Why does she LOVE to struggle..?

[Coupedriver]

I started total NC this morning..sent her the last e-mail I will EVER send..."You have 2 weeks to get your mail stopped...after that,its to the trash it goes.." End of story.I told her..DO NOT REPLY and for the record..YOUR e-mail is now BLOCKED.!! I don't want to hear anything from you...you made you choice,now live with it.

My life is MORE important then yours...I hope it does come back to BITE you in the arse....JUST like I told you it would.I wont want you back...or take you back...How may lies are there that I DON'T know about..?!?!? I could never live like that....Yes I will always love you,but not to the point where I dont know who I am...NEVER again..!!! And I dont know how others do it...NO possible way could I ever "Wish her well."Maybe wish her INTO a well...but never tell her that.Thats the end for me right now...I need a HOT shower.I dont know..( and I am guilty of saying this..) I MIGHT not be back here....right now I am too torn up and stay away from most of the posting in breaking up and such.I think,well for me,stirs up WAY too much hurt and makes me re-live what I went through.

I wish everyone the BEST and be the BEST you can...Yes,I am at the darkest part in my life and I see no light..yet...maybe with time and patience and healing....but I have to make an effort..

[davesterr]

I know what you're saying.

I once wanted my ex girlfriend to be used and dumped so her heart would break and she would realise what she had with me.

Now i am simply thankful for the great moments we shared and i want her to be happy.

I don't wish her any pain or heartbreak or suffering.

I did all i could , and maybe some day in the future who knows what will happen.

But the last thing i wanna do is cause her pain by myself.

Because i truely do love her and wish her all the best.

 

Try to be the better man here.

If you really do love her then you want her to remember you in a good way.

Don't be the guy that tried to sabotage her life just because he didn't get his own selfish way.

Whether you deserved to get it or not.

Dont be that guy.

 

However if it is as you say and you can't wish the best for her.

Than that just mean that you no longer love her like you used to.

In that case it will be only easier to move on.

 

But if you need to take a break from all of this then do what feels right man.

Sort it out. Only you know what you really need and whats best for you.

Change the mail thing so you dont have any obligations to see her or contact he and start working on yourself.

All the best.

[Coupedriver]

Here is the story i mentioned earlier that i wrote that might help you:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t303621/

 

Dont end up like one of those addicts gone too far.

Dont give up and miss out on all the future oppertunities.

The future is never set so no matter what , live life the best way you can so that you are ready for anything when the time arrives.

Goodlucks with everything man.

 

Ps: i can understand your angry and you probably have all rights to be.

But revenge wont settle anything.

I don't know whether calling the school is a good idea or whether you do it to pay her back.

But remember , if you truely love her as you say you do.

Then dont u want whats best for her?

Don't you want her to live her life as happy as possible even if its not with you?

If she wants to learn from her mistakes the hard way , isn't it your responsibility to let her?

If you truely love her than you will respect her wishes and not participate in revenge games.

You're better than that.

 

 

Did she bother to think what was BEST for me while lying the whole time..??!!??! If she REALLY loved me like she said she did,.?? SHE only thought of herself...NOPE...!!

I honestly DON'T care how she lives her life...we ALL make choices in life we regret,she will have to LEARN the harder way NOT to f*ck with peoples feelings like there are a piece of paper,to be thrown around.SHE has ALWAYS been like that..!!!

I really don't care how HAPPY she thinks she is or can be...I LOVED her until it all set in..then it didnt make a difference...

Isnt her RESPONSIBILITY to tell the one you LOVE whats going on in BOTH of your lives and NOT sneak around and lie..?!??

There comes a time in your life..you are MADE to be RESPONSIBLE for your actions and words and to stop hiding behind a smile.She made her choice,no one held a gun to her head.

[davesterr]

Yeah normally she should.

Im not picking anyone's side here though because i don't know the full story.

But if you no longer want her to be happy then that just shows that you no longer feel the same or as strong as you did before.

