catharsis: Or How I should stop worrying and just move on...

[TheJiltedGeneration]

very relieved that I have found this page, I am kind of stuck in limbo at the moment in regards to a recent falling out with someone I deeply had feelings with, and even though the ramifications were really deep-seated at that point (especially with how my ex was so cloistered in her little world that stepping out of her invested schedule seemed illogical.. ) It’s difficult because I felt that when she was in the mood, we really clicked, (though it probably meant more to me than it did to her) then other times she would get very moody and dissimulated which really fed my feelings of inadequacy as if it was my fault for not providing anything and started to build up and up until this deluge of emotion just flushed out and kind of ****ed everything up.

 

We both kind of fed a lot of negativity in to the whole thing ( some of her really rude little outburst and me over analysing each implication of said outburst, as a lot of the time she never even realised she was doing it) . However seeing as she is rarely the one who wanted to reconcile or fix things, and I am so set on keeping together, its obvious that her love is really unrequited, and that she never really cared about me in the first place ( which I will elaborated on later). It’s my fault I got so obsessed ( albeit she did give ALOT of mixed messages, which even my friends said were very.....”out of place”...) which to be honest when looking back on it I think she kind of got off on that ( she even told me that the only thing she liked about me was how interested I was in her..)

So yea rather than keeping the hair of the dog that bit me, its obvious that I need to move on.. but at the moment it’s hard to become independent again when so much emotional investment went into being with her, to the point that any other option of perhaps being alone or doing anything else with my time feels like a hollow compromise, as if she’s my raison d’etre ( which is a VERY bad way to feel) and adjustment without her just feels like wasted exercise.

At the moment I am gripped with anhedonia (basically don’t enjoy doing anything anymore, in fact most of the time now I just stare into space, which is bad as I have my deadlines in uni coming up) and therefore can rarely do anything outside of wistfully longing for her to come back, even though I know for definite she will NEVER try to reconcile (primarily because when we ever fell out and got back again, it was always me who buckled to apologise and make up). The best way to describe it is that My emotions are so set in the past that it cannot catch up with my logic that has moved on months ago.. and that’s my problem ( be nice if you could switch off said emotions).

I’ve decided to unload everything that transpired onto this page, as I’ve kind of leaned on the shoulder of a really good friend (she’s really tolerant of my little episodes however its really unfair for her to have to accommodate my turgid bag of distraught dilemmas, so if you guys don’t mind I would like to write about it here..)

 

I’ve been feeling like this for the extensive period of two years, being on and off with her with like spaces of 2-4 months a time for trying to move on.( suffice to say We’ve been through alot through those years, on and off with this girl I love, and even though her interest fluctuated from buoyancy to just plain irritation towards me, eventually the conclusion was always the same... she would rather be alone and just draw or create stories. ) which makes it more obvious that she’s too high maintenance for me to be with and its unfair for me to work so hard to be with this woman, because my feelings have never been part of the equation... and yet emotionally I don’t seem to realise this...

 

 

I really don’t want these feelings to turn me into a basket case so .. yea I don’t expect any concrete or fool-proof advice as a situation like this in any given relationship is open to interpretation, so I just want to use this as a bit of a catharsis and maybe finding tips to preoccupy myself with liking me for who I am and keeping buzy ( as coursework demands need my undivided attention right now before its too late). I want to find a way to feel that moving on is a good and enthralling thing to do and not feel like the break up pretty much the nub of live and the only thing worth living for in a way that I feel something positive in which progress will come to fruition once I prioritize. To be honest all I‘ve been doing recently is looking back in retrospect on what I could have and should have done, but really I don’t think anything would have solved it... as well as two separate instances where I nearly committed myself to doing things to myself which now I look back on, I am glad I didn’t go through/ was intervened at the right time.

 

I can’t say I quite “accept that she doesn’t love me or that it would have never worked out” but I know for a fact that she has no interest in me whatsoever and to be honest I really want to move on. I need to find a reason to be independent, in practice and in efficacy, and makes me feel emotionally at ease. *sigh* for those who have read this far, I thank you for your patience but there’s more to it than just what I have wrote, and since its hard for me to translate how I feel online I think it would be best to explain the ineffable by elaborating on what happened in the course of 2 years. I am going to post it separately as a means for readers to digest what I have said in this post, so they won’t feel that read it as tasking as reading a flood of words in one encompassing post. I've written all of what I remember that took place in about 3 hours so please forgive me if there are reoccurring mistakes, as well as missing out a few things, I might edit it over the weekend so it makes more sense but right now I am feeling anxious and just need something to vent my frustrations so here goes...

[TheJiltedGeneration]

It all started in university in September 2009, and met this girl during the induction day, waiting in line for our photos to be taken for registration. it wasn’t quite love at first sight but see had this ..Uniqueness of character that piqued my interest intensely, just the way she held herself together seemed to be at a parallax with everything else around me. Yes her hair was frizzy and unruly, and her clothes were quite atypical especially with Reebok clad trainers ( and yes she was wearing combats in a similar fashion to mine) but it kind of told me that her “Priorities” laid elsewhere and common positive discernment from others was not a facet in her life’s ethos , so I thought I might at least see what made her strike a chord with me....

To be frank this was kind of the first encounter with a female in which I would approach them directly and conduct a conversation ( I am generally quite a reserved kind of guy) but then I thought “**** it I kind of like this girl, she seems interesting somehow and I need to find how why I am so captivated otherwise it’s going to bug me for the remainder of the course..... Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth as they say”. As it seemed we were both in a similar fix waiting for ages in this I tried to liven up the tedium of waiting in line for our registration photos with some playful banter. Much to my surprise this went better than I would have hoped, and it turned out she was quite in-tune with what I was talking about (we both really liked Terry Pratchett) and after the shoot, she wanted to hang out some more and decided to show me around the local area and as well as some pretty cool game shops that were totally under my radar.

we talked and talked seemed to really hit it off.. Rarely did I feel very comfortable around someone and she really seemed to enjoy my company. We seemed to have a passion and extensive knowledge for similar tv shows and computer games, as well as themes/motifs, troupes, cliques, that follow said shows and computer games. we both lit up when we both knew what a “macguffin” was in a series, as well as a few memes online ( she corrected me on how to pronounce Meme as “mayem” when I said “may may”, but also added that she used to make the same mistake) , online reviewers I liked and games and films we both had our separate interest in. She also introduced me to a site known as Tv Troupes, which to this day I follow quite religiously (well would if I wasn’t so preoccupied with her absence..) . The conversations that freely flowed from our personal private predilections was so esoteric that that the parallels in our passions and sense of equal cherishment for such rare and underrated pieces of media really took me back. I really had to know more about this girl and what made her tick. So once the day ended we then decided that after today we would reschedule a meet up after next week after induction week ended ( if my mind serves me right) . we found through the week that we had similar classes as each other, which to my surprise she seemed really enthusiastic about ( to the point that she pointed out very openly in one of our lessons that we were friends, which still seems very awry considering how she acted towards me in the later reams of our company... ) From further discussions we discovered we both had a penchant for Beast Wars , parodies of certain shows ( yu-gi-oh Abridged springs to mind) , Trigun, Hellsing (even chuckled over our fondness of a somewhat cheesy flick.. Labyrinth) and so on. This went on for about two months, in which each day she “seemed” to meet me or wait before each class ( her meaning or reasoning is very..... vague in ways you will realise further on to this..) so we could talk some more, with occasional shopping trips and intersperse d meet ups that eventually ( for me at least) fortified a fondness into a enthrallment and then finally into ....well into love.

