confusedinkansas Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 I'm looking for some insite for a friend of mine. The mini scenario goes like this..... He: Divorced She: has left her husband for He & they are now together. He: Never wants to get married again & also feels a guilt that this woman left her husband for him. She: Wants to get married He: Never Wants To Get Married Again! Ever!! The guilt is what's keeping him with her. He never asked her to leave her husband but when it was done, it was done. He felt "obligated" to stay with her. What kind of advice do you give someone that's gotten themselves into this kind of a mess? (He...would be my friend not her) Also, they both have grown kids so that's not a factor and they are in their 50's. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 The insight that your friend should be getting is that people make their choices knowing there are consequences. She made a choice to leave - she left the consequences to that is that she can a. live happily with your friend or b. end up with no one. She knew the risks of her choice. So if he's not happy, he should leave. Besides, who really wants someone to be with them out of obligation. Did he force her to leave her H? NO then why is he forcing himself to be with her? But I am guessing that he talked a good game to get her to leave her H (even if he didn't directly ask her to) or else why would she risk it all for him? So if he had feelings for her, what changed that now he no longer wants to be with her? Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 I'm looking for some insite for a friend of mine. The mini scenario goes like this..... He: Divorced She: has left her husband for He & they are now together. He: Never wants to get married again & also feels a guilt that this woman left her husband for him. She: Wants to get married He: Never Wants To Get Married Again! Ever!! The guilt is what's keeping him with her. He never asked her to leave her husband but when it was done, it was done. He felt "obligated" to stay with her. What kind of advice do you give someone that's gotten themselves into this kind of a mess? (He...would be my friend not her) Also, they both have grown kids so that's not a factor and they are in their 50's. Hi Confused, Your friend is not in such a big mess. He'll be in a real mess if he marries her out of guilt or some sense of obligation. He should simply tell her how he feels. Most people who divorce are not keen on legalizing future unions because they are still smarting from the painful process of getting out of one. As long as someone doesn't want to get married, there can be no marriage. But is she divorced yet? Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 My advice would have been to never leave one relationship for another. Leave for yourself, because that is what is best for you. I'd also say, heal emotionally, before getting into another relationship. As for your friend, has he never indicated to her how he feels about marrying? That seems very odd that he wouldn't have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 I'm not sure how long they've been together but I'm guessing around 3 years. She had the same story that most people have that leave their spouse for someone else - The marriage was already over. I agree that no one should leave for someone else. Never a good idea. Anyway, he claims to me that he's always felt guilty that she left & that their relationship has been not good from day one........Remember I'm only hearing one side of the story. He says now that's the full source of their trouble. She wants to be married. He doesn't. I think deep down he always hoped she'd cheat on him like she did on her husband, he'd catch her, then he would have a litigimate reason to leave. He's not the kind of guy to leave a bad relationship. He'd make her do the leavin'. I think it's bull #hit. I say, you're not married, you don't have kids together, you don't even have a freakin' mortgage together. If you're 50+ years old & you're unhappy - get the Hell Outta Dodge! I haven't had a chance to actually say this to him....perhaps that's my answer. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 you're unhappy - get the Hell Outta Dodge! Yup. If the "fix" for an unhappy R is not realistic then leave. Short, straight and to the point. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 He: Never wants to get married again & also feels a guilt that this woman left her husband for him. She: Wants to get married He: Never Wants To Get Married Again! Ever!! The guilt is what's keeping him with her. He never asked her to leave her husband but when it was done, it was done. He felt "obligated" to stay with her. So he doesn't want this woman. He is just with her because he'll feel like scum if he abandons her. Tell him it's ok to feel like scum. If he stays with her just to save face he'll become a lot more ugly names. I'm mean words that would make him cry. So tell him to end it. If he's not sure that he's only with her because he feels guilt test the relationship out for a while. It might just be fear because of how this relationship came to be. If he's sure he doesn't want her end it now. Do it before it ends like a George Clooney relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 He needs to man up and tell her the truth because she will get over it in time. I could not imagine, at this stage in my life, staying