Am I just being a total doormat?

[alasia]

Hi, I posted a lot on here about me and my ex a couple of years ago and got lots of advice to dump him (when we were together) and get over him (when we had split up).

 

Well...I'm back.

 

Here are the main events in our relationship:

 

August 2006 - got together, he moved me in within a month.

 

November 2006 - got pregnant with our first child (half-planned)

 

Jan 2007 - split up after a massive fight as he had a female friend that he'd met a while before he met me. This woman texted him the first night I went back to his house saying she was all hot and steamy out of the shower, and my ex (then partner) used to run errands for her, drive her round etc., then he found out she was a liar and they stopped talking. She told me nothing happened between them but I did find a text on his phone from her, saying "I love you too. The ball's in your court now".

 

August 2007 - had our first child. By this time my ex had another female friend, 15 years older than him (she was 59 at that time) that was one of his customers at work, she used to be very close with him, catch his bus all the time, gave him lifts home from work and was his confidante.

 

Feb 2008 - we got back together, I was pregnant again by him by this point.

Sept 2008 - had our second child.

 

Feb 2009 - he didn't come home one night from work, found out a week later when he hadn't been back that he had moved out!

 

Oct 2010 - concieved our third child, who was born in July 2011.

 

Now. All the time we were split up (both times), he was a bit hit-and-miss with seeing the children - he'd be great and turn up regularly, then he would say he wanted us to try again, I would agree and then he'd change his mind or just not do it; then when I asked what he was playing at, we would argue and he'd stop seeing the children for a few days - or just say he would see them but not turn up.

 

He asked to move in with me pretty much every month from September 2010 until now, but obviously as I say, never go through with it; always making excuses and then saying "but I'll definitely do it on XXXX". Then again, not doing it. And that cycle continued.

 

Then 3 weeks ago, he turned up on my doorstep at 7pm with his belongings - and moved in.At 11pm that night, I was woken by a woman banging on my front door and when I opened it she said she had been seeing him! She said they had been seeing each other since January, the first 3 months were great but after that he kept arranging to meet then letting her down, she was married but left her husband for him, and she had seen him the night before when she turned up at his previous house and he refused to let her in. She said she knew he was packing his stuff up and knew he would be here.

 

I've also since found out that he's still in touch with the female friend I mentioned before, had a one night stand with a woman from his local pub sometime last year, and also got a woman pregnant last March (she gave birth in Dec 2010).

 

After I found all this out, I spoke to the woman he got pregnant on the phone. She said that she first slept with him in Oct 2009 and they did that every week until March 2010 - and she had planned to get pregnant by him but he didn't know this. She admitted that she told him she was on the pill, and only told him she hadn't been once she was pregnant by him.

She also told me...that he had been living in my town - just 5 minutes away from my house - since august 2009. He always refused to tell me his address, just saying that he lived in a town 13 miles away (his home town) and kept this pretence up for the past 2 years.

 

Knowing that he's been living so close by all that time was hurtful; all the time he let me and the children down when he said he was on his way over but never turned up, or he couldnt come over as he had no money for the bus fare - and he was a few streets away from us all along!

 

Also - the fact for 2 years he's been asking to move in with me, saying he loved me....all while really seeing these other women. That gets me too. I always just spoke to him as a friend, never mentioned us being a couple again - he was the one that would always bring it up first. Why, if he didn't really mean it?

 

Since he's been here, he's said that he loves me more than ever before, feels like a proper father now for the first time, our three children are the only ones he feels are properly 'his' (which I think is awful), wants to make up for the past which he regrets but obviously can't change.

 

He's being lovely, but I can't help wondering if there is too much water under the bridge?

 

He did go with me to tell the 'female friend' (the woman in her 60s I mentioned earlier) that he was with me, loves me and says he hasn't contacted her since then, and he says he would move away with us if I wanted him to...but how do I know he won't cheat?

 

He swears that he never cheated on me while we were together and never would, and ok these three other women I've found out about WERE all whilst we were broken up, but it hurts that he was lying to me all that time by saying he loved me. He says he had feelings for me all that time but we argued too much (we did argue a LOT, my fault mostly) and just keeps saying he never saw those other women as long term relationships...even the one that stormed round here then night he moved in, admitted she saw it as 'just sex' as she was married, but then she developed more feelings for him.

 

I have no idea if I made a huge mistake taking him back as although things are good now, am I stupid to think I can just forget all that stuff (huge stuff as well, massive lies!) and give our relationship another chance?

