PrissyDixie Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I will try to keep this short...I will refer to him as my exh (don't know if he signed papers or not last month) of 14 years left June 2010. We have no kids together, he had two from previous marriage. He says he had to divorce the past (I did cheat); wasn't divorcing me he said but the past, that although good to much bad but always hope for future. To his grandkids I will always be Nana and he hopes I keep those relationships, he's encouraged them he says. I seen emails he sent to another woman several months ago and sounded by them they were more than friends...he says no he's not dating anyone, he says he doesn't know who he is, he's not ready to date, he puts down on himself says he's fat and ugly and how lucky I am I could get anyone I want with my "hot body" and looks he says...he said he had a rude awakening that at 47 and four months on a dating site (although he's not ready to date he's on 4) women were not interested in him...I will go NC and he sends a message, he never lets me get past 5 days without him reaching out..."where do we vote" was todays...during the birth of his second grandson this week hes constantly sending me updates and seems perturbed I'm not there...calls and tells my mother about the birth and tells her how he's updating me all day...he's very very careful to be no committal in speech...says things like "there's always hope" - "you never know" - he reaches out with little messages but never ask me what I'm doing or where I am...every couple weeks he gets extremely flirty and sexual, but he's careful when he meets me (to exchange mail or gifts)...Heck, I didn't hire an attorney, didn't want a divorce...he had went through some major medical issues (headaches) and a huge disappointment at work and hadn't touched me in almost three years, no excuse for what I done but I didn't want the divorce, he just said it got past point of reconciling for him but he had hope for future and filed papers, didn't tell me he filed for 6 months (about time he was talking to that woman I found emails from), so I just went to his attorney's office and signed, then property settlement I signed and he hadn't signed it yet, so I don't even know if we are divorced...he doesn't want to talk about the past, only good things and about tomorrow...he's running, he's losing weight, he's making new friends, his life been renewed by his grandkids...I think and love all of that, I still have hope that one day we can reconnect - am I stupid? Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 if you cheated on him first it's all on you to convince him, he owes you NOTHING. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I think hes done, you say you know what hes saying about the other girl is not true. If the cheating happened a long time ago, it should not be brought up again now as an excuse. It should have been dealt with at the time and what ever decision was made then and move forward from it. I seen emails he sent to another woman several months ago and sounded by them they were more than friends...he says no he's not dating anyone, he says he doesn't know who he is, he's not ready to date, he puts down on himself says he's fat and ugly and how lucky I am I could get anyone I want with my "hot body" and looks he says If you suspect something more then friends, then its probably true. What I bolded is called gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. Just stick NC and work on yourself, you do not need to deal with this, life is too short for this type of behavior Link to post Share on other sites
Author PrissyDixie Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 Thanks and I realize that, I just don't know what to convince him of? He doesn't want to talk about the past, he says he needed the divorce so he could bury the past...it's been over a year and it is still the same...this pattern seems like a let her go then pull her back...patience I'm learning a lot of I just don't know how much to give or do...he wants me to be part of the family still (when he wants it), he wants to talk when he wants, see me when he wants but gives very very little in return...so I go back to convince him of what? and how? Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Thanks and I realize that, I just don't know what to convince him of? He doesn't want to talk about the past, he says he needed the divorce so he could bury the past...it's been over a year and it is still the same...this pattern seems like a let her go then pull her back...patience I'm learning a lot of I just don't know how much to give or do...he wants me to be part of the family still (when he wants it), he wants to talk when he wants, see me when he wants but gives very very little in return...so I go back to convince him of what? and how? Do you see how selfish that behavior is? Everything is when he wants? He does not consider what you want! Thats not relationship material. Thats not even friendship material. Its childish and hes in his 40s. You are enabling his behavior by continuing to contact him and stay in communication with him at his request Link to post Share on other sites