This will only help you move on more.

 

Just focus on yourself and do what you feel like you need to do.

Like you said: We are all responsible for our own actions.

[Coupedriver]

I want to thank you davesterr.Yeah I know it all sounds harsh BUT all she had to do,and I asked her this SEVERAL hundred times,is this all too much for you..? She always said NO,she can handle it.All she had to do is to be honest...is that so much to ask from someone who gave you whatever you wanted or needed..?To break his back to make you happy..? To help raise your daughter and give up everything..? Yeah we argued,but she kept making me feel like I was wrong to ask her to take care of the house.She only worked part time..I worked 50 to 55 hours a week and still came home to do what needed to be done.I always put her first...wilsonx told me..Its called the "CAREGIVER personality.." Very hard to break from what I have learned.

"Can you STOP leaving the laundry in the washer for days at a time.?"Can you at least clean up the mess you made and NOT let me come home to see you sitting there watching TV while dishes needed to be cleaned and put away.?"...I dont get it....but I am tired...

[IfiKnewThen]

WoW! so many emotions and thoughts and feelings when reading this post.

 

first i would like to say coupe. 1,000 hugs

 

second davsterr, you're a good man because i can tell you really care. put so much thought and feeling in your post from your experiences trying to help.

 

i too am still in denial. i kept wishing , hoping , praying something would give.

 

but i did try soooo hard to almost fake it till i make it.

 

its not easy to just go straight to acceptance post break up. in the end, like you said, this is the ultimate survival technique. so we can move forward and feel some happiness. acceptance, thats the thing.

 

but i do believe in "stages"... like with a physical illness. when we hear of a physcial illness or dianosis we..... 1) go in for knowledge of it and understanding. research. our brain goes into search mode , wanting answers to get a handle on things.

 

then 2) ...we go into hope to get better. then denial if it lookss bleak or we dont want to face it. 3)then anger for it going on so long or being chronic , not accute or compromising our lives in anyway. and from what i am seeing and what i read.....this is normal for the most part....before 4) acceptance. some people accept things easier. but its our nature, human nature, to try to fix it, or get a handle on it before accepting something.

 

i know for myself my ex is married now (6 months post break up....a year ago) and i am still in some denial. "to everything there is a season and a time" and its good to look at that passage in the bible too coupe. there is a time to grieve and a time to rejoice. find a time to rejoice in some things in the day. however hard it is. because there is a time to do certain things. it even says there a time to pluck and sow. so even if the fruit is ripe there is a time you still have to pluck it before it goes bad. or dont pluck it while its too raw. and theres a time to plant things. the point is...it takes time to heal and there are stages...each having its time. just dont get stuck in one of them. and to do that..you have to make time...to do something...healing for yourself. a time out...even have a good sand which focus on show and repeat the words coming out of the tv actors mouth..just to make sure youre paying attention to it and your mind isnt wondering. just to get a reprieve. there is this time to cry too. make a time to laugh at something too. even if youre thinking how ugly her boyfriend is.

 

but heres the thing. we CANT psyche ourselves up more. it becomes a habit and spirals. so discipline is key in healing too. i am not talking about crying and grieving. those who mourn i do believe will be comforted. (as it says in the bible too) but you cant let the rage and anger get out of hand. or the hope or the denial. you need discipline to balance, yourself.

 

it was my undisciplined behavior that ruined my relationship with the man i loved. he was more passive. i was aggressive. and i honestly and shamefully took advantage of that. i am a passionate person by nature. so even when expressing myself....my passion, was consuming him. and i made bad things worse by my overwhelming demonstrative ways of seeing everything as how bad it was. rather than the possibilities of it getting better. i was basically intense. but it was because i was under a lot of pressure but I allowed the pressure to spiral but getting so worried or excited about it. and trying to prove how bad things were made them worse. it became all too much for him (and what he could handle). we all have our threshold. my point is...dont let your darkness psiral even though you feel this pain and hopelessness now. we can do daily things to life us from that. anything to make us remotely happy and think healthier to survive! so we can be happier. its circular.

