truly don't want the affair to end and things to change.

[MissBee]

Hi Spark,

 

I don't think about him every waking moment but I have to admit I wish for the "walking into the sun holding hands" scenario sometimes. I have used all the willpower I can to do everything including a) staying in the A b) leaving him and getting married and c) fighting my feelings for him and living like I do. So far c has been the middle ground and I've been able to live with less stress and aggravation. I've admitted to myself that I love him but have refused to be intimate in a physical way. Our continued friendship makes me (us) vulnerable to discussing our emotions from time to time. I know that but I will not be in an A because that is emotionally too draining. Now I find that even loving someone from a distance is draining.

I don't want NC again. It didn't work before and it certainly won't work now. I can't avoid this man for the rest of my life even if I wanted to. I could stop the calls, cancel the partnership and then what? Avoid our friends too? Even if I do all that and the feelings don't change, what will happen when I see or meet him in the future? Same bullshyte.

 

I want to figure out how to stop loving him, period. It's no longer about him. That ship sailed a long time ago. It is my feelings for him that cause me pain. I am perfectly capable of saying NO to him intellectually. So this is a case where time and distance have not made the feelings dissipate. Therein lies my fear that in 5, 10, 15 years, I could still find myself in this very same place. Is my life on hold? No. Everything else is fine. But for some reason, just this one thing continually robs me of my happiness. Unrequited love - what's the solution for it? Maybe that should have been my question in the first place.

 

I think the one thing you don't want to do, may be the one solution in all honesty.

 

If you're scared of being still hung up on him in 5, 10, 15 years...then you should try 5 years of strict NC and see what happens....it can't hurt IMO. I have said some of the same things you've said....intellectually knowing we weren't going to work but still loving him and feeling "trapped" in the "love"...but I also was not in full NC....it was like being locked in a cage with the key in my hand and crying about not being able to get out. Once I did complete NC...I completely got over him. I too worried about never getting over it...but I did...once I released him completely.

 

You can't emotionally release someone you're trying to be friends with....it's illogical. I haven't seen anyone work through getting over someone by being their friend and putting themselves in admittedly, "vulnerable" situations. Impossible...and you are a case example of the futility of that.

 

You're not gonna get over him until you want to be over him...and you're saying you do but your actions show otherwise, and until your actions and your desires get in sync...you'll continue to self sabotage by saying one thing but engaging in behavior that negates that and renders it impossible.

 

My exAP and I are "cool" with each other now...and occasionally he'll drop me a one line email and so on....but the truth is, we're very compatible, we'll probably always have a level of chemistry and rapport, we know each other well...and he realizes he will probably never be able to truly be "just friends", so he avoids getting too close. I feel like I could be friends and be fine...but I do realize the possibility of it slipping and sliding as we're very comfortable with each other. He told me that even when he's 70 he'll probably still love me and truthfully the last we spoke on the phone, for 5 minutes, it was like we hadn't ended anything years before. That's just how it is and will probably be for us. I can and have loved others and will probably love someone else in the future more than I do him...but regardless, there is something there that goes beyond platonic friendship and we both had to be responsible to recognize it and protect ourselves from repeating past mistakes by not being extra chummy. He is now a friend I care about at a distance and if he needed me I'd help him but I am not putting myself in a position to cross the line by trying to call him all the time, share my feelings and all that stuff.

 

It's not a crime to still love this person, as I do think people can have more than one great love in their life...but you also realize the limits to your relationship, and realize not all your great loves will be people you are going to marry or be with romantically...and while you will always still care, the relationship does change, when you realize and let go, to a different kind of background caring versus hopeful, romantic attachment. NC allows that space for the love to grow to a dim fondness that no longer upsets your life...

[findingnemo]

You've chosen by default, Opt #2.

 

Do nothing. Make no changes. Change nothing, and nothing will change.

 

You asked how you can stop loving him...the only answer to that is to remove him from your life...which is what you refuse to do.

 

There's no other "magic potion" to take to make these changes happen for you, without you.

 

If you won't go NC...just go ahead and resume the affair. Be done with it. At least you'll be closer to him again...until someone else forces change to occur.

 

There's really no other advice that I can imagine would help your situation.

 

If you want to stop loving him, either remove him from your life, or learn to hate him...or accept that you truly don't want the affair to end and things to change.

