catharsis: Or How I should stop worrying and just move on...

[TheJiltedGeneration]

ok so semi-status update, finally decided to stop putting my main life on hold and just get on with it... I've looked at all the weeks back in uni and its been like 5-6 weeks of me doing nothing but lamenting over my ex.. thats not right at all.. so rather than placing my work on a back burner I've decided to throw myself into it and just work incessantly on my review ( get it done by tonight). It might not be great but I have like just over two months to get a final done so I might as well get rough drafts done prior..

 

I have STILL restricted myself from looking at her web pages, and working towards four weeks from leaving the snooping behind me.. (practically a month so in itself it's a achievement for me of sorts) however I think I still not been restrictive enough..

 

I've been checking my hotmail emails quite frequently for the past few days, and tbh It's mainly in hope that she will respond or email me to patch things up.. I SAY THIS TIME AND TIME AGAIN ON HERE AND TO MYSELF; IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, yet I still look.. so therefore till the end of this week, I AM NOT GOING TO LOOK AT MY MAIL AT ALL!! so I get work done I've decided to stop looking at my hotmail till friday so I might try and get at least a few drafts finished so I can hand them in for workshoping in class..

 

I;ve started my first review gonna finish that by tonight, then work on something else tomorrow... (I'll update tonight to say how much I've done.. I owe myself to start taking responsibility for my course as thats more important than a stupid break up... she meant the world to me, but she shouldn't be the be all say all of how I lead my life...

Edited November 8, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[IfiKnewThen]

wow even tho i dont know you, we all know the pain and distraction of a break up and i am putting that mildly to say the least.

 

i am proud of you.

 

 

your self discipline will pay off in the long and short run. the throwing yourself into things does help. there is a time for lamenting too. and you did that in the beginning so to speak, or you could look at it that way. so distractions will be good now, and have the added payoff of furthering you in school.

 

personally i think its ok and even normal to hope ( a part of healing) that she will write. but your looking at her track record and your mind knows that too, so it helps balance out ...that she might not write back.

 

did you get out with your friends..just to get out? because that is necessary too whether we like it or not. doesn't mean we wont think of them and even feel sadder sometimes, but eventually it will become helpful in healing.

 

in fact i think of a good LS friend that used to be on here, who was absolutely heartbroken over the loss of his love and love interest. he used to say she was cold and mean to him. she really put him through a loop. anyway, none of is knew where it was going. she would periodically contact him when he was feeling a little bit better..stronger. then no contact at all. he looked at her stuff etc. he couldn't resist. then gradually he tapered it off till he didn't look at a thing. he started to go out. even missed her more, when he didn't have sucha good time...he'd come back and post his journal here. then one day he tried again...went out with friends and then bingo! long story short they got married a bit later. (no not a rebound) just found someone who loved him back and we was into and attracted to and loved back. then one day i am not sure if his ex called him or emailed him or if he wrote to her. i have to find and read the thread. but the bottom line is she was sick and heartbroken and expressed it to him. he wrote and said he felt sad...aka bad for her, but that he tried what he could. told her something had to give with her coldness and it fell on deaf ears at the time.

 

 

anyway, not saying you are going to run out and get married and find your soulmate tomorrow. just that maybe it is possible and that eventually something might give. but the best part....is just detaching yourself from your ex and living in the meantime. and no need for my words. you know this within you. we just need to remind each other now and then. but right now you seem to be on the right track and whether you know it or not you really are doing phenomenal.

 

just a side note: when i said the other day it was sad, made contact it was to get some things back that belonged to me and stuff. there was rare but periodic contact about some of my stuff. anyway, my sadness stemmed from the last message being ignored. he always pulled it when getting back to me, the rare times i had to talk with him. and i thought here we go again. sighs. felt that drudged up repeated funk and sinking feeling. anyway i wrote another small note (yeah i did) saying pretty much, please just let me know the status of these things? got an email back that the original reply was sent 30 mins after...(not the 5 days i waited) and they were quite nice and cooperative. things got settled. i am happy with that ending for now...was a little bit more easy to live with than totally getting ignored on that front. i just wanted to update you because you were so kind to offer to listen/assist in anyway. i never posted a thread, but i wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there that day. your offer for me to be heard was compassionate in and of itself.

 

youre a good person who will find a better person for yourself. and although there are times we feel compelled to stare at the ceiling, and zone and lament on the worst of days, i can see you also are a determined person, and that and believing you deserve more, will get you closer to where you want to be. good job : )

[TheJiltedGeneration]

must have been hard to have to directly contact your ex for your stuff back ( I would have probably yielded and given my ex a piece of my mind under that temptation) so kudos for keeping the stiff upper lip and keeping it strictly for your items and nothing else ( again I don't think I could show that resolve... or at least yet anyway).. It was a bit weird he delayed the reply then out of the blue just instantly replied.. it seemed to me like he was being rude and ignoring it hoping you wouldn't send again ( but yielded in the end as he knew you would keep msging till you got your stuff back so why he didn't respond to the first email is just plain rude and silly tbh)... but in the end at least you got what you needed.. no harm no foul...

