catharsis: Or How I should stop worrying and just move on...

[Foolah]

Though our experience may have differed you are in the same place I have been in for over 7 months now. Sort of like the song "Without you, What do i do with me"?

We know it's over and we should just stay away. Everyone sees it, says it to us and their actions scream it out loud. But I too stare at the walls and get fixated on what was, what i should have done different, etc. Missing him terribly for he was my best friend for over 5 yrs and we screwed up the friendship with falling in love. Both of us married so add that to the equation.

I still, after months of him ignoring me, hope he gets in touch or forgives me.

Nothing seems fun, nothing seems worth doing. What we need is a new fixation and something to be passionate about but how and where and when will that come for us? I just sit here and wait. Everyone says it takes time. And i know they are right but what i hear you asking is the same question i ask. What do i do with myself while waiting for the pain to expire?

You are not alone with that.

[davesterr]

thats what were here for man. i used this site for the same reason as you did so i wouldn't have to keep bugging my friend about it.

either way whenever you need some more advice or just let something out dont feel bad for posting it becuz we all going through the same thing.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

Though our experience may have differed you are in the same place I have been in for over 7 months now. Sort of like the song "Without you, What do i do with me"?

We know it's over and we should just stay away. Everyone sees it, says it to us and their actions scream it out loud. But I too stare at the walls and get fixated on what was, what i should have done different, etc. Missing him terribly for he was my best friend for over 5 yrs and we screwed up the friendship with falling in love. Both of us married so add that to the equation.

I still, after months of him ignoring me, hope he gets in touch or forgives me.

Nothing seems fun, nothing seems worth doing. What we need is a new fixation and something to be passionate about but how and where and when will that come for us? I just sit here and wait. Everyone says it takes time. And i know they are right but what i hear you asking is the same question i ask. What do i do with myself while waiting for the pain to expire?

You are not alone with that.

 

Foohah, I can tell you I know that the feeling is definitely resonating in my life right now too..

 

Emotions are really working on its own mechanic, and no matter how you try to understand said emotions, it can be very hard to control them when logic is really a completely separate department..

 

I ‘m told that this should be a opportunity to enjoy the things that you where missing in life while in your relationship, but to be honest really the only thing I was missing in life anyway was the satisfaction a relationship can bring to begin with.

 

It’s especially hard when, with me, I kind of used the idea of a relationship as a golden ticket to ameliorate the monotony of my life because of how something felt ...empty.

 

When I ended with my ex two months ago, I tried to jump on that high horse and use it as a way to start doing things I’ve never done before, look for greener pastures to keep my mind from greifing. I watched new tv shows and movies I’ve never tired before, started learning Japanese, and for a while it did seem invigorating.. however eventually something really didn’t feel right...

 

It kind of felt like ...compensating for your wayward emotions rather than dealing with it... and unfortunately working in logic can never really work in lieu with how your emotions are playing up. Knowing this made my new set lifestyle seem like a farce as I know no matter what I did , in the end fond feelings for my ex just kept permeating and lingering around any actively I seemed to do.. It’s really hard, doing this, it’s like you have to force-feed inspiration or a sense of verve for things beyond your love, even though it was love that kind of kindled that passion for life... to the point where the loss has dulled your senses. And with the whole “you have to move on” advice it feels like you have to force yourself to be enthralled by what seems bland, insipid and just plain empty. Thus making life feels even more empty and meaningless, and just so repetitive, as if your stuck in a groundhog day of your own making...

 

However to be honest I’m feeling a lot better now after reading advice and other situations on this site, even with people being frank yet thoughtful in how they offer advice. Some of it is things I already know, and a lot of the advice are a means to spark thoughts in my head on how the relationship wouldn't have been a happy set of affairs should it have continued anyway.. Mainly though this is really a means of my own personal closure with my emotions so that my emotional side can understand why the relationship failed and that even if my ex returned to me in my life, that my passion shouldn’t rest solely with her, as she never could or even was able/wanted to fulfil the things I really NEEDED in a relationship instead of what I wanted..

 

it’s not my logic that needs a massive overhaul but my emotions, and that you have to find a way to tell your emotions what logic has already deduced so that both are on the same wavelength ( even though it usually takes emotions a lot longer to catch up)... hang in there Foolah, 7 months of NC is really a great level of commitment to moving on right now, and something that myself has to really push forward to achieve ( I am at 2, nearly 3 months of NC at the end of this month) , you just need to find a way to explain and satisfy your emotions to why absence of your ex in your life IS a good thing and not catch yourself out in the obvious trap doors and "enticements " that tempt you at this stage...