Author PrissyDixie Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 Do you see how selfish that behavior is? Everything is when he wants? He does not consider what you want! Thats not relationship material. Thats not even friendship material. Its childish and hes in his 40s. You are enabling his behavior by continuing to contact him and stay in communication with him at his request I do see that and I know I have a part in what it is and what it isn't; I seldom reach out to him...usually it's with bills and stuff that for whatever reason he didn't change the address on...part of me feels I owe it to him, I mean I messed up...if there is a chance (which he has said from beginning there is always and he's open to that)...knowing him so much of his make-up is pride...he was so hurt and angry when he first left he told everyone we were done, people thought we were divorced when papers had not even been filed...he then invites me to the camper for a family get together and wants to go in together on gifts...he goes back and forth and when he cries it just breaks my heart...I often wonder if it's a depression or mid-life crisis...tonight when he called he was telling me about his run yesterday and how things just seem to lift off of him and how he was running and smiling, which I know how he hates running...in past conversations he has said he just needs to know if anyone out there finds him attractive and how he can't go back to how we were in the end (fighting and arguing a lot).... Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Theres a term I use a lot on this board, its called emotional immaturity. This guy is the definition of it. "I dont know what I want" Bull**** he does know what he wants, its just not a relationship with you but hes not man enough to just follow through with it. It has nothing to do with his pride (well it does, hes one of those people that does not like conflict). His depression is from a breakup, hes just further along in it then you are and he's lying to himself about it and at the same time you. Read the breakup forums. Its the same behavior. He doesnt want to be the bad guy right now and follow through on the divorce. He would rather go out and date that lady that you KNOW about and lie to you about it, instead of being responsible and doing what he needs to do and then dragging you along in the process. He's a coward, he's looking for a reason to BLAME you so to relieve his own guilt One of you 2 has to cut the strings, if not him, you! You! are the one going to be hurting from not doing it a year from now and posting on this board saying, its been a year and Im not over my ex Link to post Share on other sites
Author PrissyDixie Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 he does know what he wants, its just not a relationship with you but hes not man enough to just follow through with it. Ok, hard to read but I'll go with you there...you could very well be right....I'm ten years his junior, I know I can have someone else, I don't sit here pining for him everyday; I'm moving forward and rebuilding my life single, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't still love him and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have hope, but that hope does not keep me twiddling my thumbs or crying in my coffee...it was emails I found and he said they were not what they seemed so I had a choice, believe him or not...but he's the one that reaches out to me 99% of the time...he's the one inviting and asking and he's the one flirty and putting r ratings on our conversations, not me...he initiates all of that...if you are done and moving on with your life do you go backwards to me? especially if you really have someone else? Why keep putting me back in your life? He could easily have me gone, after all was just a step-mom, step-grandma... Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 ...but he's the one that reaches out to me 99% of the time...he's the one inviting and asking and he's the one flirty and putting r ratings on our conversations, not me...he initiates all of that...if you are done and moving on with your life do you go backwards to me? especially if you really have someone else? Why keep putting me back in your life? He could easily have me gone, after all was just a step-mom, step-grandma... 2 Things 1) He doesnt like letting go! 2) Pure guilt Right now, you are friendzoned it sucks but thats what it is Link to post Share on other sites
Author PrissyDixie Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 friendzoned Not sure what that means...I'm safe? He looks at me like a friend? Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 thats exactly what it means.... Seriously if you want to get to the bottom of it, find out for yourself Tell him you deserve to know what is going on and you want to know right now, make him be honest with you about everything Hes going to say something along the lines of I love you but not in love with you or I really care about you Link to post Share on other sites
Author PrissyDixie Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 I can be his friend and if that is all it will ever be again I know I will be fine with that too...I take responsibility for my mistakes. I can't change yesterday, but I can make my tomorrow better and I do that everyday. I just needed to understand, the back and forth; up and down makes my head hurt...I've said to him a bunch to just be honest, if he can't be that is on him not me...he will have to live with that! Thank you for your insight, time and your honesty; I appreciate it all!! Link to post Share on other sites
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