I don't need women, or lots of friends...

[AHardDaysNight]

Honestly, the only person that would be there for me, unconditionally, is me. Well, except for family, but they don't count.

 

I have come to the conclusion that true love doesn't exist, and I'm much, much happier for it, because this gives me an excuse to be alone and not miserable at the same time.

 

If a girl proves me wrong someday, that's fine. But until then, I'm just going to live my life as a solitary wolf.

[danmorisson]

You're being too hard on yourself my friend. Be thankful that you can date. Be thank that God was not too harsh on you (if a God exists. I'm open-minded)

 

As for me, I have nobody but a bunch of untrustworthy male friends -- and I am a good guy at heart. The thing that lets me down is my appearance which is a bummer. Can't understand why I don't have any female friend and I guess I never will. It's better being a loner anyway -- sticking to your brothers and sisters -- your own family are your only true friends

Edited October 23, 2011 by danmorisson

[AHardDaysNight]

This thread came out of bitterness, but I've never been on a date.

[ken_25]

This thread came out of bitterness, but I've never been on a date.

 

Why not? How old are you?

[AHardDaysNight]

Why not? How old are you?

 

I will be turning 29 in a few days.

 

I dunno, just never happened for me I guess. I have social anxiety and am really shy and quiet.

[ken_25]

I will be turning 29 in a few days.

 

I dunno, just never happened for me I guess. I have social anxiety and am really shy and quiet.

 

Ever get close to a woman before?

[AHardDaysNight]

Ever get close to a woman before?

 

Define "close"?

 

I have mostly female friends. And I've hugged them, kissed them on the cheek, had them kiss me on the cheek, we've held hands, etc.

 

If you're talking about sexual intimacy...no, I haven't been involved in any of that. And no, I'm not asexual, or gay.

 

It is very frustrating for me. I've had women pursue me romantically before, but I've always panicked when it turns sexual or romantic and scare them off.

[danmorisson]

I've had women pursue me romantically before, but I've always panicked when it turns sexual or romantic and scare them off

 

Ah so you can get a date! I don't get female affection. You just need to work on your confidence. In fact you grow out of your shyness with age. I use to be all shy myself. Just hang in there my friend

[Teknoe]

Hard, just want to encourage you to keep an open mind as well.

 

Be careful, sometimes when we go into these modes we can go too far extreme. There's gotta be a healthy middle ground.

 

It's like that old saying "So many people for so long told me I was dumb so I did dumb things. So many people for so long told me I was worthless so I lived like I was. So many people for so long told me I would never amount to much so I didn't"... after a while your mind can believe it, be it negative or positive hype. Sadly, many of us have been bombarded with negativity over the years that it's SEEPED into our core being.

 

But the good news is, YOU CAN choose to embrace the goodness, not the negative. While your current attitude might bring you some solace NOW, in the long run, it will ultimately become your greatest enemy.

 

I encourage you to think about this.

Edited October 23, 2011 by Teknoe

[ken_25]

Define "close"?

 

I have mostly female friends. And I've hugged them, kissed them on the cheek, had them kiss me on the cheek, we've held hands, etc.

 

If you're talking about sexual intimacy...no, I haven't been involved in any of that. And no, I'm not asexual, or gay.

 

It is very frustrating for me. I've had women pursue me romantically before, but I've always panicked when it turns sexual or romantic and scare them off.

 

What is it that makes you panic and how exactly do they get scared off? What do you do when you're "panicked"?

[AHardDaysNight]

Believe me, I am thinking about it.

 

Before I learned that virgins were looked at poorly by women, I didn't worry about it. Now I'm worried about it.

 

I wish I could go back to that idealistic age, when I wasn't receiving negative external influences about my sexuality or what I have or haven't done.

[danmorisson]

And therefore it's your lack of confidence. You said that some women have shown an interest in you. Let me tell you something about women, they don't want wimpy guys (especially in the bedroom department if you know what I mean)

Edited October 23, 2011 by danmorisson

[Floridaman]

Believe me, I am thinking about it.

 

Before I learned that virgins were looked at poorly by women, I didn't worry about it. Now I'm worried about it.