 

 

unfortunately I went shopping but the people I was meant to meet didnt turn up or ring ( they where supposed to ring me but didnt.. something must have came up) they havent called back yet after I left a msg to see if everything was ok.. so thats a bit weird.. (won't speculate to much no point really must have been buzy) a friend seperate from that group though that I offered out did ring, appologised ( she slept in late cause of her bar work) and offered to meet me up again sometime ( we're meeting next tue) so that kind of kl. I guess as friends I am closer to her than that other group anyway ( I.E. she was the roomate that helped me through the whole quagmire with my ex) so definately be sweet to hang with her again...

 

 

*sigh* really hard right now like already I've been tempted to look at my hotmail to see if she replied ( you know that delusion of "oh if I haven't checked my email for a while so then maybe I might have a 'nice surprise' when I check it next...." kind of yearning.. what's my signature response to that??? IT.. AIN'T .. GOING.. TO... HAPPEN!!!!!..

 

 

so yea plans for today take a shower do some japanese revision this morning ( havent revised for ages so need to get back on the horse) then some fiction work... drive isnt part of the equation for me right now as I still do have a lack of drive right now ( I could just endlessly write on her all day.. not going to solve anything) so yea have to force myself now otherwise I am going to be stuck in this "routine" I've made for myself like I am stuck in my own negative zone..... yesterday didnt hurt so bad but yea now I am getting withdrawal to check my email which sucks .. did manage to NEARLY finish my review which was good but still not good enough in my book.... so gradual progress is progress in in itself I guess..

 

RIGHT gonna try and make this day as productive as possible.. might update myself tonight.. but until then I have to get some work done before my japanese tutor tans my hide..

 

Shoushi would be the best response for my current stage of japanese knowledge... ( not even sure if thats right XD.. god I suck..)

[IfiKnewThen]

thank you for your updates. hopefully it has the duel affect of not only helping you but helping others. it seems to be the case. its been a long time since i was in school, but i still remember all the demands and pressure of it. and the fact that she attends your university, and has now occupied a lot of your thoughts, i am sure makes it that much harder.

 

but again i think you're doing really well under the circumstances. and like i said you're human...naturally, you are going to be tempted to look at that email and hope. and crazy as it sounds i am even wondering if she wrote anything. just keep going, that's all you can do. if you ever break temptation dont go too hard on yourself. but i know you can do it. its not easy, but that one day at a time thing/thinking ..does help.

 

and although you missed getting rings some from friends or one group, it nice you will get to see one friend on tues. i really think getting out as much as you can in social settings help a lot. have a better day and ill bet you write good fiction in your fiction classes (if i understood that right). you should get all A's in writing!

[TheJiltedGeneration]

um ty, though atm I guess I am getting Bs.. lol.. ( marking system is different to grades but like numbers, dont ask...) um.. unfortunately I did check my email ( well sort off I had to approve of my details for joining this japanese forum via hotmail, but yea it still meant I gave into the temptation of looking) and surprise surprise.. she hasn't emailed me.. ( at this point I dont think she will after like 6 months..). *sigh*... she was quite the b*tch to me... yet.. I still miss her....

[TheJiltedGeneration]

*sigh* another one of those days I promised myself I would do something productive today but only managed to do like half a hours worth of japanese revision and no c/w.. I've got two days till reading week is over and tbh I think I might be reaching abit of a boiling point, I'm fed up with the inertia of my life that was instigated by me and has been pervading my life ever since she left..., when I know she has moved on entirely.

 

For some reason today I've just been fixating on my previous emails to her ( on my hotmail not on facebook or anything) , wondering why? why did she feel like this? why did she just dramatically "change" her attitude towards me rather starkly? why hasnt she still called.. does this mean nothing..? is this honestly IT!!?? I know she never had feelings for me..

but for the first few months it seemed almost perfect, and we seemed really close... maybe it was just as friends.. I donno ...but its just ... I just hate this suitation you know.. and if I know this would have been the fallout I would have never bothered with her in the first place.. hell I would give anything just to prevent myself from ever associating with her if I am such a modicum element to her life after all we've been through..

 

... I can't make rhyme nor reason to why this could just handwave me like this.. like I was never there.. after all my anhedonia after all I've suffered emotionally and she's able to maintain the high feather, and act completely jovial and saccharine, like we never met at all.... I guess I still havent checked her web pages but I know if I did I would get this impression fortified .... *sigh* I guess I know I should let go .. but I just can't ..

