Maybe I was right about my suspicions, now what?

[ConfusedGuy28]

Quick background:

Met this girl back in late august/early september. friend of a friend. met her again 2 weeks later - she asked me if I was with the girl i was with (just a friend)....one thing led to another, we hooked up and have been seeing each other since.

 

A couple of strange things have occurred during our time together. (1) idea of her going down on me (after I did on her) was rejected - she only does that in a "committed relationship" (2) topic came up again a few days later and she says "just give me a week and i'll be ready" (i wasn't going to see her for a week, she was going to a friend's wedding) (3) last night i asked if she lost an earring (found one next to my clothes downstairs (shared laundry room) - didn't know if was hers or randomly lost in a dryer - she says "oh really....well, maybe i left my jacket at another Dan's place. Then she says "i'm just kidding, you're the only Dan"

 

Those 3 things, and a couple other minor things - made me think something was up. And the way she said "you're the only Dan" made me think I might be the only Dan, but there's another "Tom" or something...

 

Well - before I got further invested in her - i wanted to know what i was dealing with - so i checked her phone early this AM.

 

Lo and behold - she's texting 2 other guys. One she's known for awhile who doesn't live here but is planning to visit (and she was hoping to see at the wedding) and another guy she must have met recently because he's not a facebook friend.

 

Guy #1 ("Tom") - doesn't live here, wants to visit. She suggests he stay with her in her tiny apartment (the one I'm not allowed in, she "likes my place better"). He wants to see a recent pic of her, she sends it - and he's like "wow, one sec i need some lotion" and she's all like "lock it up!!!"

 

Guy #2 ("Mike") - he asks her to coffee a few days ago, to which she replies "coffee, no. when are you taking me out for drinks?" - and she says a lot of the same things to him that she says to me (how she addresses both of us, this little catch phrase thing she has, etc)

 

-----------------

So after reading these texts - i didn't go back to my bed (where she was). I just went to the couch and pretended to sleep. She got up an hour later, got dressed, made my bed - and before she leaves gives me a kiss and says i'll see you tonight.

 

-----------------------

Now - do I like this girl, sure. It's been 6 weeks or so and things have gone well. Do I roll with cheaters? Hell no, on to the next one. Have I been faithful? Yes - but I've gone out a couple nights where the opportunity was there multiple times to easily hook up with a few women (with women coming up to me, grabbing my ass, wanting to buy me a drink, etc)

 

Should I confront her? Does it matter? Should I just get what I get every night and leave it at that? I leave in 5 weeks or so anyways (even though everyday she asks me to stay longer and spend time with her......which is why i checked her phone - i'm not considering staying for someone who's just playing the field)

[Professor X]

If you're leaving in a few weeks, what does it matter? (since it has no long term potential)

Also, I'll assume you're American and as such, I know you got this whole exclusive or not nonsense going on while dating, so my question to you is, are you exclusive? If not, I don't see how she's cheating.

[ConfusedGuy28]

Yes, we are exclusive.

 

Edit: To add to your comment - there was possibly long term potential. I could easily stay here or leave as planned. Which is why I checked her phone. She's free to look elsewhere obviously - but once you start sleeping with someone on a very very regular basis - i think the "shopping around" should stop

Edited October 23, 2011 by ConfusedGuy28

[Bryanp]

I think it is pretty obvious from what you have written that she is a player. If this is how she acts when she is in an exclusive relationship then God help you. How would she feel if the roles were reversed? I would tell her that you know about her actions and you don't stay with cheaters. Good luck.

[Chi townD]

well, since you're leaving and she KNOWS you're leaving. She's seeing what other options are out there. I think Tyler Perry said it best when he said two little birds are are living in a nest and the girl bird wants to leave. She's not just going to leave and that's that. She gonna take a twig from the nest and move it across town..she'll come back and take another twig..then another..and another. Point is, she's not gonna leave until she has something else set up.

 

Now, you can confront her, but be prepared for her to leave. You're gonna be mad about her seeing other guys behind your back, but she's gonna turn it around on you for violating her trust and looking through her phone without permission. Best way I've seen work is ask to use her phone because your battery is dead. If she gives it to you and there's texts on there, you can then ask, "Who the hell is Tom, Dick, and Harry?" Opps, she should have cleared that BEFORE she gave you her phone. Her fault not your's. Then, she have a harder time blameshifting on you.

[Professor X]

Yes, we are exclusive.

 

Edit: To add to your comment - there was possibly long term potential. I could easily stay here or leave as planned. Which is why I checked her phone. She's free to look elsewhere obviously - but once you start sleeping with someone on a very very regular basis - i think the "shopping around" should stop

 

Does she know you can stay? Does she know you consider staying depending on your RS with her? If not, than you should at least tell her that. If she does know that, than you got her real answer.

[ConfusedGuy28]

Does she know you can stay? Does she know you consider staying depending on your RS with her? If not, than you should at least tell her that. If she does know that, than you got her real answer.

 

yeah, she knows. guess i'll be confronting her later today. and most likely, on to the next one

[Lucky_One]

Yes, we are exclusive.

 

 

Does she know that? She won't go down on you because she doesn't feel like it is a committed relationship, right?

 

Does "exclusive" = "committed"?

[seibert253]

I dont think you two are on the same page as far as the "exclusiveness" of your relationship. I also think she's lining up her next guy after you bail.

[ConfusedGuy28]

We've talked about this for a few days now, and I wanted to give everyone an update and see what your thoughts are.