Edited October 25, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[TheJiltedGeneration]

urgggh.... so I'm nearing the end of the month which will mark my 3rd-4th month of NC, and things are.. plodding along but to a point where I am slightly frustrated with myself. I 'm slowly making progress, however My living condition is different in certain ways but sacroscant in others.. basically I want to move on, and want to try new things or press forward in being productive, but I just still lack the drive.. I've remained faithful to my NC "Pledge" so to speak and had nearly a week where little to no thoughts of my ex lover whatsoever.. then since yesterday while shopping I got struck by these emotional grippings that just came out of no where.. and have been constantly playing a fighting came just to redirect the deficit of .. well of emotional tending... but I have the feeling I am starting to go through that point where I know (for sure) that my ex IS NOT coming back.... it's like to day I've been clenching for dear life on my pillow to try and not see how she's doing and f***ing placating myself by telling myself there is no ****ing point. the way to independance is a long road ahead and I did well this week thusfar, but hell I know I havent even covered the brink of the woods just yet.. and this is going to get even worse.. It's kind of like I still want a "miracle" to happen, for her to go through a epiphany and to realise the error of her ways and completely change in ernest understanding how she has also done wrong and not just me. But f*** life just doesnt work like that. I tried watching new shows like the walking dead (, its ok might try the wire at some point) and I might do some research for my essays today, urggh if I feel the drive to do so.. but right now all I want to do is pound the living S*** out of the opponents on street fighter 3.. which I have done so for about 2 days now ( silly I know ) puting my energy to perfecting my technique, but man I just need to do something productive and not just rely on the game for something I can fall back on ( essentially relying on SF3 just shows in a way that the whole break up still has control over me).. how can I get motivated to being productive >.>

 

I think some one said in another post about "loving someone for what you think they where yet

[davesterr]

We all get like that.

Some days im here trying to give my best advice to others.

Other times like the last few days i feel like going insane.

These emotions just come in waves.

Theres no saying what will trigger them but it is important that u stick to your knowledge and not cave in.

This is really hard though and it doesn't matter how long its been.

I am still getting sad over the fact that she's gone.

 

It's funny u mentioned sf3.

I play the original sf2 champion edition online myself on ggpo.

Anyways if it helps you get your mind off things then good.

Aslong as theres balance and it doesn't interfere with ur school or work.

Then beating some people in street fighter isn't a bad thing.

Ofcourse you can use the time for someting more productive.

Let's say beating a punching bag or lifting weights.

Yell at the weights for all i care , tell em you're gonna show them whos boss and lift them.

Whatever it takes to make you lose your frustrations , in the end it u get a better body from it.

However it's easier to turn on your computer and start challanging random players rather than getting up to the gym and really break a sweat.

 

Aventually it all comes down to balance.

Some street fighter is ok just dont drop out of college to become the best player online for it.

About the drive , you gotta push yourself.

We will always have days when things go easier.

And on some days our minds are just not in it and it feels like a struggle.

You gotta find a way to get yourself excited to do somehting particular.

 

For example.

Lets say your working out in the gym but your not foccused and theres no drive.

You will find yourself alot weaker than normal and won't be able to lift the amount of weigths that you can usually do with ease.

It's imorpant in these times that you find extra reasons to work hard.

Let's say you work with a training partner.

You're feeling not so good and weak with no drive.

Then your partner says: I bet you 10 bucks i can do more reps than you.

All of a sudden you got a motive. A drive , a challange.

And your mind will start kicking it.

 

It's like playing noobs everyday on street fighter online.

It's no fun and sometimes you get bored of it.

Sometimes you need one of those crazy japs who u wanna kick their asses.

So when you feel down with no drive.

Really just find a reason.

 

And if you cant , then dont blame urself toomuch for it.

Don't just lay around and keep thinking and thinking.

Go out , go see a movie or do something that keeps ur mind off things.

Hopefully the next day is a fresh start with a new beginning of the day.

Right now we are forced to create our own happiness.

So do whatever it takes man.

In the end it will be worth it.

[IfiKnewThen]

wow, just wanted to interject that i seriously have to get back to this thread. i can relate to all the feelings and gamut of emotions here and the advice is something i want to absorb, too. and i would like to impart anything i can when i read this whole thing. i also, wouldn't mind pm-ing one of the women who responded here that i can relate to. i have to scroll back over all of this. i kinda lightly perused 1/2 the thread. def have to get back to this but am getting ready to go away for a few days. so lots to do. i get away when i can. its been a decent means of temporary escape. but you take your thoughts and loving heart along with you wherever you go, you just try to give your mind any little reprieve you can. davesterr gives some powerful advise and insight, and some of the original posters words really spoke to me (in that i was able to relate to so many things ..on all sides) but i didnt read all thats here and is to read. but again will return, as this is a must finish read for me...since i started it but cant look at it all right now. but felt compelled to say something at this moment. God bless and hang in there. hugs to all

[TheJiltedGeneration]

thanks guys, yea I'll try to keep pressing on, anyway that hankering to check the account is starting to move on alittle, just got to keep finding ways to be completely independent of it..