Edited November 9, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[IfiKnewThen]

gosh, we can all understand this.... all too well. as i read it wow...the only thing is you describe this horrible feeling and pain better than most can. how can we have meant nothing? how can someone so easily purge someone out of their life and system as if they never met? isn't that supposed to be reserved for people you hate or are invisible?

 

but when you had good times. genuine feelings, some solid good memories..and so much much more....

or even if you thought she was Ba lot of the time.. to you she filled some need, and at least it felt somewhat satisfying. but i think in your case you're selling yourself short.

 

to fluff it off seems so sickening and insensitive and demoralizing and downright strange.

 

and that's why..in the end.....at least in the very end......when they just fluff us off like that ..they are no longer for us. for them to not be semi friendly or human..is unacceptable. and to be so cavalier about another feelings....omg.

 

they dont deserve the time we give them, in mourning or hoping or analyzing... not now, not with all their indifference to it. but these are also stages of healing and growth for us..because of course none of this feels right to us, and our systems are trying to work this out, and come to gripes with it.

 

for all of us here, the only sensible thing is to come to realize we are truly better off without them. and we can make a new life for ourselves and expect happiness again. and like davester said...make some way to find acceptance. and like i youre human you looked , and you also, had other mail there... and so... you noticed, her mail not being there. (btw i hate to make you check again) but once i actually did get mail and he they changed their address and it went into the spam folder. but spam is only held there for a short time. but i was shocked to see mail and the new address. (it was about my things)

 

i have done that too. not wanted to look at something and think positive.. or be afraid to look that i would find something negative.

 

we are still attached to hope. its so darn hard to let go. its so hard to let the dream go. dreams keep us going. but i guess we need new dreams, new hopes.

 

and its hard to be so angry at someone too. it still leaves us attached to them. somehow we have to detach little by little. its one of THE hardest things i ever had to do. but the benefit will be great, just not to long anymore and finally be rid of what feels like a terrible hold on us. and so many say we just have to keep working on letting go.

 

sorry so long again. will keep it at a sentence the next time. and i hope this makes sense. its 3 am and i am sleepy

[TheJiltedGeneration]

no it made alot of sence d/w..

 

*Sigh* I guess for her this is the easy way out so if she's so desperate to "fluff me off" as you say , by just abruptly ignoring me when its convenient.. then its pretty much clear where she want me in her life right now.. she wont change, not unless this attitude really comes back 180 on her and she knows what it feels like; if she can clearly seem some cause and effect in her callosity that makes her rethink her whole ethos towards people.. she's been lavished like a little disney princess to a extent that she's never had to learn harsh lessons I suppose.. so I guess she's gonna be like this for a long while until she's forced to come out of her shell..

 

I still will forever hate her for this though, especially how she's put me through this emotional calisthenic when it doesnt seem to have affected her at all.. I tried so hard to reach out to her.. but she mearly "bit the hand".. as they say.. every step of the way.. with snide moments such as "so are you going to ask me how I am" and such and when I am caustic back she treats it as if it was uncalled for.. after two years of F****** me about...... well FINE CHARLOTTE STAY IN YOUR F***ING SHELL if your that much of a ingrate towards people... be mollycoddled if thats what a 20 ( nearly 21) year old believes if the best way to lead a life... why bother with you if your going to be so cowardly (yes you are a coward...) ..never once have you stuck your neck out for me or ever tried to explain yourself or communicate when something's wrong unless I F****** ask. when I needed you the most with my anxiety attack in class or when you could see I was downright depressed you would just shrug me off like I was lint on your cardigan.. how cold.. how F****** cold.. you knew if you were in need of someone I would have NEVER been that cold to you (the only reason I ignored you as I keep saying is because I didn't want to be continually strung along and hurt by you ignoring me.. think .. who started the ignoring.... really?).. thats all I've been to you a affliction, GOSH if I am a affliction to you then that doesn't begin to relate to how you made me feel.. for over two years...

 

instead you just ignore me and hope a problem goes away if you just turn your back on it.. where I always returned to you ... trying to resolve it with everything I felt, I've sacrificed so much to try and keep us together but it was'nt me but you who blew it, it was YOU!!... FOR YOU NEVER gave anything back.. your inexorable infantility towards others is attested by how your perception of a "healthy relationship" is in the tangent of me working to keep it afloat while you just sit back and take everything without realizing how much it was breaking me down....

 

you want to know why this relationship failed.. because you were never willing to take half of the responsibility.. because you expected me to add all of the dynamic to the relationship when you had as much responsibility to this as I did... maybe if you weren't so jaded about how I was acting you could have reflected on how you were being a ***hole too.. as believe me the relationship's downfall didn't start with my behavior at all..