------

 

I text her that day and tell her I feel like there's something off between us. She comes over and called me beforehand to see what I wanted for dinner because she wanted to pick it up for me. Right when she gets over she says "OK, I feel like you need to tell me something" - and she was a little timid - she asks me "are you breaking up with me?"

 

I tell her I feel like she's talking to somebody else, and she swears up and down that she hasn't. She says you're the only person I've done ANYTHING with since the moment we met and I haven't even had so much as a thought about another person.

 

That night I was still not really buying it, and she noticed. I wasn't touching her, hugging her, didn't want to kiss. So, she gets up and says I'm showing you my phone right now. She shows me the message from Tom and says "he's one of my best friends from college, i have zero interest in him, he likes strippers and women with kids - huge perv - and yes, sometimes we send inappropriate texts, but we always have" - OK, I can buy that......

 

BUT - Mike's message is deleted from her phone. So I confront her again - and say "well, I checked your phone this morning...why did you delete the messages between you and Mike" - she tells me Mike is just a good friend...I said a good enough friend that he's not a friend on facebook? Then she looks at me and says "fine...I deleted it because I didn't want to talk about this, but he's my ex-bf. we broke up over a year ago. i just didn't want to have that kind of conversation with you so i deleted it. i swear to god we're not doing anything, i haven't met up with him, i don't find him sexually attractive, i don't like his personality, we didn't click and I ended it...."

 

A couple days went by from that first day. We're in bed....and right in the middle of things she just bursts into tears. "Please stop hating me, I can't take this. I didn't do anything. I swear. Please stop..." and cried for 5-10 minutes.

 

----------------------------------------------------

Now, a couple of things have happened after all this that leaves me just wondering if I'm reading too much into things or if my intuition is still trying to warn me.

 

The other day her "dad" drops her off, and she's like "oh my, I smell like smoke. yeah, my dad's a smoker, i don't know why." She got back from dinner with him and had beef strogonov (sp?) - then a couple mins later she's like "omg my breath is horrible, i need to brush" (and i was just thinking, because of the food....or because you realized you're other man left a smokey taste in your mouth?)

 

For example - I picked her up from her "dad's place" (in quotations because I have no way of knowing if that's his place or not) the other day and said I needed to go to the bathroom so she let me up. She had told me earlier that day she needed to get there because her dad was coming home and she needed to clean for the maid. When I get upstairs, the place is messy. She throws at some trash and what not, puts the dishes into the dishwasher....and I say "aren't you going to get your clothes" (she had a shirt hanging on a chair, her diet coke cans on the counter, and another shirt on the table).

 

She says "Nah, I like to leave stuff so my dad knows I was here" and then says she's not recyling the coke cans (but did recycle other stuff) because her dad takes them to michigan (bigger pay out than chicago).

 

And then today.....before she leaves my place she was like "ok, i'm gonna leave my laptop and my clothes here....that way you know I was here..."

 

Coincidence? Reading too much into everything? Believe her? Just a girl who likes penis? Gahhhhh

[Lucky_One]

I truly, truly can't imagine EVER letting my BF in to pee at my lover's apt.

 

EVER.

[ConfusedGuy28]

ARgggggggg true true true.

 

what do you think about it all? i've read a few of your posts on different threads and like/agree with your comments.

[Lucky_One]

Truly, I don't know. I think sometimes we get so caught up in suspicion that we start suspecting silly things - like being let in to pee somewhere that makes no sense, or lying that she is with her dad when the chances are pretty darn good that you could catch her in that lie during the next time (or first time) you meet her dad.

 

But there is no denying that she was texting an XBF and she deleted the conversation.

 

I would talk to her again, and just tell her that conversation with XBF made you uneasy, especially when she asked him to stay at her apt and you have never been in her apt.

 

I think in this case that you are going to have to feel your own way; this is no getting past the fact that you are leaving anyway, and that if this R were go to the next level, then it would be a LDR, which would take a huge amount of trust and communication.

 

Good luck.

[nofool4u]

(1) idea of her going down on me (after I did on her) was rejected - she only does that in a "committed relationship"

 

oh, but doesn't stop you from going down does she?

 

stop going down on her.

 

 

Well - before I got further invested in her - i wanted to know what i was dealing with - so i checked her phone early this AM.

 

Lo and behold - she's texting 2 other guys. One she's known for awhile who doesn't live here but is planning to visit (and she was hoping to see at the wedding) and another guy she must have met recently because he's not a facebook friend.

 

ok, forget going down on her. just dump her. she doesn't mind getting her hatchet wound licked by you and other guys while she is playing you all.

 

 

-----------------

So after reading these texts - i didn't go back to my bed (where she was). I just went to the couch and pretended to sleep. She got up an hour later, got dressed, made my bed - and before she leaves gives me a kiss and says i'll see you tonight.

 

which is when you should have said, "No, I don't think you will"

 

Now - do I like this girl, sure.

 

whats to like about a girl who is playing you for a fool? She must have a magic vagina.

 

 

Should I confront her? Does it matter? Should I just get what I get every night and leave it at that?

 

Unless you want to be a POS like her, then no. You get rid of her and move on to someone decent.

 

If you get what you want from her, then go out and hook up with another girl behind her back, then you aren't being fair to a new girl.

 

Just ditch the pig.

[nofool4u]

I think it is pretty obvious from what you have written that she is a player.

 

ya, she is the type of person that should be videotaped having sex, and then deserves for it to be posted all over the net so everyone knows she is a ho fo sho.