This is where the problems started to manifest, which from her, the intrigue built up more and more until kind of reached a sort of crescendo of equal interest from both parties then gradually went into decline ( however my enthrallment was continuous even when her was wane).

 

It was about this time that I decided it was time to be honest with her and see if she reciprocated. I couldn’t quite tell her at first how I felt and she noticed I seemed occupied by something, so therefore decided to tell her (via txt) that it wasn’t her however there was something I wanted to ask, and was not sure if she was on the same wavelength, and was nervous to ask as “sods law in these sort of affairs seems to dictate the outcome of these things”. I never told a girl directly how I felt before so to me it felt like it would take some time. The next day I decided to approach her ( just before one of my separate lectures) and ask her earnestly if she knew what I meant, she smiled rather meekly and said “yes”, which made my heart skip a beat, however she had to leave quickly to get her train ( and I had my lecture) so therefore it would have to wait... this was when the problems arised.. but all very incrementally..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I invited her for a meal on my birthday for me and her alone ( and was hoping this would be the appropriate time to tell how how I felt .. but well her attitude seem to segway that moment) in which we agreed to meet in gourmet Burger for a bit to eat. We met by the train station and the first problem arose from the fact that when I related the whole day to hopefully being a good birthday ( or something to that effect) she stopped dead in her tracks and said “ oh I nearly forgot that today was your birthday”. That seemed abit weird considering I emailed her to say beforehand that the meal was a birthday thing. We agreed beforehand that we would go shopping first so she could get a Ratchet and Clank guidebook ( for the artwork primarily ) and then move on to the restaurant.

 

 

 

 

 

When we reached the restaurant, we were told we had to wait abit before we were served, however was ushered to a little seating area beside the main desk while we waited for our reservation. When it was time, we were directed to the front desk to place our orders however due to a technical error with the till, we had to wait slightly (only a minute) . This is the point where she got really pissed off, and said under her breathe “For ****s sake” which I tried to reassure that these things happen all the time and not to worry about it (this is all relevant, believe it or not, trust me) and then once they were ready we both placed our orders, paid and then were directed to our table. This was where things started to go wrong ( or from my memory at least, I tried to casually talk to her while we waited,) but no matter what I said she seemed.... detached and disinterested, while she was popping the bubbles of her 7 UP bottle with her straw, with the occasional “yep yep yep” and irritated nod to emphasise her disinterest. When the food finally came we ate up ( she finished before me) and when I had just finished she then seemed to rush quickly out of her seat, powering through the door at a velocity that matched urgent intent... I trundled cumbersomely behind her trying to catch up with her weird spurt of energy and asked what she wanted to do next. She instantly replied she wanted to go shopping. I agreed, and we went shopping some more, until she came across what she wanted to buy ( think it was spawn the comic book or something like that) and I offered her to perhaps get a drink or chill out in a cafe in which she abruptly interjected that she really just wanted to go home (now I am 100% sure I didn’t do anything to upset her or anything as was about to propose my feelings however she didn’t even give me a chance to do that, what with her rather irritable mood. ). We head for the train station and asked her if everything was ok which she asserted “yep all fine” rather perkily, which I seemed confused about as a few moments earlier everything didn’t seem fine at all. her rather sudden transitions in mood kind of phased me somewhat, and I really got upset ( my bad in fairness) as it seemed to me she didnt seem that occupied at all today by the fact that it was my birthday or that I was hoping we would spend some time together today. So I said I had to be alone and left her after the train station to go get myself a drink.....

The Following week , we meet for class, in which she, with strangely rather buoyant energy, approached me said she was sorry for the whole event and that it was because she was moody ( the only time I recall her saying she was sorry) and the day went on as normal no harm no foul. At first I thought she was irritated that I wasn’t being frank with her about my emotions, so the next lesson I decided to pluck up the courage and tell her I loved her. Note this is the first time I’ve ever told a girl I loved her so it was really hard to fully engage my feelings...

 

We met privately in a hallway isolated from our class and I told her what I meant by the text, and with some jest at how “Hollywood” these sort of moments seem, told her frankly that I was in love with her, as well as explaining that this is very new to me as I have never directly told a girl I love her and asked if she loved me back.. Her response was first a rather simpering, yet cute little giggle, and with a slight pause in which a nod followed uttered “YES”. Now be being a ****ing idiot, I “didn’t make the move right there and then” however asked if she wanted to skip the lesson and just hang out. She refused outright and said “ I don’t want to miss a lesson really”, so therefore we went to lesson ( in which we watched a really crappy 60s song that somehow related to our poetry lesson, that kind of grated the whole session) in which she just sat still, like in comatose, with our even steering a her line of sight slightly, to me who was looking at her. I felt it might be because I “missed the moment” as it were, so I hugged her telling her I wasn’t offered that we perhaps hang out right after the lesson, so I might be able to rectify the whole thing and maybe find a chance to make the move, maybe have a chat, and she interrupted “you I don’t feel anything.. I really think you’re not going to find out how I feel right now, so lets just stay friends for now... give me like.. 5-6 months “ in which I agreed and we went our separate ways . At that moment I felt like a right prick, as if my actions attested that I wasn’t interested in her all the way ( however really I was). So when we both home I emailed her and said as friends if we wanted to hang out over Christmas holidays. It took nearly 2 weeks to get a response, where I then proceeded to ask if everything was ok, which I got a response of a potential movie outing to see the then just released movie of Avatar. However she wanted to go see the movie with her brother ( so pulling the stops on any possible one to ones about what happened).

