MM is happily married??

[curious5]

I met a guy a month ago at a mutual friend's party.

 

We spent the entire evening flirting and enjoying each other's company. it turns out he lives several blocks away from me and he ended up walking me home. we spent an additional 4 hours together after the party making out/heavy petting etc. at my house.

 

I had all kinds of crazy "love at first sight" sorts of feelings. I knew he was married, but somehow i just seemed to block it out of my mind. this is incredibly strange and difficult for me to wrap my mind around. usually, the moment I find out that a guy is married he becomes instantly unattractive to me. I've always thought I was someone who could NEVER be with a married guy just out of sheer respect for the wife.

 

At the end of the night, we made plans to meet for coffee a couple days later. By then my mind was spinning! I felt this strong "connection" to him but I knew it would be ridiculous to let anything move forward. I did agree to the coffee date though. i wanted to tell him that we needed to stop it before it started, but I also wanted to make sure he didn't feel embarrassed or uncomfortable around me because we run in the same circles professionally, socially and in the community.

 

So I met him for coffee and he agreed that it wasn't a good idea for us to have any sort of affair and that his marriage wasn't on the rocks or anything. He says he's never done anything like this before. We agreed to be just friends and business acquaintances. We exchanged a couple biz related emails/texts, but haven't seen or talked to eachother since then.

 

Then a couple of days ago he invited me out for an early dinner/drinks. We met at a nice place in our neighborhood. I really tried to convince myself that this was going to be an innocent casual happy hour with a friend. But of course I was kidding myself. It was a matter of minutes before the flirting was getting intense and another make-out session was on.... for 7 hours. Followed by an even more intimate encounter.

 

Anyway, I know there's no future in this. But I admit, i wish there was. I'm confused about how my morals seem to have just flown out the window. I'm also INCREDIBLY curious about how a guy in a seemingly happy marriage does this sort of thing. Especially with someone like me who is so intertwined with his community and professional life. Pretty ballsy and almost wreckless of him. They've been married for 3 years and together for 12. Is he just getting a little bored?

[whichwayisup]

He isn't up for grabs so he shouldn't be offering himself up to you. You know this and know he's married, happily enough that he has no intention of an affair (one that will lead to love and possibly leaving/divorcing his wife) and he obviously IS very aware what he's doing is wrong.. BUT .. He is selfish and enjoying the ego feed, the new exciting thrill that a new person brings along.

 

The choice is yours and I DO hope you take time to think this through and TALK to your family, friends that you are close to.

 

Ask yourself why you'd fall for someone who cannot give you anything back? Sure you'll probably have hot sex, but he will NEVER be your boyfriend, someone you can bring home, someone you can talk about openly and feel good about it. You'll be his lie, his hidden secret, see and talk to him on his terms, when he has time for you.

 

Does he have children?

 

RUN. Please don't do this..You deserve love, just not with someone who already has a life built with someone else.

[whichwayisup]

I'm also INCREDIBLY curious about how a guy in a seemingly happy marriage does this sort of thing. Especially with someone like me who is so intertwined with his community and professional life. Pretty ballsy and almost wreckless of him.

 

Stop worrying about his reasonings, and worry more about your own. Flip this and ask yourself the exact same question? Why would YOU get invovled with a MM, someone who is entwined in your life, professionally and in the community? Don't put all this on him, you're just as willing as he is. You have no control over what he may think or do. You can only control what you think and do.

 

Sorry, but it's ballsy of you and wreckless of you to knowingly get involved with someone who is married, and you even said MM are a turn off,

 

I've always thought I was someone who could NEVER be with a married guy just out of sheer respect for the wife.

 

So, where is the respect for his wife? For yourself???

[whichwayisup]

I'm confused about how my morals seem to have just flown out the window

 

Because you're wanting what you want and letting your heart and feelings and sexual lust rule over your head and gut.

[curious5]

He isn't up for grabs so he shouldn't be offering himself up to you. You know this and know he's married, happily enough that he has no intention of an affair (one that will lead to love and possibly leaving/divorcing his wife) and he obviously IS very aware what he's doing is wrong.. BUT .. He is selfish and enjoying the ego feed, the new exciting thrill that a new person brings along.

 

The choice is yours and I DO hope you take time to think this through and TALK to your family, friends that you are close to.

 

Ask yourself why you'd fall for someone who cannot give you anything back? Sure you'll probably have hot sex, but he will NEVER be your boyfriend, someone you can bring home, someone you can talk about openly and feel good about it. You'll be his lie, his hidden secret, see and talk to him on his terms, when he has time for you.

 

Does he have children?

 

RUN. Please don't do this..You deserve love, just not with someone who already has a life built with someone else.