 

I really need some honest opinions even though this post was soooo long.

 

Thank you.

[davesterr]

wauw i have no idea what to say.

i mean i dont see how you can get pregnant 3 times after all that happened.

dont you learn?

 

anyways for some reason you still like this guy even tho he has knocked up another woman and simply uses u whenever he feels like.

hes being an aweful father not caring for his kids but yet you want him.

i dont like to bring water to the sea and i think whatever anyone will type here isn't going to matter since i think you most likely wont change a thing.

 

so i will keep it short: people dont change.

do you still want the on and off drama with the father of your children who doesn't care about you or the kids and rather sleep with other women?

if you do then go for it but just know what you have now will stay the same.

and if you dont well then look back at the past and actually learn for once and dont get a fourth kid from him.

 

sorry for sounding mean but seriously use some common sense.

[alasia]

You don't sound mean, you sound sensible.

 

The thing is, for the most part I think like you.

 

However something...be it pride, maybe slight loneliness...whatever it is...keeps nagging at me - a little voice saying "what if he genuinely does want to be with you?"

 

I don't know, I think I've just read so many stories of people getting back together and making a go of it second time roound, I suppose a part of it was my own stupid ego thinking that maybe as he was single for the past 2 years, men (and women) have casual sex, right? Yes he got that woman pregnant but she admits she planned it; he was a total idiot for not using protection but they both played a part in it.

 

And as for the woman he was seeing from jan this year until he moved in here; well it started off (she says) as again, casual sex. She got feelings for him, maybe he did or maybe he didn't but I was just hoping I guess that maybe he still has feelings for me all that time, and was just 'testing out' a relationship with another woman.

 

I'm wording it badly, I know I'm clutching at straws.

 

What I'm trying to say is - people see other people when they are single; fair enough.

 

However, would he cheat on me? That's the bit I'm trying to work out.

 

Btw I'd like to say I don't regret having my children; I wanted a family and now I have that I've coped well as a single mum and the children are gorgeous so in a way I'm glad I did what I did.

 

If I was without children in my life I'd probably give things another go with him without hesitation - as yes I might get hurt, but at least it'd only be me that would be hurt. But I have children to think of, don't I.

 

I think I am answering my own question, but hasn't anyone ever been with a guy - or girl - that has slept about a bit whilst you were split up from them, got back together and made it work??

 

PS - forgot to say; as he has actually been living in my town all this time, he seemed to have been making an effort; my eldest child started school this year and my ex turned up every day to take him to school. My ex is a bus driver and he does a 'school run' so he'd work from 8am-8.30am taking children to school in his bus, then have a break until 3pm when he'd drive the kids back home again.

He could have done the school then gone back to his own house (3 streets away from me, but obv I've only just found that part out), but he always came to take our son to school, then went with me back to my house to help with the baby until 3pm.

Doesn't that show he's making an effort? As I didn't know where he was living at the time if he'd gone home after the school run I wouldn't have known about it but he still kept to his promise and came here instead.

 

He could also have moved in with the woman he was seeing this year, surely? Instead of coming here to me? I spoke to the woman and she did admit she'd offered him space in her flat before but he turned her down.

Edited October 21, 2011 by alasia

[davesterr]

Doing some work for the children is nice but lets be honest here and most of all be honest to yourself.

Do you really think he is being the best parent ever?

Are you guys a happy family?

The answer is: no.

 

You are not together anymore and the guy breaks up with you every single time.

Does it matter whether he would ''cheat'' on you?

No, why? Because whenever he wants to sleep with another woman he will just dump u the day before and then have ''casual sex'' with someone else.

You actually justify this by some way.

While in reality it is the same as cheating but simply breaking up first instead of not saying anything before he sleeps with someone else and then take you back.

Where as the cheater would hide this and simply not tell you he slept with other women.

Either way its the exact same way.

 

See it as going on a diet where you're not allowed to eat junk food.

But everytime you're hungry you walk to the fridge and tell yourself: Ok im gonna take a break from my diet.

Stuff your face with junk food and when you're done eating you tell yourself: ok im going back on the diet.

Now do you think you are being loyal to your diet? Or do you think your cheating and actualy just fooling yourself?

Cuz that is exactly what hes doing and for some weird reason you actually accept this behavior.

 

On another subject.

We all have that voice that says: what if?

And we all hope for the best.

But we have to look at reality here.