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I met them both outside the train station, and surprisingly her brother was like ULTRA nice. Really I thought he would have known what transpired and keep me at arms length ( or be protective of his sister) but actually he was very talkative and affable kind of guy and really engaged in the topics raised in our little discussion ( she had said previously that her brother liked a few things I liked so bringing up those interests really broke the ice) however the same can’t be said about herself. I tried to talk to her also , include her in any conversations , in fact tried to start a interaction proceeding before any interactions with her brother. However she just responded with quick sharp one word responses, then kind of phased me out entirely, even ignoring any direct questions or ques that intended to include her in the conversation. My first observation was that she was trying her best to avoid me, (probably cause of what transpired a week ago) but I donno, it’s weird to explain how she was, but I guess the way she acted it was almost like I genuinely not there. You can usually tell by a person’s exaggerations that they “trying” to avoid you.. but her composure.... it was almost like I didn’t exist, , her straightened posture, and body language suggested she was very comfortable. She would like conduct conversations directing her responses to her brother but never actually turning to face me or directing them at me. It was a weird, mechanical kind of camaraderie where I was to the left of her brother and she was at his right. When I spoke he responded to me, but then when it lead to her vocalisations, she would turn to respond to her brother only and they would talk as if I was kind of a voice in her brother’s head ( convoluted explanation I know but.. if you where there you would know what it was like ). Basically they would talk about one thing and then her brother would discursively tilt towards me and conduct a separate conversation with me but this time as if she wasn’t there ( it was really ****ING awkward, and I felt as if I’d had really hurt her, which had me very worried).

During the film, I noticed she was crying around the part where the marines where taking the homeland of the Na-vi, she was attempting to veil her tears with her hands, and once we back in the main hallway I asked her if she was all right. Her response was just (literally) a onomatopoeic “PPFFFFFFFFFFTTTTT” in which her brother said “ its best not to ask her how she feels, she gets really defensive when you do, she’s always like that”. ( or something to that effect). I took heed of this and agreed that I could be like this with my parents sometimes, especially when it feels like they are patronizing me. After the whole event, we took a train to go visit a comic book store just on the outskirt of the city, and well she sat right next to her brother, and I sat infront of them, and they talked amounst themselves ( *shrugs* ) .. we arrived at the comic book store where we went off to in different directions that denoted our separate interests of fiction on different shelves. Then something really weird happened. When she walked up right behind me to reach the box of comics in front of me, ( we were kind of in a narrow walkway partitioned by these boxes of trade paperbacks) and I excused myself to walk pass and she kind of also responded with a gesture similar to “excusing herself” but *sigh* how can I explain it..... It was like a courtesy that would be directed to someone you don’t know. *sigh* I cant explain it and just that one sentence I bet your all thinking ( huh?) but trust me , she was set on looking for her comics yes, but ...*sigh* the way she responded was like a complete clash to her previous demeanour, as if she wasn’t avoiding me back then just like she didnt know me before hand and I was her brother’s friend not the other way around... ( if that makes sence).

Anyway I went out of the store to wait for them to get some fresh air and make sence about what just happened.. then we reverted back to the orginal set up of me to her brother’s left, herself to his right, we arrived at the train station, her brother shakes my hand saying it was nice to meet me ( she didn’t say anything to me , not even goodbye) and after I said goodbye we went our separate ways. During Christmas we didnt talk at all. I tried to email her asking how she was, where she only responded to my “merry Christmas” wish ( or w/e) with a belated one, and even when I tried to ask her what she got or how it went.. no responce..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

(Ok now Refresh everyone who just had the patience to read that... to most of you it would just seem that yea I didn’t kiss her when I should have and her reaction was relatable to just being livid of my hesitation... but trust me there is more to this than just what happened in the previous paragraphs and while this started the decline, it gets much much worse.. and strangely even more perplexing of her character... )

 

 

 

 

Fast-forward to January 2010 back to after Christmas time , we didnt talk at all (safe for the “merry Christmas” thing) and I got worried a little. After the time passed, I got a little drunk and well “emailed her” saying how I missed her and stuff( though nothing offensive. No response. When we met again before poetry class, I told her sorry if I was effusive I was drunk when I sent that email. She smiled and said it was fine. I asked if she wanted to hang out and she said again abruptly said... “sure do what you want” which struck as a bit weird.. then again things started to get worse. Now each lesson, she never waited before class, rather she would catch the last train from home and arrive to lesson usually a minute before or 5 minutes after class, and then the fluctuations came to pass.

 

What I mean about fluctuations was some days she would sort of talk to me and other says she would completely ignore me. Even if I said hi she would just say hi and block me out, or turn quickly to another person to talk to. Once I said hi to her, paused for a second then she responded with a rasp in her tone “so you going to ask me how I’ve been or what?” as if irritated by this. I was really befuddled by why she would act like this, as if I did something wrong, I kept thinking about that moment where I could have kissed her but she firmly established she didn’t want to be close to me in any other capacity other than friends. And eventually felt as if I was doing something wrong.

 

Eventually I went to the advice of another friend who was also in class with her and me, and while she is really good with giving advice, she honestly didnt know what to say, as to quote her own words without referring to names directly “she is very hard to read”.

 

I can’t remember what happened exactly next but eventually I talked to her ( referring to the girl I loved now) just before a IT tutorial thing ( don’t ask) and she asked if I wanted to go to town with me to look up stuff. I agreed and we went after lectures. Then things really took a turn for the worst. I didnt state this but she doesnt really know her way around the town ( sorry I can’t refer to place names or names directly.. ..dont ask kind of want to keep myself incognito.. sort of..) and therefore asked if I could direct her to certain game shops and stuff in the vicinity. I did so and while doing so suggested a route we should take. When we walked around, I tried to talk to her, ( I wish I was exaggerating) but when I directed a certain store and she saw it.. she would just kind of march to the store without conducting any conversation with me ( or just abruptly answering single word answers that kind of precluded any questions branching out from each other) and just blank me out otherwise only asking “wheres the next store” or “ could you look out for these games for me”....

 

after 3 to 4 different stores It then kind of hit me.. she only really wanted me to kind of “guide her “around town to get a certain game and not to hang out with me.. just by the way she seemed to keep that one track mind... I got really REALLY pissed off at this..( note a event with another friend also amplified this anger) and after the 5-6 store just said “look this isn’t working out... I think I just want to go home now” she said fine and I left her after as she was leaving for her train station..

 

then I decided that she was just ****ing with me, knowing that I gave her attention and using it for her own ends ( is wasn’t a isolated incident but well.. my memory is abit hazy) so I started ignoring her like she ignored me. What was weird was even after what I said, she would still sit next to me ( not even talking sometimes) . Eventually all of what happened then caught up with me, and after some pensive self reflection, decided maybe I took it the wrong way and I decided to apologise on facebook, telling her it wasn’t all her and that maybe it was ok to just completely forget about what happened in regards to relationship and just focus on being friends and then if anything blooms from that friendship we let it take its course.