with someone out of guilt...especially if you are divorced. You already know how hard it is to get out, so why put yourself in the same situation again. If he stays out of guilt then he has no one to blame but himself. Tell him to grow a "set" and do what needs to be done. This is why it is sooo important to leave for you and not someone else. I would never leave for someone else...it would be because I wanted to and no other reason. Wow...this guy has been through a divorce, he should know better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 I think he loves her on some level. But I also think that some of that 'love' comes from obligation. He's not a bad guy. He's a good guy that just can't step up to the plate & tell someone when a relationship is over. He couldn't even do it with his first wife. She was the one that 'screwed up' & left him. Also, with todays economy the way it is. It's really easier for 2 to live with 2 incomes together than one. So perhaps that's another reason he sticks around. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 (edited) I think he loves her on some level. But I also think that some of that 'love' comes from obligation. He's not a bad guy. He's a good guy that just can't step up to the plate & tell someone when a relationship is over. He couldn't even do it with his first wife. She was the one that 'screwed up' & left him. Also, with todays economy the way it is. It's really easier for 2 to live with 2 incomes together than one. So perhaps that's another reason he sticks around. Two incomes but also double expenses! I truly hope that its not mathematics that keeps these two people together! From what I've read this woman would have left her marriage anyway and thats good for her cause she had the guts to leave. Your male friend should also grow some guts and come clear to her. Edited October 21, 2011 by Yianks Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 Two incomes but also double expenses! I truly hope that its not mathematics that keeps these two people together! From what I've read this woman would have left her marriage anyway and thats good for her cause she had the guts to leave. Your male friend should also grow some guts and come clear to her. Yes double expense - BUT, if you both have pretty good jobs 2 can live cheaper than one. Think about it. If you already have to pay $1200 for rent, why not share the expense? Anyway, My hunch on her.....I don't think she'd have left her marriage had she not had my friend (or someone else) in the mix. I don't believe she would have had the courage to leave on her own & be on her own without someone to catch her. (so to speak) Not that I know her very well. I just know the region I live in, women like her (husband with good job, great house, great kids, - our kids actually went to the same high school so I know most of the moms in that circle) wouldn't just up & leave without something to fall back on. SHE - in my opinion was dumb at that time. HE - now...just as dumb. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 (edited) I think deep down he always hoped she'd cheat on him like she did on her husband, he'd catch her, then he would have a litigimate reason to leave. He's not the kind of guy to leave a bad relationship. He'd make her do the leavin'. Wow. The above is a seriously crap, conflict-avoidant strategy. I agree with others who are saying that she's a big girl, she made a decision and this was always a possible outcome. She'll have to deal with it. But...to be honest, your friend sounds like he's being a majorly passive-aggressive jerk about it. Stringing her along for three years, hoping she'll cheat on him so that he doesn't have to look like the bad guy??? I'm guessing, based on this strategy of his, that he never revealed any of his uncertainty to her. I think her decision to leave her marriage is completely on her. She rolled the dice. Her problem. He's not responsible for that, so it's time to stop feeling guilty about what ISN'T his fault - and start feeling bad about what IS. Namely, this passive-aggressive crap. Please, CIK, tell your friend it's time to grow up! I sincerely hope this hasn't been his relationship exit strategy his whole life. Edited October 21, 2011 by serial muse Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Wow. The above is a seriously crap, conflict-avoidant strategy. I agree with others who are saying that she's a big girl, she made a decision and this was always a possible outcome. She'll have to deal with it. But...to be honest, your friend sounds like he's being a majorly passive-aggressive jerk about it. Stringing her along for three years, hoping she'll cheat on him so that he doesn't have to look like the bad guy??? I'm guessing, based on this strategy of his, that he never revealed any of his uncertainty to her. I think her decision to leave her marriage is completely on her. She rolled the dice. Her problem. He's not responsible for that, so it's time to stop feeling guilty about what ISN'T his fault - and start feeling bad about what IS. Namely, this passive-aggressive crap. Please, CIK, tell your friend it's time to grow up! I sincerely hope this hasn't been his relationship exit strategy his whole life. I completely agree with this serialmuse. See, we can agree...lol. Seriously, excellent observation. CIK, leaving her marriage is completely on her and him staying with her out of guilt is completely on him. It's that simple and there really isn't anything you can say or do that will make them change. They are both motivated by dysfunctional reasoning and until they get to the bottom of that, there is not a lot anyone can do. And you want to provide advice for this potentially toxic situation... why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 I guess I'm not looking for specific advice. What I'm more looking for is an agreement of sorts. I think the whole thing is messed up. I've not told him, like that. But just getting the story here pretty much proves my theory on the whole thing. I never understood why feels guilt in the first place. Well, besides the guilty fact that their affair started while she was still with her husband. 