 

but the bottom line is.....i think its ok to feel and go through all the gamut of emotions and its been said by experts, or people who have come out the other side of this horror....is that its necessary to experience all the emotions. they wax and wain, there are triggers to each of them. some emotions temporarily cancel out others. like anger can cancel out grief temporarily and forgiveness cancel out anger and hope cancel denial and denial cancel out hope...and then finally there is true acceptance. the quicker you get to acceptance. the better. thats the place to be!!! you accept it . you dont like it but it registers. i am trying to get there too. but most of me knows this.

 

the hard part in the beginning was (and still is) discipline. because if i allow myself to, i can freak out over how he ended it. even though he was really good in the during the relationship. he was also a clam though and acted like all wwas well when he didnt agree with something and let it build. but oyou need slef discipline so you dont fall deeper in despair. s just balance it out, as you are healing . i mean when you think on something and get mad at her fine..but dont give into heightened emotions. really dont allow yourself to heighten it. it spirals. and it almost renders you in more of the thick of it. you need to move away from our drama. even though we are right about it. we cant say things to ourselves and allow ourselves to fully let the blood pressure boil and then obsess on it. we are trying to give ourselves some amount of peace too...thats also a coping mechanism just keep balance or we go nutz..

 

also it helps to get into a routine that you at least semi like. no this doesn't replace love. but it replaces and displaces some thoughts that arent always good for us, and become like barnacles and stick to us. a little daily routine gives your mind a reprieve , which gives your emotions a reprieve too. because everything starts with a thought. feelings follow suit of thoughts.

 

we dont know what she wants. but she has made some radical moves living with someone. all that is not set in stone..but while that much is a reality....its good to follow devester's road to acceptance. that doesnt mean to me you completely give up hope yet. but the goal is to get to acceptance. so you put that hope in prospective, i guess. but hope can be a good thing at certain stages of healing.

 

i felt every word you wrote. feelings i had myself at times. i feel devester too. your posts should be classic read here on LS for help for anyone.

 

coupe i am talking about you here. so many can relate. and you too devester.

 

my mother told me years ago....."in 100 years from now..none of us will be here". so it makes sense, to me to live your life out...because you never know what good can happen. i am not young. my daughter was hurt very bad too 1 year ago by her live in boyfriend. he cheated on her ...etc.

 

she cried and ached so much, and i was going through pain of my own at the time....she was limp and pale and weak...she couldn't walk or drive. sigh omg it pains me to even think back. tonight she was so happy on the phone.

 

shes met other people since, that horrible breakup time where she was kicked out of her own home by him. she found her own apartment and catapulted her career. i am proud of her. i hope this new guy she met will all be ok. all parents want the best for their children. but i told her back then too. in 100 years from now we likely wont be here. live it out. keep going. this pain in life will stop someday anyway, by the natural order of things...or whatever. so live it out. well today she is a new happier person.

 

when my sisters fiance left this world..she fell apart. my mom lived close to her at the time, and she would always try to cheer her up. give her love and support. i said to my sister.... __________, please just hold on to those we have now. that's all you can do. hold on to any good ..any people. well 1 year later, my mom died of cancer. then my sisters best friend died...cancer too. then her cat. the point is each loss she realized what she still had all along and didn't realize until those things were gone too. that she still really did have something. and some things that meant something to her. things are out there that still give strength. hold on to each of them. cherish them . even if its a fish. try to be happy through the pain. even in little doses. just try to get the good to balance the aweful out. you have to do it. and you will still see good in life. its there. take hold of every bit of it. thats what i am trying to remember too. do little things that make you happy. everyday.

 

now i am rambling. by the way my, sister met a great man and got married last year. has a mother in law though our mother is gone.

