Mixed Signals on Marriage 3.5 yr relationship

[moved]

This is my situation, I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

I'm 27, he's 30. We've been together for close to 3.5 years. He's from England and I'm from the U.S. When we first got together we lived in different countries, but he moved to the states after 3 months of us being together to give us a chance. We've had our ups and downs and gotten past most of it. In the beginning he used to say "you're the one" and "I want to marry you," but he doesn't anymore. I pressured him to early into our relationship, because he was asking me to marry him after 4 months of being together and I thought that was too soon, but after a year when I was ready and he didn't I brought it up or ask again, I asked him about it, as I was very confused. He had been ready too early, and then when I was he wasn't anymore. When I asked he said we had problems, that he didn't want to feel pressured, he wanted it to be perfect, that we had only been together a year, and that if we had a period of 6 months of everything going well between us and not arguing, he'd be ready.

 

So I really concentrated on trying not to think about it, to give him time, and to not bring it up. Sometimes I would bring it up, and I always wish I hadn't because he'd say the same thing. That now that I brought it up, that it was pushed back for him, because he wouldn't know if he really wanted it or if he was under pressure for me. That he wanted to be sure. He's parents are divorced, btw.

 

Fast forward to now. Over 3 years later, and I feel like I've waited and been pretty patient. I just recently moved to England with him, as he wanted to be closer to his family and he'd be in the US for nearly 3 years. He wanted me to come, he said that during our relationship together he felt that I hadn't always been committed as he had been, because I used to have second thoughts sometimes and suggest us breaking-up during the bad times. I wanted to prove to him that I was serious about this, that he was the person I wanted to be with. That's how I honestly feel. I really can't imagine my life without him, so I sold everything and moved with him, which included me bring my pet overseas (very expensive and hard thing to accomplish). We have lived together for 3 years now, in a bf/gf capacity. I see no signs of further commitment from him. Everyone around us (his friends and family) act like we're eventually going to get married, his family calls me auntie to his niece, etc., but to be honest I just don't get the vibe that we're still going in that direction.

 

To further my worries, it came up that before I moved, while applying for my visa to the UK, his friend and he had a conversation as his friend was getting married and had invited him to the wedding. The conversation went something like this, "How do you know when you've met the right one?" from my boyfriend, and "I'm not ready to get married," and "sometimes I think that maybe she's not the one."

 

I just found out about a day ago, completely by accident, when I addressed it, my boyfriend said that I'm getting worked up for nothing. That I always get worked up about this marriage thing and pressure him. That he probably said these things to his friend after we had a fight or something. That yes he has doubts, but that I have doubts too otherwise I wouldn't be bringing this up and wanting to break-up because of it, and that it should be proof enough that he wants to be with me, because if he didn't he wouldn't still be here. That when things are good he does think that he wants to marry me, but that yes when we are arguing or something he does have second thoughts as he isn't sure he wants to live with (he thinks I'm a bit difficult sometimes) our fights for the rest of his life.

 

We do have bad communication, on both sides, I'll be honest. We both think completely different ways, and I'm sure the cultural differences don't help. We sometimes have trouble seeing where the other person is coming from, and we are somewhat stubborn. Overall our relationship has improved, although we still have our little fights every now and then mostly from lack of communication.

 

That said I do want to get married. I feel like I did put a lot into this relationship, and I don't want to be one of those girls that just hangs on hopefully, and then the guys doesn't ever marry her. I am not saying marriage is the most important thing, but I am at a point in my life where I want to start to build something with someone, and I don't feel like I can do that in this relationship, without that sort of commitment.

 

When I brought this up yesterday, he said that it was silly of me to want to throw everything away just because he's not ready yet. That if I wanted to dump him because I wasn't getting what I wanted, him to marriage me, then I honestly don't value this relationship. That I needed to stop pressuring him. To be honest I don't think I'm applying pressure to him, I never really mention it anymore, because I know how he'll react. When I do finally break down and mention it (at most maybe once every 4-6 months) he makes me feel silly for bringing it up and says when he's ready he'll be ready. That he just told his friend yesterday when she asked if we were going to get married "probably." Although that to me doesn't really sound like he wants to marry me, just that he thinks it's inevitable.

 

In the past he has come to me to say stuff like he's only happy with me 50% of the time though, and sometimes he'll say that we have so much fun together. He says I'm only bringing up the marriage thing because I'm insecure and if I wasn't insecure I wouldn't need to. I think he's stalling because he doesn't have a good view of marriage. All his married friends tell them they don't have sex and not to do it, etc., but then he acts as if he does want to get married and he definitely wants children.

 

I am getting very mixed signals. I think he loves me, I swear I do, but I don't think he's sure he wants to marry me. I think his actions say this to me even if his words don't. I love him though and I want to be hopeful, but I don't want to be lead on.

 

I need some help. My original thought was to wait until March 1 and see what happens, as I just moved to a foreign country and I still want things to work out between us, and I wanted to give him time if he needed it; but in light of the recent conversation I found out about with his friend from back in April, I feel like I would be seriously naive to stay and be hopeful. I wish I could drop it and not think about it, but I can't. I don't understand, I feel like I'm just around and he's still deciding. If you love someone and want to be with them, in my mind there would be no hesitation, the hesitation says to me that I'm not the girl for him, even if he says the opposite when I bring it up.

 

What do you think? Should I just go or should I wait it out? Thanks in advance.

[RiverRunning]

I see some major red flags here.

 

You moved to another country to be with him - that's giving him power in this relationship. He knows that he has the cards. Where would you go in this foreign place if he decided not to marry you? It's given him leverage.

 

He's totally hot and cold. "I'm only happy with you half the time...but I want to marry you." He's dissing your relationship to his friends. And he's telling you he'll be 'ready when he's ready.' Has he told you why he isn't ready? Has he given you a time-line for when he might be?

 

moved, I think he is leading you on - it's horrible that he is making you feel guilty for mentioning getting married at all as 'pressuring' him. It's natural after this long to say, "Look, buddy, I moved to a foreign country to be with you. You knew my expectations. What's up?"

 

My honest feeling is you should start looking into returning home as soon as possible. Keep your deadline in place (although I think it's a little too generous - but if you weren't in a foreign country, I would say, "Shorten it!").

 

Sure, you're insecure. The guy's hot and cold about your relationship ("I hate you!" "I love you! Marry me!" "I hate you!"). He won't let you know if he's ever going to marry you or not. Who wouldn't feel insecure in such a hot-and-cold set-up?

 

You're 27. You have time. Move on before this guy wastes another 3 years.

[Jeshistar]

This is exactly the question I'd wanted to ask, down to my age and the length of our relationship and even the part about coming from different cultures, although in my case my boyfriend is Japanese and 33. I also pressured him a lot early on and we got engaged after about a year of dating but then broke up for about the space of a month about 9 months following. I seem to react in exactly the same way you do too, asking about every 4-6 months. I've begged for my ring back and I get answers like 'it's not a surprise then...' or 'I have to ask when the time is right' but I can't keep going like this, it's eating me up. (I've lived in Japan for 5 years and my staying here is unrelated to dating him/living with him though).

[rhenziel]

Just relax. If he really wants to be with you for the rest of his life he will propose to you.

[Tiberius]

Introduce him to your parents. Seeing your father happy in his own marriage should wet his appetite for marriage.