Preemptive dumping

[BSD]

My girlfriend is trying to dump me preemptively. Our relationship is doomed because of ethnic differences (she says her family wouldn't understand) and career demands. I would like to continue the relationship while we are still near each other. She wants to have the pain now rather than later. We both still love each other by mutual admission, but understand our situation is difficult. Is it bad to want to squeeze as much quality time out of what we have left? I would think it would be easier to drift apart when we are physically apart than when we are near to one another.

 

Any thoughts?

[Deejette]

The longer you spend together, the more it will hurt when the breakup finally comes. The man I just broke up with wants to keep it going, but I see no future in it. If we get together to prolong the end-date, we will be physically close again and then it will be very painful to say goodbye.

 

This is the reasoning your girlfriend is using too. People often talk about how hard it is to be dumped, but they rarely discuss how hard it is to be the dumper, especially when you are still in love.

 

All you can do is let her know how much you love and care for her and let her go. If she comes back to you because she decides she can't live without you, great. But you can't force her to reconsider if she sees serious problems up ahead that will come up and smack you both in the face after you have invested time and life in the relationship down the road.

My girlfriend is trying to dump me preemptively. Our relationship is doomed because of ethnic differences (she says her family wouldn't understand) and career demands. I would like to continue the relationship while we are still near each other. She wants to have the pain now rather than later. We both still love each other by mutual admission, but understand our situation is difficult. Is it bad to want to squeeze as much quality time out of what we have left? I would think it would be easier to drift apart when we are physically apart than when we are near to one another. Any thoughts?

[BSD]

Thank you for your input. I have found that all women I discuss this with feel as you and my girlfriend, and all men I speak to, and your ex it appears, agree with me. Uncanny.

The longer you spend together, the more it will hurt when the breakup finally comes. The man I just broke up with wants to keep it going, but I see no future in it. If we get together to prolong the end-date, we will be physically close again and then it will be very painful to say goodbye. This is the reasoning your girlfriend is using too. People often talk about how hard it is to be dumped, but they rarely discuss how hard it is to be the dumper, especially when you are still in love. All you can do is let her know how much you love and care for her and let her go. If she comes back to you because she decides she can't live without you, great. But you can't force her to reconsider if she sees serious problems up ahead that will come up and smack you both in the face after you have invested time and life in the relationship down the road.

[Jenna]

BSD,

 

How long have you been seeing this woman? If it is in the beginning of the relationship- I would think one thing- but if its been going on for some time- I would advise something else. If you would care to elaborate on the time frame- and the details of the problems you mentioned (ethnic and work) I would like to help you.

 

Thanks, Jenna

The longer you spend together, the more it will hurt when the breakup finally comes. The man I just broke up with wants to keep it going, but I see no future in it. If we get together to prolong the end-date, we will be physically close again and then it will be very painful to say goodbye. This is the reasoning your girlfriend is using too. People often talk about how hard it is to be dumped, but they rarely discuss how hard it is to be the dumper, especially when you are still in love. All you can do is let her know how much you love and care for her and let her go. If she comes back to you because she decides she can't live without you, great. But you can't force her to reconsider if she sees serious problems up ahead that will come up and smack you both in the face after you have invested time and life in the relationship down the road.

[BSD]

We have been seeing each other for 7 months with fair amount of physical separation during this summer. She is a first gen American-Greek; I am a typical midwestern Euro mutt. We are both graduate students. I am in the Navy and will be leaving within a few months.

 

I would just like to enjoy the remaining time we have together. I think breaking up would be easier when we are separated by time and space.

 

BSD, How long have you been seeing this woman? If it is in the beginning of the relationship- I would think one thing- but if its been going on for some time- I would advise something else. If you would care to elaborate on the time frame- and the details of the problems you mentioned (ethnic and work) I would like to help you. Thanks, Jenna

[Jenna]

Let me tell you a little story. When you disclosed that you were in the Navy- and will be leaving in a few months- a light came on in my head.

 

A few years ago- I found myself single again- after a painful divorce. After the initial shock of what happened began to wear off- I decided that I needed to get out and start meeting people again- so I would go out with friends- to clubs or parties- and did manage to meet a lot of nice and interesting people.

 

My problem was that I live in a military community- our population is primarily men and women who are in the service and the civilians here pale in comparison. I was not married to a military man- nor was my father in the service at the time he married my mother. I was allowed to have a stable home life- in one place- I was rooted here. I knew right off- that I was not going to date anyone in the military- I didn't give them a chance to get to know me on an intimate level- or me to get to know them- which was extremely difficult considering I was severely out numbered. My feelings behind this were that I didn't want to become emotionally attached to a man that would eventually leave- and I didn't want to be in a relationship that demanded I move around all the time. With these things in mind- a military man just was not for me- it would not have turned out good in any case.