Im not trying to be negative or anything but have you ever heard of the fact that history repeats itself?

People dont change.

Thats a fact and this just proves it because he dumps you every single time.

He did it 3 before and he will do it again.

If that voice in your head was simply after the first break up then ok i could understand.

But after getting dumped for the second time and the third time? What do you think is gonna happen next?

You gotta open your eyes and stop pretending your blind becuz you like the what if thought.

 

Now like i said in my first reply, its up to you what you want.

Either take this guy back for until you get dumped again.

Or either move on.

But if you take him back the same cycle will repeat itself.

And what i think you're gonna do is take him back because u somehow justify all his wrong doings , ignore all of the signs and past history and somehow still live in a fairytale world where you think there wil be a happy ending even though all the signs say the oposite.

Im not really sure what you actually want to hear either.

Then again from the first time i read your original post i already felt that you would not gonna change a thing which is fine ofcourse.

But just know it's your life and you only live it once.

So if i were you i would think about it for once with actual common sense , without lieing to yourself and actually see the truth.

At the end you can make your decission.

Whatever that will be is wil only affect you and possibly your children.

So i would choose well.

Edited October 21, 2011 by davesterr

[SincereOnlineGuy]

the woman he got pregnant on the phone.

 

Man, that used to be so hard to do, but these newer and modern phones...

[davesterr]

lol xD .

[norajane]

I have no idea if I made a huge mistake taking him back as although things are good now, am I stupid to think I can just forget all that stuff (huge stuff as well, massive lies!) and give our relationship another chance?

 

Whether you made a mistake or not, it really doesn't matter at this point, since you already took him back.

 

What exactly are you asking at this point? We can't tell you whether you will be able to forget what an unreliable and lying ass he is.

 

I hope your children have another male figure in their lives that is more stable and who respects women, because their father is a loser.

[norajane]

I don't know, I think I've just read so many stories of people getting back together and making a go of it second time roound

 

This is what...your fourth or fifth or sixth time around? That's not the same thing as a "second chance".

 

He has left you every. single. time.

[alasia]

It's our fourth time, Norajane.

 

Not that makes it any better...

 

I'm honestly not trying to delude myself here or look through rose tinted glasses - of course I hope there's a chance he'll change, but as I said before about 90% is thinking he won't.

 

The only thing that gets me wondering - apart from the things I've already mentioned - is that when we split each time, we were arguing in the weeks leading up to the split - and I don't just mean petty arguing, I mean...fighting. I'm not proud of this in any way, shape or form but each time I was the b***h. I'd do stuff like hit him, text him while he was at work just to say I hated him tell him not to come home, say he was rubbish in bed/ugly/whatever. I guess if a guy did that to a woman it'd be called abuse. Then again he did have those female 'friends'.

This time, I'm not like that. I'm making a conscious effort not to 'bully' him and I'm wondering whether my behaviour before was what made him leave?

 

It's not like he had sex with someone as soon as we split (again, not justifying it at all) - he left it 7 months before the first one and then started seeing this other girl in jan this year, which is 23 months after we first split.

[davesterr]

you can blame urself for fighting , you can blame himself for participating.

you can blame the universe or whatever else you feel like.

you can justify him sleeping with other women.

or you can accept it and still want hm back.

truthfully it doesnt matter.

 

heres the deal.

you say 90% he wont change.

i say its more like 99.9%

then again im just a random person with an opinion based on ur story.

either way like i said multiple times:

 

you can take him back and believe me nothing will change.

or yet for some reason believe he will change in that case im done trying to give advice because some people just refuse to learn and some people dont want to learn but yet just post their story for sympathy.

 

or you can dump the guy and start a fresh life and maybe find a guy who will be actually good to ur kids and play a father role.

maybe someone who would actually marry u and become a family.

so that the kids dont see u guy fighting every year leading to a break up and get back together in an endless fighting which will damage them emotionally aswel.

 

like i said its up to u.

i do not believe people change becuz someone else want them to.

i do believe you can change yourself if you're really determined to.

since this guy wont change even though u would like him to.

and since i think due to everything u posted u wont change either.

it just turns out that nothing will change and u will have to live with it.

i suggest to stop asking for advice and live ur life the way ur choosing it to be.

[robf1971]

No consequences = no change. Why should he change his behaviour, you've given him no reason to. He's got you as a fall back option and any other woman he wants. Living the high life with zero reasons to do anything else.