 

we will all be in the same boat in 100 years. even all of us on LS. its what are we going to make of our lives now?

 

and i don't have it wrapped up. not even close. but i do believe God gives us all something to give to someone else. believe me i have to tell myself this stuff everyday!!! but that doesn't mean its bleak because i have to remind myself. we all need reminders. even how to treat others..better. we forget.

 

i got sick a few years ago...with a disability. when i first got it..i was in total shock and horrified. i went on the internet and couldn't find too many people that healed . no its not an std but the point is....when i looked on the internet i thought....omg and i freaked out more. and my doctor wasn't much help and didnt give the best prognosis and i let the ithernet crap...stories from others who had this for years and years...to get to me and it directly interfered with my healing. i freaked out, and saw all the bad. and focused on that. that in turn exacerbated my condition. 3 years later i am doing ok. i am functioning again. i didnt think i could go to so many places and my life was so compromised. in fact it ruined my relationship. he tried to give me hope about my condition but i wouldn't hear it. till finally i became the biggest drag to him. not because he wasn't sensitive to my condition, but because i had no self discipline and almost became abusive with taking advantage of his patience with me and my disability. i was so damn negative. i thought i would trade him in for my very illness to be healed. and then when he was gone...i started to forget about my illness and do more things...because i was in a fog thinkibng about him. but then it got to the point where i was doing things i wouldnt do with my illness. (while with him)..swimming , going to a movie. because i was so messed up with thinking of him, i did things like a zombie but i did things non the less. before while with him , i was too worried about the illness to do anything but complain. its a shameful story and i live with guilt too. my point is DONT spiral with passion...and obsession on things and the negativity of them. or get in the habit of freaking out all the time..because then you get out of control and that is not a healing place. its a spiraling downward place. of cours, you cant be little mr perfect. but you have to start thinking more disciplined and acting on that to heal. if you freak out. set a time limited. look at the clock. 10 mins freak out time then ..soething soothing. instead of acting out. because during this painful time you need balance. give it to yourself. and

 

no drugs. unless your dr says so but even then you still need moderation. the key i think to all this is, to get to healing.......... moderation.

 

if shes a liar....use, it as a platform to say...(not freak out or act out, and i am NOT saying you are doing that....not at all coupe) "this is why its best i am not with her now" dont freak out completely.

 

if she nice..say .."this will make it easier to forgive her so i can move forward on my own" turn the situation ...into an empowering one by saying positive empowering things to yourself.

 

we can analyze this to death. but right now we are in survival mode. and yes the mind needs to straighten things out in order to get into some place of acceptance. but in MODERATION. BALANCE and thoughts that work for us..not against us. but its ok to be pissed or whatever..but not to where it does you harm.

 

i am learning a lot reading your posts. that i am not alone in this terrible feeling. that us humans have a lot of the same responses. i can see what another person of passion feels like i do, and know i am not crazy lol. (to coupe) and when i read you and davesterr... i knew to bookmark the whole thread and come back to it for the pep talk for strength i need for myself from time to time.

 

does that make me weak? hell no. does that make me human. yes.

 

recently i read something. (not quoting it 100% here, don't remember it word for word. ) that was like ..."The purpose of life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave with a well-preserved body, but rather to Slide in Sideways, completely used up, yelling and screaming, what a ride! — Author Unknown"

 

now i am NOT saying dont take care of yourself because if you dont and you get sick...life will be harder and not as pleasurable. we have to take care of our health and bodies. the point is...we are all human. this is a ride. we got to feel love in our life time. and there is still more time. but yes the horrible grieving stinks. but its still life and there are all kinds of moments that add up that are good. but how can we feel them? we have to allow it. make it ...produce it. be open to it. embrace it. see it in a friend or family members eyes or hugs. give , give to others. that helps...so help me. in the bible it also says when youre sad to associate with the lowly. that doesn't mean hanging around doom and gloom. you need to be uplifted. but to uplift another and be in the company of others who need your assistance helps you as well. and is a distraction, and can make you feel btter about yourself.