 

I wish I could go back to that idealistic age, when I wasn't receiving negative external influences about my sexuality or what I have or haven't done.

Don't be so certain woman look-down upon virgin or inexperienced men.

 

Some women, of course, may think less of or hold immature and irrational thoughts toward virgins, but those wouldn't be the kind of women you'd want to date anyway.

 

Those women in the other posts told you they wouldn't be opposed to dating a virgin or inexperienced man. Please take their word at this.

 

Though I wasn't a virgin, but like you, didn't have a lot of dating or sex experience and it likely showed.

Didn't have a lot of confidence either.

 

But no woman I ever dated said they thought less of me bec. I wasn't experienced.

And I have never heard any woman say they wouldn't care for a guy who was inexperienced.

 

 

Also consider this:

There are many shy, less-experienced women your age.

They may not be virgins (women get more oppotunities, you know) but haven't had a lot of sexual activity.

They know guys and have been on dates, but may be too shy in some things and haven't found the right one.

 

"The right one", for them, could be a guy like you, one who hasn't dated many women or hasn't had sex with every girl he dated.

There's some value in that and some women really do respect those who show maturity and self-restraint.

[AHardDaysNight]

And therefore it's your lack of confidence. You said that some women have shown an interest in you. Let me tell you something about women, they don't want wimpy guys (especially in the bedroom department if you know what I mean)

 

Probably very true. It's my lack of confidence.

[carhill]

OP, I was a virgin until 35.

 

Describe your 'panic' feeling when women approach you romantically. Be as specific as you can. Relate it to something else, another fear or anxiety, for reference. Example: when a woman approaches me, I get the same feeling as when I step too close to the edge of a roof; like this force is pulling me off the edge.

 

I personally found the 'secret' was pushing through the anxiety and just 'doing it'. Letting go. Kinda like when you're at the top of the rollercoaster hill and you know the free fall is coming and it's scary but at the same time you know you're going to survive it so you throw your hands in the air, yell like a girl and go for it

[AHardDaysNight]

I guess I'd relate it to someone grabbing me and pushing me up against a wall.

 

It's a fight or flight situation, but I always flee instead of fighting it, because it's easier.

[Teknoe]

I guess I'd relate it to someone grabbing me and pushing me up against a wall.

 

It's a fight or flight situation, but I always flee instead of fighting it, because it's easier.

 

 

Right, it's easier. But ultimately, it all leads to a less fulfilling life.

 

Not saying the following fits you, but a lot of guys end up not really trying, they give up on seeking/pursuing relationships (platonic and intimate) and they just end up living a quiet life alone, nights filled with masturbation.

 

There's so much more to life. Take a bite out of it! Put yourself out there. You might be surprised at what happens.

 

And remember, half of life really is just showing up.

[betterdeal]

Here's a theory: You have lots of female friends. You suppress your sexual attraction to them because you are respectful or maybe you have put them into the same psychological space as your mother and other female relatives. When one pursues you this increases the pressure - the limited space in which you have put your sexy feelings for her becomes smaller, creating tension in you. Hence you feel like you're being pushed against a wall.

 

The trick for you is going to be practising letting go of all that pent up sexual energy; just opening the flood gates and letting it pour out. As a romantically successful friend of mine once said, the trick with women is knowing when to say "yes".

[Lost3317]

Also consider this:

There are many shy, less-experienced women your age.

They may not be virgins (women get more oppotunities, you know) but haven't had a lot of sexual activity.

They know guys and have been on dates, but may be too shy in some things and haven't found the right one.

 

"The right one", for them, could be a guy like you, one who hasn't dated many women or hasn't had sex with every girl he dated.

There's some value in that and some women really do respect those who show maturity and self-restraint.

 

Where can I find these type of women?

[betterdeal]

Just about anywhere. Seriously. Talk to women. Engage. Practice flirting. Walk past a shop window, see woman in there, and do a double take. Walk on.

 

Do sociable things. That's where people are. People enjoy all sorts of stuff. Just join in.

[PelicanPete]

Honestly, the only person that would be there for me, unconditionally, is me. Well, except for family, but they don't count.

 

I have come to the conclusion that true love doesn't exist, and I'm much, much happier for it, because this gives me an excuse to be alone and not miserable at the same time.