[fenderjames]

I agree man . So glad I found this site . It sucks so many are going thru such wicked strong emotions ( myself included ) , it sure is nice to talk with you all though .

[TheJiltedGeneration]

so, today has been hell and I haven't even been through the most of it.. one word has pretty much being dominating my entire mindset today... withdrawal... and it's starting to work its way through me.. kind of like slowly corroding the edge of a promontory I happen to be standing on while staring into blank nothing.... I have no enthusiasm.. no drive... I haven't done my japanese practice for like a week and I know if this gets any worse it's going to just be another little project collecting dust in the attic.. I haven't done much coursework this week either except for like 500 words which is pathetic as I have a deadline of like two 2,000 words in February, one 2,000 word essay in march and then three 10,000 word essays in april ( I really want to get a draft in asap so I can boost my grade.. )

 

I suppose I've been watching a show called luther or well.. been using that to spur my interest away from my losses.. my target now is to perhaps finish most of the show today as a means to preoccupy, but I am just wrest into a mood of apathy and sence that this IS a terminal condition of isolation... that isn't going to change . I really don't want to put any effort into maintaining relationship right now and I am really fed up of the current relationship formula that has underpins my love life....

 

WITH EVERY GIRL I'VE BEEN WITH ( or more to the point nearly been with) it

it just feels like every woman I seem to be involved with has this 2 week or month of being completely enamored with me, always calling, always hanging out with me always hinting some form of affection.. then after a while they just seem to .. outgrow me... and what hurts is there is never a explanation to why. It just this ease of forgetting me that really ****ING HURTS, its like they have a switch implanted in which they can easy emotionally shut down any form of affection, or intrigue as if it wasnt there in the first place.. I need to stop attaching myself to people and ruminating over what went right and wrong, but it still confounds me to why everyone of my interactions in this manner seem to end like this, abrupt and without explaination..

 

I still feel determined and driven to not look at her facebook, deviant art, w/e (it feels like this is all that I have right now..) and I still want to use this as a means for self-improvement ( I heard there is a sub forum on that so I might go to that forum too at some point..) but these throes of emotions... they just feel so worthless and pointless and it frustrates me I still have these and its too a point where I want to rip out any gland or organ that produces these hormones right out of me ( if I didn't need them..), and ****ing get real with myself...

Edited October 29, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[TheJiltedGeneration]

took a quick hour nap, tried to cool down abit with watching any miscelanous crap to take mind off it, but the urge is still coming through, I think I will try to write down on the "write on this thread instead of contact you ex" thread. with the last time I contacted her, I took bad advice from people that really put me in the deep end. There was more to that last time we contacted, that makes me partly to blame. mainly cause I was so desperate to get her back that I allowed some really bad advice to influence me, against my better judgement. this took place right after we went our seperate ways in april , and I was confined to move on but really I was so frantic about what I had lost that I wanted to try and "play the game" as it were.. as it seemed to "work" with my best friend and other people I know in my life.. **** was I wrong. last june...

I tried to pretend to have a girlfriend (that was really pitiful of me it really was) as a friend said that she might be more mournful to what she has lost if you do that and that she might try to contact you more to get you back ( the whole "wanting what you cant have" psychology). another friend also said that I need to be cold in order to do this too.. I didn't do this all through the relationship but this was afterwards in june when we went our separate ways and I couldst believe how she so easily cast me off ( I never lied to her before june, but I was determined to have her back). also when I got really angry with her, I made fun of her anthropomorphic interests ( though her art in this field is suburb, and I have no personal vindiction against it, just over her callocity)

 

This is the thing I want to apologize to her about this face to face ( not that she probably remembers.. I know she hasn't) but I know it would be me submitting to her and apologizing when I KNOW SHE WONT apologize about how she hurt me beforehand.. I have to come clean about this as this is eating me away.. and I ain't completely innocent ( I did apologize via email just after what I did but again.. she didn't respond) I was kind of throwing every trick out of the hat to try and get her back in june.. and now I look back at it, it was really wrong.. so either I apologize face to face (though I know she would just leech off of it.. ) or just forget about it... what should I do... ? Its like I think to myself "your thinking of excuses to just get close to her again to talk to her again, you keep contacting her and you'll get more and more desperate and pull the same **** again.. so dont.. "

Edited October 29, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[davesterr]

this is gonna sound weird but as a kid i once yelled at my teacher that i had a crush on when i was 6 lol.

then 11 years later i went back to that school to say hi and i apologized to my teacher.

she had no idea what i was talking about.

yet for some reason i still felt bad about it.

 

what im trying to say is , not everyone remembers the things u do.

ur ex hurt u in so many ways theres no need to apologize.

ur basicly just looking for an excuse to break no contact.

seriously dude , even if u apologized and she would've accepted it.

that is if because im pretty sure she would just ignore it and draw in her books like ur not even there.

then what u gonna do?

go back to nc? do you think your feelings for her will go away?

do u secretly think thats the reason shes not with u? becuz u were mean to her for a slight moment after all the time of how crappy she treated u?

or is it just the guilt of feeling like you hurt her that eats u?

if so then u just gotta forgive urself for making a mistake.

seriously take it from me , u apologizing is the last thing shes waiting to hear.