 

there another saying: you can judge a mans character by how he treats someone who has nothing to give him.

you dont have to treat her any which way now. youre grieving. but you can be indifferent to her...eventually. even though she has nothing to give you now. i know not being with the one you love and know in your heart is right for u ...sucks. this is one of the worst feelings i have ever known. all the what if's. but there is hope..hold on dearly to it and get stronger because you want to heal. you deserve to be free again as a living being.

 

go easy on yourself. you speak a lot of truth about pain and suffering. but you can not allow yourself to get too too immersed it in. i know you know that : ) keep on keeping on. feel the love around you from others who care. and others who have been there and are going through it.

 

lets all try to make this time, to 100 years from now the best we can. because we really dont have 100 years from how old we are today anyway. live in the 24 hours of each day. one day at a time. and make the most of it. like the things davidsterr spoke of. get through each day and hope in tomorrow. sorry for your sorrow. we all feel you here. keep praying for the pain to go away...and when it does....and it WILL, even when it happens for a split second and you are not focused on her....capitalize on that!!! dont go too quickly back to the sorrow, and frustration and grief. let healing build..and evolve.

*hugs*

[IfiKnewThen]

ps it is late or early 5 am here. i hope you excuse typos spelling and hope u can make some sense of it all. i know it was long

[IfiKnewThen]

pss

 

i know you read a lot of books. maybe some of them are how to get back with your ex or how to cope. but i seriously have to recommend..the classic

 

men are from mars and women are fro venus, by john greys. worlds best seller. its not as a "how to get back with her"....though it may help...i am sure it did for many.

 

but its a how to interpret what women are saying....and for women its how to interpret, what men are saying, book. we have different needs. (men and women) i mean we all want to love and be loved. thats the same. but how we get to the place of feeling "loving" and demonstrating it, are 2 completely different things. thats why he says...men are from mars and women are from venus. hence the title. its a REAL easy read and REAL eye-opener. please check it out. it helps with perspective with the opposite sex.

[stunned8165]

I know how you feel. I also get that feeling in my gut that my ex isn't as happy as she thought she would be. I can read between her lines in any e mail she sent. Like I said, read my other posts and you will see. But we CAN'T be captain fix a hoe. They have to want to fix them selves. Some don't know how and wouldn't know how to handle normalcy and stability. I believe that is a major problem with mine. Way too much baggage. She had it all and through it all away.. I know it's easier said then done when you have feelings for that person. In my case, I lost three. Four if you want to count her dog which also clung to me just like the kids because she was un affectionate towards all of us for months... But even if we know, and have solid proof that things aren't so grand on the other side of the fence, we have to find a way to let go. I know it's hard, but we must!

[Coupedriver]

I keep coming back to something..it bothers me So much I can feel it trying to drain me.How can she stand there..day after day,week after week,month after month and tell me .."I love you." Let me take them out to steak dinner's,movies and shopping.Buying her and her daughter things they want.Making plans to go away...fix her car,always being there....let me take her to bed and make love to her and the WHOLE F*CKING GOD DAMN F*CKING TIME your making plans to be with SOMEONE ELSE...!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????

STAND THERE AND LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT......!?!?!?! GIVE me an STD and I STOOD BY HER THE WHOLE F*CKING GOD DAMN F*CKING TIME and NEVER RAN OUT on her OR KICKED her out when I FOUND OUT and act like it all meant nothing...!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!?!?!?!?!??!!?!

Where and the hell does that come from..!???!?!?!And I am supposed to support her and wish her well..??!??!? THREE small things is all it would have taken...JUST 3...ONLY 3.." All she had to say was...1)."Look,I have been talking to this guy for a while..I NEED to know what is going with us..?" 2).Should we TRY and work it out..? and the LAST and the most important...."I AM SORRY.."..Thats all it would have taken...BUT to F*CKING lie..sneak around and do this to a guy who's only joy was making you F*CKING happy.A guy who gave you EVERYTHING....and almost his own life for you.