 

She agreed, but that didnt really change much. We would talk once in a while but most of the time she would just keep her head down and just draw ( she likes to draw), and well I didnt really know how to take it.. and how she kept keeping me at arms length. Then I kind of got very obsessed about her, and tried to email like once a week to go and do stuff, but no response at any time. There was also one time where just after a class she would outloud look at her watch and say “she had time left to wait for her train” ( which implied to me she wanted me to stay a while and chat to her) so I thought, hey why not keep her company and chat for awhile. However while I did so, she just seemed so irritated and did the whole “ yea yea , k , whatever” kind of thing that she did at my birthday.. talk about mixed messages..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

After about a month It felt like she was ignoring me and only associating with me in class because I was the only person to talk to I felt really hurt but this.. but then I did say that we should just be friends and well to be honest it was obvious that i still loved her ( so maybe thats why she was ignoring me) so then I decided you know what just end it.. and told her that we should probably stop seeing each other. ( again no responce)

 

The rest again is very hazy, but we meet again passing by each other in the refectory of the university ( before a session where we had to pick our options for next year) and we start talking again. We decided to be friends again however I did ask her why she was so distant to me and why she never seemed to answer my emails or kind of ignore me in class. She said she was concentrating on drawing some of her characters in a story she was writing ( or something to that effect) and that it was her priority over anything else,( which is why she was... well they way she was) . it felt abit too convenient to me, but if that how she feels then I am not going to press ...

 

at that point I remembered that i had to meet up with a friend before the session with our options and told her this and said I had to go see her beforehand, and even said that if she wanted she could come with... well.. she just shrugged and went “pfft” and just went off... Now when she did this I thought because of her exaggeration there must be something behind it ( my other friend was a girl so maybe she though I was starting to flirt with me) . so yea I was realy weirded out by that and emailed her asking if there was any reason behind it.

She responded no and that sometimes she does things without realising how it effects others ( or something to that effect) what she really meant when she said pfft was “what ever goes” or something like that..

 

So yea eventually its the end of the first term, I told her if she wants to hang out over summer just email in which she nodded, and went our separate ways. She never responded except for once when she saw I was online but afk, and said hi, but had logged off when I responded. I asked what shes been up too.. no response.. so then yea I figured... well if she wants to respond she will respond in her own time.. nothing..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

so then fast-forward.. second term, I move in a student accomidation with a friend ( closer to university) . she still hadn’t responded to me, and had even made a new friend to talk to when we were in class, so I figured she had moved on... but I had not.... I tried my best too mind. I had two separate relationships that lasted a week, however I ended because ... well they didnt work out, and had known why .. because I was still madly in love with her ( the girl I met in induction from last year I mean..)

 

so I talk to my friend ( now housemate, and also the only person I really talked to about her) about whether I should move on or maybe tell her how I still feel. My friend then tells me that I should talk to her to get some clarity.. and maybe see how she feels after all this... so I talk to her on her own and told her everything that transpired including the two relationships I had , but just couldn’t commit to because I had her on my mind, and that I really still love her. She said yes she did, and we finally kissed. I asked her if she wanted to come to mind instead of go to her lesson ( by the way if any1 is confused.. basically we do the same course with a few similar modules, but a few modules different so sometimes we have similar classes, and sometimes we don’t) but she said “umm can I think about this.. maybe after class...” again which was weird.. but ok she’s committed to her course fine... I waited till after class to see her again, which strangely ( I am not making this up) she seemed quite enthusiastic to see me) . We kiss again and then I ask if she wants to come over mine, she levels with me by saying “ look I know this sounds weird but I am currently.. on.. so maybe tomorrow.. ?” which then makes alot of sence to why she wanted to go to class and not rush things so we agree to hang tomorrow in my student accomidation.

 

And you know what we have a amazing time.... we watch a few dvds ( beast wars mainly) play tombi, and then talk for hours and hours.. she seemed to really enjoy it and she surprisingly opens up to me about herself which she would never do before. We talk till like 9pm in which our conversation gets interrupted with her dad calling, asking where she is, and she decides it time to go home. I take her to the train station about to wish her goodbye ( she seemed irritated when I wait for her at the train station last time so didnt want to seem like I was clingy)

 

and then she says “could you stay untill my train arrives?”. I was really surprised at this and told her that I originally thought u didnt like me hanging around you by train station as you got quite moody last time (thought it was because I was clingy) but she then says “nah I just get moody sometimes”.

So we do this for another week or two, meeting up at the end of the week ( as we had coursework coming up) .

 

But then she starts to get .. you guessed it.. really REALLY distant and seemingly irritated ( to the point she delayed our meet up till the week after). Then after the following week we meet up, and she seems really irritated I ask why and she says “well I just feel like drawing today so I brought my pad, we can still talk though” which I was ok with I guess.. while we walk up to my house I try to ask her a question ... which she couldn’t quite here, however she got very angry with this and just sharply responded “ COULD YOU PLEASE SPEAK UP I CAN NOT HEAR YOU!!!!” which really surprised me and I didnt know what to feel after that. I kind of got very nervous when we went into the house with her, and while we did talk she only talked sparingly while she worked. Ok I thought I kind of need some clarity, she’s been like this for the past two years she talks to me with elation some days then just hand-waves me other days.

 

While at home she says things like “ I don’t really like kissing” and “that I don’t really like hugging you..” which was weird since she seemed to like kissing me when I first kissed her...( though could have just been me) we talked about if she liked hanging out with me and she said “ I just like to write my own stories and draw”.

 

This kind of worried me.. so I decided to ask a few kind of pressing questions.. like do you still like me, do you still want to see me and what do you like about me... she doesn’t answer the former two but the later she responds with one answer “ I really like how you seem so interested in me”. That really ****ING hurt me ALOT as if saying that she couldn’t think of anything else and I kind of fell silent until she said that she needed to go home now, so I took her to the train station . She then said to me “ This doesn’t feel real” which just seemed to add insult to injury.

 

Then this was then when I said the worst thing I could have said. A few days ago I talked to the suitation over with my mother when I went to see her, ( she’s a social worker ) and she suggested that it sounded like she was autistic ( yep you can see where this is going). She told me that from what I said about her it seems to fit; she never really goes out, she doesn’t really have many friends, she mi ght not like your contact with her, sometimes she ignores you when really she’s probably preoccupied with something else, and that all she does is restricted to a routine.. that she feels she must adhere to...