 

Thank you I know you are right. I'm just disappointed in myself by not being more motivated by the fact that he is somebody else's husband. Until now, I've actually prided myself in the fact that I've never come close to even flirting with another woman's boyfriend let alone touching someone's husband! i'm sad that I can never say that about myself again. And baffled by the fact that I can't seem to shake him off of my mind.

P.S. No, they do not have children.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you I know you are right. I'm just disappointed in myself by not being more motivated by the fact that he is somebody else's husband. Until now, I've actually prided myself in the fact that I've never come close to even flirting with another woman's boyfriend let alone touching someone's husband! i'm sad that I can never say that about myself again. And baffled by the fact that I can't seem to shake him off of my mind.

P.S. No, they do not have children.

 

Look, you can end this. You haven't invested months and years into him. You're attached to him, and it won't be easy to end but the pain you'll feel now will be so much easier to deal with, heal quicker than you having that A with him and getting more attached, used to him in your life. Bottomline is, he is married and that's not going to change.

 

I'm glad that you're aware of all this and hopefully will do the right thing.

 

Tell him you can't do this and it's wrong. I mean, imagine his wife catching you two..how shi.tty would you (both) feel then?

[Barrsitter]

"If they're doing it with you, they'll do it to you."

Dr. Phil

[aerogurl87]

They've been married for 3 years and together for 12. Is he just getting a little bored?

 

This says it all, sounds to me like he actually isn't into commitment if it took him 9 years to tie the knot with his wife. I'm also sure you're not the first and surely not the last girl he's made out with, only to say he's happily married and that he doesn't want an affair. The truth is, he doesn't want drama in his life and by feeding you and every other woman who makes themselves available to him this line, he guarantees himself a life of cake eating.

[FirstNobleTruth]

Listen, I'm a BW whose H had an A at a time when our M was very happy. He, too, told the OW that he was happily married and would never leave me. He was telling her the truth about that. Now that we are reconciled and I have long since had access to all their texts and messages, I can see that she had a hard time believing he was happy in his M if he would have an affair, and especially if he would take "such a risk for her". She suffered a lot during the affair, and after.

 

We all did, actually.

 

Don't buy into the idea that you guy's being "ballsy and reckless" proves that you mean more to him than a fling. I too had many hard Qs for my H about why he would take such a gigantic, foolish, pointless risk with our marriage and my love. His answer? "I didn't think I would get caught."

 

The fact that you two are entangled professionally and socially means that YOU run the risk of isolation and humiliation in every part of your life if you two get caught. Why would YOU take such a risk?

 

And lastly, you might ask yourself whether you would be so into this guy if he WEREN'T married. I know you think the answer is No because of your heretofore impeccable morals. But so far it's been two 8-hour dates characterized by heavy flirting and physical intimacy. Does this portend a great relationship to you? Or does it sound more like one of those things that turn empty and baffling after the first or second argument, leaving you feel used and stupid?

 

Don't underestimate the thrill that comes from the illusion that a man who is committed to someone or something else would throw it all away because he's overcome with passion for you.

 

This man has already told you he won't give you his heart. Please, protect yours.

[ksm]

"If they're doing it with you, they'll do it to you."

Dr. Phil

:oI am currently on the other side of all this, happily married 7 years an recently had an encounter with another taken man, I find it hard to live with myself, but also hard to walk away from either. I know that sounds bad, I really have had strong morals up until now, Its like a bad addiction.

[norajane]

I knew he was married, but somehow i just seemed to block it out of my mind. this is incredibly strange and difficult for me to wrap my mind around. usually, the moment I find out that a guy is married he becomes instantly unattractive to me. I've always thought I was someone who could NEVER be with a married guy just out of sheer respect for the wife.

 

Why are you so desperate for him that you are sabotaging your emotional health by running after him when he calls?

[whichwayisup]

:oI am currently on the other side of all this, happily married 7 years an recently had an encounter with another taken man, I find it hard to live with myself, but also hard to walk away from either. I know that sounds bad, I really have had strong morals up until now, Its like a bad addiction.

 

Can ask why you'd risk your marriage, the life as you know it, the love, faith and trust your husband has for someone else? Or is it a case of believing that you won't get caught too? or didn't think of consquences/don't care about the fallout?

 

I hope you're able to end your A and fix yourself, and your marriage. Or divorce..Please don't continue cheating and stay married.

[Gentlegirl]

None of your questions is relevant really.

 

The only one you need to ask yourself is "is he married?"

 

The answer to that tells you what is important.

 

Don't get sucked in. I was in an A for 3 years and it's a long painful process to find a way out of the pain at the end.

 

Better for you to put it behind you this very minute.