And the whole time..you lie to me.Dont seek revenge..?!?!? Turn the other cheek..?? Why..?? So she can keep doing what she wants to with NO responsibility to anything thing she does to others..?? The more I find out about hidden lies,the worse it seems....

All of the lies are about to stop..that F*CKING smirk on her face and her thinking.." Oh well attitude" is about to come to a screaching halt.I want to see her try and lie her way out of all of this...I have to go lay down for a while...the shakes wont stop...

[davesterr]

Sometimes people are just bad people.

Bad people dont care , have no guilt and have no heart.

You can not change these people no matter how hard you try.

They cheat , lie , use and do whatever they want for selfish reasons.

And most of all: They don't say sorry or apologize because they dont care.

 

A friend of mine told me once: Don't go snooping around if you dont want to get hurt.

When i went into online stalking mode and did things im not proud of to find information.

The more i found the more hurt i got.

 

The lesson i learned was: The less you know the less you get hurt.

Don't go digging deeper and deeper just to find dirt.

Because the more you dig , the deeper the hole you end up in.

And the harder it is to get out.

 

You say the shaking wont stop and the pain wont stop.

Well see it as a bonfire.

A fire will always hurt you if you stick your hand in it.

And the more wood you throw on it the hotter it gets.

Since the fire isn't going to change on it's own.

The best thing to do is to stop feeding it wood and just walk away.

Untill aventually you are so far away the heat no longer reaches you.

And untill so much time has past that the flame has gone out due to you not feeding it more wood.

 

By this im saying that the past you have with your ex will always hurt(flame)

And nothing can change the past.

The more you try to find out the more you get hurt (sticking your hand in the flames)

The more you engage yourself in her life or past memories the more reaons you get hurt (throwing extra wood on the fire making it a bigger flame)

The best thing to do is really just walk away.

The last thing you wanna do is throw yourself on the fire and slowly burn everyday which is what you are doing now.

 

Listen to all the advice we gave you and do something wit it.

It's really your own decission and ur responsible for your own actions.

But if you dont like living like this then get urself together and make an effort to get out.

No one is going to do it for you.

We gave you the advice and laid out the tools that are in front of you.

Now its up to you to take those tools and rebuild yourself for the best.

And that is something only you can do.

[Coupedriver]

Those are things friends and family have told ME..without asking..!! And a hidden Facebook account to top it all off...!!

[davesterr]

Just tell your friends and family you dont want any further updates.

They will understand.

Just keep yourself as busy as possible.

Really you can do this man.

You just gotta believe in yourself and work hard.

The beginning the most painful but after that you will find yourself in a better place and things will become easier.

[Coupedriver]

I know how you feel. I also get that feeling in my gut that my ex isn't as happy as she thought she would be. I can read between her lines in any e mail she sent. Like I said, read my other posts and you will see.!

 

 

Dont ask HOW I know stunned8165....I just do sometimes.I can be watching TV or walking and then..POP,the feeling comes in.I asked her before..If your so happy,why do you look UN-HAPPY.??! Before it was stopped...the PILE of credit card bills were coming in faster then I could even count.When I last saw her and the time before that..it look like a small wind could topple her over.WE would ARGUE so bad sometimes and she would get so PO because I knew her and how to read her..and all I would do is laugh.The face NEVER lies.

[Coupedriver]

I havent had dreams of my ex,nothing that stands out but last night was the MOTHERLOAD of all dreams...so bad I WOKE up crying...!!! I could see her in my dream..you know the ones,there so real it seems to BE real.She is standing in front of me and we are in a different house...I cant make out the back ground.I can hear these VERY words.." I know,you were right and I am sorry and I love you.." WTH is that all about....? I cant even stand right now..my stomach is so tight right now...it is REALLY bothering me.