 

So wind forward back to taking her to the train station , I don’t know why I said it, but it kind of chipped away at me and I just said “ look you seem really fixated with just drawing and writing, you rarely respond to me ( or anyone else for that matter) unless it doesn’t clash with your drawing or work and you just have these weird outbursts.. and sometimes you just don’t seem to understand when you do hurtful things or apologise for them..I maybe you might be autistic. She then responded “well the only reason why I was in the relationship was because you were so enthusiastic” and well she embarked on the train, while we both brooded in silence...

 

Yea it was pretty insensitive when I said that I was feeling alot of conflicting emotions when I said it, and even if it was true, it was still wrong for me to pigeonhole her like that. We don’t talk for three weeks after that. Until finally I decided that it would be best just to apologise and stay friends for now as she aint going to change, and she just so invested in her current lifestyle that it just seems wasted...

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I take her to one side before a class, and tell her I’m sorry and that it was wrong for me to suggest she was autistic.. she responded “ oh don’t worry I think we were just growing apart anyway” and I suggest we just stay friends. We stay friends however when we enter our class, we start talking to my friend ( the housemate) about miscellaneous stuff. My ex then points out that she is confused to why her pukka pad has different colours for certain pages, on the end of each page. I suggest that it might be so that it acts as a partition for writing different subjects on different pages, but she can’t hear what I am saying. Without even asking me to repeat myself she just turns to my housemate and says “do you know what he said” as if I couldn’t answer myself. Again that really hits the spot...

 

So then we go back to her ignoring me when it suits her to do her drawings and blah blah blah blah you know the rest by now. So I think **** IT I cant deal with her acting this callous towards me, I am just going to miss these last few lessons she’s in and move on , as I can’t be in the same room as her. Strangely I thought she had moved on and didnt want me know me anymore, but then when I truanted one lesson me, her and my roommate were supposed to be, my roommate came back and told me “ don’t know if you want to hear this but your ex was asking about you”.. messages started to get mixed yet again...

 

 

Then it’s the end of our second term and well.... we have a massive argument over the net. We haven’t talked since..

 

So yea now I am at this stage trying to move on but well I still kind of love her, yet the whole “ I like how your interested in me “ just seems to linger in my mind and tells me that she was only interested in me for the attention nothing more. Sorry if this seems ham-fisted in content but i had to just flush all my emotions out ( a few things I’ve forgot to mention due to bad memory and days just meshing into one so yea doesnt help). I am sorry if this is way to much to digest for people ( 7 posts long wow...) and i might try to edit it slightly to make more sence and add things I didnt add before but yea, basically I needed to get this out of the way.

 

any help will be really appreciated as I just cant move on from her, sure we had alot of fall outs but we also had alot of moments where I felt really close to her ( what hurts is that it doesnt seem to effect her none at all, and she still has not responded..) so yea thanks for your time, I am gonna go take a break quick and get a drink of tea for half an hour and come back see what u guys have to say ( some of this is my fault especially the whole autism thing, which I should elaborate on why I reached that conclusion but to be honest even if it's true, it was wrong for me to attach a label on her, its just that no seemed to be aware of some of her behavior...

[immitable]

long thread can you summarize in bullet points please

[TheJiltedGeneration]

yea sorry just had a plethora of emotions bloated up that I had to just throw them all on the page, yea guys give me like 10-20mins I'll give u guys a precis asap, just need to cool down for a sec as I've wrote this none stop in Microsoft word for 3-hours straight..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

ok from memory ( might even include a few things I forgot)

 

basically I met a girl during the start of my course. we really hit it off, expressing a affinity for computer games, movies, tv shows, books, as well as idioms, themes/motiefs, and troupes that follow ( stuff such as both like Terry Pratchett, Beast wars, ect). and really enjoy each others company... after the induction process of the day, she asks if I want to go shopping with her in a game shop, and I agree. we really hit it off and agree to see eachother again to watch a movie ( 9 I think it was)

 

She is Highly intelligent ( which makes me wonder why she is in such a low class kind of university when she could easily go a better one), but also something of a recluse ( similar to my situation which is why we hit it off so well.., however even more isolated surprisingly enough) bilingual in fluent german, and is also a exceptional artist.

 

during our first year she at first really seemed eager to hang out with me, even waiting before each class to chat with me for a few minutes (or so it seemed) and after several meet ups in and out of uni for about 2 months we grow really really close, to a point where I feel really in love with her

 

I txt to say that I feel there might be more to our relationship than just friends and when I saw her the following day, I asked her about the txt, and said she understood what I meant.

 

Then the following week I invite her to a meal for my Birthday, and well she gets quite distant. ( she even told me she "nearly forgot it was my birthday") when we arrive at the restaurant we are told to wait to be served at the till and she get very pissed off even uttering for "**** sake" under her voice. When we get our table and paid for meal, she seems really bored and irritating poping the bubbles of her 7 UP with a straw. I try to ameliorate this however she just replied with crisp even shorter than succinct responses like " yep ok fine " as if she is irritated by something. we then get our meals, she eats it up in a hurry and then makes for the door just as I finish my meal. I try to catch up and then when I do she says she wants to go get a comic book ( spawn I believe) we go get it and then I offer her to come and hang out some more but then she just says I think I just want to go home ( probably so she can read the comic book alone) . I get annoyed as she's been rather rude all day and said I need to be alone..

 

 

more to follow I got a headache..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

.. so next lesson we meet up, she comes to me and apologizes for the meal as she was in a bad mood.. ( which I at first attributed to me not telling her how I felt straight away but turned out it was to do with, the meal taking too long + she had to reach the shops before they shut so she could get spawn.. or something like that)

 

then after everything is cleared up, I decided to tell her the following day I love her. she responds with slight simpering smile giggling at first but then says yes. I offer her to miss class with me and just hang out, but she says she wants to attend the class. while there she becomes silent then when we leave she says she doesn't feel anything.. and that I should ask her in 5 to 6 months (specifically) I offer for a meet up via email again like we used to , but she didnt respond, not even with a no.

 

then just before christmas she offers me to come to see avatar with her and her brother. I accept. we meet up, and while her brother is very accommodating and polite, she completely ignores me. strange thing is she doesn't seem to purposely ignore me, its just like I'm not there and she's "preoccupied" with thing else. after we see the film she cries because of something that upset her. I ask if she's ok and she just responds "PFFFT" with a shrug. her brother tells me "she's like that sometimes and its just best to leave her be". we go to a comic book store then leave going our seperate ways. I email her a few days later to see if she wants to hang out over christmas .. no response. I wish her merry christmas, she replies, I then respond asking what she got .. no response.. (although I assume she's buzy with family.. so fair enough).