 

about playing the game , well dont blame the people that give advice.

every girl is unique and each has their own strategy.

pretending to have a girlfriend sometimes work.

this is based on the: girls want what they cant have.

 

however where u went wrong is , this girl is like asexual or something.

she doesn't care whether ur available or not.

because she wasn't interested.

she never had to try to get ur attention becuz u always chased her.

and she said the only reason she was with u is becuz of u chasing her.

not because she was in love with u.

i know this hurts and i hate repeating bad news.

but seriously man , just forgive urself and stop letting the guild eat at u.

unless u secretly still think u can get back together , which might be the reason why this guild is eating u.

then just let it go and understand u made a mistake.

a mistake that u made in the first place becuz she dumped u.

if she didnt treat u bad and stayed with u then this wouldn't have happened in the first place anyway.

 

and what u said about meeting new people.

thats called life.

the world is a shallow place man and so are the people living in it.

no one really cares and they just use u.

thats why its so hard to find a best friend after school.

becuz once people turn into adults , they dont look for a friend.

they just look for what a person has to offer.

a ride , money , social contact etc etc.

whatever it may be , thats how the world works.

you gotta start living for urself and find happiness on ur own.

this doesn't mean that u have to become a lone worlf all reclused.

but this just mean that u gotta stop being so needy.

i know it sucks when other people act like ur disposable.

but aslong as u know ur not , then it wont bug u.

just keep doing what u gotta do and if u do find some cool people to hang out with or a real nice girl who actually cares then just make sure u dont let them go.

 

about u struggling with ur ex still.

all i can say is you gotta let go of all the hope and really realise u wont get back together.

at first it will hurt u like crazy but after that ur wounds can start to heal.

if u always secretly hope , and think and plot and plan and who knows what.

then ur always gonna keep that wound open and stay hurt.

im not saying ul feel better when u give up all hope though.

i still cry every week and it hurts and its sad knowing i wont be together with my ex anymore.

but in a way u just let go more and more and it stops u from planning the future to get back.

it stops the guilt of what did i do wrong or what can i do to change it.

in the end when ur at this stage , all u feel is the hurt of not being with her anymore.

but then again thats something u been dealing with since the break up started anyway.

its just that u accept that u no longer will be together in the future.

 

ofcourse the future is never set and who knows what might happen.

maybe ur gf will come back somehow maybe she wont.

but in the meantime ur able to focus more on urself and be less hurt.

thats my opinion of it anyway.

Edited October 30, 2011 by davesterr

[Sugarkane]

Jilted if anyone needs to apologize it's her, NOT you. She's the one that used you. I don't see what you have to apologize for, you did nothing wrong. I find it strange that she's asexual. Is he just saying this as an excuse? Why would a young guy want someone asexual for? That would drive me nuts. I don't know how you could stand that?

[Sugarkane]

Please don't make yourself ill like I did. These people aren't worth it.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

yea I am just throwing out any idea out there as a mean to justify a change to reach her again.. hell even I know that... the guilt does still remain and I feel like a absolute prick for suggesting she might be autistic and lying about having a girlfriend as I kind of got really pathetic and couldnt accept the relationship ended, but like davestarr said that wasnt where the problems even started.. but more of the resulting backlash of me trying to resist the fact ...

 

so yea I f***ed up as a means for not accepting that the relationship has failed and she even said when I told her "why you telling me this.. I mean a normal ex would probably feel angry but tbh I am not a normal ex" so I suppose it wouldnt have fazed her truth or not.....

 

I was a dick during june and I feel like a dick for putting her through that month of hell ( and I shouldn't have pigeonholed her as autistic its something I really feel **** about but even if I apologized now.. it's just succumbing to her self-entitlement of "being in the complete right" when she really hasnt been..), I did put her through a month of hell but tbh she DID put be through nearly 2 years of hell and still doesn't realize the fact.. so yea no point comparing evils because we all have our share of the blame.. but the problem really started by the fact that she has no empathy towards doing any possible wrongdoing on her side

 

hell one of her arguments over summer last year when we didn't see each-other was was "IT was both our faults"

I should see this clearly.. she's shifting the blame as if I was soley responcible for not contacting her when she had the oppertunity to contact me.. I even felt the door open saying "if she wants to hang out me with over summer just call" so its not like I totally ignored her.. like she's suggesting..

 

and even when she does wrong she just hand-waves and says "oh well it ain't my fault because I don't realize what I am doing " and never takes responcibility like I TRY TO DO.. so yea she doesnt think/care of how her behavior affects others which is why any relationship with me or anyone else is bound to fail...