 

you never met me half way or even tried to stick your neck out and do something for my sake... you just had perfunctory effort where if it didnt clash with your agenda then you could "incorporate" me in your shopping, movie watching, ect. ( things you could have done on your own, I even wonder when we went out if it was the company that actually mattered to you ....). never have you ONCE arranged anything with me, but instead would just remove yourself from any instance with your drawing or stories because that was the easier excuse, slamming shut any opens doors that I created for you... your way too emotionally ( and in some ways mentally) underdeveloped to be able to maintain a relationship..

 

hell even if we're just friend for that bit longer before I told you how I feel, I bet after "growing bored" you would have just retreated back to your little safe haven because your too RETARDED to know what else to do otherwise.. you could never appreciated what I did for you.... responsibility is definitely not synonymous with your name at all.. ( hell with that in mind I don't even want to begin to think what your idea of a decent lover would be.. I think the closest thing I could think of is a foot stool..)

 

so yea I know you'll never read this, but all it would have took is more (enthusiastic) communication, thats all I asked for.. but clearly that was too much for a girl ( NOT WOMAN A LITTLE GIRL!!!) suffering from Puella aeterna like you... just wait till you grow older..... alot of harsh lessons are lying for you ahead.. lessons you should have learned ages ago in your teens.

 

The people on this site are right... no matter what I did wrong, and even though I did do wrong ( and I admit I did alot of wrong.. see thats what a grown up does accept his wrong doing, and believe me I tried to remedy it..) you always shifted the blame to me, you never stood forward and took any of the blame for yourself, all you could do is delegate your grievances onto me, because that's how you work, thats why your so alone, not because your a victim of alienation but because you can't BE BOTHERED with people who really care for you...

I guess that mentality speaks for itself, so NO I WONT LET YOU TURN ME INTO A BASKET CASE, not after two years of this.. even if you did read this you would be too delusional to even acknowledge you did wrong as well.. so go back to your little delerium.. I can at least take delight in knowing that your little cloistered fantasy wont protect you for much longer especially when university is over and you will have to make some hard choices in your life..

 

 

 

 

(sorry IFIKnewThen that wasnt directed at you guess it just kind of came out all at once...)

Edited November 11, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[IfiKnewThen]

i know it wasnt towards me. it is what you feel and vented up towards her and unleashed to her in your words here.

 

and my G..d you expressed it so well. it doesnt matter if she 20/21 ...or at what age , getting hurt like this is the same result in feeling, at any age.

 

all i can say is that in reading that she really let you down. you really gave it your all from your disadvantage point. you truly deserve ebtter than this. no kidding.

 

and also ca see, though i have realized this for some time, how the person i loved must have felt. i mean i knew it before but this expression of it was so well put, when you said to your girl, about her perception of a relationship: "is in the tangent of me working to keep it afloat while you just sit back and take everything without realizing how much it was breaking me down....

 

i am sad to say, i did this to someone (in a much different fashion)and didnt realize how i was breaking them down. and youre right, when you do things like that , you cant expect a relationship to survive.

 

i almost feel its not my business because that letter a personal one, but i have to say, i think its so healthy that you put that down in writing and kinda told it like it was, and told her where it is at. even if its to her, here on LS . i felt your frustration and i even felt my own, some things you said i wanted to say to him, and you nailed what i have been trying to say!

 

because even if i was wrong to be treated the way i was treated in the end....was horrible, the insensitivity. well most us dumpees feel like that.

 

"if she can clearly seem some cause and effect in her callosity that makes her rethink her whole ethos towards people.." and " when I needed you the most........you shrug me off like lint on your cardigan"

 

that kind of treatment resonates so well.

 

anyway you do deserve better any one can understand the frustration. someday though , i can almost promise you, you will look back of her callousness and her being so ill equipped, as she was just immature and clueless. youre right, sadly we learn these lessons as time goes on. but you wish some people had basic skills how to treat others. but look, i am older and still knowing better, i made these horrible mistakes.

 

i know there is someone out there so much better and deserving of your love. and no one knows when, but the odds are great, that youre gonna find her. because youre smart and have too much to give to not find her.

she will be a much better fit.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

Thanks IfIknewThen.. tbh it felt really good just letting some pent up anger in a semi-healthy fashion like you said.. maybe if you felt like you wanted to say something but knew it was best to not say directly to him at this stage , you should vent on here too (hell do it on this page if you dont feel like you want to do it on a new one, idm...).. it kind of helped.. and kind of got a high afterwards .. maybe not exactly empowering but that close to how I felt..

 

but yea dont worry too much about the past, y you and I are aware we made mistakes in our respective relationships and are genuinely thoughtful towards it... so that at least showing that you genuinely care about that person.. not sure I can say the same to them ( I need to check out your back story give me a link if you have the time =)..

