KabelGuy Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Hi all first time poster and new member. I have been reading numerous threads and have spent hours on LS. Heres my story and i NEED help My A started about a month ago. She has been married for 12 years the last few of which she has not been happy. I have been seperated for about a year after a 8 year marriage. We have been been friends for 3 years and never planned on this type of thing happening. It did and we cant go back and change it and are not proud of it. She isnt in love with her H and has wanted to leave before i even became a factor. She has told him that she isnt happy and has feelings for another man but still he wants to stay married. She has tried to talk to him a couple times and the talk didnt go as "planned". She doesnt want to be married to him, she isnt in love with him and wants to start a new life. We spent alot of time together the past month. Everything was great, we were IN LOVE. We spent alot of time talking on the phone and the time we were not talking on the phone we were texting. She tell me that she loves me more than she has ever loved anyone in her life. Last week he found out about us being more than friends and we are no longer allowed to communicate. She still calls me when she gets the chance and tells me how much this sucks and how much she loves me. Our time together was something that we both say we have only dreamed about, it was about as perfect as one could expect given the circumstances. Now, not so much. I sit by my phone daily waiting for to text or call and more often than not it doesnt happen. When she does call i am working and miss her calls. Our phone conversations have always been great... supportive and understanding. Our most recent i basically told her that i felt like i was disconnecting because i cant just talk to her whenever she gets the chance. She says that she is feeling pressured and torn. She says that she is sorry she is hurting me and that it is just going to take time. Well we agreed on a specific amount of time (date) for her to tell him she is done and wants out. So yesterday our conversation wasnt the best, i told her that i didnt want to cause her any outside pressure or pain and that it is probably best that we dont talk until she takes care of her situation. So here is my cross road, do i stick to my guns and not contact her? Do i appologize to her and tell her im sorry for causing her pressure to get this taken care of? I feel like she is going to do it but i hate living with the feeling that i am of being a sideline player. Do i keep my word and give her the time we agreed upon and then cut ties if it isnt done? I hate that our last conversation went the way it did, i feel like i have pushed her away and that she will shut down on me. Do i just start my healing process and take on the mentality that if it was meant to be it will be? Any and all opinions and advice are greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Welcome to LS 'I love the connection I feel with you and what we share together. I think I'm going to get my marriage ended so I can be completely single. If you want to be together, you'll do the same. Contact me when it's done. Love, xxx' It took my exW and I 18 months to divorce, from first filing to judgment. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Hi Kabelguy, Welcomes to LS. You are in the right place to get advice about your A. Should you call and apologize for telling her to make a choice? You are questioning whether it was right of you to ask her that. It's good that you told her you want to be with her and made you stand clear. I'd suggest you don't apologize for that. But you should now give her some space to make a decision. If she contacts you, tell her that you know how hard it is for her right now. You were in that place a year ago. Do not help her make that decision in any way. She shouldn't leave because of you but rather because her M doesn't work. Sadly, when a -day occurs, for some people it really forces them to work on the M. That takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Our most recent i basically told her that i felt like i was disconnecting because i cant just talk to her whenever she gets the chance. She says that she is feeling pressured and torn. She says that she is sorry she is hurting me and that it is just going to take time. Well we agreed on a specific amount of time (date) for her to tell him she is done and wants out. So yesterday our conversation wasnt the best, i told her that i didnt want to cause her any outside pressure or pain and that it is probably best that we dont talk until she takes care of her situation.This is a way to take some distance from you. The day she says she needs time off etc, you are out ! She is probably engaging back to her marriage. Don't be suprised to have her back and tell you "Look this is wrong, I'm going to work on my marriage, you and I were a stupid fling..." So here is my cross road, do i stick to my guns and not contact her? Do i appologize to her and tell her im sorry for causing her pressure to get this taken care of? I feel like she is going to do it but i hate living with the feeling that i am of being a sideline player. Do i keep my word and give her the time we agreed upon and then cut ties if it isnt done? I hate that our last conversation went the way it did, i feel like i have pushed her away and that she will shut down on me. Do i just start my healing process and take on the mentality that if it was meant to be it will be? Any and all opinions and advice are greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance. Pressuring her ??? How are you pressuring her if she is serving you crumbs from time left from her H ? You are not her priority, you are not first on her list dude ! There is no better way to look like a doormat than to apologize to her for pressuring her. So she shuts you down...Then what? Is she your girlfriend? All you have is an affair which is NOTHING, even if it looks as something it is nothing. Have you ever heard what a mirage is.? Well, an affair is the same. It looks like a relationship but it isn't one. What are you afraid to loose ? Just cut her off completely and don't build your present life based on her choices. If she wants out she will divorce with or without you. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 She has tried to talk to him a couple times and the talk didnt go as "planned". What does that even mean? And what makes you think that "time" is going to make her next conversation with her H go as "planned"? Cut your losses and move on. You are barely out of your marriage yourself. Deal with that first. You may think the sun shines out of her ass, but the truth is your marriage is ending and you are vulnerable right now to any woman who makes you feel good, makes you feel like a man. SHE is not the woman for you. SHE was a crutch for you right now as you dissolve your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 (edited) If you want to 'win' someone the worst thing is to disagree with them....So give her what she wants, let her work on her marriage and take the time she needs. After all you didnt have any real relationship with her in order to miss out the quality time, the romantic weekends, the long walks at the beach, etc. Furthermore, focus on yourself. Women want men who stand on their feet, are independent and happy and are able to MOVE ON should they decide is the best thing to do. I am not saying you should move on now but that you must become strong enough to make this decision if this is what should be done due to her indecisiveness. Edited October 22, 2011 by Yianks Link to post Share on other sites
Author KabelGuy Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 i know yall are right. I knew that yall could help but i am just so confused and tired of getting the so called "crumbs". She says that it didnt go as planned because after telling him that she isnt happy and has feelings for someone else he still wants to work on the marriage and stay in it. She thought he would get it and want to move on also. I guess i am just saying that i wish our last conversation had ended better. I wish that i could have just said things differently and been done with it. I want to move on and take care of "me" but unfortunately i have the "i love you" glasses on. It sucks, i want to cut ties and be done with it but the pain is there. I know i need to take care of "ME" and move on Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 It's OK to love someone and let them go. It appears, by her actions, that she still loves her H, since she can't let him go even if he wants to work on the marriage. If she didn't love him at some level, she would care less or not at all about how he felt and just divorce him summarily. Very few things that end, end well. Accept that. Hindsight always brings better words, ideas and actions. It's done. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 I guess i am just saying that i wish our last conversation had ended better. I wish that i could have just said things differently and been done with it. I want to move on and take care of "me" but unfortunately i have the "i love you" glasses on. It sucks, i want to cut ties and be done with it but the pain is there. I know i need to take care of "ME" and move on Even if the last conversation was perfect you would still had the same outcome. There is no way that a woman who really wants to be with the OM would have changed her mind just by one single conversation. Yes you are right, focus on you as this is how you appeal better to women even to your MW. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 KabelGuy, she has all the power cause YOU gave it to her. I bet you think more of her than you think of yourself and I bet she thinks more of herself than she thinks about you or her H. Is this fair for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KabelGuy Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 no that is not fair at all. I do think alot of her and she thinks alot of me. Like i said we have had nothing but honesty and told one another EVERYTHING. I also understand that it will never work under the circumstances that we are in now. So do i leave it at how we left it yesterday? Do not take her calls or her attempts at contacting me? Im pretty sure she knows how i feel. Ugghh im so disappointed in myself for letting this happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 no that is not fair at all. I do think alot of her and she thinks alot of me. Like i said we have had nothing but honesty and told one another EVERYTHING. I also understand that it will never work under the circumstances that we are in now. So do i leave it at how we left it yesterday? Do not take her calls or her attempts at contacting me? Im pretty sure she knows how i feel. Ugghh im so disappointed in myself for letting this happen. Try to occupy yourself with other things. The first days are difficult. If she contacts you be nice, polite but try not to discuss the issue unless she brings it up. If she does be supportive and empathetic towards her. Most important show her WITHOUT telling her that life will go on with or without her and also that she should be with you only if she really wants it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 She says that it didnt go as planned because after telling him that she isnt happy and has feelings for someone else he still wants to work on the marriage and stay in it. She thought he would get it and want to move on also. Um, no. IF she really wanted to leave, she would. He doesn't need to "want to move on" if SHE does. She has the power to leave her marriage; she can make that choice if she wants to. She does not want to - that's why she isn't leaving him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KabelGuy Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 thanks to all for the advice. I know what MUST happen. I just have to take that step and stay committed. Well heres to day 1! Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 KabelGuy, you are lucky cause the A is only one month old. I am a recently exOM after 1 1/2 years A. If you continue this A the pain you feel now will multiply by a number you cannot possibly imagine. If you read through what OM, like myself, wrote in other threads you will realize that almost none of us would have done it again. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 i know yall are right. I knew that yall could help but i am just so confused and tired of getting the so called "crumbs". She says that it didnt go as planned because after telling him that she isnt happy and has feelings for someone else he still wants to work on the marriage and stay in it. She thought he would get it and want to move on also. I guess i am just saying that i wish our last conversation had ended better. I wish that i could have just said things differently and been done with it. I want to move on and take care of "me" but unfortunately i have the "i love you" glasses on. It sucks, i want to cut ties and be done with it but the pain is there. I know i need to take care of "ME" and move on As far as getting crumbs, In my affair, my H was the one who got the crumbs. I gave my best to my xOM. I became more and more distant to my H. Any opportunity I had to be with xOM, I'd take it. Even when I wasn't with him, I was e-mailing or texting him. My H definitely got the crumbs. After the A was over, he still got crumbs because emotionally I was not where I should have been. I was confused, hurt and broken. I couldn't give my H my all emotionally. So don't think that her H isn't reaping the consequences of her affair. He is receiving crumbs. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 thanks to all for the advice. I know what MUST happen. I just have to take that step and stay committed. Well heres to day 1! Trust me, you will NOT regret this. Affairs are complicated and it's hard to try to figure your xMW out. She probably hasn't even figured herself out yet. Once you get through this, you will come out stronger and so appreciative of finding someone who isn't attached...someone who can and will give you her ALL. Good luck and be proud of this choice! If she ever contacts you again, think of her H. Put yourself in his shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 KabelGuy, you are lucky cause the A is only one month old. I am a recently exOM after 1 1/2 years A. If you continue this A the pain you feel now will multiply by a number you cannot possibly imagine. Ditto to this ! 1 month is nothing ! You are lucky you are starting to ask question after only 1 month, I wish I had all these advice when I was at 1 month A...It is very easy to disengage NOW, it will be heart-ripping later, you have no idea... As far as getting crumbs, In my affair, my H was the one who got the crumbs. I gave my best to my xOM. I became more and more distant to my H. Any opportunity I had to be with xOM, I'd take it. Even when I wasn't with him, I was e-mailing or texting him. My H definitely got the crumbs. After the A was over, he still got crumbs because emotionally I was not where I should have been. I was confused, hurt and broken. I couldn't give my H my all emotionally. So don't think that her H isn't reaping the consequences of her affair. He is receiving crumbs. I can understand this very well. That's exactly what my xMW told me BUT I was thinking about how everynight she would go to sleep with her H.. and how I would be happy just to spend 10 freakin' minutes with her..She was sincerely convinced she was giving it all to me while I was looking at it like crumbs. OM and MW see the reality from VERY different windows. At the end everyone gets hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 (edited) She was sincerely convinced she was giving it all to me while I was looking at it like crumbs. OM and MW see the reality from VERY different windows. At the end everyone gets hurt. Affairs have amazing similarities while they are 'on' and when they are off. My exMW thought she gave me everything, I thought she was just keeping a 'balance' between her H and myself in order to keep both satisfied. KabelGuy, to continue the A or not is entirely your choice. But if you do continue it allow me to predict that you will be wondering why she disappeared on Christmas, on Easter and during summer holidays. The answer: she will be spending these holidays with her H and you will be alone, sorry to say. Edited October 22, 2011 by Yianks Link to post Share on other sites