 

Owl, you make sense. I chose option 2 a long time ago and it seems I'm choosing it again. By default. Even though it's just an emotional connection, I'm too afraid to let it go. I've asked myself what it is I'm afraid I'd lose and I don't know what it is. I'm too scared to say goodbye. I'm so used to loving him and having him in my life as my friend. Deep down I know that if we got together, I'd probably not feel the same way I do about him for long. We'd have problems, probably residual issues from the long-term A. I have seen his bad side and good side and know him very well. Yet I still love him. I guess I'm really scared of losing him again like I did when we first had an R.

 

Logically, what you say makes sense. But deep inside my heart it doesn't. I'm happy loving him regardless of the facts, regardless of the unavailability. In my other Rs, I enjoyed the other person but there was always something missing. When I got married, I tried to love the one I was with. And I was NC for most of my M.

 

I can't hate him. No matter how mad he makes me, I can't stay angry for long. Choosing option 2 ie. leaving things as they are is anguish. This is precisely why I'm on LS. It seems like I'm looking for an illogical answer. That makes me feel weak and not the kind of person I'd personally admire.

[findingnemo]

I think the one thing you don't want to do, may be the one solution in all honesty.

 

If you're scared of being still hung up on him in 5, 10, 15 years...then you should try 5 years of strict NC and see what happens....it can't hurt IMO. I have said some of the same things you've said....intellectually knowing we weren't going to work but still loving him and feeling "trapped" in the "love"...but I also was not in full NC....it was like being locked in a cage with the key in my hand and crying about not being able to get out. Once I did complete NC...I completely got over him. I too worried about never getting over it...but I did...once I released him completely.

 

You can't emotionally release someone you're trying to be friends with....it's illogical. I haven't seen anyone work through getting over someone by being their friend and putting themselves in admittedly, "vulnerable" situations. Impossible...and you are a case example of the futility of that.

 

You're not gonna get over him until you want to be over him...and you're saying you do but your actions show otherwise, and until your actions and your desires get in sync...you'll continue to self sabotage by saying one thing but engaging in behavior that negates that and renders it impossible.

 

My exAP and I are "cool" with each other now...and occasionally he'll drop me a one line email and so on....but the truth is, we're very compatible, we'll probably always have a level of chemistry and rapport, we know each other well...and he realizes he will probably never be able to truly be "just friends", so he avoids getting too close. I feel like I could be friends and be fine...but I do realize the possibility of it slipping and sliding as we're very comfortable with each other. He told me that even when he's 70 he'll probably still love me and truthfully the last we spoke on the phone, for 5 minutes, it was like we hadn't ended anything years before. That's just how it is and will probably be for us. I can and have loved others and will probably love someone else in the future more than I do him...but regardless, there is something there that goes beyond platonic friendship and we both had to be responsible to recognize it and protect ourselves from repeating past mistakes by not being extra chummy. He is now a friend I care about at a distance and if he needed me I'd help him but I am not putting myself in a position to cross the line by trying to call him all the time, share my feelings and all that stuff.

 

It's not a crime to still love this person, as I do think people can have more than one great love in their life...but you also realize the limits to your relationship, and realize not all your great loves will be people you are going to marry or be with romantically...and while you will always still care, the relationship does change, when you realize and let go, to a different kind of background caring versus hopeful, romantic attachment. NC allows that space for the love to grow to a dim fondness that no longer upsets your life...[/QUOTE]

 

Hi MissBee,

 

Thank you for sharing your story which is similar to mine. Self-sabotage sounds right in my situation. Since I don't want to let go in reality, I'm sabotaging my objective which is to stop loving him. When I read your post, it got me wondering. Have you met someone else yet? Someone you truly love since you and xAP ended it? Sorry I haven't read your story yet. Maybe you're married since you call him an AP.

 

The hardest thing for me in my M was knowing deep down that I didnt love my H nearly as much as I loved xMM. I always felt guilty for two reasons. The first was that I was under no delusion about my feelings. The second was that my H figured it out pretty early in the M. I was emotionally distant. The sex was great but emotionless on my part and this pissed of my H to no end. He figured it out by digging up my journals and reading through years of loving xMM, the break up, and finally my decision to move on which was executed like a business project that just had to succeed. H was the one who first told me I was in an EA. I'd never heard of such a thing before. Yes there was violence and major psychological abuse and I know that people are who they are. But I can't help thinking that my emotional issues did contribute to H's craziness and to our inevitable separation and coming divorce.

 

How do you live with one person, loving them but knowing that it's not enough or that out there is someone else you love more? NC can blunt the raw feelings but the facts remain.

Edited October 21, 2011 by findingnemo