 

yea I havent accepted the loss yet.. I dont think.. I mean its pretty crystal clear .. when accessing what went wrong it all started with her yet I would respond to what ever she did poorly too.. so yea no point getting back on the rails by apologizing as it wont do any good as it would just repeat itself again,

 

you know what F*** it ...she really is and has been selfish I mean at least I am conscious of being in the wrong when she has never been.. so yea f*** it don't apologize until she does.. I should realize ALL ALONG.. I've always been swinging with a empty racket when the ball HAS BEEN IN HER COURT ALL ALONG..

 

thanks guys for giving me a good kick up the arse I kind of need the solidarity sometimes to get my head straight and stop assessing the aftermath of my ways as the relationship has failed long before that..

... I think I should just stop the retrospection over the whole thing as right now simple fact is: I did wrong yes and I am genuinely sorry for it.., but her biggest wrong was not even knowing or caring she has done wrong .. which is a hell of a lot worse than being wrong in the first place...

Edited October 30, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[TheJiltedGeneration]

so tommorrow I've got my seminars in university which with carefull selection I have found decent allotted times to go to which insures that I evade my ex.. problem is I have a lesson in a room just after hers.

 

There was this one seminar that had two different sessions to choose from .. one at 11am and one at 3pm.. at first I went to the 11am sessions, but this was the one my ex was in , so therefore I decided to reschedule myself for the 3pm sessions ( which is slightly better as I dont have to wait around afterwards till my lift from my stepdad is ready.... it saves a lot of money just carpooling..) only problem is this.. I have a different module seminar at 1am which is in the same room as the seminar which my ex is in, which finishes at 1am ( 2 hour sessions). now so far I've been able to avoid her because sometimes the tutor likes to finish early, ( 1h and 45mins) so I can just wait in the library till 12:55-12:58pm.. to insure I dont bump into her. however sometimes the tutor likes to go the full 2 hours and whent I arrived just outside the door at 12:55pm, I saw the back of her head through the glass fixture in the door; in which my only reaction was to just instantly run to a location where she wouldnt see me....

 

I honestly cant even look at her anymore.. I really want to move on, but even seeing her rather blank grimace of solace.. like a glimpse into the contentment of that little microcosm of a world that seems to occupy her.. her distance it ****ing emotionally destroys me.... it kills to she how little I meant to her, how can she be on such a high feather, after all of what we've been through? ( yes I know I meant so little to her.. but just.. f***)

 

so I just cant acknowledge her existence anymore without relapsing into panic attacks... and as I try to plan my avoidance so that I dont even have to see her ( she usually runs quickly to her train so she can get home and do stuff asap) but I know eventually I will bump into her or pass her, and just seeing her blissful , almost enchanted gaze... , when she passes .. like I am not there.. f*** I know one day it will make me hysteric..

 

thats why last week I didnt even go to my lessons ( only have two this week) and tempted to not go to this one.. ( only missed 1 session of two separate classes) I know I cant keep this up as I will fail my course otherwise ( dont learn anything in class that I need to know however it goes on record how many times you've been truant and if your in-numerously truant it affects your final grade..) what should I do..?

Edited November 1, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[IfiKnewThen]

yikes i feel horrible about this but still keep getting glimpses of updates on your story but still haven't gone back to read over all there is to this story. every time i sat down to read, another interruption, then trip, then a slow tried head.

 

but quickly, i want to say, don't rearrange your life anymore. yes, i don't think its healthy to be around her, but you need to balance the balancing. you can not afford to compromise your work either...aka schooling.

 

facing fears are often empowering. to everything there is a season, so you have to be able to face certain things at certain times. some things are unavoidable, and there is no real good timing.

 

you have to look at it this way, methinks. that you will not allow her to take anything else away from you. i really want to elaborate on all of this soon. and yes i have to get back to this . but in the meantime, avoid her as much as you can from your disadvantage point. but do NOT allow it to take anymore time from school. arranging classes is one thing. avoiding them all together is quite another. she isnt worth this. do not empower her anymore on this particular levle please. lets start with that. will return. God bless.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I did go to todays lesson.. but I arrived 5 mins late to ensure I didn't bump into her ( luckily our tutor usually arrives 10 minutes late on the account that he has to print workshop drafts.. basically work handed in from students) for us to cover that lesson ... It hard as I know that inadvertently .. I am basically allowing her to control my university life indirectly by treating her as such as subverting element to my life, creating her out to be a such a impassable vexation, almost like some fanatic superstition I've created for myself to ritualistically follow during my visits on campus ( I am stay in the library like every time I know she has lessons or could potentially cross paths, as she rarely if ever goes there as well as consider the possibility that her tutor is away or something which gives her the opportunity to squander her time on campus until the next lesson.. )

 

 

I know it's really bad, but I know in my heart she will never change and I dont even want to acknowledge her stoic composure.. it just kills me..