 

GG

[Choose Life]

Please stop this now and walk away. You sound so similar to me, I would never look twice at anyone married. Then I just connected with a married guy, blocked out he was married, and entered into an A. I so wish someone had told me to walk, before I fell in love with him. Of course it ended, and I was left in hell, self esteem gone and I have never felt so low in my life. You have a choice, he is married, it's not a live happily ever after. This was my first and last A, most have to be burned to learn, but I'm hoping you listen and walk away and save yourself the pain.

[curious5]

Please stop this now and walk away. You sound so similar to me, I would never look twice at anyone married. Then I just connected with a married guy, blocked out he was married, and entered into an A. I so wish someone had told me to walk, before I fell in love with him. Of course it ended, and I was left in hell, self esteem gone and I have never felt so low in my life. You have a choice, he is married, it's not a live happily ever after. This was my first and last A, most have to be burned to learn, but I'm hoping you listen and walk away and save yourself the pain.

 

Thank you! I hear you and I am not going to let anything happen with him again. I guess my post here is mostly because I am bewildered by my own behavior and inappropriate feelings. And I think my curiosity about what goes through a happily married man's mind when he's persuing other women is because it makes me wonder if that's something to worry about if I ever get married (I am 41 and never made it to the alter, so chances are probably slim at this point, but you never know!)

[OpenBook]

I guess my post here is mostly because I am bewildered by my own behavior and inappropriate feelings.

 

He's hot, he's attracted to YOU, and you're human. Don't beat yourself up over it. But you're right to examine your behavior. Inappropriate feelings are going to happen, simply because we are all human (whether we admit it or not). Our behavior is the only thing we can really control. Some of us do it better than others. Your MM, for example, would definitely fall into the "others" category. He doesn't sound like a good long-term bet for any woman. He can't stop chasing skirt!

 

As for you, you have to be true to yourself. No matter what anyone else says or does. Where will you take your stand on your own code of ethics & behavior? You are the only person who can make that call. Others will follow suit.

 

And I think my curiosity about what goes through a happily married man's mind when he's persuing other women is because it makes me wonder if that's something to worry about if I ever get married (I am 41 and never made it to the alter, so chances are probably slim at this point, but you never know!)

 

Yes, I believe that IS something to worry about for any woman who is faced with walking down the aisle. You SURE you want to ride that ride?

 

(I'm sure it's a consideration for men as well... but I can only put myself in a woman's shoes.)

[findingnemo]

Thank you! I hear you and I am not going to let anything happen with him again. I guess my post here is mostly because I am bewildered by my own behavior and inappropriate feelings. And I think my curiosity about what goes through a happily married man's mind when he's persuing other women is because it makes me wonder if that's something to worry about if I ever get married (I am 41 and never made it to the alter, so chances are probably slim at this point, but you never know!)

 

Hi Curious 5,

 

Yes, your behaviour was appalling and shocking. Do you know? I think most people find themselves shocked to be in these situations. But as most people here have advised, please don't let this go any farther. If you get out now, it won't hurt anything like if you get more involved. If you do get married, your H may or may not cheat. What goes through a man or woman's mind when they cheat depends on the circumstances. If it happens, you'll deal with it then. For now, you have an opportunity to not have an A and to not be an OW. If you stop now, it'd be a fling of sorts.

[Mme. Chaucer]

In no way condoning, but I can empathesize with how the party make-out got started and happened, and even understand how you decided that the coffee date was a good idea.

 

The "dinner as friends," though, was you making a very conscious and active choice to move towards having an affair with the married guy.

 

I'm sure you know that really, single people rarely have innocent evening dates with a married person with whom they've just had a big make-out session.

 

I'm not highlighting this to beat you up. I just want to you look at your own behavior, because if you really think you went into that dinner believing it was "innocent" then you are at real risk of doing something just like this again very soon with the guy.

 

It's not too late to really just say "NO" to yourself. Don't try to be "friends." You two are no friends to one another. Just be polite if you can't avoid contact, and make conscious effort to keep your distance. If you are serious about nipping this in the bud.

[curious5]

In no way condoning, but I can empathesize with how the party make-out got started and happened, and even understand how you decided that the coffee date was a good idea.

 

The "dinner as friends," though, was you making a very conscious and active choice to move towards having an affair with the married guy.

 

I'm sure you know that really, single people rarely have innocent evening dates with a married person with whom they've just had a big make-out session.

 

I'm not highlighting this to beat you up. I just want to you look at your own behavior, because if you really think you went into that dinner believing it was "innocent" then you are at real risk of doing something just like this again very soon with the guy.

 

It's not too late to really just say "NO" to yourself. Don't try to be "friends." You two are no friends to one another. Just be polite if you can't avoid contact, and make conscious effort to keep your distance. If you are serious about nipping this in the bud.

 

Out of everyone who has commented so far I think you have the best insight into what happened and how to handle from here on . Thank you so much! (Saved me a trip to my shrink LOL )

[norajane]

Thank you! I hear you and I am not going to let anything happen with him again.