 

but yea its surprising how the same type of people seem to manifest in each break up or problem relating to some of the unlucky ones on this site.. It's surprising how relationships can fail because of a lack of basic skills such as empathy; empathy seem to be in such short supply with our significant others..

 

Obviously in every relationship no matter what, one person is allways going to love the other more than they love them, but I still wonder what people feel they obtain if they treat each "lover" with a level of distance.. I guess really they just dont want to be alone and love the idea of being in a relationship but not the person they are with.. if that make sence.. kind of explains why some people are quite comfortable being promiscuous.. but thats not really genuine love.. though in my case it was just the person didnt really care if they were alone or not really, but maybe she( which you and davestarr also said in a earlier posts) just liked how I was putting her in the limelight and was just in it for the attention and adoration I guess..

 

peoples semantics for relationships can be really messed up I guess..

 

but yea post me a link to your story, you've been helping me alot and I am REALLY thankful you've stuck around to help me through my kind of adjustment of being away from her, even though my emotions are kind of fighting the idea still. even when I just seem to whine a lot... think its only fair I hear you out.. I may not be able to give completely sage advice but I find the extra voice definitely makes you feel less alone.. hell come on to the coping room sometime if u want a chat ( some people can be ....childish on there but the general folk on their are really nice and receptive, and the mod is working on keeping the childish people out so come on down =) )

[TheJiltedGeneration]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t284849/ heres the link to the chat site, give me a nudge if you see me on there and we can chat if u need it, and if you want maybe exchange emails if we cant chat often... (I've already exchanged details with one guy from LS but havent heard back from him for a while so abit worried he's reverting back to her or something) Edited November 11, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[IfiKnewThen]

wow, i didnt realize there was a coping room. thank you for that link. i will look into it. i appreciate it and your kind nature and compassion to want to be of any help. thats nice of you. i have an older pc and try not to put too much on it because, as an escape, and b/c i like it of course, i play (dont laugh) a medieval mmorpg game, so i try not (not very computer savvy so may not explain this right ,and use the wrong terms) download too many things... or put anything on my pc that might make it go haywire. i know you say chat room too but it is mass ppl on video chat? lol dont laugh at me too hard or think i am completely ignorant of the computer world.

 

but anyway, the coping room, sounds like a good way to interact and relate to different people and know you're not alone. (sounds like) i just dont do much on my pc but come here and play that game. i dont even download stuff really b/c my pc is a big part of my vehicle to the world. you know emails...etc. fb family and stuff the game. lol the game helps me get my frustrations out. i have a disability and although i do get out and do things...etc. the pc has been a huge part of my life for years since being struck with this condition. but yes, just to give you more background sometime maybe exchange an email , somehow. i have pm but i think you have to be on here a while to get that. anyway kind of you to suggest and recommend all of the above. thank you .

 

i did think of venting in the form of writing pented up stuff. i used to write poetry..but that just gets me depressed now lol. although its been almost a year and a half now, and i have come a long way, there are times where i still can seem like yesterday and very much fresh. and unfortunately because i had to get my belongings back...stuff he held in storage for me..there was contact in regards to that which came up in that 1 1/2 time. which of course made it feel more like yesterday..so its true N/C ..pushes the time period away from you quicker helping one to heal faster i am sure.

 

but yes your idea is a good one for certain. venting here. writing that letter venting of sorrow etc. i am so glad it aided you i can see how penting up that was. and i thought as i was reading it. hes doing a good thing, getting it out like this. so good job for sure.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

wow, i didnt realize there was a coping room. thank you for that link. i will look into it. i appreciate it and your kind nature and compassion to want to be of any help. thats nice of you. i have an older pc and try not to put too much on it because, as an escape, and b/c i like it of course, i play (dont laugh) a medieval mmorpg game, so i try not (not very computer savvy so may not explain this right ,and use the wrong terms) download too many things... or put anything on my pc that might make it go haywire. i know you say chat room too but it is mass ppl on video chat? lol dont laugh at me too hard or think i am completely ignorant of the computer world.

 

but anyway, the coping room, sounds like a good way to interact and relate to different people and know you're not alone. (sounds like) i just dont do much on my pc but come here and play that game. i dont even download stuff really b/c my pc is a big part of my vehicle to the world. you know emails...etc. fb family and stuff the game. lol the game helps me get my frustrations out. i have a disability and although i do get out and do things...etc. the pc has been a huge part of my life for years since being struck with this condition. but yes, just to give you more background sometime maybe exchange an email , somehow. i have pm but i think you have to be on here a while to get that. anyway kind of you to suggest and recommend all of the above. thank you .