 

thats why I adopt this kind of ostrich syndrome, if you don't see it it ain't there just helps me significantly.. kind of gives me a piece of mind.. like she wasn't even there in the first place..

[IfiKnewThen]

thats great and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. that is called survival skills. why subject yourself to more pain. i seriously "get" that. i am not saying she is control your life. but rather, if you perhaps look at it, as you wont let her control your life, by having to avoid her at every turn, or allow it to over step boundaries, such as your losing time at school, then perhaps that way of thinking, will make it easier if you do run into her. you can remind yourself that greater cause of being there (in class) was worth it. but you know that.

 

youre sound very smart. she sounds like shes missing out on a great guy, who has depth and passion, and who is also sensible and sensitive. again, i will try not to procrastinate and get to the entire thread asap. glad you made today's lesson and it was smart to get there a bit later but not too late : )

 

and by the way what youre doing is not "really bad". avoidance sometimes is necessary. just go easy on yourself when you cant avoid her and dont go too much out of your way. it wouldnt even be so bad if she had to deal with seeing you. i know she looks and acts stoic and most indifferent or even detached. but that doesnt mean that things are the way the look. and even if it is, shes not better than you for feeling nothing. you prove to be a better person who felt something and honored what you had a little more. you when in her company can try too to make her visibly invisible. i do believe in time it will get easier to do that.

[IfiKnewThen]

i almost dont know where to begin. i think i want to say that what drew me to this post the most, and kept me bookmarking it till i finished reading it, was how well you described loss. .... grieving for someone you love, the struggle with healing and trying to make sense of it all. i truly understand that, and the first part of your post really spoke to me, (subsequent parts did as well) when it came to your feelings.

 

also, i want to say, as always, davesterr gives great advise and insight. and all the other support and advise offered was good and solid and i hope it helps you though this time in your life, TheJiltedGeneration. most people here do understand and care.

 

even though the pain and anguish of a relationship and dream lost, makes us have ta lot of the same common feelings and experiences afterwards; the way we got here through our own personal stories, is different.

 

from what i understood and read from your story, and from my disadvantage point of having a vestibular disorder, which means for me having to really focus hard reading it with its details, : ) and it being near 2:00 am now, in the USA, this is what i got out of it..

 

i really feel this girl has little or no relationship skills. (as you probably already know)

she seriously does not know how to interact. i don't know if she is autistic (but i can truly see why your mother would think so based on her behavoir) but i do believe she is emotionally stunted....and is socially and very much romantically stunted. that is likely from her being so cloistered (as you put it)

 

i never shared this with anyone on LS (lol..I wonder why? ) but i was very outgoing when i was younger, and had no problem socializing with friends or having a boyfriend. this was a good thing. i interacted with the world rather nicely. a so called normal child/young adult..reg adult (hehe) but then when i got married, a few years later i got very sick, with this stupid illness i have...and i also became a mother, and PS long story short...there was a time i was very cloistered due to my disorder (that came later in life) and being a stay at home mom. and after i healed a bit ,and my daughter grew more and was with her friends... and i became more ambulatory, & socializing was awkward for me for the first time in my life, because i was so isolated for so long. now my point is, it doesn't matter how smart she is on certain levels. if she is basically introverted and inexperienced and cloistered, sheltered..whatever...

she is likely not going to receive information right or give information out, correctly either.....on a ....romantic level. she doesn't need to be autistic to have a social/ romantic deficit. i never had a problem but after being isolated for a certain period of time in my life, even though i was socially normal as a young adult , getting back into the world again was awkward and almost foreign to me. so, i try to imagine how it must be for a young adult who was cloistered to even know where to begin to act normal socially or romantically. gosh i hate to use that word normal. its late so forgive for for the lack of a better description right now. ( i shouldnt be writing at 2 am ) yikes. :l

 

i feel like you imagined and hoped she was more than she was, or that she could really offer you more than she was capable of giving emotionally and that even includes...sighs...basic consideration. she seems to have NO experience or even concept about romantic interactions...or social. period. plus she is young. and that does count for something. (in that when she looks back on this someday she will say...gosh i must have looked like a jerk to that guy) or she may stay emotionally and socially and romantically stunted all her life. we don't know. and i am not saying there was nothing redeeming or actractive about here and that she wasnt intellectually brillant.

 

I always bring this book up , but it was ground breaking. john grays book men are from mars and women are from venus. for so long we thought we (men and women) were a like in our needs and how we interacted. this book helped show the world how men and women ARE different as far as how we communicate and how we interpret things. the sexes interpet things differently. i mean some things are blatantly obvious while a lot of things are not so well understood between the sexes. and it shows how better relationship skills and better communication, can accomplish more. so think of skilled people, if you will, and how they struggle to communicate, and need help. now think of someone who has no skills or experience and is young and has been for the most part socially isolated. what do you get?