 

How will you do that? Have you told him you don't want to see him again? Will you turn down all invitations to "innocent dinners" or "innocent coffee"? Will you stop talking with him? What will you do if you run into him at a party?

 

I guess my post here is mostly because I am bewildered by my own behavior and inappropriate feelings.

 

That is something you should think about. These feelings are not some magical bolt of lightning that means you two are supposed to be together. Understand yourself better, and demystify your actions and reactions - that will defuse the excitement you are feeling. It's not magic, and it's not an irresistible force!

 

Single at 41 probably means you've had past relationships, maybe some significant and some otherwise, which tends to create some baggage and issues of your own. Examine your baggage, examine your issues, think about the kind of men you've chosen to be involved with and how that's turned out. Consider if your issues are, now, creating an environment where you are vulnerable.

 

MM have an ability to choose their affair victims based on availability- you are making yourself available, open, and receptive to him, and he can see that. And sometimes based on vulnerability - if you were not vulnerable, you never would have given him the time of day, much less made out with him for hours.

 

And I think my curiosity about what goes through a happily married man's mind when he's persuing other women is because it makes me wonder if that's something to worry about if I ever get married (I am 41 and never made it to the alter, so chances are probably slim at this point, but you never know!)

 

I guess it's good you are thinking about this now, rather than when you are broken-hearted and devastated after your affair is over.

 

But be honest with yourself. Are you interested in what he might be thinking because of some possible future marriage....or because he is so much on your mind and are wondering if he is so very smitten with you....?

[curious5]

How will you do that? Have you told him you don't want to see him again? Will you turn down all invitations to "innocent dinners" or "innocent coffee"? Will you stop talking with him? What will you do if you run into him at a party?

 

I think the best thing for me to do is just ignore any attempts he makes to contact me. If I run into to him at a party I'll be polite, but keep my distance.

 

Single at 41 probably means you've had past relationships, maybe some significant and some otherwise, which tends to create some baggage and issues of your own. Examine your baggage, examine your issues, think about the kind of men you've chosen to be involved with and how that's turned out. Consider if your issues are, now, creating an environment where you are vulnerable.

 

Yes it's definitely something to think about. All but one of my long-term, serious relationships were with men who I knew from the beginning would hurt me in some way or another. Although they have all been charming, smart and sophisticated, I seem to have an eye for the emotionally wounded types who I want to miraculously save, heal their wounds and make happy. (I have never succeeded at this by the way)

 

MM have an ability to choose their affair victims based on availability- you are making yourself available, open, and receptive to him, and he can see that. And sometimes based on vulnerability - if you were not vulnerable, you never would have given him the time of day, much less made out with him for hours.

 

Wow. That's interesting. I hadn't thought of that. Looking back I can see how this makes total sense.

 

 

 

But be honest with yourself. Are you interested in what he might be thinking because of some possible future marriage....or because he is so much on your mind and are wondering if he is so very smitten with you....?

 

I have to say here that I am truly a curious person when it comes to human behavior. especially when I come across something that I've never witnessed before. I'm not wondering if he is smitten with me. I mentioned in an earlier post that he's been on my mind, but I really doubt that I am on his. He seemed sincere when he said his marriage was not on the rocks. I'm guessing he's just going about his life and hopefully feeling remorseful over what happened.

[mzdolphin]

You're pretty naive to think you're the first woman he's ever cheated with.

 

You just happened to be the most recent woman who's made herself available for him to cheat with.

 

 

I was thinking the same thing. If it truly is the first time and he's happy, he wouldn't be so casual about it.

 

I've only been an OW once and it was somebody I dated when we were single. I didn't even know he was married. As soon as I found out the truth, although he declares I'm the only woman he's ever cheated with, I doubt it. I'm thinking how could you just so casually take off your wedding ring when meeting an old flame? You can't. You had to go into the meeting with the intent to deceive.

[mzdolphin]

I was thinking the same thing. If it truly is the first time and he's happy, he wouldn't be so casual about it.

 

I've only been an OW once and it was somebody I dated when we were single. I didn't even know he was married. As soon as I found out the truth, although he declares I'm the only woman he's ever cheated with, I doubt it. I'm thinking how could you just so casually take off your wedding ring when meeting an old flame? You can't. You had to go into the meeting with the intent to deceive.

 

 

Also he had to deceive because he knew I wouldn't date a married man. This guy probably thought the same about you. When you gave him the green light, then he thought, hey what the heck. I know this sounds contrary to what you might believe, but cutting all ties with him will elevate you in his eyes.

 

Once I gave married man the boot, he pursued me like I was an outlaw and he was a US Marshal. Not that you want a future with this guy because he has shown you that even if your relationship is ok, he could and would still cheat on you. Disgusting.