 

i did think of venting in the form of writing pented up stuff. i used to write poetry..but that just gets me depressed now lol. although its been almost a year and a half now, and i have come a long way, there are times where i still can seem like yesterday and very much fresh. and unfortunately because i had to get my belongings back...stuff he held in storage for me..there was contact in regards to that which came up in that 1 1/2 time. which of course made it feel more like yesterday..so its true N/C ..pushes the time period away from you quicker helping one to heal faster i am sure.

 

but yes your idea is a good one for certain. venting here. writing that letter venting of sorrow etc. i am so glad it aided you i can see how penting up that was. and i thought as i was reading it. hes doing a good thing, getting it out like this. so good job for sure.

d/w I used to play Final Fantasy 11 alot which is a mmorpg too =D ( what mmorpg do u play just curious) and did so straight after my break up as a way to pan it out of my thoughts I guess.. ( but got to a point where I got the best armor in the game that.. well I just felt i wasn't really getting anything out of the game.. but yea I digress..)

 

the room isnt like a video chat room (though individuals can opt to use their own camera to chat if they want, you dont have to do it or nothing) but its kinda like a regular text based chat room.. can be completely anonymous so it good to check in there once in a while.. ( also u can chat to people individually if you want, I am gonna go on there for a bit now like.. ) but yea.. a year and a half of NC is definitely something I would like to aspire too, even now I still get urges to email her or see how shes doing but in the long run its going to make thing worse so best to stick with this ...

 

I know what you mean about the poetry, tbh I was ABOUT to summit one for workshop with some rather tenuous attempts at subtlety to see if she would notice, but it never got finished cause well, I guess it was too bloated with emotion it kind of lost its meaning.. but also while I was doing the poetry it was making me feel even worse about myself because having to conjure and be pensive about the subtext in each line, well it gave me more fresh memories of my circumstances with my ex to think about( especially when thinking of elaborate ways to express each line just meant more time used to think about her.. yea not good..) ...so that wasn't really remedying at all..

[IfiKnewThen]

"but also while I was doing the poetry it was making me feel even worse about myself because having to conjure and be pensive about the subtext in each line, well it gave me more fresh memories of my circumstances with my ex to think about( especially when thinking of elaborate ways to express each line just meant more time used to think about her.. yea not good..) ...so that wasn't really remedying at all.."

 

 

omg once again you described it perfectly. thats exactly why i can't write poetry now. i know pain has been the inspiration of masters for centuries especially with poetry and song. but it brings me into the sadness i can feel too much. still too raw. so i will take a look into the room sometime. how do u know who is who if annon? .. any live chat?

 

again forgive my ignorance.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

what i mean is you'll know if they are from LS by name and stuff but its anon in the fact that there is no live as in video cam chat but just text based chat ( its not like skype but like.. I donno msn I guess... or any typical chat site)...

[IfiKnewThen]

ok thank you. hope all is well.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

well semi-update, not much of a point in this but since its been... 2 days since I've felt really low, might as well post here now for piece of mind.. so yea.. its been just over a month since I've check anything last.. whats good is I've started to be comfortable being alone for the most part, DO NOT fancy another relationship after this one really confirmed some ugly things to me, but whats great is my emotions have started to catch up with this rhetoric as well.. so I dont feel so depressed being alone and w/o her.. still I have moments where I really want her back or wonder if she's thinking about me in any respect, but my sence of reason is starting to solidify somewhat with those feelings.. only tonight do I feel really low right now, but not to the point of anxiety... maybe its because tomorrow I have a lesson just after her, ( and believe me I'll still wait till the last second to go in so I dont bump into her...) ... I donno.. I might just hang with a friend before hand actually. my thoughts of her seem to now be early in the morning and dead at night ( around 9pm-10pm) before I drift off.. probably as they are the periods where I provide myself with downtime before any given activity that keeps me occupied ( well sort of tbh I've been bashing away on xbox live with street fighter all the time XD) .... I do need to get my ass in gear with my japanese though so gonna do that tommorrow as well

 

...hmm... the transitions really weird, I do still miss her somewhat, but I am not as afraid of the door closing shut behind me either.. and for good.. I guess not to beat around the bush I can say I am not quite over her... but from the standpoint of the viability of a relationship reconciliation I would say I am over her....

[IfiKnewThen]

you sound like youre really doing good. thinking about her less. coping better.

 

and i know what you mean about the gaming, to keep busy. and morning and night thoughts, of them. youre really better off that you avoid her, looks like. somehow, i have great confidence that you will beat this thing 100%. time....