 

you get not to take it too personally. or to at least see that side of it.

 

i dont think she was trying to hurt you. maybe i am giving her the benefit of the doubt. in fact i think there were times when she didn't want to hurt you and awkwardly went with the flow. i think you did peek her interest. i do think she was flattered that you liked her and was interested in her. and guess what? most women or females, really do like that. your interest in them often (will you please read men are from mars and women are from venus if you never read it : )) makes females drawn to a man/male who notices them and takes interest in them.

 

if this is the case with her and i truly believe it was, maybe dont take it too personally , if you will. in fact, be flattered and happy (i am dead serious) that you have these very important skills to make a women feel important. ask any married man.

 

i am not jesting when i say this. i mean this with all sincerity. i personally think this is the one single thing you really did right.

 

now like i always say...or well the bible says and i quote. ( a good authority. ; ) "to everything there is a time and a purpose, a season". i dont think it was the right time in the relationship or friendship (at the time), to say "i love you", do you love me? personally, i think it was very cute and a lot of females would have been flattered and thought it sweet. and you being a guy who has also been somewhat secluded, made a personal break through in doing this. you stepped outside the box. took a chance in furthering yourself taking a step like that... so, kudos to you for doing it.

also, it could seem too fast. i dont think it was the time and season or with the right girl. though it is tender and sweet. and makes me really think of first love. next time reserve the words i love you for the real right time and moment....pace yourself a bit more ; )

 

i tend to feel a bit differently then some of the others here (including yourself) with this situation where you feel she was almost being cocky saying she liked how you were interested in her. i dont have the exact quote. i think that was the draw for her...not to use you, as you think. what did she get out of it? really? but rather it left her open to you.so i think it was the fact that you liked her or loved her that she began to like you or it opened her mind and heart up to you. of course i could be wrong. but that's my take on it.

 

also, i think it was a bit odd how she said you were growing apart at one point, because i never really got the sense you "grew together". thats what a successful relationship needs.

 

i don't think it was strange that she wanted you to go shopping with her either. in her minds eyes she saw it as a friend ..even though she did know you were smitten with her. i don't believe she really believed you were truly "in love" with her. how could she? it was all too soon. not for you because i think you imagined things far longer than she did. and i believe you are more mature and wanted that possibility. if she knew you felt like this should she have ended it with you and maybe thought doing things with you would further lead you on? yes. but as i said, i don't think she had the real knowledge that you loved her and was going to get really hurt. even though you were demonstrative of affection, emails, a kiss, trying to go out with her...i trust she didnt know you loved her. not that her absolutely knowing would make a difference. she clearly was not ready for love. she nodded, she giggled, she said yes. she might have felt enamored at that time and thought it was almost rhetorical when you said it. but she wouldn't leave school (give her some credit for that......i would credit my own daughter for that one). and i believe its there that you felt you missed the opportunity to kiss her. i could be wrong. and you thought she was mad or put off by that. i don't believe so. you are smart. and you know your own situation. there is a thing of over thinking something though and not thinking right at the time because you too have never been in this situation before and its awkward, uncharted, and we tend to think the worst. could that be at times ? maybe she flet it was going too fast and then caused the distance, which made it go nowhere.

 

she had all the things in common so she seemed like the ideal candidate and opportunity for love. but without the similar feelings and skills in which to build on them she is not ideal now. you summed it up good when you said, something like (i am sorry i am sleepy here and dont remember all or exactly, but it is important to me) that because you are a loner or isolated a lot, this took you out of it and it hurts more not to have that hope and interaction with her anymore and basically you mourn the loss if it .....big time. even though it was real, the experience, the kiss, the want, the desire, the intellectual dialog, the similar interests, the tv shows, the rest of it was missing. weeks of no communication, being apart, mood swings...

 

do you think you too may have misinterpreted some things? sometimes we think we are getting signs to go and then get angry when we think it means stop all of the sudden (i am not talking sex here) but you feel you made a stride based her her clues and then feel she is pulling back then you get mad. maybe some things were misinterpreted, on your part, from her.

 

at one point, she said she wanted to be friends and asked you to get back to her in 5 to 6 months about a relationship.. maybe she was brushing you off, but my sense of it is, she might have been doing that ot not. could have been procrastination, because maybe she did understand somewhere in herself , that she wasn't ready for a relationship, yet. when you tell someone you love them, that is intense and speaks so much more of asking more from someone too. at least it could be interpreted as that. what do you think?