 

 

fast forward the start of the next term for our first year of uni, I meet up with her again and try to see if she wants to hang out again and just responds abruptly "sure whatever, do what you want" which was abit weird.

 

the following week things started to get worse as she would seem to distance herself from me, just fixating herself with her drawings and rarely if at anytime talk to me, as well as arriving with a later bus for each lesson. one lesson I try to talk to her I said hi and then she abruptly responds "hi... so you just gonna ask me how I am or what?" which really shocks me somewhat. ( I thought at first it was because I didnt kiss her last year when I should have, but apparently when I talked to her recently before our break up it was just "a mood") I felt like I was doing something wrong so enlisted the advice of a friend who had been in the same class as her and seemed to be friendly with her also but when she talked to her she had no clue why she was in the mood she was in, and just .. "wanted to keep drawing". my friend then concluded " I wish I could give advice but shes exceedingly hard to read, even for me".

 

I bump into her during a It tutorial and she asks if I wants to go down to town with her to go shopping. I agree. we go to town, but again she's silent, almost captivated by something else and only talks to me about two things: 1) where all the good games shops are located and 2) if I could tell her if I find any mega man games while looking. Then after a few stores it hits me that she only wanted me to come with her to guide her around town ( as she doesnt know the way very well without either myself or her brother around) and after the 6th store as we are heading to the station I get very angry with her continually ignoring me like this.. and just say " look this isnt working out I think I just want to go home.. and we head our seperate ways..

 

urggh need a break one sec will continue the precis in a sec..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

ok back.. last post I hope

 

so basically the way she's been treating me with the ignoring, and the whole using me to navigate around town, I kind of feel like shes just toying with me so I start ignoring her like she ignored me. what weird though is that she would still sit with me even when I wouldnt talk to her. eventually I apologized for ignoring her and for what happened with our last shopping session, and that we should just be friend for now.. she agreed, but continually she would only talk to me when convenient and when she was not drawing. after one class she said out loud ( not sure if directed at me ) that she had a long wait for one of her trains. I said I would wait with her, but when I did she seemed really irritable for some reason and seemed dismissive.. which gave me mixed messages..

 

I felt she was ****ing with me, and just said we should probably not see each other again.. ( no response to this). Then we make up in the refectory in university a few days later, I tell her I have to go see a friend real quick and offer her to come to if she likes, but she just shrugs and says "PFFFT" again..

I asked her then later via email why she did that ( thinking she might have though there was something between my friend and me when there wasn't) , and she said "oh I didnt mean anything by it, sometimes I just say and do things that people take the wrong way, I dont realise what I am doing sometimes ( this seemed kind of weird.

 

I try emailing her after first term, no responce, ( practically I responded to a instant message from her but she didnt respond back) so then second year starts, I try to move on as she doesnt seem to try and contact me anymore, some how miraculously end up in two different relationships, however they dont last as I still have feelings for the girl I loved previously. I get advice from friend tell her how I feel, and she advices for me to tell the girl how I felt. I tell her and we kiss, ask her to come home with me (in student accommodation now) she says she cant she's kind of on right now ( period) and she will see me tomorrow. we meet up next day, best day ever, she opens up alot and even stays later than intended ( father rings). she even asks me to stay and chat while her train arrives. I thought she didnt like me hanging around her like this cause of how she acted last time but she then says “nah I just get moody sometimes”.

 

So we do this for another week or two meeting up at the end of each week(cause of coursework) , But then she starts to get distant and seemingly irritated. Then after the following week we meet up, and she seems really irritated I ask why and she says “well I just feel like drawing today so I brought my pad, we can still talk though”. while we walk up to my house I try to ask her a question ... which she couldn’t quite here, however she got very angry with this and just sharply responded “ COULD YOU PLEASE SPEAK UP I CAN NOT HEAR YOU!!!!” which really surprised me and I didnt know what to feel after that. Ok I thought I kind of need some clarity, she’s been like this for the past two years she talks to me with elation some days then just hand-waves me other days. ( asked if there were problems and home, are you ok with us like this, ect)

While at home she says things like “ I don’t really like kissing” and “that I don’t really like hugging you..” we talked about if she liked hanging out with me and she said “ I just like to write my own stories and draw.. and really just want to do that most of the time.. rather than hang out with people.. it's kind of selfish but I like being selfish"..

 

This kind of worried me.. so I decided to ask like do you still like me, do you still want to see me and what do you like about me... she doesn’t answer the former three but the later she responds with one answer “ I really like how you seem so interested in me”. which hurt me ALOT as if saying that she couldn’t think of anything else and I kind of fell silent until she said that she needed to go home now, so I took her to the train station . She then said to me “ This doesn’t feel real” which just seemed to add insult to injury. she then says that "the only reason I was in a relationship with you was because you seemed so enthusiastic ". because of her behavior I got upset but a converstion with my mother a few days back sliped and I suggested that she might be autistic.. train comes, nothing is said.

 

 

decide to think things over for a week then decide to appologise and just be friends. she says its all fine and that " we were just growing apart. we talk about Pukka pads with my friend and her in class, and when I comment, she just ignores me and asks friend what I am saying without asking me to repeat myself, as if I couldnt answer for myself. this really hurts..

 

so yea we get into a online argument and she says she never wants to speak to me again.. well here I am.. trying to move on .. sorry I couldn't bullet point if you want I can try and do so tomorrow just tired right now as its 1:11am and I donno I am just in a weird place atm. ( probably a combination of feeling depressed and tired.. )

[Surfer Girl]

You are a very good writer... but the bottom line is she has made it clear she does not want to be with you... You need to go NC and let her go... You are so predictable right now... give her unpredictable and let her see another side of you...

[TheJiltedGeneration]

yea, that definitely what I want to do right now ( NC = non contact right?), especially with all the effort and emotional strain she's put me under.. I kind of got obsessed and got to a point where the thought of living without her seems horrifying.. only problem is I think I am so used to fixated over her that its hard to adjust myself to a life without her. right now I just need to find methods to achieve this...

[Sugarkane]

To be honest I stopped at when you said the only thing she liked about you was you were interested in her. And that it was unrequited. That's a big red flag. You sound like an intelligent guy and you deserve better than this.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

Yea, I knew from the comment she said when we last met up... it’s pretty obvious she isn’t interested in me (when I first heard her response, I suppose it just wouldn’t register the implications behind those words) . Well onto greener pastures I suppose...but I think emotionally it will take a while (especially since its been a dependancy spanning across two years..)

