Thinking about his past is destroying our present

[idkwhattodonow]

(Apologies in advance, but this whole thing has been destroying me and I literally made an account just so I could get it out of my system and have fellow netizens kick some sense into me - sorry if it's really long)

 

I have been dating my current boyfriend for about 6 months now. We are in a (thankfully temporary) long-distance relationship and will be reuniting very very soon, and will stay together in the same city for the foreseeable future. He's a great guy in so many ways and I'm so grateful for us... Except for myself.

 

When we first started hooking up, we pretty much were just friends with benefits because at the time I was still reeling from a really tough breakup (and still had feelings for this other guy I had been involved with), and he said he wasn't looking for anything serious. Fine by me. Except one day he decided to launch into a totally unprompted story of his entire history. He told me I was the 21st girl he had ever slept with. Also, apparently he had been in a threesome.

 

Okay...

 

We weren't dating, so I essentially shrugged it off and didn't say anything. Although his promiscuity did make me nervous, I just had my guard up so if he did end up ditching, I wouldn't get hurt. Still okay at this point - I have no qualms about friends with benefits situations.

 

One thing led to another over the course of two months and eventually he confessed his feelings for me. I started crying because after having two guys I really liked/loved rip my heart out and stomp all over it, I was starting to convince myself that I wasn't lovable. I was still struggling about my feelings for those two guys, but I started to think that with this one maybe there was something special. A couple weeks later I became his girlfriend. His first girlfriend.

 

Literally 5 hours after our relationship became "Facebook-official" (to the great delight of our friends who had apparently "seen it coming from miles away), one of the girls he had slept with in the past sent me a message, basically telling me that he was a liar, was with girls behind her back and probably behind mine, I should get out before it got too serious, and he was now "my problem." I was very much alarmed, and after fretting over it for a bit, I finally told him. He then admitted that he was scared that there would be girls in his past who would be harassing me.

 

6 months on, we're now in a great relationship, but every time we argue, it just pops into my head that he's lying about how much he loves me - because of that message, and because I am the 21st, and all that jazz. I've become more and more obsessive about looking into his past. I came across old pictures (like 4-years-ago-old) of him and a girl he had been "seeing" and I asked him about it; he told me he had been involved with her before. More old pictures, girls commenting on how cute he is - I made a joke about it, and he started on dissecting each girl and how he would/wouldn't get with that... Until he saw my expression and stopped hastily. I made a jab or two about how he had really low standards or else he wouldn't have hooked up with any of those girls, but afterwards I just cried and thought about how he'd just find his 22nd, if he hadn't already. The other night, I even had a nightmare thinking that he cheated on me. He reassured me upon my awakening that he is faithful. I look at him - he's a really good looking guy, the modelesque tall dark and handsome type that girls swoon over - and I either have a hard time accepting that he's dating me, or that he wouldn't be fooling around behind my back, or both. He's the second serious relationship I've ever had, and I know I used to get jealous of my ex's past (he exclusively dated models before me), but never to this extent.

 

I don't know what to do. I love him. I don't think I've ever had a guy who (at least on the surface) treasures me so much. He says that he never saw girlfriend-potential in those 20 girls but I'm everything he's ever wanted. I'm starting to think that he's lying and all he wants from me is sex - and I want to stop that thought process from continuing, because it's killing him, me, and us. Or at least have someone tell me that I'm not alone.

[ChessPieceFace]

Look closely boys and girls. This is what your promiscuous, free-sex lifestyle gets you. The feeling of not meaning anything, and an erosion of trust. Think back to the concerns of this OP the next time you advocate being a player, or make fun of someone for having few partners.

 

OP: Being #21 doesn't NECESSARILY mean you're just his temporary stepping stone to 22, 23, 24... however, you have reason to be concerned. One of his ex's saying he cheated before is REALLY reason to be concerned.

 

I can't imagine trusting this person if I were you. Personally, I don't see the value in staying with someone that I'd have to constantly surveil. If you do stay with him, that's what I'd recommend, unfortunately. He can't REALLY be trusted, at least not until he has proven himself with years of fidelity. Until that time, you'll have to really be sure he's not cheating.

[anne1707]

Something to consider would be the nature of the relationships he had with these women. Was its just a string of ONS or casual flings with no emotional commitment? Or were at least some of these serious relationships? Did he cheat on anybody - and don't just take the word of an ex on this as they may have their own personal agenda. Also how old is he? The number of partners would typically be higher for a 30 year old compared to a 20 year old.

 

Also consider how he talks about these women. Is he respectful or does he trash them? Does he take responsibility for his past behaviour where he may have hurt them?