Author KabelGuy Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 She and i both just dont want ME to be the reason that she leaves. Both her and I want her to leave because of HER. We both are very emotionally and physically attached. We both miss each other dearly, and also both know that in the END things will work out for the best. I have spoke with her today and we agreed that it is best if we stop the A until she gets her stuff straight and i finish my situation also. We had a much better conversation today and it ended well under both of our circumstances. Now i guess my next question is should we communicate at all or should I just go NC until we are both able to give one another what each deserves? Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Welcome to LS 'I love the connection I feel with you and what we share together. I think I'm going to get my marriage ended so I can be completely single. If you want to be together, you'll do the same. Contact me when it's done. Love, xxx' It took my exW and I 18 months to divorce, from first filing to judgment. Good luck I really don’t read other peoples response sometimes and I just post but your post and that 18 months stuck out like a sore thumb. I felt it in my throat. Damn! So do you truly think that he should wait until it is complete or can they be a couple while the divorce is being processed? I know it’s to protect him but would you say as long as it’s being processed, go for it! Kabelguy, would you be interested in being a couple as long as you know that the process has begun? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Depending upon jurisdiction, a divorce can happen in a month or less. In Cali, the cooling-off period is six months from service upon respondent, so final judgment can't happen any faster than that. Ours took longer due to procedural mistakes, mainly. Considering the emotions involved in divorce, which I remember well, even if ours was mostly amicable, I personally wouldn't want to be in a serious intimate relationship while getting divorced. Each person's experience is different. The lady in the OP appears to be on the fence, emotionally, or else she would have filed already, as my exW did. The bond with the OP isn't sufficiently strong to impel an immediate filing, which would be a natural extension of wanting to be committed to him. So, hence, balance out the dynamic by her filing and getting down the mediation/contested road to judgment, which he's already close to, and then revisit the emotions and see how it goes. If they have a true connection and intimacy, it will still be there in six months or a year. OP, is anyone getting any exit counseling or MC? If not, in the past? I found that to help with emotional processing of the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 KabelGuy, you are lucky cause the A is only one month old. I am a recently exOM after 1 1/2 years A. If you continue this A the pain you feel now will multiply by a number you cannot possibly imagine. If you read through what OM, like myself, wrote in other threads you will realize that almost none of us would have done it again. Amen to this!!!! This is a fact...the longer you stay the harder it is to get out. I know I stayed 3 years after D-day when I should have walked away. Please listen to people here they know from experience. I was on LS prior to D-Day and I wished I had listened. You want to think you and her is so different and she's your soulmate....hahahaha puhlease!!! I learned the hard way I can assure you there. Oh BTW...my xMW is still at home with her H. Nothings changed. I've been NC 7 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 She and i both just dont want ME to be the reason that she leaves. Both her and I want her to leave because of HER. We both are very emotionally and physically attached. We both miss each other dearly, and also both know that in the END things will work out for the best. I have spoke with her today and we agreed that it is best if we stop the A until she gets her stuff straight and i finish my situation also. We had a much better conversation today and it ended well under both of our circumstances. Now i guess my next question is should we communicate at all or should I just go NC until we are both able to give one another what each deserves? KabelGuy, if you both communicate while she tries to figure things out then she will not figure things out! Just make sure that when you talk to her again she has her thoughts cleared up so you dont listen to 'valid' excuses like I did. The following are a few examples that she did NOT got her stuff straight: 1. 'you can't imagine how is it to want someone so badly but not being able to have him', 2. 'you are my life (and she goes to bed with her H at night), 3. 'i will never be able to love anyone so much as you (and she goes to bed with her H at night), 4. 'i wish i met you earlier in my life' etc If you hear these kind of examples just put on your athletic shoes and run, move to another city or state and/or relocate here in Europe! Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 KabelGuy, if you both communicate while she tries to figure things out then she will not figure things out! Just make sure that when you talk to her again she has her thoughts cleared up so you dont listen to 'valid' excuses like I did. The following are a few examples that she did NOT got her stuff straight: 1. 'you can't imagine how is it to want someone so badly but not being able to have him', 2. 'you are my life (and she goes to bed with her H at night), 3. 'i will never be able to love anyone so much as you (and she goes to bed with her H at night), 4. 'i wish i met you earlier in my life' etc If you hear these kind of examples just put on your athletic shoes and run, move to another city or state and/or relocate here in Europe! Yes ! Whilever she goes to bed with her husband...You don't have a chance of anything. MW/MM really have no ****ing idea of what a single AP's existence is like. As far as they are concerned... we are there for whenever they have the time for us. They have no idea of how it feels to be alone. HE or SHE is in a maried relationship. We are there just for the times they can spare. They scatter crumbs for us and make promises. It's just to keep us hanging on the edge. Meanwhile, MM/MW carry on their real life quite happily. When you or I get too demanding, or things get a bit too threatening for them.... DUMP! I really believe the MP has no idea of how it feels to be living on the other end of the A. GG Link to post Share on other sites
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