 

So, maybe this lady that you spoke of- is looking ahead- and she really is just trying to save herself the heartache. She knows you are going to leave- she probably isn't in a position to uproot her life and move away- and wouldn't be even in a few months if you wanted her to.

 

You have to know that the separtation would cause you pain too- if you were to become involved with her any more than you are now.

 

It is very likely that this woman is protecting her own heart. She knows that she is not capable of caring on a casual relationship with you for an extended amount of time without becoming very attached to you.

 

You should respect her wishes- as you certainly don't want to be the one to cause her the pain she is anticipating. I know it has to be hard- I feel bad for you - but life isn't always easy- and we have to consider other people's feelings.

 

Good Luck, Jenna

We have been seeing each other for 7 months with fair amount of physical separation during this summer. She is a first gen American-Greek; I am a typical midwestern Euro mutt. We are both graduate students. I am in the Navy and will be leaving within a few months. I would just like to enjoy the remaining time we have together. I think breaking up would be easier when we are separated by time and space.

 

[Jane]

dd

My girlfriend is trying to dump me preemptively. Our relationship is doomed because of ethnic differences (she says her family wouldn't understand) and career demands. I would like to continue the relationship while we are still near each other. She wants to have the pain now rather than later. We both still love each other by mutual admission, but understand our situation is difficult. Is it bad to want to squeeze as much quality time out of what we have left? I would think it would be easier to drift apart when we are physically apart than when we are near to one another. Any thoughts?

[BSD]

cThank you Jenna. The words of strangers echo the words of loved ones.

 

My retort, to her and to you, Jenna, was and is that the pain will be there now. Every time I see her I will remember that we both want to be with each other, but have chosen to euthanize the relationship. Happiness, however brief, could be had now, but an artificial barrier has been erected. We will pick at the scabs left from the relationship through continued contact. This is a path of bitterness and frustration.

 

When I leave, the barrier will be real. Hearts and thoughts will be able to fade. It will hurt, but we will both be in new environments, separate from each other, meeting new people, and busy with the next phase of our lives. We can make the transition from couple to B-day and X-mas card exchangers. The hard reality of separation will not allow the formation of bitterness because it is not a rejection; it is a moving on. And in the mean time, we can and should enjoy our feelings for each other.

 

What is wrong with this reasoning?

 

As posted previously, all girls seem to agree with my girlfriend and all guys seem to agree with me. Maybe it's a wiring thing.

Let me tell you a little story. When you disclosed that you were in the Navy- and will be leaving in a few months- a light came on in my head. A few years ago- I found myself single again- after a painful divorce. After the initial shock of what happened began to wear off- I decided that I needed to get out and start meeting people again- so I would go out with friends- to clubs or parties- and did manage to meet a lot of nice and interesting people. My problem was that I live in a military community- our population is primarily men and women who are in the service and the civilians here pale in comparison. I was not married to a military man- nor was my father in the service at the time he married my mother. I was allowed to have a stable home life- in one place- I was rooted here. I knew right off- that I was not going to date anyone in the military- I didn't give them a chance to get to know me on an intimate level- or me to get to know them- which was extremely difficult considering I was severely out numbered. My feelings behind this were that I didn't want to become emotionally attached to a man that would eventually leave- and I didn't want to be in a relationship that demanded I move around all the time. With these things in mind- a military man just was not for me- it would not have turned out good in any case. So, maybe this lady that you spoke of- is looking ahead- and she really is just trying to save herself the heartache. She knows you are going to leave- she probably isn't in a position to uproot her life and move away- and wouldn't be even in a few months if you wanted her to.

 

You have to know that the separtation would cause you pain too- if you were to become involved with her any more than you are now. It is very likely that this woman is protecting her own heart. She knows that she is not capable of caring on a casual relationship with you for an extended amount of time without becoming very attached to you. You should respect her wishes- as you certainly don't want to be the one to cause her the pain she is anticipating. I know it has to be hard- I feel bad for you - but life isn't always easy- and we have to consider other people's feelings.

 

Good Luck, Jenna

[Jenna]

There isn't anything wrong with your way of thinking- in fact I think its beautiful. But very few people are willing to knowingly take the path that will undoubtedly lead them to pain.

 

The real issue here is that you should respect her wishes. You never know- after experiencing the reality of being without you- her feelings may change- and she may decide to take your same path. But if you continue to push the issue with her- you are sure to create great resentment- and I know you don't want that.