[idkwhattodonow]

Something to consider would be the nature of the relationships he had with these women. Was its just a string of ONS or casual flings with no emotional commitment? Or were at least some of these serious relationships? Did he cheat on anybody - and don't just take the word of an ex on this as they may have their own personal agenda. Also how old is he? The number of partners would typically be higher for a 30 year old compared to a 20 year old.

 

Also consider how he talks about these women. Is he respectful or does he trash them? Does he take responsibility for his past behaviour where he may have hurt them?

 

A few questions to answer here...

1) Both ONS and casual flings, as far as I know. I'm his first serious girlfriend.

2) I don't know whether he cheated on anyone. I'm just concerned as to why that girl would feel the imperative need to message me that - is there something I should know but don't?

3) He's... turning 20.

4) When I poked a little fun at him about his "low standards" in the past, he paused for a bit then said, "Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking..."

[aisle_seat]

20 sexual relationships and he's only 19?

 

I'm afraid I have to agree with chesspieceface...you are going to have to be very observant of his behavior and actions. The girl who sent you the message could just be jealous, but it's also a red flag.

 

Having so many sexual partners in a short span of time does not say much for his ability to respect women. In other words, sex for him is just sex and not intertwined with deeper bonding or meaning. If you are to take him at his word that you are the one for him, then you are his experiment in fidelity. Be careful; your heart is not safe with him until he proves with time and actions (not words) that he will be faithful.

[idkwhattodonow]

20 sexual relationships and he's only 19?

 

I'm afraid I have to agree with chesspieceface...you are going to have to be very observant of his behavior and actions. The girl who sent you the message could just be jealous, but it's also a red flag.

 

Having so many sexual partners in a short span of time does not say much for his ability to respect women. In other words, sex for him is just sex and not intertwined with deeper bonding or meaning. If you are to take him at his word that you are the one for him, then you are his experiment in fidelity. Be careful; your heart is not safe with him until he proves with time and actions (not words) that he will be faithful.

 

I'm just unsure how to proceed, because with that amount of time comes a ton of feelings involved, and I don't want to "wait it out" for two years then have it fall apart. I love him but I don't know whether this is a "deal-breaker" or something I eventually come to terms with.

[Leegh]

The guy sounds like a good guy, why live in the past? I'm sure there have been women who have had boyfriends or husbands who had NOT been sexually active very much, then cheated on their significiant other. Was he drinking when he was with some of the other women? People lose inhibitions when they are drinking.

[RiverRunning]

That's a crapload of women for a guy his age. I can see that being a cause for concern if your sex life is different - frankly, to someone like ME (and I am not saying he's wrong or he's immoral, nor anything of the like before the put-words-in-your-mouth gang of LS gets here), it would be a turn-off. To me, it shows he doesn't show enough discretion in choosing his sexual partners.

 

It is promising that he has chosen to have a relationship with you. But you're 6 months in now. Have you had any other encounters with girls he slept with? The ex may well have had sour grapes and wanted to hurt him by way of making you insecure. Or maybe she really was doling out a warning to unsuspecting girls pursuing this guy. If you get any other validation from exes, take heed and start looking into it more seriously. If he has cheated in the past, I doubt he would be honest to you.

 

But I admit I would run away the minute any ex drama started that early in the relationship. Why did this ex even KNOW he was dating you? My feeling is he should've cut those girls out of his life the moment he started getting serious with you, especially if he had screwed them over in the past. Did he not have privacy settings up on Facebook, or is he friends with all of them on there? That is a red flag. Sure, there are folks who can manage to be just acquaintances with an ex. But most of those people are not 20-years-old.

 

You say he treats you well. If nothing else has happened since that time, try to continue going forward. I have dealt with my partner's own sexual past and it is difficult. I will give you that. Mentions of having sex in the past can feel like a stab in the chest. We don't want to hear reminders of what was - because in the present, it still feels as though they're clinging to those experiences and people.

 

Does he bring up the past with you, OP? After having a BRIEF past discussion maybe once or twice, I think the subject should be permanently dropped. Omit mention of any exes or anything done with them whenever possible. Because as you've seen now, that information can never be taken back. In your next relationship, be upfront with other guys - let them know you don't want to hear anything about their ex-girlfriends. You just want to know if they're clean before you start having sex.

 

If your boyfriend is at all mentioning the past, you need to set boundaries. Discussion of the past need to stop. If he is still friends with his exes, you would like it if he stopped talking to them altogether. If he is willing to meet these limits - which I think are entirely reasonable for someone who wants to be SERIOUS with his first girlfriend - there may be a future. But if you find he's not willing to sever ties with any of the girls he's boinked in the past, you may have your answer to whether or not he's seeing someone behind your back.

[loversquarrel]

I don't know what you expect, you kinda made yourself a number by first being a friend with benefits. Ask yourself what the next man in your life is going to think of you and your past and if he can get over it?