 

Going to put this out in the open, but recently I’ve devised a timetable for myself that attempts to restrict any wayward thoughts of my ex and concentrate on spending time on my fiction pieces for my course. Basically I have but a tally chart up on my wall as well as my timetable ( which I have to adhere to) which forces me to record every time I have a though about my ex. I’ve tried to make a mantra for myself to try and combat these thoughts but that didn’t quite work out so well. (She’ll never respond, she’ll never remember, she’ll never care, she’ll never understand). Unfortunately the lack of my commitment was more than perfunctory, and I reverted back to enamorous Idyllic fancies. I kept looking at her deviant art page to see if she would update anything about us or show any indication on her comments on her to show she missed me, I kept checking my email to if any messages from her were in my inbox, and I kept reactivating/deactivating my facebook account to see if she would unblock/unhide her page. All of which showed nothing of the sort.... (in fact quite the direct opposite, she seemed really jubilant about her own art, the art of others, sometimes what she can’t wait to do.. ect.. yea it’s really bad of me to keep checking her page like this.. ). The my schedule all went to pot..

 

 

Like I said I still “feel” like a life without her is empty, vapid and desiccated. My anhedonia keeps fortifying itself because of her absence. So life just feels really prosaic and just plain.. Even new exciting shows, books, games just don’t seem to satiate my feelings but instead just feel like they are papering over the cracks.. it really sucks.. It’s evident that I haven’t quite accepted that yes she was NEVER interested in me, I know it to be true but each time I invent little scenarios where I imagine she will change and approach me this time, and realise how she has hurt me .. to the point that I am dependent on these unrealistic thoughts..

 

Anyone have any coping strategies for this?

[TheJiltedGeneration]

so yea bitting my nails at the moment to REFUSE MYSELF to look at a few of my ex's

( she uses pseudonyms adapted from the characters of a few of her stories...) I am just thinking to myself;

 

"mate while your not contacting her in anyway and just looking at public pages... it still kind of counts as stalking.. your better than this, she rarely has you in mind even when you two where in item or seeing each other, and your only banking on the idea that she will want to hang around you like she did when you two first met... She has unequivocally moved on, she's selfish, self-centric, cloistered to the point of detachment of the world, and she will never change because this way of life is too comfortable for her.. MOVE THE F*** on!!!" I haven't looked at her online social and art pages for comments since friday.. so need to work on extending this for a week.. I need ways to stop putting her on a pedestal and thinking she will remember our good times and come around (It obviously meant nothing to her..) any suggestions...?

[Sugarkane]

I know what you mean I wish grieving was linear. I wish you could just turn feelings off. It sucks no matter what. You should keep busy and stay in NC. It is far better than being strung along by Someone who doesn't feel the same. Lots of people break NC and they always seem to regret it. You should find someone who isn't selfish. Lots of other girls know what a macguffin is.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

lol I know, I was kind of using the "macguffin" anecdote just as a example as ways we clicked (probably a poor one) but yea from the way you said that, even though the intentions behind your words were good-natured, it kind of indicates how superficial my supposed "rapport" with was (I know it wasnt intended but it would speak for it self anyway, even if you didnt say it.. . It was over interests that I kind of thought by extension would reflect our own personal values as well. ( just the whole idea of bohemian living I guess) But by the way she kept a distance, and how rarely she would see how I was personally ( even at times when she could CLEARLY see I was distressed) and getting needlessly defensive when I tried to show concern for her, it's really obvious we were not compatible anyway.. I kind of fashioned her in my own mind as being dissimulated with expressing herself out of trust issues similar to what I had, and because she lead a life

 

of solitude similar to me because she felt out of touch with society just like I do.. really all that was just a fantasy of mine so I could cling on to her even more and delude myself that she was “the one”. In reality the only reason why she never related with others was because she saw it as a “distraction” from her art and stories, and an inconvenience and even with me, thought it would just be easier to ignore me or give me short responses to keep me at bay. She’s really underdeveloped emotionally, ( I haven’t quite elaborated the ways) , and never saw how I put so much effort to try and get her out of her shell. I tried to get into games she was into, watch shows she liked, and even movies, to try and relate to her and to see if she would open up more but she never but forth that effort with me and in the end just exploited the fact that she was lavished with attention..

She’s gets everything she wants via her parents who give her like £120 pocket money a week to get new games, comic books and the lot, so she rarely has to work hard for anything to really appreciate things ( beside her art obviously). This as kind of developed her into a very cold stoic person who really has no empathy for anything besides her own little world.

 

This was attested by how she rarely invested any time to me, and once she grew “bored of me” kind of kept me as arms length, as well as only hanging out with friends at her convenience ( I.E. going shopping for games, while in class, or even to guide her around town if she wasn’t familiar with the area.. but never beyond those capacities, ) . When we had time apart she was able to continue in her own little world, with verve and happiness, while I brooded away wondering why she was so distant. to behonest I think she never understood how her distancing effected my mentality and judgement, or to a great extent, ever care..

Hell she is so empathetically impaired that when I told and explained to her directly why I acted the way I acted, she would just say that I was the core reason for her unhappiness this past year, as if she was the one who suffered the most, and never really apologised for some of her foul little moods with me , even when I showed more than enough contrition for what I did....

 

We may have had similar living conditions and preferences, and a solitary lives styles, but for different reasons.... really I need to accept that really as people we were NOT compatible, as her reasons for detaching herself from others is way more different than mine...

[Sugarkane]

Thankyou for replying to my thread Jilted. Your ex sounds selfish and also fickle. Really not characteristics of someone you want to date [been there, done that]. I've learnt that just because someone is smart intellectually or talented, doesn't mean that they are any good with relationships. Also you can be smart, but still be a complete jerk.

 

I'm sure if she sees someone else, she will "grow bored" of them too.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

np Sugarkane, I've had similar encounters of partiality with so called friends, but not over a ex ( it was sort of over someone I was at odds with, though while so called "friends" didn't quite agree with what he did, they didnt quite help me out when I needed them most either) but yea her "Jerkness" I think is mainly to do with how sheltered she's been ( and also she's kind of underdeveloped in certain ways) but yea I'll vie to just move on =)

[davesterr]

I thought i wrote alot but u beat me by far lol.

Either way i did read all of your posts and i feel like i should now give u my opinion since theres no way i read all those pages and not gonna act on it lol.

 

I think you really love this girl because of whatever reason that makes u being attracted to her.

Whether it is the common interests hobies or talks or her looks whatever it may be.

 

You have alot of patience for this girl.

I mean seriously major kudos for waiting that long despite being treated like crap all along.

I mean not to be sounding mean but this girl is the most selfish girl i pretty much ever read about.

