How do we get over our Fantasy??

[lymtal1]

Three years ago today I met the person that brought me to this site. I wake up to a day that will be bittersweet for me. For the past two years we had celebrated this day as it was the day we first met. So, I celebrate the day because it gave me an opportunity to love, be loved and to learn about life, love, and loss.

 

There is a question for all who read this, I promise, and would appreciate your thoughts. But first a little background.

 

Cutting to the chase in a somewhat abreviated version, I was out one night with my boys and I saw her. I thought she was gorgeous and I had an immediate attraction. I could not take my eyes off of her. I had to talk to her. Well, I made that happen and so much more. We progressed over time to a really great relationship. One that got very serious. Was it perfect, heck no. But we did not have bad fights, did not go to bed mad, never said hateful things and generally got along way too well.

 

2.5 years of being together that ended this past June by her. It was without a doubt classic case of GIGS (thanks Wilson). She was much younger than I and in that magical age group for contacting this dreaded disease. I have to say that she did the right thing. Am I still hurting from it, very much, but it needed to happen. Yes we talked about a future, marriage, kids and all that go with it. Was it realistic, probably not. I know that the percentages are low for this type of relationship to be successful.

 

What has me perplexed is I have recently realized that what I may be missing more than the person is the fantasy that I created and she ended. Yea I get that I put her on a high pedestal. So, big blow to ego, self esteem and etc. But I am working on that and many other aspects of my life. I am doing the work. I have re-connected with friends and family. I have moved on with my career aspirations. I have gone no contact, done the right things there, read many self-help books, seen a counselor, and taken advice from many on-line friends out here.

 

I am as I believe doing, all I can to get past her. I have just over the past few weeks gone on a few dates and started noticing other women. I have realized I am not ready to date, as it just did not feel right sitting there and thinking of her. So not fair for them so I’ll back off till I can get past this.

 

So here is my dilemma and the reason for this thread. Have any of you realized that you can't get over the person because you built this fantasy in your head and because of this nothing will ever be as good? I think this is where I am on this day and want to concentrate on working this and moving on from it. How do we get past our fantasy?

 

Thanks for your responses

[davesterr]

I do not think we can ever get over a fantasy.

However that doesn't mean that u will never experiance anything better.

A fantasy is called a fantasy because it is not yet real , thus you can only imagen what it would be like.

 

If for example we could find out what it would be like by somehow seeing a future where you are living your fantasy then you would either find out that it might be more amazing than you could ever thought imaginable.

Or it would be less good as you always imagened and actually dissapoint.

 

Right now you're talking about 1 fantasy.

This means that it doesn't neccessarily have to be your ultimate fantasy.

By this i mean there might be something else which can be even better than your current one.

 

Either way , see it as a fantasy of living a pro basketball career or something else you always wanted to do most.

You're living a complete different life but yet that thought of what if or what could've been or what it would be like will always remain.

Yet you're still able to live your normal life the way you usually live it.

 

In the end it all comes down to making choices.

You can chase your fantasy to the extreme or die trying.

Or you can live your life and always wonder what it would be like.

Unless you actually live out your fantasy , the thought will never dissapear.

But if you choose not to chase it then the further you get in life and the more happier you are with yourself the less fixated you become on that fantasy.

Least thats my opinion.

Edited October 21, 2011 by davesterr

[mike111]

So here is my dilemma and the reason for this thread. Have any of you realized that you can't get over the person because you built this fantasy in your head and because of this nothing will ever be as good? I think this is where I am on this day and want to concentrate on working this and moving on from it. How do we get past our fantasy?

 

 

I have done the same. Would create a silly movie in my head of how good things could be, and play it over and over again. I guess it's something most people might do. But in my situation I left out the important parts of the movie, like all her problems and how they could screw up the movie I made. I stopped the movie after all the fun times happened and left it at that, not wanting to see all the drama and heartache in the (my) movie. I needed to play the movie through to the end and see what really happened. I do that now, and I am kinda glad that I saw how the movie ended. It doesn't end good. So at least it was a movie in my head, and not the real life event.

 

mike

[lymtal1]

dave, mike

 

great points both of you and thanks for responding. when i put things in a better perspective i do realize that it is a fantasy and maybe not realistic in a sense. i just feel like it is/was real so maybe not a fantasy as much as something i can't have anymore:(. but i hear ya.