[pastdue]

There is no such thing as casual sex. Sex is a very serious activity with long lasting consequences. There has been a lot written on this site about people who find themselves in relationships where one partner has different sexual moral standards than their partner. I believe that we must match our partners standards with our own. We must be truely honest with ourselves though. If we believe that "friends with benefits" is OK, then isn't a "hook-up" Just as OK. The problem is that when we have sexual intercourse outside of marriage, the lines of what is acceptable or not, can become blurred. For example, if a person believes that sex is OK within a committed relationship, at what point does it become OK? After the first date? Second? 2 weeks, 1 month? 3 months? 6 months? a year? 2 years? engagement? If you would respect someone more if they have had fewer partners, then find someone who has had fewer partners and most closely matches your own moral standards. If your partners past is an issue to you now, it will most likely always be an issue to you.

 

I have personal experience with this. I was a "wait for marriage" before having sexual intercourse and then, when I found my soulmate, be so in love that we would want to have sex 5 times a week. (a couple days off per week would be good for us, you know, we wouldn't want bordom to set in) Well, my wife had a similer plan, however, she felt presure from a boy she was dating in college and had sex with him 3 times before he dummped her and then he spread rumors about her that she was a whore, which eventually got back to me a couple of years later when I started dating her. The mere fact that she gave-in to someone like him, (I knew who he was and what he was like), raised a lot of questions in my mind about what her "standards" were. Did she really have the same ideals as me? - wanting to trade a little bit of fun then for a lifetime of really hot marital bliss? How is one to ever know? The bottom-line for me is, it has taken years for me come to terms with the fact that my wife has actually had sexual intercourse with another person. On our wedding day, I thought about him and her while we were on the alter saying our vows and on our 22nd wedding anniversary this year I thought about them. Our wedding night was a bit anti-climactic. It has been something that I have had to spend a great deal of energy trying to get out of my mind. There have been times in our marriage where I would be thinking about them together and I would get bummed out and she would ask me if anything was on my mind and I would have to lie and say that I was just thinking about work or something. I am riddled with guilt that I have such a hard time letting this go knowing that many other men would have been blown away that someone as beautiful, loving, kind and unbelievebly sexy had only been with 1 other man. They would never even think about her and this other guy, only how lucky they are.

 

If her sexuality was in the image of a beautiful flower, and this guy stepped on it and rubbed it in the dirt and made it all tattered and dirty, she picked the flower up, cleaned it meticulously and put it all back together and presented it to me. It was the most beautiful flower I have ever seen, it was a brilliant white with little red veins coming into the peddals from the stem, the flower was in even more full-bloom than before. She presented it to me saying, "I want you to have this, to hold it , to cherish it forever" and then she asked, "will you take care of it for me forever? because it is the only one I will ever have"

I have done that, and at times it has still been a struggle for me. I have become skilled at looking at all of the gifts that we have, our beautiful marraige, our children, our families, home, health, financial situation, but still sometimes the images do pop-up and I have to focus on these other things to get it out of my mind. One of the best questions I have found to ask myself when I have this struggle is, "and why does that matter?" when the answer comes I then ask, "and why does that matter?" I keep asking that down to the last question and the answer is always, "it doesn't!"

 

The bottom line is that we need to find someone with the same values and morals that we have. If someone's sexual past is important for us then our own better be important to us. If we think that we can "overlook" something about another's character or past behaviors because the positives outweigh them, like financial security, social status, being a great husband/wife/mother/father or friend, be careful because if it bothers you now it will forever. Trust me. Is it fair to my wife that I still have these thoughts over something that happened over 25 years ago? No. If I were to be able to go back and do things over again, knowing that i'd still be thinking about this and needing to use the above techniques to rid it from my mind, I would have to say that I would let her go, even though it would be the hardest thing to do. She was perfect in every way except her virginity. It was selfish of me to stay in the relationship. I felt like she was the closest to a virgin than I would ever find, I was afterall, 22 years old and the odds were getting lesser everyday and really, what marriges are perfect in everyway, anyway?

 

So, Why are people having so much sex before marriage. Don't they know that it is damaging? to themselves, their children their future spouse? it is a FACT that a marriage is more than 50% more likely to end in divorce when one of the partners has had even one prior sexual intercourse experience.

 

I am hoping that this message to wait until marriage gets out to young people so they won't have to endure what a lot of people are enduring. Stay true to your values and to yourself. Do not give in to what society thinks is OK or what "everyone" else is doing. They're not. BTW: It is also a proven fact that married sex is better than sex outside of marriage. No trust issues, std's, fear of reputation, pregnancy, heartbreak, ect. ect. While I can't comment on the before marriage sex, I have to say that it would be hard to imagine anything better than what my wife and I have. Even though I was a little to optimistic on the number of times per week, it has only averaged 4 instead of the 5 I imagined. But the duration of each went from about 2-3 minutes to 45 min. to an hour.