 

time, in all due time

[TheJiltedGeneration]

so yea my emotions are going through a flux not to dissimular to a rollercoster.. ( weak approximation really.. can't quite express it) today feeling that this is all untenable.. the hope of reconciliation, a hope that she still in her own way thinks about me or perhaps misses me, though the lack of any emails on her part proves this to be a wasteful exercise in quixotic thinking.... I know she never had any feeling but still the idea she was so detached from me after everything before our little online clash... it just .... it feels so unreal and even when I know she never had any inclin of love for me... even though ITS RIGHT THERE INFRONT OF ME SHE IS A VERY SIMPLE WOMAN WHEN IT COMES TO NEEDS ALL SHE WANTS IS NEW GAMES, SHOWS, ECT, nothing more..... still it feels there was something there, just somehow she lost grip of it... like underneath or something repressed in her.. was something.. but yea I am just being self-serving with these thoughts.. its OBVIOUS she didnt really think that much of me and was just being moderately polite with my advances as a means to keep me at bay.... when she had to at least....

 

that radiohead song "there there" seems to resonate with me.. especially the words

"just cause you feel it... doesnt mean its there " as that pretty much succinctly describes what I am feeling right now.. something wishful, chimerical yet the evidence against it is right there...

no need to rubberneck or dissect every posssible situation, scenario or assumption, theres no need.. because her actions are loud and clear.. she does not care about you... and after two years of doing this on and off.. it should be abundently clear that she never will...

 

in how I am coping... I think this will pass. as I've been engaged in part time- work today, as its kind of basic labor , I dont really have to concentrate on what I am doing so my mind switches to default, which means my mind is preoccupied on other things.. so maybe thats why I am so depressed today... cause I've given my mind a chance to captivate itself on her... when previously I've always been doing something .. maybe not productive but in it's own right it helps...

 

 

I'll get there just I still need a place of sanctuary and expression I guess...

Edited November 19, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[IfiKnewThen]

just.....how in the heck are you "?

[TheJiltedGeneration]

wow surprised you would remember me, how ya been IfiKnewThen =)?

 

anyway.. um realised now that I cannot get her back and lamenting about it wont get me anywhere, so started self improving... picking up japanese and to keep my body and mindset healthy decided to take up more exercise ( tried to get toned I guess lol, though tbh the yule tide season .. isn't quite the right time to take it up, but don't put off tommorrow what you can do now I guess) sometimes I do weave back and forth into emotions, but they fade, and I come back on here when I feel down just to read a few of davestarr, yours and a few other old comments that gave me a pick me up... ( kind of miss the guy but its for the best..)

the absolute in my life is she's gone and ain't coming back, I have to be wary of myself relapsing into fits of desire which is unfortunately going to linger in the background abit, but I think the exercise the japanese and other stuff will reap great rewards if I start doing them now.. trying to live in the present not the past or future ( yea clique but I need to keep myself that way..)

 

not the most laconic response I know but basically in a nut shell.. I am doing better... yourself?

[moosekaka]

hi jiltedgeneration;

 

I just read your entire thread, and I would like to share my experience as I am a graduate student in university who just had a falling out/breakup (personal AND professional) with an undergrad in my lab whom I was mentorin (i know the ethical dilemmas etc but I was not personally responsible for grading her just working with her on projects which were tangential to mine).

 

 

some background: hired her in early March this year, did not feel anything until sometime in early May when I took her to attend a surgical procedure at a teaching hospital and got to talk to her a little more while driving there. Got really close during the summer as we were working together closely all the time (every working hour almost) and went out with her a bunch of times (dinner,lunch,drink,a trip to a museum, mini golf etc, I paid for everything). Also had coffee breaks/lunch breaks with her almost everyday (i admit this I insisted on/manipulated her to so i could talk to her during non working hours). Though we didn't call these 'dates' it was practically it in all but name, never got physical with her though.

 

Suffice to say we had very good chemistry (someone even remarked that we talked like an old married couple), but once the fall quarter started, she started to withdraw as her schedule became busy and what's more, I was tasked to TA one of her class and so she said we had to maintain some distance. I never graded her exams personally though. And only conducted discussion sessions with her class attending a bunch of times.

 

Things went south as I started to miss more of how we interacted in the summer and became clingy and demanding emotionally. I started to freak out more and more over the littlest things, I acted really immature (note that I was previously in a LTR 4 years ago). Of course this only made her withdraw further and in a vicious cycle I finally snapped and we had a massive falling out/quarrel in the lab and finally she told our professor she no longer wanted to work with me. A week later I had a calm 20 minutes conversation alone with her where I practically begged her to reconsider and give me another chance, but of course she said no and her decision was final, and that our relationship should be purely professional.

 

Well as you can imagine, I was a mess emotionally and mentally, I even resigned from my position as a graduate student, but luckily the professor gave me time to reconsider and I withdrew my resignation and instead switched my office to another lab. I have been pretty much NC with her since that 20 minute convo, and with finals, and the holidays I haven't seen her in more than a month. I probably wont see her again until some time in january, but at the moment I am trying my best to ensure I don't bump into her as I don't feel ready yet.