 

If you truly are seeking help in this matter- and not just justification for what "you" believe to be right- listen to your friends- listen to your family- and most important- listen to this woman who is begging you not to rip her heart out. Only she can know what is best for her- let her alone to do what SHE feels is right for herself. Ultimately- it is she that will have to deal with her decision- what ever it may be. Jenna

 

cThank you Jenna. The words of strangers echo the words of loved ones. My retort, to her and to you, Jenna, was and is that the pain will be there now. Every time I see her I will remember that we both want to be with each other, but have chosen to euthanize the relationship. Happiness, however brief, could be had now, but an artificial barrier has been erected. We will pick at the scabs left from the relationship through continued contact. This is a path of bitterness and frustration. When I leave, the barrier will be real. Hearts and thoughts will be able to fade. It will hurt, but we will both be in new environments, separate from each other, meeting new people, and busy with the next phase of our lives. We can make the transition from couple to B-day and X-mas card exchangers. The hard reality of separation will not allow the formation of bitterness because it is not a rejection; it is a moving on. And in the mean time, we can and should enjoy our feelings for each other. What is wrong with this reasoning? As posted previously, all girls seem to agree with my girlfriend and all guys seem to agree with me. Maybe it's a wiring thing.

[BSD]

Thank you. I am seeking neither advice nor justification but understanding. Your words are duly noted.

 

Why is it better that she rip my heart out now (and stomp on it for the next few months), than both of us ripping our hearts out later (without stomping) after a short happy time?

 

Why is it her wish to break up with me when she wants to be with me?

 

Why does she think our friendship will survive this rejection, but not a later separation?

 

I think Nietsche summed up this situation fairly well.

 

"The same emotions in man and woman are, however, different in tempo: therefore man and woman never cease to misunderstand one another."

 

And thus, we harm each other while trying to help each other.

 

This does not help me do anything about it, I know. But I guess it helps me make some sense of it. BSD

 

There isn't anything wrong with your way of thinking- in fact I think its beautiful. But very few people are willing to knowingly take the path that will undoubtedly lead them to pain.

 

The real issue here is that you should respect her wishes. You never know- after experiencing the reality of being without you- her feelings may change- and she may decide to take your same path. But if you continue to push the issue with her- you are sure to create great resentment- and I know you don't want that. If you truly are seeking help in this matter- and not just justification for what "you" believe to be right- listen to your friends- listen to your family- and most important- listen to this woman who is begging you not to rip her heart out. Only she can know what is best for her- let her alone to do what SHE feels is right for herself. Ultimately- it is she that will have to deal with her decision- what ever it may be. Jenna

[question for deejette]

Why do all everyones problems end up being a story about you?

 

Ithink a lotof your advice is valid but can you provide advice besides your old lovers?

The man I just broke up with wants to keep it going, but I see no future in it. If we get together to prolong the end-date, we will be physically close again and then it will be very painful to say goodbye.

[Jenna]

I am not sure who posted the message to Deejette- but I have something to say about it.

 

The people here base a lot of their advice on personal experiences- as I said in an earlier post- we are not professionals.

 

If you need a professional response to your delimas- you should seek a professional therapist- one that charges money for mostly the same advice that you would get here for free.

 

Jenna

Why do all everyones problems end up being a story about you? Ithink a lotof your advice is valid but can you provide advice besides your old lovers?

[Taressa]

Just want to chime in with a second on what Jenna said. Personal experience is our best teacher and I believe it's what softens our hearts to each other as well.

 

Personally, I think most of us rather enjoy Deejette's stories. Keep on Deejette!

[Jenna]

If you were to go back and read ALL of Deejette's responses- you would find that her advice is not entirely based on her own life. And there are plenty of other people here that give advice from their personal experiences- like me! When it fits- it fits- and we are all just trying to help each other by whatever means we have available.

 

Jenna

I am not sure who posted the message to Deejette- but I have something to say about it. The people here base a lot of their advice on personal experiences- as I said in an earlier post- we are not professionals. If you need a professional response to your delimas- you should seek a professional therapist- one that charges money for mostly the same advice that you would get here for free. Jenna

[Deejette]

All I can do is share my experience. If I just give advice, where is it coming from? It is because I have gone through so much heartache that I have learned about love, vulnerability, and the sympathy I feel for others who may be just going through things that I survived years ago.

 

I love hearing about other people's stories, because it brings the problem to life. Otherwise it just becomes generalizations instead of concrete examples.

If you were to go back and read ALL of Deejette's responses- you would find that her advice is not entirely based on her own life. And there are plenty of other people here that give advice from their personal experiences- like me! When it fits- it fits- and we are all just trying to help each other by whatever means we have available. Jenna