 

Enjoy!

[RiverRunning]

"it is a FACT that a marriage is more than 50% more likely to end in divorce when one of the partners has had even one prior sexual intercourse experience."

 

Really? According to several studies, 95% of people have had sex before marriage. The vast majority. The divorce statistics don't agree with the numbers you're suggesting.

 

"It is also a proven fact that married sex is better than sex outside of marriage."

 

Better or more frequent? The first is entirely subjective, so the idea that it is a 'fact' is hilarious. The latter is arguable - how old is the married couple? If they're young, they're more likely to have sex more often. If they're older, not as much.

 

What's damaging to you is that you found out about it. It sounds like you were both young and she was naive. She ended up banging a blabbermouth and apparently confirmed his story to you rather than telling you it was none of your business. I remember hearing my boyfriend prattle on and on about the sex with his ex, and I was a virgin when we met. Yes. Some part of me will always be hurt. Not because he had sex with someone before me, per se - but because it apparently meant enough to him to still bring it up to a new girlfriend years later.

 

I don't think relationships in which you have a too-open partner will ever recover. I have plenty of insecurities. Many of those are due to my own lack of experience. I'll always wind up wondering what sex with another person is like, if it would be better or worse, how I compare to his ex (ladies, NEVER ask him this), etc. In that sense, those insecurities probably will end up destroying the relationship, but they have mostly to do with my own lack of experience and desire to have it rather than the fact that he boinked some other girl.

 

I don't think there is necessarily a 'right' or a 'wrong' when it comes to having sex, but there are codes of conduct for if/when to discuss it. If you wait until marriage, you run the risk of marrying someone who has NO sex drive or is into some really weird stuff.

[ErgoStep]

I was starting to convince myself that I wasn't lovable.

 

Sounds like your picture of yourself is a little sadder than it really needs to be.

 

I started to think that with this one maybe there was something special. A couple weeks later I became his girlfriend. His first girlfriend.

 

That's a big step for a swinger to take. In a good way. I would be reserved due to his past, but overall, optimistic.

[oldshirt]

Here's the easiest way to boil this all down.

 

Put the other women out of your mind for a second. In fact go ahead and assume he is a virgin.

 

Now look really closely at all of his actions. Look real closely at how he treats people. Now look real closely at how he treats people that can do something 'for' him. Now look real closely at people that can do something 'to' him. Now look real closely at how he treats people that can do nothing 'for' him or 'to' him. Now look real closely at someone that he perceives as 'lower status' than him ie a homeless person or McDonald's counter worker, janitor etc.

 

Now take a real close look at the 5 people that he voluntarily spends most of his time with.

 

Look real closely at those things and you will see what his basic character is like and you will see how he will eventually treat you.

 

Does he casually lie to people or decieve them or manipulate them? ESPECIALLY if it is over small, insignificant things, it doesn't have to big major things. Does it appear easy for him to do?

 

Does he take accountability for his actions and accept the result of his actions or is someone ELSE always to blame when things aren't right?

 

Does he treat everyone with dignity and respect? Or does he schmooze and kiss the @$$ of people that can do things 'for' or 'to' him but ignore those that can do neither? Does he disrespect and look down on those that he percieves to be "lesser" than him?

 

Does he have a sense of entitlement? Does he think the world should accomidate him just simply because he is cool?

 

What are the 5 people he spends his time with like? Are they faithfull, good solid decent citizens that pursue accomplishments and treat people well? Or are they scheming, manipulative, entitled and snobbish?

 

We are all an average of the 5 people we choose to be with the most. If those 5 people are promiscuous, womanizing, skirt chasers and party boys, so is he.

 

How he treats other people is how he is going to treat you some day. If he kisses @$$ and you can do something 'for' him, he will kiss your @$$ to get it. If he brushes off people who can not do anything for him, he will brush you off when you are no longer needed.

 

If he feels entitled, he will use people and manipulate them and won't care if he hurts them or disrespects them.

 

 

My guess is that someone who has banged 20-some women without an actual girlfriend at 19 years old, is a bit of an entitled, womanizing manipulator....but I could be wrong.

 

I COULD BE WRONG BUT HE WON'T BE. HE WILL SHOW YOU HIS CHARACTER, YOU JUST HAVE TO BE WATCHING FOR IT. He will eventually treat you as he treats others. How he treats others is the preview of how will treat you. So far there are 21 other girls to preview.

[ErgoStep]

Look real closely at how he treats people.

 

Most men are slightly grumpy with the entire world. And devoted and loving to his wife.

 

The player has developed his romantic skills beyond the average man. He understands far more than the average man.

 

He knows how to treat a lady.

[pastdue]

Hey Oldshoe, that is the most insightful advice I have ever heard. Thank you.