 

If a girl proves me wrong someday, that's fine. But until then, I'm just going to live my life as a solitary wolf.

 

 

Why is it you want a girlfriend in the first place? I had to ask myself this question a couple of times. Because of the result I came to, I realized the person I am now is not relationship material.

 

Many people treat relationships as a requirement towards being "successful" - whatever that is. However if you do end up pairing with someone just to reach that goal, then that doesn't give a very strong foundation for the bond to build from. Sooner or later you'll take it for granted and it will all come falling down.

 

Don't live with excuses. If you failed, simply accept your failure. Acceptance will allow a new point of view to enter your mind; but if you always hinge your defeat on reasons and excuses, it's like trying to make a hammer screw in a bolt. Using the wrong tool for the job will always create disappointing results; and trying to modify that tool to work will only make things harder for you. However, some people can just be so stubborn .

[Teknoe]

Why is it you want a girlfriend in the first place? I had to ask myself this question a couple of times. Because of the result I came to, I realized the person I am now is not relationship material.

 

Many people treat relationships as a requirement towards being "successful" - whatever that is. However if you do end up pairing with someone just to reach that goal, then that doesn't give a very strong foundation for the bond to build from. Sooner or later you'll take it for granted and it will all come falling down.

 

Don't live with excuses. If you failed, simply accept your failure. Acceptance will allow a new point of view to enter your mind; but if you always hinge your defeat on reasons and excuses, it's like trying to make a hammer screw in a bolt. Using the wrong tool for the job will always create disappointing results; and trying to modify that tool to work will only make things harder for you. However, some people can just be so stubborn .

 

 

There is a lot of truth and wisdom in this post. Thank you for posting this. Yes, I am like you too that I went through this process. It took some years, and some humbling myself, but I'm thankful I got there. I used to be VERY stubborn and could only see things from my rose colored glasses. Then I realized one day, I am not exactly BF material. Until I improved myself, it was unrealistic to expect a (quality) GF in return.

 

Pride, ego and denial are three crippling blocks. Many times these blocks don't get teared down until a really dramatic, humbling experience occurs.

[Floridaman]

Originally Posted by Floridaman

Also consider this:

There are many shy, less-experienced women your age.

They may not be virgins (women get more oppotunities, you know) but haven't had a lot of sexual activity.

They know guys and have been on dates, but may be too shy in some things and haven't found the right one.

 

"The right one", for them, could be a guy like you, one who hasn't dated many women or hasn't had sex with every girl he dated.

There's some value in that and some women really do respect those who show maturity and self-restraint.

Where can I find these type of women?

Good question.

 

Please check out a thread I started on this very topic.

Tried to put a bunch of tips in it.

_For those who can't get dates in their late 20s, 30s and 40s

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t269779/

 

One thing I'd suggest is getting involved in religious and other singles groups.

You may meet shy, less-experienced women who may be looking for a guy like you.

That's where I got my first real relationship @26 - I met a 30 y.o. virgin in a singles group of one of the larger churches (Methodist) in the city I lived.

[Teknoe]

One thing I'd suggest is getting involved in religious and other singles groups.

You may meet shy, less-experienced women who may be looking for a guy like you.

That's where I got my first real relationship @26 - I met a 30 y.o. virgin in a singles group of one of the larger churches (Methodist) in the city I lived.

 

 

Going to church is a good idea

[Floridaman]

Going to church is a good idea

For others reading this, attending such singles groups doesn't mean you have to agree to everything that religious group advocates.

Believe it or not, there are many people like you. Maybe they're not so "devout" but feel the need to be in a house of worship and among other people. The social factor is important.

 

Additionally, the church singles groups I attended had no "membership rules." Everyone was welcome.

 

They discussed light issues, no heavy doctrine or divisive issues, if I recall correctly. If you're not so much of a believer, you shouldn't take offense to things said there and would be welcome to contribute your legitimate views to any discussion.

 

That's one reason I suggest visiting the larger denominations (Methodist, Lutheran, Baptist, Catholic, etc.). The bigger churches are more likely to have singles groups and groups catering to divorced people, segments of the population that many churches seemed to ignore in the past.