You know that feeling you get when your world explodes?

[HokeyReligions]

You know that feeling you get in the deepest part of your heart and your stomache when something profound and devestating happens and you are slapped in the face with it so hard that your skin feels numb, but your insides are roiling about like everything might turn to liquid and spew forth from your body in a great and painful gush of NO! THIS CAN'T BE! and you are in denial and you know it; when you realize that your life has just taken a Before and After turn--where you will always, ALWAYS be able to see your life as BEFORE this happened and AFTER it happend and you know that you have forever changed; when you know that this *thing* that happened will haunt your dreams and leak out of your pores for the rest of your days and never, NEVER go away; and you are still at the point where you believe that you can change it back, reverse it, and you cast about with your eyes and your emotions for that magic button that you KNOW exists and that will recant or reverse that horrible *thing* that you just experienced; when you want to rip your eyes from your head to erase the image, or pour burning rocket fuel into your ears to silence what you just heard; or you want to just step out in front of an 18-wheeler on the freeway to stop the pain?

 

Don'tcha just hate that! I hate that. I have that feeling right now. I've had that feeling before and this has just brought it all back. The image is burned into my mind. Someone sent me graphic accident & morgue photos.

 

I wouldn't say that I'm into that in a weird way - but some of you may know that I've been interested in becoming a funeral director and/or mortician and that death fascinates me. I've seen celibrity autopsies and death scene photographs (you can find them on celibrity-morgue.com) and they don't bother me (if you venture into that site - be warned: It IS graphic). I've seen an autopsy in person.

 

But never NEVER of an animal or of anyone I know. The person who sent me these pictures had no idea that I was related to the person in them. I had no idea those photos even existed or were available! The death scene pictures included pics of her dog who was also killed in the accident. Maybe I'm weird, but those photos of her dog made me sick and have just devastated me! I've been sitting her crying over them both. It was a shock to see the morgue & accident pics of my friend too -- I did see her in person though before she was made up in the funeral home and I helped with her hair--so I know what she looked like then. They all kept me away from seeing the dog though because they know how I feel about animals.

 

Seeing those photos jump out at me (I couldn't get them off my screen fast enough and ended up just turning off the whole thing) brought back the devastation feelings from when my children died. I don't feel 'real' right now and I'm hoping that by writing it all down here I can get a grip on my emotions--which are all over the place right now.

 

I wasn't really sure where to post this. I have not told the person who sent me the stuff yet. I guess I need to, but it wasn't done with malice and I know that, she just doesn't know about these particular photos. I don't want to hurt her feelings or scare her or anything. I've got to get a grip. I don't feel like I'm breathing right I keep having to force myself to take a breath because I can feel myself NOT inhaling and I just sit until my chest hurts and I tell myself to breathe in.

[brashgal]

I hope their death was instantaneous so they did not suffer. I can imagine it is quite a shock. It's hard to know where to put your feelings when you see or hear about something like this. For some people it is helpful to wallow - cry it all out and then put it away and go on. Others do better to put it out of their mind and take it out again to examine once some of the shock is past. I think you know best for you.

 

Big sigh...

[meanon]

Hokey I am so sorry to hear this. I spent a few years at med school. Before we started dissections I dreamt that I came across someone I knew. I made the lab assistant compile a list of all the names so I could check. We have ways of protecting ourselves against the concept of death, of dealing with it. The death of a loved one, the lack of preparation - that what gets past all our defenses. Keep breathing! This is a shock, Hokey, but you will feel better soon. It's worse because it's awakened all those other memories, they will settle again. Look after yourself.

[UCFKevin]

This sort of feeling has happened a few times recently.

 

Really getting f*cking sick of it.

 

I think I might stay away from women for a while.

[HokeyReligions]

Thanks all. I had a nightmare last night (woke myself up trying to scream) but I'm feeling OK today. I still get flashes of her dog in my mind, but I can also 'hear' her telling me to stop thinking about it!

 

I guess I focused more on her dog because I am a total animal lover and most times I put an animal before a person. Plus, I saw her afterward and I know what she looked like and I even did her hair for the funeral - so I have those pictoral memories that I have reconciled with, but I never saw her dog afterward--there was no funeral and no way to reconcile those sudden horrid pictures with the loving pup I once held and cuddled and played with. THAT was the shock.

 

 

Hey Kev - enjoy LA and forget about women for a while! Focus on your career--you'll likely meet lots and lots of women as friends, casual dates, and probably some serious relationships too!

[Papillon]

I know EXACTLY what feeling you're talking about it. I've experienced it more this year than I would have liked...

 

The girl I'm desperately in love with coming back frmo vacation with a big shiny ring on her finger...

The girl I'm desperately in love with anouncing that she's leaving the company...

Seeing Nicholas Berg's execution....

 

It's not a nice feeling...I hate those moments.

[iknow]

Yes, I know the exactly the feeling you are talking about. Yes, I really farking hate it. Yes, it sucks. Yes, you are never quite the same again.

 

It feels like you just went bungie jumping and half way down realized you accidentally forgot the cord. The whole room spins, and you think for a moment that your life is over, or if not over, so screwed up that it doesn't make sense anymore. Yeah, I know what it feels like.

 

This is exactly how I felt when the girl I was/am madly in love with cheated on me. Then when she got engaged ONE MONTH LATER to the jerk who approached her as a friend to talk about her doubts about me, and then abused the friendship to drive up apart, it happened again. So yeah, I know what it feels like.