She doesn't care about how you feel , she uses u as her personal tour guide and she ignores u in your face and somehow still finds a way to blame you for it and make you seem like the bad guy.

In which all these times you even apologize to despite not doing anything wrong.

 

When i read your story i didn't think you would ever get to be with her.

But then i read that you kissed her i was like noway! he did it.

After all this time and all this persistant you finally got to make out with her.

Im really proud of you i can honestly tell you that.

However after reading everything that you said , it just feels to me like this girl just isn't really in to you.

 

I dont know whether she dates or likes other guys.

Maybe shes a-sexual and only cares about her drawings and no one else.

But what i do know is that she doesn't care about you.

She openly admitted to you that the only reason she kissed you was because u tried so hard.

That means that she never loved you to begin with.

Im really sorry to say this but it is the hard cold truth you have to realise.

 

See it as a guy buying girlscout cookies even though hes not really hungry.

Yet he buys them anyway because the girls are working hard to sell them and its for a good cause.

Maybe she wanted to reward you because u were always enthousiastic about her and trying to make her happy and she just felt like rewarding you even though she doesn't really care.

 

I know this doesn't make you feel better and believe me by what i read im sure u are a real good person so this is the last thing i would want to tell u.

However you are here for advice and advice means hearing the truth.

 

To summon it all down into perspectives:

It seems that this girl is not and has not been in to you.

She may have kissed you but not because she desired you.

She just doesn't love you.

And as much as this hurts it is just something you cannot change.

See you did so many nice things for her and you're really a good guy.

Sure you may have annoyed her sometimes by keep asking her if shes ok.

Girls dont wanna hear that.

They dont want a nice guy that ask her , where do you want to go.

Where do you want to eat. What movie do you want to watch.

A girl likes a guy with confidense that makes up his own mind and who will have thought of what the girl would like without asking her.

Sometimes they want a man in charge that says lets go get italian food.

Instead of asking her where to go for dinner (if you know she likes italian food for example)

 

Ofcourse this may seem weird at first because a good guy like yourself rather ask what she wants because you want whats best for her.

Heck you would even sacrifice your own happiness to make her happy.

But in a girls point of view , always having to answer what to do or where to go feels like a weight on her shoulders and girls prefer someone that leads them intead of whom follows them.

Ofcourse this doesn't mean that you have to act like a jerk and only do what you want but sometimes a girl likes a man to take action for himself.

Every girl is different however so this isn't a 100% proof dating strategy.

 

Anyways even though you asked her whether shes ok alot of times.

Don't take it too hard on yourself.

Maybe you cared tomuch , maybe she is just wayyyy too moody most of the time and doesn't tell you what she wants or what bothers her.

To be honest it just seems that this girl is just not in to you.

It doesn't really matter what you do because she doesn't care.

And in the end despite the fact that you love her at this moment , i just feel like you deserve so much better.

 

See i believe in fighting for a relationship if it is really worth it.

If the girl truely makes you the happiest guy in the world and brings the best of out of you.

In that case i would give up my life if it would bring me closer to savings the relationship.

But i feel like what you have with this girl just isn't that.

Ofcourse you felt like it was since you got to kiss her and watch movies and all of the fun stuff.

But while she was doing that with you she just didn't feel the same.

For whatever reason it may be , she just wasn't in love with u.

 

It's really sad for me to hear your story becuz u really do deserve better.

But in the end we all gotta look at reality here.

Sometimes you gotta look at it and realise: maybe if she felt the same way it could've been a perfect relationship.

And maybe if i could do whatever is needed to make her love me then it could be a perfect relationship.

But when you do all that you could and she never even cared.

Then i hate to break it to you but maybe you should let go of the fantasy of you two being together and find your luck somewhere elsewhere.

 

I don't know if you think this girl is ''the one'' for you.

And i dont know whether you can get a ''better'' girl than her.

But i do know that trying to be with a girl who just never felt the same way because of whatever reason it might be that you can't seem to change.

Then it's not worth trying to stick with it and fight for it forever.

 

You're young now and you still got ur whole life ahead of you.

Don't waste it and be broken about this one girl who doesn't care back.

I mean if she truely loved you at one point and you still have hopes then i would say go for it you know.

But this girl flat out told you she never liked you ever.

She just admired your consistency in chasing her.

As much as that hurts i think its time to just accept it and know that you really gave it your best and try to live for better things.

She treated you the way you wouldn't even treat your enemies.

Blaming you , using you , hurting you and not even caring about you.

 

I know right now you think she might be the most special girl in the world.

But by reading how she treated you i can tell you that thats not mutual love.

And mutual love feels so much more amazing.

Ofcourse i also know that when you truely love someone then whatever is out there in the world doesn't matter because shes the reason you wake up for in the morning.

But you're in uni and you got a whole career life and adventure ahead of you.

Don't let 1 girl who doesn't like you back for whatever reason that may be who rather focuses on her drawings be the reason that you no longer want to live life man.

I know right now it feels like shes the only reason you want to live for.

But guess what? The world is a huge place and there alot of great things to experiance that you never even knew existed yet.

Feelings you never even knew was possible feeling.

There's really alot out there that you haven't seen yet because right now your ex girlfriend literally is your world.

It is like Bruce Leee said: When you point a finger at the moon , dont look at the finger. Because there is a whole moon out there waiting to be discovered.

 

Hopefully this post will help you in a way.

I know i been harsh and it sounds like a mean email but really man its the truth.

Untill you realise that this girl may not be the one for you , and if u refuse to believe that , then maybe when you realise that she just genuinely isn't and wasn't interested in you ever then maybe after that painful realisation , you will be able to set yourself free and move on ready to explore the moon and everything beyond.

Goodlucks man.

[Sugarkane]

I can totally relate. Your ex said the same things mine did.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

to be honest man you hit the nail on the head ( even got it right that she was asexual, even though I thought I mentioned it though actually when reading back I didnt).

 

to be honest there's no way I could conceivably get back with her even if she approached me, especially how she practically emotionally crippled me, and I would be inclined to believe that any "real" lover wouldn't allow anyone to get to such a state of grievance that practically affected their emotional wellbeing and health.. I will NEVER forgive her for abandoning me like that when I needed her the most ( she could see my anxiety a mile off) however emotionally its going to take me a while to adjust to her absence emotionally. I think after reading a few threads and thinking to myself about simular problems people on this site have had, its just became obvious that she SHOULDNT me making me feel such self-loathing so yea I now have my mind set on moving on. However emotionally I've left my leavings way back to when we first met and how special that meant to me when she seemed to really like me, so in order to progress without that happiness is going to take a while..

 

just hope you guys don't mind me using this site as a proverbial punching bag for awhile...