 

I am not blaming you here. i too am trying to understand it. all aspects.

as far as your telling her she might be autistic you did not mean any harm. dont beat yourself up. that wont help matters at all. it would not be something to say in dr. john grays book on relationship skills. but we all learn, and a lot more of us have done worse in relationships. i think you said you apologized (there was a lot there for me to read and remember exactly from my disadvantage point....i can have brain fog myself....a real condition),

why she didnt acknowledge it i dont know. i am not making excuses for her...that was likely no skills, plus rudeness. as far as pretending after the break up, that you had a girlfriend...i get why you did that. yes sometimes maybe that does work. but most times i think it just can cause hurt and if some one doesnt like you, dont you want them to now like the REAL you, not the false you, that gets a bad rap for not being the real you? and dont you want to be loved for you?

as far as saying you had a girlfriend, when you broke up, sometimes that helps yes, for people who need a challenge. maybe yes, but you have to put it in perspective. is this a girl who dates a lot and can get any guy and is popular and now wants a challenge? you tell me?

 

when we go against our grain and self and higher power, there is usually inner turmoil for not doing what we really want to do. that's be ourselves and be loved for that. or truly not liked for that. but its you. not who your pretending to be that people will love, or admire...or dislike. i believe thats why you feel bad too and want to come clean. i agree with davesterr that she probably wont even remember it. so to move forward now. but if someday, when you feel you are more detached/and healed or if it would help in your healing....you want to verbally say you are sorry and that you hope you can be forgiven for that...then that is up to you. i dont think its necessary but you might. personally i did that myself. i truly felt i had to apologize for somethings for my own peace and closure and i did. and i am still not done healing and honestly i have more to say now. (to that party)...but in order for them to someday be maybe open to here the negative things about them as well, (or not) .... if i chose to do that someday, i might have a better chance at doing that, with admitting to my own wrongs. even if i dont do it. i had to apologize for what i did. but my situation is entirely different.

 

personally i do think you did enough for this girl and she had to have know to some extent that you cared for her and i agree and feel you don't owe her this apology, as the others said here on this thread. and you did apologize.

 

we gear ourselves and prepare ourselves for a relationship. sometimes more than another is doing for us. and you might have felt you were going somewhere and now almost pushed off a cliff. it was beyond derailed.

 

love in our hearts and minds lost at any age is painful. and not having that physical presents of the one we loved and shared good things with. but the hope in especially in young love is very real.

 

i believe, you will find love again. something more solid. truly evident and robust. you have to leave your mind open to that possibility and get excited about it..almost.

 

keep daily enjoyable routines you can count on. add some surprises to your life...do something new. go somewhere new. take care of yourself. physically and mentally. like and love yourself. you are likable and the right girl will find you lovable. pace yourself in the next relationship. seriously read men are from mars...etc. relationship books. about dating pacing....

 

this is your time and season and you made the first step. you opened up some. there will be more. but of course you have to get through school .

maybe pray God helps lead and guild you to the right girl. be yourself but with good relationship skills.

 

keep healing. be well.

 

ps i hope this makes sense. its late

[TheJiltedGeneration]

in time IfiKnewThen in time.. but right now the break up and the events that followed is still quite fresh... and just seeing her enduring apathy in it's true light..

it's like this walking black hole that complete demolishes any composure you once maintained once you see the affluence of it's indifference.. she honestly does not have any empathy for anything but the cusp of her artwork.. no matter how I tried to open her up to me, even a little.... It's her decision , yes I do realise that, and I respect that if this is how she wishes to conduct herself then I understand the benefits involved.. she is a GREAT artist.. but at a penalty of her sense of empathy with anything beyond just being dimmed to soft focus..

Edited November 2, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[IfiKnewThen]

yeah i am not saying run out and find a new girl. no youre in pain and are trying to wrap you head around it. why shes so cold and uncaring and didnt feel what you felt. but to sum it up she doesn't have the feelings and skills. and it does take both. because love can get destroyed or not even get off the ground without good relationship skills

 

 

and of course a willing partner. but it takes all.

 

please read that book and maybe give her a copy. i dont say they in a demoralizing way. i really hope you believe me.

 

ps i really like the way you express yourself. i am sure you heard it 1 million times...youre such a good writer.

[IfiKnewThen]

you are. : )

[Sugarkane]

Jilted I was going to post, but then lost it all. I'll try again. I can relate to what you're going through. When I was in high school my first boyfriend dumped me. We had classes together and I had to see him everyday. Plus our lockers got moved and his got moved right next to mine. I wasn't allowed to change or swap with someone. It was torture. I didn't want us to breakup. The breakup was alot like the one that sent me here.

 

Then he started dating his cousin's friend. I never liked her: she was very immature and childish. Just to make it worse whenever they saw me they would make out. Once would be too much, but EVERYTIME they saw me? I'm sure to this day it was on purpose. I thought it was very distasteful. I would never do that, if it was me. Talk about putting the knife right in?

 

I pretty much ignored them. They were always too busy making out anyway. I tried and focused on schoolwork and making new friends [my ex became friends with my ex friends, oddly].

[Sugarkane]

Please don't let a stupid ex get you.

[Sugarkane]

My point? I am over that ex and very rarely think of him. Instead posting about current situation.