3 or so many years ago when they first got together he told me he wasn't happy. BUT...he was going to 'stick around to see where it went'. Guess he has his answer....unless he's waiting until year 5-8-10 to "See where it goes" I personally don't understand being UNMARRIED & in an UNHAPPY relationship at this age. (at any age, but specifically at 50) OR -- & I thought of this after I posted so I'm editing........ Maybe he's just crying the blues to me so I'll feel sorry for him. Maybe it really isn't THAT BAD afterall........With his track record, that theory wouldn't surprise me either. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 People do not leave their marriage or divorce in one day. So he had a chance to talk her out of it if he really wanted. However, he didnt cause he loved the thrill that she is divorcing for him. Now that he has her the challenge has gone and he got cold feet. Thats a very 'manly' thing to do. If I was a woman I wouldnt want to be with him even for a second. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 I'm just trying to get a better picture of this situation. She was good enough to sneak around with and have sex with - that was all fine and dandy and he was a willing party to that. But now that she's left her husband, he's suddenly feeling "guilty" for his part in this? Where was his "guilt" when he was sneaking out to meet her and get his rocks off? He sounds like one of those jerkoff men who purposely seek out married women just for the sex, but see these women as 'safe' because they won't try to force a relationship on them. You very well could have hit the nail on the head with this one. Haha...guess it blew up in his face. Sorry, I'm not feeling a whole lot of pity for this guy. Maybe next time he'll think with his BIG head. The other part to this - after reading & talking with a few friends. Men in their 50's - (often, not always) after divorce do hook up with the first woman that comes their way. MOST will marry....Here's Why..... They are at an age where they fear being alone. I'm not saying that he doesn't want to stay with her. He MAY....He just doesn't want that little piece of paper that everyone that is married keeps in their underwear drawer... With this guy. I think he stayed with her after she left her husband believing he was doing the noble thing. You're right though Yianks. People just don't divorce in one day. He could have talked her out of it. I think by then he was in too deep. He really believes he's doing the right thing by staying with her since she left her husband for him.(if that crazyness line of thought makes any sense.....) Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Men in their 50's - (often, not always) after divorce do hook up with the first woman that comes their way. MOST will marry....Here's Why..... They are at an age where they fear being alone. I'm not saying that he doesn't want to stay with her. He MAY....He just doesn't want that little piece of paper that everyone that is married keeps in their underwear drawer... People in their 50s are not considered old to be that afraid of being alone. They easily have an average of 30 years left. Imagine being with someone because 'you have to' for the last 30 years of your life Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 For what it is worth After the break up of my marriage I swore that I would never get married again. I quickly went back into dating, I did not care whether my partner was married or not, it was just about sex. In fact I found that married women were easy to seduce. It was just sex, there was no guilt, just a good time I did not let anyone close to me for years, and when I did it was an on again / off again relationship. I had no reason to stop my wandering eye. After 15 years I finally got into a long term relationship that has lasted for 16 years with no cheating. I love her and she feels the same about me, the key that keeps us together as we both agree we never want to get married again. As for the 50 thing, it just so happens I was just abut 50 when the relationship started, but I was not afraid of living alone, and in fact we continued to live separate lives until about 5 years ago, when we finally, reluctantly at first, moved in together. The moral of the story, there it a very good chance that when he says he never wants to get married again, he means it, until someone very special comes into his life. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 OP, I think your friend got what he deserved for having an affair with a married woman. Hope he enjoys the married life! Link to post Share on other sites
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