[moosekaka]

I can totally relate to your feeling the lack of motivation/drive to work, what is worse in my case is that I have to do the work I used to do with her alone by myself, and feeling stupid/resentful because I know I brought the situation on myself. Thus, waking up to go to the lab has been really really difficult every morning. It takes me like two hours after waking before i can drag myself out of bed and get going, during that time I am just curled up in a ball thinking about her, regretting my actions, feeling incredible sorrow and fear of how am I going to get through and finish my work and get through this.

 

I have gone to see a therapist weekly for about a month and it does help, along with various steps I am doing improve myself. Number one I realize is that I was not happy with myself, and that is why I became so clingy as I depended on her for my happiness. I had no support network and was stewing and growing resentful when I felt ignored. I have started to try to expand my social sphere, as I suffer from some social anxiety.

 

I have taken up yoga seriously,concentrating on the meditation/mental part of the exercises to help me stay focus on the present. I have signed up to volunteer as a guide in an animal shelter in January. I am signed up to bungee jump on new year's day (facing my fears exercise). And after forcing myself to attend a party where I knew no one, I realized how useful dancing is as a social skill. So I am taking some hip hop classes at a dance studio. Also working out everyday in the gym has helped my physique and mental mood, although not fix my lack of drive/motivation or trouble getting up in the morning.

 

I still miss her very much and still catch myself grinning when I think of some of our funny moments together. I think where I differ from you is that my ex was nicer to me than yours, she was not as stunted as your ex was (although she was moody too) and I was more at fault than you were. Its this mix of shame, guilt and regret that makes it so difficult for me to forgive myself. Also there's a 10 year age gap between us and that makes it so much harder for me process things.

Edited December 21, 2011 by moosekaka

[TheJiltedGeneration]

moosekaka: its really weird how these things work in its own mechanic, especially when that "spark" seems to indicate in every possible way that you and a another person could be so much more.. then they just seem to "grow out" of you

 

massive thing I've learnt from nearly all the f*** ups with girls I've had..

 

If they stop talking to you or making the effort and start keeping you at arms length or only talk when convenient .. then they really are not interested in anymore.. no what ifs, or ulterior reasons that holds them back, just the straight up truth as the silence and distance is a shorthand for their disinterest. All of the girls I was with did that, they don't really approach the issue and hope distancing themselves from any mess left behind is the surefire way of not having to deal with the latent affection from the other person.

 

In short if they stop making the effort then they have definately moved on.. and forget any meaningful attachment they once had.. I like you got worked up by it and did approach her hot and heavy... but in the end she only liked the attention I gave her .. and that was that. when I look back the fact that she clearly forgot my birthday even when she was having dinner with me on the day should be a indication of how much she cared. If I acknowledged that red flag then (two years ago) I wouldn't be in basketcase I was for the following years after... but yea basically mate rule of thumb:

 

if anyone girl/boy does not attempt contact, even with excuses like being buzy or w/e ( which is bull**** as if they really cared they would make time for you..) then you MUST assume that they are not interested anymore ( and thats a MUST with a capital M) otherwise your going to do this maudlin emotional waltz of death with this person who will evade the issue more and more until months into the whole ordeal, months you've wasted on her/him being coy, evasive and half-hearted...(and even manipulative), something has to give and you just blow your gasket.

 

I hear ya pain man but from this collective experience we can at least ascertain the clear warning signs next time ( if ever a next time) we engage in a lover.

 

 

 

also IFiKnewThen.. Pm about how you;ve been or link a thread.. can't seem to find nada on ya recent status... would like to know your ok too.. =)

Edited December 21, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[moosekaka]

moosekaka: its really weird how these things work in its own mechanic, especially when that "spark" seems to indicate in every possible way that you and a another person could be so much more.. then they just seem to "grow out" of you

 

actually in my case this girl actually did straight up told me "whenever a guy gets clingy with me I just don't want to be around that person". And I knew this too from previous experience, that the mature thing to do would have been to let her be and have her space.

 

The difficulty was that we were colleagues and had to work with each other, and there in lies the problem.....I could not get any space/distance from her and if we were working together, I had to put up with her refusing to engage with me in anything other than a professional manner. A stronger/more mature/secure person would have been able to make her feel safe, instead I freaked out and acted out.

 

The best advice I have seen on LS is that when you are happy with yourself you won't need anybody to make you feel happy and that's when you can best be in a position to have a healthy adult relationship. Then again I am now reading up on ACT therapies where they teach you about the futility of pursuing happiness and instead practice 'mindfullness'. See Harris's 'The Happiness trap' book, this is what I am reading now.